Starting to lose things
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 4
Starting to lose things
Hey,
So I haven't hit rock bottom yet but I'm starting to lose people and any semblance of common sense and I could use some help. Around a year ago I hit a rough time in my life which wasn't anything I hadn't dealt with before sober but this time around I had access to drugs and what initially started as curiosity/interest started to spiral. First it was alcohol and I started binging harder and scheduling binges and kept that going until blackouts got more frequent and I figured out that too much alcohol turns me into someone I don't want to be. And then I cut that down and moved to benzos. Scheduled those too. 3-4 days a week so that I didn't get physically addicted and came up with absurd justifications as to why I needed to keep going with the schedule while my tolerance went up. Then I moved on to psychedelics again scheduled once every couple of weeks. I couldn't control dosages on any of these drugs and fell into the trap of thinking that restricting the quantity I took per session made me better.
I'm not close to my family but I have friends who I really care about and I'm starting to lose them between the dumb justifications for drug use, things I do while on drugs, being emotionally erratic when I'm not on drugs, and generally not being considerate. Starting to lose people has been a wake up call that I have a problem despite them telling me that for months before while I found every way possible to deny it. I don't want this to spiral to the point that I lose the life that I want and I'm stuck in a place where materially my life is better than ever but I can't enjoy it or take advantage of it.
Anyway I think its time I got some help because I've exhausted my friends and I know that doing this alone isn't going to work. I know I need to be sober right now because I can't use without thinking about it as a countdown until I can use it again. I think what I need to work on most is denial. I'm getting a little better in that I'm starting to be able to catch a fair bit of my justifications but sometimes they come out with me having no awareness whatsoever and that's what's damaging myself and other people most. The constant cycle of "oh I'm doing better/going to get better" followed by ******* up again. I've made a little progress in that unlike a few weeks ago I can admit that I'm an addict but I need to learn how to be consistent.
In terms of what I'm doing, I'm trying to build a routine that doesn't involve drugs. I'm starting to read on the train. I'm trying to get back into music again. I think what I'm having the most issue with there is figuring out what to do on weekends since I'm in a new city and don't have very many friends here and I don't think I'm ready to try going into drug heavy scenes sober yet which tended to be my go-tos. One of my friends who I'm losing agreed to let me run it by her when I want to use and want to confirm that my thinking is dumb. I ****** it up the first time but I want to get better at that.
Sorry for the long post and sorry if it's a bit scattered. Last night wasn't great and I'm still not thinking as clearly as I'd like. Also if there's anyone in a similar spot who wants to chat so that we can hold each other accountable I'd be game.
So I haven't hit rock bottom yet but I'm starting to lose people and any semblance of common sense and I could use some help. Around a year ago I hit a rough time in my life which wasn't anything I hadn't dealt with before sober but this time around I had access to drugs and what initially started as curiosity/interest started to spiral. First it was alcohol and I started binging harder and scheduling binges and kept that going until blackouts got more frequent and I figured out that too much alcohol turns me into someone I don't want to be. And then I cut that down and moved to benzos. Scheduled those too. 3-4 days a week so that I didn't get physically addicted and came up with absurd justifications as to why I needed to keep going with the schedule while my tolerance went up. Then I moved on to psychedelics again scheduled once every couple of weeks. I couldn't control dosages on any of these drugs and fell into the trap of thinking that restricting the quantity I took per session made me better.
I'm not close to my family but I have friends who I really care about and I'm starting to lose them between the dumb justifications for drug use, things I do while on drugs, being emotionally erratic when I'm not on drugs, and generally not being considerate. Starting to lose people has been a wake up call that I have a problem despite them telling me that for months before while I found every way possible to deny it. I don't want this to spiral to the point that I lose the life that I want and I'm stuck in a place where materially my life is better than ever but I can't enjoy it or take advantage of it.
Anyway I think its time I got some help because I've exhausted my friends and I know that doing this alone isn't going to work. I know I need to be sober right now because I can't use without thinking about it as a countdown until I can use it again. I think what I need to work on most is denial. I'm getting a little better in that I'm starting to be able to catch a fair bit of my justifications but sometimes they come out with me having no awareness whatsoever and that's what's damaging myself and other people most. The constant cycle of "oh I'm doing better/going to get better" followed by ******* up again. I've made a little progress in that unlike a few weeks ago I can admit that I'm an addict but I need to learn how to be consistent.
In terms of what I'm doing, I'm trying to build a routine that doesn't involve drugs. I'm starting to read on the train. I'm trying to get back into music again. I think what I'm having the most issue with there is figuring out what to do on weekends since I'm in a new city and don't have very many friends here and I don't think I'm ready to try going into drug heavy scenes sober yet which tended to be my go-tos. One of my friends who I'm losing agreed to let me run it by her when I want to use and want to confirm that my thinking is dumb. I ****** it up the first time but I want to get better at that.
Sorry for the long post and sorry if it's a bit scattered. Last night wasn't great and I'm still not thinking as clearly as I'd like. Also if there's anyone in a similar spot who wants to chat so that we can hold each other accountable I'd be game.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
I'm sorry to hear about everything you're going through and sadly it doesn't get better from here until we stop drinking/using. For years I avoided help and now that I go to AA (which works for me personally), I meet people who say wow I wish I'd gotten help when I was your age (they're a lot older than me). My addictions had progressed FAST and well beyond my age ; I was on the way to being one of the young ones who die from alcoholism.
I say all this to say I understand your hesitancy to get help.we ALL were there. And I'm SO GLAD I did. Every time I go to AA I think man, thank goodness I finally decided to be free and get my life back. It's not easy but it is simple and getting help is KEY. For me, I needed to be in a room full of people who have been there and UNDERSTAND. I hate being in a room surrounded by people but I NEED it and am learning to want it because it's helping me so much.
I say all this to say I understand your hesitancy to get help.we ALL were there. And I'm SO GLAD I did. Every time I go to AA I think man, thank goodness I finally decided to be free and get my life back. It's not easy but it is simple and getting help is KEY. For me, I needed to be in a room full of people who have been there and UNDERSTAND. I hate being in a room surrounded by people but I NEED it and am learning to want it because it's helping me so much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Berrybean 
Where do you foresee your rock bottom actually being then?
You really want to lose more?
BB
You really want to lose more?
BB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, rabbit.
Welcome.
Sounds like you are ready t make a change!
Building a sober life is kind of like building a wall.
You do it by adding one brick, then another, and so on.
The first thing, of course, is to stop using or drinking and create a recovery plan.
A recovery plan is there to help you when cravings and that little voice in your head tells you it’s okay to have just one.
This can mean hitting AA hard, or finding another means of support, like SMART or Refuge Recovery.
Some people’s recovery plans include regular exercise.
Some investigate cognitive behavior therapy.
I found it helped me a lot to just focus on today when I was in early sobriety.
AA helped me a lot.
This site has good information and amazing support, so Ihope you will keep posting.
Good luck.
Welcome.
Sounds like you are ready t make a change!
Building a sober life is kind of like building a wall.
You do it by adding one brick, then another, and so on.
The first thing, of course, is to stop using or drinking and create a recovery plan.
A recovery plan is there to help you when cravings and that little voice in your head tells you it’s okay to have just one.
This can mean hitting AA hard, or finding another means of support, like SMART or Refuge Recovery.
Some people’s recovery plans include regular exercise.
Some investigate cognitive behavior therapy.
I found it helped me a lot to just focus on today when I was in early sobriety.
AA helped me a lot.
This site has good information and amazing support, so Ihope you will keep posting.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by rabbit8991
.... I guess what I mean is I know intellectually at least that I'm at a point where I have to make a choice between having the life I want and drugs.
We choose our rock bottom to a degree. If this is where you want to draw the line you can make this your rock bottom. If you want to wait til you're a bit more desperate before you're ready, then you can choose a lower rock bottom.
Do you think you can just stop the drug use when you choose to, or are you willing to reaching out for some help (other than this place I mean) - rehab or whatever i mean. Possibly NarAnon or similar if that is available in your area.
BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Berrybean
That's good. Because the longer we stay in active addiction, the more we lose. And sometimes that's a drip-drip effect, but sometimes things can catch up with us in a catastrophic crash. All the time we make that choice to stay in active addiction we are toying with the possibility of a crash, and la-la-laaaing at the drip drip of inevitable loss. Money. Relationships. Health. Liberty. But most of all, integrity and hope. Drip. Drip. Drip.
We choose our rock bottom to a degree. If this is where you want to draw the line you can make this your rock bottom. If you want to wait til you're a bit more desperate before you're ready, then you can choose a lower rock bottom.
Do you think you can just stop the drug use when you choose to, or are you willing to reaching out for some help (other than this place I mean) - rehab or whatever i mean. Possibly NarAnon or similar if that is available in your area.
BB
We choose our rock bottom to a degree. If this is where you want to draw the line you can make this your rock bottom. If you want to wait til you're a bit more desperate before you're ready, then you can choose a lower rock bottom.
Do you think you can just stop the drug use when you choose to, or are you willing to reaching out for some help (other than this place I mean) - rehab or whatever i mean. Possibly NarAnon or similar if that is available in your area.
BB
I'd like to say yes but the most I can say is I don't know. Other times I've said I'd fix it were less serious than this time but I still said I'd fix it and that I'd either stay clean or use like a normal person and then didn't. Even then I think at this point its not the drugs themselves so much as it is that I need to relearn how to use my time without drugs, get better coping mechanisms, and hopefully figure out how to engage the similar social scenes to the ones I'm used to without using. I don't know if I'm ready to give up on trying to use in a healthy fashion forever but I do know that when things were okay it was because I had decent coping mechanisms and a life of which drugs were just a singular component rather than having a life built around drugs. And I know I can't rebuild that life while I'm still using. I don't know if I'm ready to do an in person thing yet but I looked around and there are text chat SMART meetings that I'm going to try since I've exhausted my real life support system and having one can only make things easier.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Didntbyou already try to use in a 'healthy' way already ?
My bet is that you'll find (like most of us) that is nothing changes, nothing changes. We can do all that hard work getting clean and / or sober, and then try to drink or use like a 'normal ' person and we're just back in the mire again.
What you're talking about is wanting to avoid the consequences without stopping using. But you can't unpickle a gerkin.
We can recover, so scan learn to live a rewarding and happy life clean / sober, but our faulty off-switch doesn't get to be mended. Ever.
BB
My bet is that you'll find (like most of us) that is nothing changes, nothing changes. We can do all that hard work getting clean and / or sober, and then try to drink or use like a 'normal ' person and we're just back in the mire again.
What you're talking about is wanting to avoid the consequences without stopping using. But you can't unpickle a gerkin.
We can recover, so scan learn to live a rewarding and happy life clean / sober, but our faulty off-switch doesn't get to be mended. Ever.
BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Didntbyou already try to use in a 'healthy' way already ?
My bet is that you'll find (like most of us) that is nothing changes, nothing changes. We can do all that hard work getting clean and / or sober, and then try to drink or use like a 'normal ' person and we're just back in the mire again.
What you're talking about is wanting to avoid the consequences without stopping using. But you can't unpickle a gerkin.
We can recover, so scan learn to live a rewarding and happy life clean / sober, but our faulty off-switch doesn't get to be mended. Ever.
BB
My bet is that you'll find (like most of us) that is nothing changes, nothing changes. We can do all that hard work getting clean and / or sober, and then try to drink or use like a 'normal ' person and we're just back in the mire again.
What you're talking about is wanting to avoid the consequences without stopping using. But you can't unpickle a gerkin.
We can recover, so scan learn to live a rewarding and happy life clean / sober, but our faulty off-switch doesn't get to be mended. Ever.
BB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Those thoughts 're what is commonly referred to as our AV. Addictive Voice.
The process of changing our thinking and responses so we're no longer puppets to our AV is Recovery. Smart (like you already mentioned ) or NarAnon/ NA are both good sources of support to work a program of recovery. Do you know which are available in your area? Its worth checking out dates, times and places and giving one of them a really good shot.
BB
The process of changing our thinking and responses so we're no longer puppets to our AV is Recovery. Smart (like you already mentioned ) or NarAnon/ NA are both good sources of support to work a program of recovery. Do you know which are available in your area? Its worth checking out dates, times and places and giving one of them a really good shot.
BB
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
