QueenRiddle

Hi,

I found this forum a few months ago and have lurked here and there, but I guess I need a little bit more direct advice. Sorry in advance if this is really long!

My boyfriend and I are both in our early 30s and we've been together for several months. We met online initially and lived close enough to make the transition to having a relationship in the real world. We live a state away from each other, so the distance is not terrible but far enough that we can't see each other super regularly. I bring this up because it has some significance later in what I have to say.

At first I didn't understand why my boyfriend was having such severe mood swings, Jeckyll/Hyde personality would be an apt way to describe him sometimes. He can be extremely sweet, funny, and loving one moment and turn into a monster the next without warning. I thought perhaps it was something like BPD, but eventually he opened up to me about his drinking problem which has gotten worse as the year has progressed.

He knows that he has a problem and it's a major step that he's told me, his family, and his close friends about his issues. Sometimes he tried to stop drinking entirely, but I have noticed that this has backfired and with each cycle of this, he gets worse and worse. He seems to do okay when he drinks socially (such as having a few beers with friends or when we split a bottle of wine), but it's when he's by himself, that's when he drinks hard liquor...a lot of it. He doesn't know when to stop.

I've tried to encourage him with various tips or personal rules to help him stop, such as not drinking alone, no keeping alcohol in his home, only having drinks with others in a social setting etc. He's been very receptive to the ideas in theory but isn't very good about executing them in real life. When he does drink socially, he's fine, but when he drinks alone, then it becomes problematic. It's really worrying.

Last time I saw him (about a month ago), there were a few nights were we split a bottle of wine and he did really well for a week after that. He seemed really happy, he felt better about being able to enjoy a little without going overboard. About a week after I left, it came crashing down, he was back to being Mr. Hyde. It was definitely one of his worst drinking episodes that I have known him to have.

At this point I don't know if it's better to only encourage social drinking or to encourage him to cut it out together. I lean towards the latter, but it seems like the more I do that, the worse his alcoholism gets. Yet if I do encourage him to only drink socially, I feel like I am enabling him, giving him an excuse to drink. It feels like there's nothing I can do to help that won't be detrimental to him.

I plan on visiting him the weekend after next, and I am not sure if I should entirely discourage drinking while I am there at risk that he'll binge on hard liquor when I am gone, or if I should just limit the amount we share together. I've read some Do's and Don't lists about how to behave around a loved one with alcoholism and there's a lot of conflicting information. Some of them say to not give ultimatums or bans, but then they also say not to drink around that person. If he wants to drink around me, should I just not say anything but not drink myself? Let him make the decision to drink or not drink, but silently set an example?

He says he's a lot healthier when I am around, and he always sounds so happy and excited when he talks about that sort of positive influence. I love him very much and want to continue being that something positive in his life. I have noticed that he definitely drinks a lot more/worse when I am not around though and that his worst nights of drinking usually seem to be those where he seems to miss me the most. I feel terrible for not being able to be there for him in person all the time because of the distance.

If anyone has any advice as to what I can do, how to encourage him in the best way possible, what tactics work or don't work, especially in a relationship where there is distance...any of it would be appreciated. To anyone who read all of this, thank you.

Maudcat

Hi, Queen. Welcome.
There is a lot of good info on this site, called stickies, about alcohol dependency and addiction.
I would learn as much as possible about alcohol addiction.
Knowledge is power.
Two things I can tell you: we can’t control another’s behavior.
And we can’t love someone into sobriety.
Though your SO says otherwise, you really can’t change or control what he does.
I’m saying this gently: people don’t drink because they miss someone.
They call or text that someone so they can stop missing them or miss them less.
Your SO drinks because he drinks.
Take you out of the picture and he will still drink, guaranteed.
I don’t think your being closer geographically will change much.
In fact, if you were my daughter or a friend, I would be advising the opposite: keep your distance.
Life with a drinker is a hard, tough road.
Hope this doesn’t sound harsh. I wish you only the best, and I hope you will continue to post, as this site has lots of support.
Good luck. Sending you good thoughts.

AnvilheadII

Last time I saw him (about a month ago)

I have noticed that he definitely drinks a lot more/worse when I am not around though and that his worst nights of drinking usually seem to be those where he seems to miss me the most. I feel terrible for not being able to be there for him in person all the time because of the distance.

you haven't been in this guys presence for a month.....it's not that he drinks MORE when you are not around, it is that he drinks somewhat LESS when you ARE around.....which is rarely.

sorry, you are not the magic balm for his drinking problem. no one is.
he still turns ugly when you ARE around. he mistreats you.

we sholdn't give a pass to bad behavior. we shouldn't allow anyone to mistreat us. and those that do should be shown the door.

MariJo

Alot of portions of your story are very identical to mine except the long distance part.
Over the last year, my boyfriend has gotten worse and would sometimes blame me for his drinking. Like your boyfriend, he is very kind hearted and loving person when he is sober but turns into a monster when he drinks. He is abusive with his words and has done many hurtful actions while under the influence.
Like your boyfriend, he has declared to have a problem and says he will look into help, but has not. I learned in this site that no love or care can change that. Right now we are on the brink of breaking up because of so many things that has happened recently including cheating, which of course he can't remember occurred. Like always, he is sorry but doesn't follow up with action.
Like you, I would drink with him socially and encourage him to go out with friends who drink. Now I know that was a mistake. I know that addicts need to quit completely, they can't even have 1.
I don't want to tell you that things will get worse but you should try to seek a recovery center in order to prevent future incidents and as soon as you can.
Don't expect him to do it for you though. I did and it has broken my heart even further and has made me think, "why aren't I enough?" Fact is that WE ARE enough. How can he love me, if he doesn't love himself. He has to want to stop all by his will and hopefully your boyfriend's faith and hope doesn't fade, like mine has lost his.
This site is wonderful and you can find much help, even recovery centers and you can encourage your boyfriend to post in the appropriate forums. It's great not to feel lonely in tough situations. Some people will be very blunt but others will show compassion and advice which is what you and I need. Some people understand that it's a process. I hate that I let myself be respected by him when he turns into a monster. But how do you walk away from someone you love and cared for years. It's all a process.

Sending much love to you.

Maudcat

Beautifully said, Marijo.

RomanticTuring

QueenRiddle,

I've been in "relationship" with alcoholic and left. As much as I'm grateful for that life experience, I would not wish that upon my greatest enemy.

Unless the alcoholic is ready and willing to make a change ON THEIR OWN, they will, with most certainty, keep drinking. There may be episodes of not drinking (or hiding the drinking better), but it's what they are - episodes. Alcohol addiction is a tough beast to face.

I thought that my relationship was "special", "unique" that "we can make it together". Quack quack. Could not have been farther from the truth. In fact, my relationship followed kind of common pattern; there's two to tango and hers addiction on alcohol was an ideal match for my codependency, as I though I'm the one to save her and live happily ever after.

Please, do not be surprised when alcoholic will act as an alcoholic. Jekyll/Hyde personality is just a part of the package. Lies, denial, hiding, manipulation, sudden disappearances, cheating, mood swings, etc, etc often comes with that. Feel free to explore content of that package on your own. ;-) I did and it was not fun.

We are not responsible for other people's choices. We have responsibility to ourselves in first place. It is also a only part of the universe we can control. Our own actions, behavior and feelings.

We did not caused their drinking, we can not control their drinking, we can not cure their drinking, however we can contribute to the chaos.

As for the advice? I would take advantage of the distance relationship you are in and try to focus on yourself; as was already suggested, there is a lot of material, read it with open mind. I trust that you will be able to make your own healthy life choices.


Take care and feel free to post, this is indeed a great part of the internet!

PeacefulWater12

Welcome Queen Riddle

I relate to such a lot you share. Me to a tee!

Perhaps you could consider resigning from this exhausting job you have taken on. Trying to manage an alcoholic is a waste of precious energy to both people involved. Step aside, you take care of yourself.

Let him do whatever he is going to do. Be it drink or get help for himself.

Perhaps work on your codependency issues. Or, like me, you will attracted to another codependent relationship.

All best wishes to you.

NYCDoglvr

What you're seeing is the progression of alcoholism, which inevitably happens to people afflicted with the disease. He may mean it when he says he'll cut back or only drink at certain times but alcoholics can't stop, can't control their consumption once they pick up a drink. Two suggestions: Alanon, which can be a godsend when dealing with this, and asking yourself if this is what you want in a relationship. What we (codependents) find is we can talk, talk, talk and it doesn't stop or effect the another person's drinking. We're powerless over the alcoholic. At the same time we're not powerless over our own decisions, here we can act. Big hug.

atalose

Here comes direct..........

An active alcoholic is not relationship material. When you date someone a big red flags appear you don’t proceed, you stop.

He has a good deal going, he can drink when he wants plus he doesn’t have to deal with real relationship issues because he only see’s you once a month. A long distance detached relationship is what works best for alcoholics.
If you seek something more then what it is you are seeking in the wrong place.

Sasha1972

This sounds almost exactly like my ex-husband's second ex-wife's story (yes, I know the relationships get confusing). She met him online shortly after I left him. He was sweet, funny, smart - but also sometimes loud, suspicious and aggressive. She believed that he drank because of the stress and trauma caused by his evil ex-wife (that would be me). She thought that their relationship was special, that what they had was strong enough that with her support he could overcome his demons. He agreed that he needed to cut down on drinking and with her help he was sure he could do it. They even signed a "contract" in which he promised to limit his consumption. So they got married.

He did not overcome his demons. His "episodes" got worse and worse until they were almost continuous. She discovered bottles hidden around the house, credit cards with huge balances that she hadn't known about, and a lot of lies and manipulation.

Now they're divorcing - a really nasty, protracted and financially devastating divorce that makes mine look almost easy. His second wife reached out to me and discovered that I am not evil. Her experience was very much like mine, except in her case the whole train wreck was compacted into a couple of years rather than decades.

He has a new girlfriend who gets to hear about how both his ex-wives are evil and that he drinks to deal with the trauma of having married the two most evil people in the world consecutively.

I am sure that ex #2 would not object to me sharing her/our story.

TropicalWinter

There are giant red flags all over the place - with both his behavior and yours.

Your post sounds like something I could have written back in my steeped-in-codependence days. I second the recommendation for Codependent No More.

I fully agree with the post above that says that an alcoholic is not good relationship material.

You can't help him. He has to want to help himself and do what it takes to recover - himself.