Chevfb7

Today is my AH first day off for the next three day stretch. He always drinks these nights. I walk in the door from work at 5:15, and can tell he has been drinking a lot already. I know tonight will be a night he gets "extremely" intoxicated instead of his "normal" drunk. On these nights he wants to pick fights and is very emotional. I prepare myself for a long night of walking on eggshells. He starts a fight less than 30 minutes after I have been home. Wanting to know why I don't want to be intimate much anymore. I don't really respond just let him go on and on how I don't do this and that. I listen to all the ugly things he says about me. I start dinner he follows me in the kitchen while our kids play in the next room he continues to say ugly things about me. I show no emotion and just cook. He accuses me of being a smart ass because I won't talk to him. I finally snap and tell him off, and he backs off, and has now been pouting for over an hour saying I have no respect for him! Does anyone have any advice or tips about not responding when this happens? I can only ever take so much then I always give in to the fighting. I know he is baiting me for this, and I just don't know why?

Angrymarble

I’m concerned your kids can hear your H. You don’t want them to think it’s normal to talk to a loved one this way.

He’s baiting you bc he has a problem. Easier to fight with you than deal with his issues.

AnvilheadII

I know he is baiting me for this, and I just don't know why?

because you are THERE. and so far, he gets away with it. you are his target, he gets to belittle YOU and feel better about himself. it's about all he has. as long as you are there, and he refuses to consider changing.......this is your life.

one can only take the verbal abuse for so long before they fight back. that's human nature.

hearthealth

This sounded like my evenings. The hardest thing for me to learn was to detach and not snap. That gives them so much ammunition. The next thing was to not take anything personal. My silence said it all and finding a safe place until he sobered up and that's when I spoke about my needs.

Soulful

This book truly changed my life.

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Chevfb7

How did you learn to detach while still living in the same home?

ladyscribbler

I was in a situation where I was not allowed to detach short of leaving. If he wanted a fight, there was going to be a fight. If I tried to detach, not react, he escalated- raged through the house, smashed furniture. Turned on all the lights upstairs and screamed and cursed until the kids woke up.

We were not safe in that home, because there was no way of knowing when those episodes would happen. Him having money was a fairly predictable indicator, and of course I tried to manage those times and episodes, thinking that if I was "prepared" I could keep things from getting out of control. Famous last words, right? Because every time I thought I had it figured out, had adjusted to the new low and was pretty sure I could carry on, things got worse.

Alcoholism is progressive. Abuse escalates. They are separate issues. I put all my eggs in the sobriety basket, thinking that if he stopped drinking or somehow learned to control it, the other behavior would stop.

Please make sure you and your children are safe tonight.

dandylion

Chev....I am with Anvilhead on this one.....A normal person can take the verbal abuse...yes, it is abuse...for so long...
Detachment is a tool that can buy some time and space in order to gather thoughts and gain more clarity....
BUT, it is not always possible in every situation. In some situations, it only causes an escalation of the abuse.....
this is especially hard on the children who may be witness to this. It affects the children more than, even the adults who are on the receiving end...as they carry these memories into their adulthood...and can trigger lots of anxiety and fear, for them....
I do, absolutely, know what you are going through...and, it feels like being in a torture chanber....Walking on eggshells is enormously draining.....and, it is no way to live....

Leaving the situation may be your only option.....Please talk to someone who is in a position to actually h elp you.....(as well as talking to us).....
As long as he is drinking, it will only get worse....

Westexy

Hi Chev - You are describing my life for the last three years of my marriage. Three marriage counselors told me and my husband that high conflict is horrible for children and that it is much better for children to live in a home where the parents ignore each other or don't have much of a relationship, than to live in a home where the parents are fighting. So, back to your question...In my own experience, I followed all the detachment tips but as my husband's drinking progressed, it got to a point where the only thing I could do was leave the house. I had to set a boundary with a consequence and stick to it - You, husband, are not allowed to call me names, criticize me or insult me. If you do, I will leave the room. If you follow me and continue, I will leave the house and take the children with me. This requires that you have a plan ready and that you stick with your stated consequences. Also, it's not intended to teach the other person a lesson (though it sometimes does). It's intended to protect you. However, as said above, it typically only buys you time or helps you de-escalate a situation. It's not usually a long-term solution.

Maudcat

Agree with Westexy.
Your husband baits you because he can.
Drunks are, as a rule obnoxious and argumentative.
Can you take the kids and leave when he is being particularly awful?
Not easy, I know.
But you don’t need his venom and neither do the kids.
Sounds kinda late in the game to draw boundaries, but....

biminiblue

I did this, but the problem was (I think) that he was happy to have me disappear so he could have free reign to drink and drug with no interference.

So yeah, detachment and boundaries work to give the non-alcoholic spouse some safety and space but it's not a long-term solution.

Chev, welcome to the site and I hope you start thinking about a way out of this. You can make it on your own. You deserve so much better. So do the kids.

hopeful4

How miserable for you, and even more so for your poor children.

He does it because he is an addict, and he can. Only one person can change in this situation, YOU.

Big hugs.

hearthealth

I agree detachment and leaving is a short term status. The long term status is how you will protect yourself and the children. Me being willing to separate and then to stand up for yourself changed my life. I couldn't control whether he drank or not, became a *** or not, but I could protect the children. My daughter is doing better in school. The school states it must be maturity. I know it's because of a safe home life. I don't have that trauma anymore. It's never to late to draw boundaries. Your children will start modeling their parents.