Notices

So Close to Losing It All

Old 11-29-2017, 07:23 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 3
So Close to Losing It All

I hit ‘rock bottom’ last week, and came clean to my hubby about all the coke, sex, and booze.The truth hurts so much, hurts me, him, our life, our plans, he also loves, and wants to help. I don’t understand why. I went to an AA meeting Monday, and then today I had a shot, a line of coke, and followed through on plans to have sex with a stranger I met on a dating site. I’m disgusted. I am so ashamed! I am mortified. What is the matter with me. I feel like the most depraved disgusting human alive. I can’t tell him again what I’ve done. This is worse than what I thought rock bottom was last week.
NicoleCatt1978 is offline  
Old 11-29-2017, 07:29 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
To be blunt. If you really love this man,let him go and focus on your recovery and he can start his. Maybe things will work out down the road,but your recovery is the most important thing at the moment. There's no need to have him around for it. Spare him pain. Just my opinion.
DontRemember is offline  
Old 11-29-2017, 07:39 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,048
Hi NicoleCatt

I'm sorry for your struggle - you sound like you're in real pain.

The support and good ideas here really helped me turn my life around I know we can help you too.

I would definitely stay off dating sites, and stay away from 'friends' with coke and booze.

If we want change I think we have to make change in a pretty drastic fashion?

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 11-29-2017, 07:42 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
SaturatedSeize's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 421
Welcome to SR and I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

You need to stop hurting the people you care about. As addicts, we are really good at that. I hurt everyone that was important to me before my recovery finally started.

You need to take those drastic steps if this future with your husband matters as much as you say it does. Delete those accounts on the websites, delete phone numbers, get rid of the dealers for your coke, dump the booze, make it harder to give in to your vices then it is not to. Give yourself more time to talk yourself out of a decision.

Use your guilt as motivation to recover. I did, and I still do. I remember how awful I felt and I never want to feel that way again.

Everyone can get better. Everyone can change. It's time to make a plan and stick to it. And understand WHY. Why are you seeking sexual encounters outside of your husband? Why do you do the drugs and drink? What can you do to stop it?

Take time and browse through these forums if you haven't. SO MUCH wisdom here.

Good luck.
SaturatedSeize is offline  
Old 11-29-2017, 08:07 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 3
Reading these forums is definitely comforting. The blunt hubby advice was mean and probably true, but he needs me as a caretaker, and I love him. I have to stop hurting him. I have to put my life together. I can’t keep using excuses, for my behavior, grown intelligent people should not handle problems this way. I know all of that, and then the next moment, rational thought flies out of the window and says, “Hey, one more time won’t hurt.” I work at a bar, and put my two weeks notice in this morning, to get out of that environment, and then I went and made all the other bad choices. I just deleted all the sites and numbers, it took all of my will power.
NicoleCatt1978 is offline  
Old 11-29-2017, 08:20 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Maudcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Nicole.
Welcome.
You have made a good start.
Keep coming back. Lots of support here.
Maudcat is offline  
Old 11-29-2017, 08:50 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Sobriety is Traditional
 
Coldfusion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,034
Welcome to SoberRecovery, Nicole.

When I really wanted to get sober, there had to be no booze or drugs around my home. If it's easy to reach for a shot or a line, my sobriety is in jeopardy. You are making great steps in that direction.

I hope you read around and post here, and keep going back to AA meetings. It works if you work it!
Coldfusion is offline  
Old 11-29-2017, 08:53 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Ghostlight1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Hello and welcome.
When I was younger I always had three or four girlfriends going at the same time. I cared about tem all, but I was not meant to be a monogamous person. That's just the way it is with me, although I've changed now in my old age.
Two of my girlfriends dealt coke. I did a lot of that and drank like a fool. Well, the fool I really am.
Looking back on it now, I realize I liked these girls but I used them for what I wanted.

It was extreme self-centeredness. It was all about me. My drink. My cocaine. Sex to pleasure myself.
I didn't really, deep down, care about anyone except myself. My next buzz. My next drink. The sex. It was all about me.
I've changed in my older age.
But I want you to know I understand where you're coming from.
Take a look inside yourself and maybe you'll see how my life was, reckless fun and sad. I satisfied my own desires and used good people to do it.
Again, it was all about me. Extreme self-centeredness run rampant, and man, I tore things up. All through my twenties. It was fun at the time.
Then came the alcoholism.

I could go on, but I hope you get the gist of what I'm writing. I was in it for myself and I didn't care what hearts I broke, or people I used or anything else.
It was like a party that I didn't leave for ten years.

Best to you. I lived like you and can relate. You're not alone and amends and recovery are possible.
Ghostlight1 is offline  
Old 11-29-2017, 09:14 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Ghostlight1 View Post
Hello and welcome.
When I was younger I always had three or four girlfriends going at the same time. I cared about tem all, but I was not meant to be a monogamous person. That's just the way it is with me, although I've changed now in my old age.
Two of my girlfriends dealt coke. I did a lot of that and drank like a fool. Well, the fool I really am.
Looking back on it now, I realize I liked these girls but I used them for what I wanted.

It was extreme self-centeredness. It was all about me. My drink. My cocaine. Sex to pleasure myself.
I didn't really, deep down, care about anyone except myself. My next buzz. My next drink. The sex. It was all about me.
I've changed in my older age.
But I want you to know I understand where you're coming from.
Take a look inside yourself and maybe you'll see how my life was, reckless fun and sad. I satisfied my own desires and used good people to do it.
Again, it was all about me. Extreme self-centeredness run rampant, and man, I tore things up. All through my twenties. It was fun at the time.
Then came the alcoholism.

I could go on, but I hope you get the gist of what I'm writing. I was in it for myself and I didn't care what hearts I broke, or people I used or anything else.
It was like a party that I didn't leave for ten years.

Best to you. I lived like you and can relate. You're not alone and amends and recovery are possible.
Thank you
NicoleCatt1978 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:11 PM.