Boyfriend ignoring me after rehab

Old 12-02-2017, 01:22 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 1
Boyfriend ignoring me after rehab

Sorry for the long explanation, so me and my boyfriend have been in a long distance relationship for 10 months now, we have always been extremely close and put forth a mutual effort to see each other at least every month, this past summer I ended up moving to California with him for three months until I started school again, things were great until he evtually started getting into drugs (he had been addicted to another drug in his past but went to rehab and got over it, this time is was xanax) and our relationship started to get bad after that because he would hide it from me. He eventually stopped while I was there when I told him to and we had the best remaining month together. When I got back to my home state he started to take them again and lied to me about it for about almost two months until he confessed everything to me and said he needed help, so he went to a detox program that was only suppose to be a few days, the next thing I know I don't hear from him for a month even though I keep texting him (during this time his mom responds to me on his phone saying he didn't even have it) until I noticed he was active on social media but still not contacting me so after three days of that I messaged him saying “are we still together” and he finally messaged me back saying he is in a rehab and he can't have his phone but he can now for a little bit everyday, so we talked for a little bit for a week and it was just like how we always talk and it was very nice, then he didn't talk to me randomly for two weeks until he finally texted me saying he was out and he loved me and how rehab was very helpful and he really connected with one of the counselor who he would continue to have phone meetings with everyday, he then went directly to Italy where he was spending thanksgiving with his family, he texted me almost everyday he was there and even said he got me a gift from there, last Saturday we texted for a while , really nice messages, then all the sudden my texts stopped delivering, and I figured it's because he was traveling back to the US. 5 days passed and still no word from him, I even texted his mom asking if he went back to rehab, to my surprise she texted back saying no, he's at home. My boyfriends phone has been shut off for almost a week, he's not the type to go without his phone ever. I freaked out and was so hurt that he probably knows I feel bad about this but continues to ignore me and not even send a quick text saying “I can't talk for the next week I'm going through something” instead he is compelty ignoring me with his phone shut off. I understand he hasn't been home since going to rehab and I'm trying to understand it but I've never been addicted to anything or had to go through that process. While he was using drugs he lost his car, potentially his job, and respect from a lot of people. He really cares about what people think about him and his job so I can't imagine having to realize all the damage he's done now that he's sober. I sent him a lot of texts asking him to please talk to me and that this is hurting me, and on the day I texted his mom he finally turned his phone on and im assuming read all my worrying messages and then turned his phone back off and didn't respond. We have always been the type to make sure we talk to each other everyday and FaceTimes every night, we are very close with each other and would always communicate if there was a problem. I know he's trying to focus on himself and is probably being encouraged to do so, but this doesn't justify him ignoring me after 10 months. He knows I'm probably really sad right now but still no word from him. I don't doubt that he loves me, but It worries me that he doesn't feel a strong need to text me letting me know what's going on because our relationship hasn't been “normal” for 2 months now since he went to rehab.
Hhill9 is offline  
Old 12-02-2017, 01:29 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
It seems the message is really clear, though I don't think you are ready to believe it...

I think if I were you I would stop trying to contact him and find ways to keep busy so that I wasn't so fixated on him. Regain a little dignity. There is no way to make someone contact you or love you. It doesn't sound like he wants to talk, so not much you can do about that. You may never get the answers you seek. Have you thought about some therapy or Al Anon meetings?

I've lost a few relationships in my years. Often it just ends with no explanation. Sometimes that's better, though I doubt you want to hear that.

((hug)) Call a friend and go out and have some fun.
biminiblue is offline  
Old 12-02-2017, 01:35 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
FenwayFaithful's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
I'm not going to tell you he does or doesn't love you. It's not my place.

However his actions are clearly telling you he isn't in a place for a relationship right now. At least not the kind you need and deserve.

Post rehab is difficult and emotionally tumultuous time for many of us. And there is a high risk of relapse as well.

It could be because he started using again, it could be because he's just not emotionally available. It could be because he blamed you somehow for his addiction (us addicts love to blame other people) or he could have met another girl in rehab (which is guaranteed to end horribly) I'm not saying any of this to hurt you just as an outsider looking in.

I've been in this situation before with one of my exes. He wasn't an addict but one day he just stopped calling, stopped responding, we were long distance as well. Told me he needed a little space but didn't want to break up. About 6 weeks later he changed his Facebook status to single and I never heard from him again.

I knew for a long time, deep down, that things weren't good, that he probably didn't really want to be together but his WORDS told me to just hang out and give him some time, well his ACTIONS spoke differently. But when we love someone we really want to believe what they are telling us.

My advice to you is to focus on yourself. Maybe try to attend an Al-Anon meeting. Do something for yourself. Get your hair done, your nails done, go out with your girlfriends, do something that is just about you.

And tell him you need an honest answer about the future of your relationship. But remember not to just take his words at face value. His actions have to match them.

Best of luck to you. I know how hard what you're doing through is. And most of this is so much easier said than done.
FenwayFaithful is offline  
Old 12-02-2017, 01:37 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, well no one likes to be the Bad Guy. Most of us are pretty wimpy when it comes to "the Breakup Talk," and when we're young we do whatever we can to just avoid it - like turning off phones, not replying to texts, messages etc. Some people it seems get mean in the hopes the other person will bail out. It's kind of cowardly, but it happens. It's hard to be that person who hurts someone, even if it is how we truly feel; and even if we feel like it's over.

Then there's the, "I better keep him/her as a friend," I mean, er, you know, backup.

I know I've done it and I've been on the receiving end. It's awkward and painful. It's much better to just be straight-forward. "This isn't working for me, sorry but I'm out."

Or maybe this guy WILL be back in a week. No way to know.
biminiblue is offline  
Old 12-02-2017, 01:52 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board.

I have to confess that I did not read your post in its entirety. I've seen this movie often times to generally know the plot line of "boyfriend/girlfriend is ignoring me after rehab" goes. So for better or for worse, here's my take.

There's two possibilities. The first is rehab scared the daylights out of him enough for him to prioritize his recovery. If this is the case, it's understandable that he creates some space between you because he doesn't have the bandwidth to be an available, accountable partner in a romantic relationship. The second is you two are done but he hasn't explicitly told you this. In the end, the first scenario and second scenario are ultimately the same in terms of what you have to do, which is to respect his decision, even though you hate it and it hurts.

Being under the influence of narcotics suppresses the true nature of the person. This means that while he was using, he was not experiencing your relationship in the same way you were. You had all your wits and faculties about you. He, on the other hand, was compromised. In order for him to be a reliable romantic partner, he has to embrace recovery: not using, going to whatever program that works for him, changing his behavior, etc. That's going to take time and an enormous effort on his part, and there's no guarantee he's going to be successful. The best thing you can do -- for you -- is to decouple and allow him his freedom.

And yes, doing that will hurt, and suck, and I get it. But it's better than holding onto someone that, in the end, will only hurt you.

Read as many posts as you can here. Read them slowly. See what they all have in common. Learn what all of us here have done to regain our sanity. And in time, you're going to get through this and be OK. Trust me on this...and if it helps, read my posts to see where I was in January 2012 to where I am at the end of 2017.

Be strong.
zoso77 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:56 AM.