Bad day in court....struggling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Bad day in court....struggling.
Some of you already know from my previous posts that I've been trying to get divorced for over a year. The straw that broke the camel's back was when my STBXAH chose to relapse, after 5 months of sobriety following 30-day in patient rehab, WHILE he was taking care of our infant child the day I left for a work trip 700 miles away.
The day still haunts me, the anniversary of the day was awful for me, and it has been a really hard time dealing with my STBXAH ever since.
I feel lucky because as a result of my STBXAH actions, his parental rights have been restricted and he hasn't had overnight privileges since the night of the incident. He's been fighting for them for a year but hasn't really done anything to show he's remorseful about what he's done. He is monitored by soberlink but I know he's testing the program, with random days where his testing times are far enough apart so he doesn't get caught.
The last time we were in court, the judge told him to his face, he was an alcoholic and that he had to "prove to him" that he was dealing with his issue....fast forward to today, my STBXAH wasn't present but his attorney was telling the judge that he's done this and done that WITHOUT ANY PROOF!
Before I knew it the judge ruled that in the next few weeks, he has to test daily at certain times, attend AA multiple times a week, and show that he's in therapy and IF he can do all of that, he will get his FIRST overnight on Christmas Eve!!!!!!!!
I know it's not a guarantee but honestly i'm shattered. I have so many swirling emotions of anxiety, sadness, anger.
I'm trying to move myself back to center but its just too much to process. I guess on one hand I should be thankful I was able to go this long without him getting overnights but I just don't understand why the judge was so lenient ?
and Christmas Eve? Really?!
It's not that I want to keep my son from my STBXAH, it is that I will NEVER trust my STBXAH again. I can't imagine my son not sleeping peacefully in his crib......i'm so devastated that this is even becoming a close reality. I don't know what to do and the worst part is knowing there is nothing I can do......
any words of wisdom, support, anything.....I'd really appreciate. I feel so alone.
The day still haunts me, the anniversary of the day was awful for me, and it has been a really hard time dealing with my STBXAH ever since.
I feel lucky because as a result of my STBXAH actions, his parental rights have been restricted and he hasn't had overnight privileges since the night of the incident. He's been fighting for them for a year but hasn't really done anything to show he's remorseful about what he's done. He is monitored by soberlink but I know he's testing the program, with random days where his testing times are far enough apart so he doesn't get caught.
The last time we were in court, the judge told him to his face, he was an alcoholic and that he had to "prove to him" that he was dealing with his issue....fast forward to today, my STBXAH wasn't present but his attorney was telling the judge that he's done this and done that WITHOUT ANY PROOF!
Before I knew it the judge ruled that in the next few weeks, he has to test daily at certain times, attend AA multiple times a week, and show that he's in therapy and IF he can do all of that, he will get his FIRST overnight on Christmas Eve!!!!!!!!
I know it's not a guarantee but honestly i'm shattered. I have so many swirling emotions of anxiety, sadness, anger.
I'm trying to move myself back to center but its just too much to process. I guess on one hand I should be thankful I was able to go this long without him getting overnights but I just don't understand why the judge was so lenient ?
and Christmas Eve? Really?!
It's not that I want to keep my son from my STBXAH, it is that I will NEVER trust my STBXAH again. I can't imagine my son not sleeping peacefully in his crib......i'm so devastated that this is even becoming a close reality. I don't know what to do and the worst part is knowing there is nothing I can do......
any words of wisdom, support, anything.....I'd really appreciate. I feel so alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hmmm.
Understand your upset.
Where was your attorney when all this was coming down?
I’d be kinda surprised if your STBX can actually meet the judge’s criteria, but...
I guess anything can happen.
What does your attorney say?
Understand your upset.
Where was your attorney when all this was coming down?
I’d be kinda surprised if your STBX can actually meet the judge’s criteria, but...
I guess anything can happen.
What does your attorney say?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 89
I’d want to know why your lawyer didn’t object to that night.
However, from the sounds of it, he won’t be able to meet those criteria. And a smart experienced judge knows that. One failed or missed test and it’s over for him.
While it would upset me too, knowing my STBXAW would screw it up too.
However, from the sounds of it, he won’t be able to meet those criteria. And a smart experienced judge knows that. One failed or missed test and it’s over for him.
While it would upset me too, knowing my STBXAW would screw it up too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
She tried to object but the judge just started going and that was that. Part of me knows my lawyer thought this day was inevitable and she helped put all of the safety guards in place to ensure hat when/if he does have our child overnight, he will have to test around the clock.
I’m not going to lie I am disappointed she didn’t do more!! I keep replaying everything in my head wishing I could’ve done more to change the outcome.
I’m not going to lie I am disappointed she didn’t do more!! I keep replaying everything in my head wishing I could’ve done more to change the outcome.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by BAW81 
How do you get through it?
I’m trying to figure out my future. My H was put on lexapro and given kiloponin. I think a lot of our issues since August have been compounded by him thinking medications are his solution. If he has 1 or two drinks with those drugs he’s a mess. He peed himself the other night... it was a really attractive look.
If you stbxh gets your son is there a grandparent who can help out?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by velma929
Am I the only one who thinks the judge has set STBXH up to fail?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by velma929
Am I the only one who thinks the judge has set STBXH up to fail?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Before I knew it the judge ruled that in the next few weeks, he has to test daily at certain times,
The judge realizes he trying to game the system
attend AA multiple times a week,
what are the chances past week #1?
and show that he's in therapy
During the holiday season, good luck getting an appointment.
and IF he can do all of that, he will get his FIRST overnight on Christmas Eve!!!!!!!!
I'll bet the judge was not impressed by Ex's decision not to appear, too. Judges generally aren't stupid.
The judge realizes he trying to game the system
attend AA multiple times a week,
what are the chances past week #1?
and show that he's in therapy
During the holiday season, good luck getting an appointment.
and IF he can do all of that, he will get his FIRST overnight on Christmas Eve!!!!!!!!
I'll bet the judge was not impressed by Ex's decision not to appear, too. Judges generally aren't stupid.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by velma929
Before I knew it the judge ruled that in the next few weeks, he has to test daily at certain times,
The judge realizes he trying to game the system
attend AA multiple times a week,
what are the chances past week #1?
and show that he's in therapy
During the holiday season, good luck getting an appointment.
and IF he can do all of that, he will get his FIRST overnight on Christmas Eve!!!!!!!!
I'll bet the judge was not impressed by Ex's decision not to appear, too. Judges generally aren't stupid.
The judge realizes he trying to game the system
attend AA multiple times a week,
what are the chances past week #1?
and show that he's in therapy
During the holiday season, good luck getting an appointment.
and IF he can do all of that, he will get his FIRST overnight on Christmas Eve!!!!!!!!
I'll bet the judge was not impressed by Ex's decision not to appear, too. Judges generally aren't stupid.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by velma929
Am I the only one who thinks the judge has set STBXH up to fail?
On the other hand, maybe he does manage to meet those criteria (AA, multiple clean tests per day, therapy). Miracles do happen. That would be a good thing, although I can understand your wariness with trusting him with your son.
How did the judge say compliance would be determined - does your ex have to show proof that he has attended AA or therapy to the judge? to his lawyer? to your lawyer?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
That was my first thought. This sounds like a "give him enough rope ..." situation. The bar is set pretty high, and I'm guessing your ex will not be able to clear it. Then it will become even more clear that he is not addressing his addiction, and your claim that you should have sole custody will be stronger.
On the other hand, maybe he does manage to meet those criteria (AA, multiple clean tests per day, therapy). Miracles do happen. That would be a good thing, although I can understand your wariness with trusting him with your son.
How did the judge say compliance would be determined - does your ex have to show proof that he has attended AA or therapy to the judge? to his lawyer? to your lawyer?
On the other hand, maybe he does manage to meet those criteria (AA, multiple clean tests per day, therapy). Miracles do happen. That would be a good thing, although I can understand your wariness with trusting him with your son.
How did the judge say compliance would be determined - does your ex have to show proof that he has attended AA or therapy to the judge? to his lawyer? to your lawyer?
20 days just doesn’t seem like that much time. Honestly, I think he will be able to do it. He doesn’t believe in AA. I pray that maybe after attending, something good might get in....god knows nothing did after attending a 30 day inpatient rehab....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by BAW81
god knows nothing did after attending a 30 day inpatient rehab....
I go to court a lot as part of my job (not a lawyer!) and judges are not fools. They can see right through any BS a defendant tries to throw at them. Your judge has probably seen hundreds of addicts go through his court. He set the bar high expecting your AH to fail. At least that’s my gut feeling. I wish you luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by Challenger2013
Inpatient rehab is pretty much one big AA meeting and therapy session. At least it seemed like it when my STBXAW went through it. And it didn’t take. Nor did the outpatient a year later.
I go to court a lot as part of my job (not a lawyer!) and judges are not fools. They can see right through any BS a defendant tries to throw at them. Your judge has probably seen hundreds of addicts go through his court. He set the bar high expecting your AH to fail. At least that’s my gut feeling. I wish you luck!
I go to court a lot as part of my job (not a lawyer!) and judges are not fools. They can see right through any BS a defendant tries to throw at them. Your judge has probably seen hundreds of addicts go through his court. He set the bar high expecting your AH to fail. At least that’s my gut feeling. I wish you luck!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
