That saying about apples and their trees.....
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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That saying about apples and their trees.....
AW had one of her world-class meltdowns yesterday. Broken glass all over the bedroom, holes in the walls, screaming incoherently, the works. I think it's been well over a year since the last one, but they used to come about every 6-12 months so she was long overdue.
She started a new job two weeks ago and already hates it. There's at least one person there who hates her too (there always is). They don't respect her. They laugh at her behind her back (no solid evidence, just "a feeling" or nonverbals she is -- imho -- probably mis-interpreting). The work is too much (this is probably true if she's having as much trouble as she says). "Aunt Flo" is in town. We need to plan the next three weeks in advance down to the finest detail. I am supposed to pay rapt attention, even when she's repeating the same thing I thought we were already past discussing. And apparently I "shat on her" for saying that she should get to bed since she had to work in the morning.
Three hours later, and I've been called about half the names in the book and I'm the worst person ever, and she "just wants to die" and "if only we had a gun" so she could kill herself in that moment. Today she'll tell me she didn't mean any of that, but it sure seems real every time she's saying such things. This time is slightly different, as last night she said she meant every one of the names she used against me, and she didn't threaten to leave this time, but she "doesn't need" my "attitude" this morning.
Anyway, I never met her mother -- she died a year before I met AW from an untimely end in part due to her own struggles with alcoholism. I am constantly reminded of stories I've heard about her both from AW and her grandmother (AW's mother's mother) and I am sure she takes after her mother much more than she's willing to admit, even to me. Grandma has two pieces of furniture she's held onto for going on two decades which were utterly disfigured and/or destroyed by AW's mom, which mom apparently destroyed in a rage just like AW had last night. And for a very similar reason -- namely because of "frustrations" due to some perceived slight that turned into a full on conflagration in their minds.
There are other similarities which I won't go into, except to say that as AW's drinking gets worse, she reminds me of a woman I've never met and only know through limited family stories about her. And I find this kind of frightening, to experience familiarity with someone else's dead family member I never met, knowing that the same addiction works the same way across generations.
And for those concerned, last time I went to my doctor I mentioned AW's addiction and he said whenever I was ready to let him know and he would suggest a local meeting group. I've emailed him today after last night's sh*t-storm and once I hear back from him I expect to start if not soon, then after the holidays.
She started a new job two weeks ago and already hates it. There's at least one person there who hates her too (there always is). They don't respect her. They laugh at her behind her back (no solid evidence, just "a feeling" or nonverbals she is -- imho -- probably mis-interpreting). The work is too much (this is probably true if she's having as much trouble as she says). "Aunt Flo" is in town. We need to plan the next three weeks in advance down to the finest detail. I am supposed to pay rapt attention, even when she's repeating the same thing I thought we were already past discussing. And apparently I "shat on her" for saying that she should get to bed since she had to work in the morning.
Three hours later, and I've been called about half the names in the book and I'm the worst person ever, and she "just wants to die" and "if only we had a gun" so she could kill herself in that moment. Today she'll tell me she didn't mean any of that, but it sure seems real every time she's saying such things. This time is slightly different, as last night she said she meant every one of the names she used against me, and she didn't threaten to leave this time, but she "doesn't need" my "attitude" this morning.
Anyway, I never met her mother -- she died a year before I met AW from an untimely end in part due to her own struggles with alcoholism. I am constantly reminded of stories I've heard about her both from AW and her grandmother (AW's mother's mother) and I am sure she takes after her mother much more than she's willing to admit, even to me. Grandma has two pieces of furniture she's held onto for going on two decades which were utterly disfigured and/or destroyed by AW's mom, which mom apparently destroyed in a rage just like AW had last night. And for a very similar reason -- namely because of "frustrations" due to some perceived slight that turned into a full on conflagration in their minds.
There are other similarities which I won't go into, except to say that as AW's drinking gets worse, she reminds me of a woman I've never met and only know through limited family stories about her. And I find this kind of frightening, to experience familiarity with someone else's dead family member I never met, knowing that the same addiction works the same way across generations.
And for those concerned, last time I went to my doctor I mentioned AW's addiction and he said whenever I was ready to let him know and he would suggest a local meeting group. I've emailed him today after last night's sh*t-storm and once I hear back from him I expect to start if not soon, then after the holidays.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 89
My AW had a meltdown the other night as well. Except she had not been drinking that night. I was accused of divorcing her “now that I don’t need her money” and then accused of wanting to “take all of her money”. I mean, which is it?
And then, in a moment of clarity, I realized that she had become her alcoholic father. He has been sober for 20+ years, but he’s still an a$$h0le. I can only imagine what he was like drunk.
But the slightest perceived threat becomes a grand master scheme against her.
And then the next day all of the names called and accusations are taken back because she’s just “tired, scared, and frustrated”.
But I don’t have to put up with it much longer!
And then, in a moment of clarity, I realized that she had become her alcoholic father. He has been sober for 20+ years, but he’s still an a$$h0le. I can only imagine what he was like drunk.
But the slightest perceived threat becomes a grand master scheme against her.
And then the next day all of the names called and accusations are taken back because she’s just “tired, scared, and frustrated”.
But I don’t have to put up with it much longer!
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
and you put up with that crap WHY again...................?
The occasional conflagration I used to consider as a big deal and we'd have some kind of discussion that I thought settled things, but after the last one I finally realized that the common factor is always the alcohol. And after this one, I'm finally trying something different about it.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Denver CO
Posts: 16
MM
You are not alone. For reasons unknown or known (I loved him regardless of the selfish person he was) we stay until we're personally ready or until something else changes. Right now I am on the other side (finally walked away) but I'm still struggling everyday. 10 years is a long time for me to just forget. Sometimes just having a place to vent or hearing a kind word is all I need. I hope that when you get that referral you find a meeting for you that helps you find some peace in this chaotic world. You are not alone. Hugs
You are not alone. For reasons unknown or known (I loved him regardless of the selfish person he was) we stay until we're personally ready or until something else changes. Right now I am on the other side (finally walked away) but I'm still struggling everyday. 10 years is a long time for me to just forget. Sometimes just having a place to vent or hearing a kind word is all I need. I hope that when you get that referral you find a meeting for you that helps you find some peace in this chaotic world. You are not alone. Hugs
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
[QUOTE=MrMystery;6690615]
Oh my goodness. I'm sitting here blushing, remembering my old self...
World-class meltdowns yesterday (using rage as a weapon and security blanket)
Starting new jobs and always quickly hating it for not being what is expected or hoped for
Always believing that at least one person anywhere hated me
Paranoia that others didn't respect me and laughed at me behind my back
The work was always 'too much' (of course it was - I was sick!!)
Trying to control / manipulate things by overplanning
Going on and on about my stuff, oblivious to the fact that others had a life as well
Feeling like anyone who said anything I disagreed with / didn't want to hear was attacking me.
Name calling and being verbally venomous
Wanting to die rather than carry on with things as they are
I'm so pleased you're going to get some support for what you are going through. You'll be in my prayers. If it's AlAnon there will be no wait - you could start when ever the next meeting happens
I'll also be praying for your wife to hit her rock bottom soon, and recieve the gift of desperation and find the willingness to change how she does things. Thing is, theres nothing you can do to bring that on. It is an inside job. If the day comes that she is willing to do what it takes to get sober and work on her recovery then there will be some hope. I suppose you've just got to decide if you're willing to stick around and wait for that day. It doesn't come for everyone.
BB
Oh my goodness. I'm sitting here blushing, remembering my old self...
World-class meltdowns yesterday (using rage as a weapon and security blanket)
Starting new jobs and always quickly hating it for not being what is expected or hoped for
Always believing that at least one person anywhere hated me
Paranoia that others didn't respect me and laughed at me behind my back
The work was always 'too much' (of course it was - I was sick!!)
Trying to control / manipulate things by overplanning
Going on and on about my stuff, oblivious to the fact that others had a life as well
Feeling like anyone who said anything I disagreed with / didn't want to hear was attacking me.
Name calling and being verbally venomous
Wanting to die rather than carry on with things as they are
I'm so pleased you're going to get some support for what you are going through. You'll be in my prayers. If it's AlAnon there will be no wait - you could start when ever the next meeting happens
I'll also be praying for your wife to hit her rock bottom soon, and recieve the gift of desperation and find the willingness to change how she does things. Thing is, theres nothing you can do to bring that on. It is an inside job. If the day comes that she is willing to do what it takes to get sober and work on her recovery then there will be some hope. I suppose you've just got to decide if you're willing to stick around and wait for that day. It doesn't come for everyone.
BB
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Is there some mental illness in the mix MrM? The paranoia, and explosions after a buildup of pressure makes me wonder. Alcohol of course, but is that the cause or the effect?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Glad you are trying something different. Al-anon, meetings are easy to find online, you do not need a doctor for that. And they happen just about every day at various times, nothing that needs to be set up after the holidays, you just go.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You don't need a doctor to recommend local meetings. Alanon or Celebrate Recovery would likely help you immensely. As would a therapist (for you only, trying to have couples therapy with an addict is useless), who helps families deal with addiction.
I am sorry you are going through this.
I am sorry you are going through this.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by Challenger2013
^^^^^^^^^^^
Understatement of the day.
Understatement of the day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by atalose
Glad you are trying something different. Al-anon, meetings are easy to find online, you do not need a doctor for that. And they happen just about every day at various times, nothing that needs to be set up after the holidays, you just go.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by MrMystery
...started a new job two weeks ago and already hates it. There's at least one person there who hates her too (there always is). They don't respect her. They laugh at her behind her back (no solid evidence, just "a feeling" or nonverbals she is -- imho -- probably mis-interpreting). The work is too much (this is probably true if she's having as much trouble as she says).
I kicked him out shortly after that last "new job" . It was the last job he ever had as he quit almost a year after he left the family home. It worked out well for him as he doesn't have the means to pay any child support hmm...
Every job he ever had was the same. He claimed: people hated him or vice versa, he was the best in the role but no-one appreciated it, the organization had no clue about how to do things, he should been the boss, the clients liked him more than anyone else blah blah blah.
Oh and every time he was sacked it was always "not my fault" sob sob sob.
I couldn't live like this for another 20 plus years so I'm so glad I kicked him out and got on with my life.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by MrMystery
...so I considered that showing up once then not again for several weeks might not be kosher. I know I could just go any time, but I'd like to have a regular stable schedule first. Is this not necessarily a sound strategy?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
There will never be costs involved with Alanon or Celebrate Recovery. Nor is there an expectation that you have to come at certain times or dates. I myself think going now would give you momentum to continue with therapy, etc. after your travel plans. Face to face support can bring very big relief with the right group.
Big hugs to you.
Big hugs to you.
Originally Posted by MrMystery
I suppose it needs clarifying that my insurance picks up the tab on these things, hence talking to my doctor in case there are costs involved either for a group or for therapy. And we already have travel plans in a couple weeks, so I considered that showing up once then not again for several weeks might not be kosher. I know I could just go any time, but I'd like to have a regular stable schedule first. Is this not necessarily a sound strategy?
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