misscostalot

So instead of going for dinner with friends tonight, I have decided to have a night in. I really don't feel like being around alcohol and I'm feeling unusually tired. I'm feeling guilty as I only have an hour notice to say I wasn't going. ..i hope they aren't offended. I just said I wasn't feeling good as don't want to explain. Was anyone else flaky with commitments during early sobriety?

DontRemember

I basically vanished for a month from any social outings. When I met up with some guys to play golf I had a full 'unabomber' beard going on. They told me:"you look like a homeless guy in golf clothes".

Anna

This is a time when it's good to be aware of what you want and need. And, being selfish might be what you need sometimes. It's so important to do what you want and need and put your needs first. Being tired is a time for you to pamper yourself and take it easy.

Maudcat

I think you did the right thing, Miss.
Make yourself a nice dinner of something you like, take it easy, go to bed early.
You will feel better tomorrow.

Berrybean

Better to be flaky with social commitments than to be flaky with your sobriety.

I think you did the right thing.

BB

aasharon90

I think you responded with good recovery
responsibility. Kudos to you. Relax and
enjoy with no guilt or shame.

tekink

You made the right call. I avoided going out at all for 6 months.

Flinders39

I’m almost five months sober and still, for the most part, avoid events that involve alcohol. It’s not worth the risk at this stage. I think you made the right decision. Take care of you first

misscostalot

Thanks everyone.

August252015

You made a good decision.

For me, though, I backed it up a step - I made NO plans in early sobriety, and really only spent time with my parents for the occasional dinner out or grocery shopping, for months. As I got physically, mentally and emotionally stronger, I began making one on one plans with people I wanted to have back in my life.

Once I started dating someone, we only did a few dinners out with others - I didn't attend my first dinner party with 6 or 8 til 9 mo and then my first real party til 14. First wedding at 18 mo. Now I do group things regularly, mostly through my work running a recovery group, but I always have an exit plan and generally don't stay long.

Not only was protecting my recovery paramount in early days, and now protecting my emotional recovery as that precedes the physical kind, but I have let myself discovering what and with whom (and how many) I enjoy doing things and that's most of what I do to socialize! And my life is very full.

Take care of you.

SportsFan15

Because I'm not comfortable making plans and being in groups and my sobriety is TOP priority, I don't make plans to be around people at this point. I'm easing back into it.

Sobriety is helping me understand I've never really been comfortable in groups. This is a new, huge realization for me since I drank so often socially and for many years.

Delilah1

You made the right call, I hope you enjoyed your night in!

August252015

SportsFan makes a great point about figuring out what we really DO like to do, once we are sober.

I think I am what some call an "ambivert" - I am a great networker, connector and big group person, to a degree - and much less of a degree than I thought for years, before and after my recovery. And it takes a lot of energy- like I said above, I don't tend to linger (more than a couple hours tops) at big events. I have learned I relish time alone just being, with my husband, and stepdaughter. I love spending the one on one time I mentioned with my dear friends, and I have to balance these extro/intro needs - I have come to believe that underlying anxiety going back to childhood was part and parcel to how extroverted I was known to be.

misscostalot

I did, thank you!

thomas11

The only commitment I refused to break early on was my commitment to sobriety. Everything else was secondary. I think we need to be a little selfish early on.

SportsFan15

This is me as well, August. You said it so well: subverts we are....and we have unique needs that we must have good boundaries about! It honestly took me to stop drinking to have enough awareness for this level of self care.

oakleaf82

Boundaries are important. I am just now at one year feeling comfortable enough to go to things where alcohol is involved. But for the most part I still prefer to avoid. If I do go, I don’t usually stay long.

grayghost1965

I like the term August used - "ambivert" - that is definitely applicable to me. I have always functioned well around strangers - it is crucial in my job; away from work, however, I much prefer my own company or my wife/family/select few friends. The people in my inner circle don't drink very much if at all, so it's safe. The only occasion I have usually to be around alcohol is the big work Christmas party. I won't go this year, mostly because there are several people I can't stand sober, so I doubt I'll like them much better when they are trashed.

You are sensible to not put yourself in "iffy" situations - no one can make that decision for you but you. That same situation next month might be fine and you can handle it, but if there's doubt in your mind, or if it feels like it will be a chore, skipping it is the wisest course of action.

August252015

Another thing that I don't think anyone has mentioned yet- "no is a complete sentence," and IMO and IME declining ANY invitation that makes us uncomfortable (or potentially so) is ALWAYS ok. There are times I have opted out of family things (like Thanksgiving!) because I live in peace instead of drama, and such reasons.

Also....I have found that people care much less about what we do and are often self-focused enough (absorbed, even) to accept our declines, reason given or not, more easily than we worry they will.

I like that point about not liking people sober, so doubting we'll like them better drunk! It's not fun for me to be around a bunch of drunk people- sometimes I am amused by some people's ridiculous, but wasting my time around that stuff is just that - wasting time I could spend on things and people I do enjoy!

misscostalot

Again, thanks everyone. Great advice here! Really is a great comfort to have such support. It's too cold to go out anyway! ;-)