My long, annual update
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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My long, annual update
I like to update here about once each year, if for nothing more than my own journaling purposes..... at some point I realized I have shared so much here that it feels right to keep updating chapters of the story even if I'm not actively in any kind of crisis or 'need'.
I'm a bit off-schedule, usually updating around my "recovery anniversary" in the summer.... but the last few months have been so up & down & just plain BUSY that I keep putting it off.... and I stopped caring about officially tracking the time anyway.
Last year's update here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...covery-me.html (5 Years of Codependent Recovery for Me)
I'm around 6.5 yrs into this process at this point. A couple of years ago I stopped looking at it as something I am doing to Get Over Something, and started approaching it from the perspective of Getting Strong - a whole life recovery about getting healthier in every way vs. staying entrenched in all the reasons why I wasn't feeling that awesome already. I wanted to push my own boundaries, I wanted to start living beyond a limited belief system/mindset - no longer was I "not enough" for anything, no longer was I going to wait for permission to jump into life imperfectly & get comfortable making mistakes. I've managed to keep the weight off, continued refining my workouts & can say I feel 100% positive I will not be backsliding into emotional eating/binging any time soon. I'm in the absolute BEST shape of my life at almost 44-yrs old.
I'm still growing. I'm not hitting huge AHA moments so much any longer ~and that's OK~ but seeing things in a much more Big Picture Sense. I'm not measuring every baby step & continually stopping to reorient myself anymore; I'm walking my path trusting my internal guidance system instead. Heck I'm not even just walking - I'm dancing & running, strutting often & sometimes even sashaying a bit. This is MY life, I'll dance to the soundtrack playing in my head if & when I feel like it.
DD continues to impress & amaze me - she's crushing the 8th grade right now, headed on a fast track to college already. She's had a bunch of great opportunities appear for her & she's taking advantage of every single one. She hit a crazy growth spurt this last year & is now just slightly taller than me - which she finds comical, of course. I've always known she'd be taller than me, I just didn't expect it this early.
She's worked on getting more independent over this last year as well - staying home alone, babysitting younger relatives, doing light cooking & laundry, etc. I tell her - Don't be That Girl - the freshman in college that can't figure out how to clean her own underwear, make a simple meal or budget yourself for needs vs. wants.
My husband left for a planned trip just days ahead of our area getting impacted by a hurricane. It was not at all intentional - the trip had been planned long before & by the time we realized the storm had turned, there was no way for him to get back in time & not get caught up in it.
DD & I learned A LOT about ourselves & our abilities & it's safe to say that we shattered the previous ceiling of what we thought our limits were. She has requested power tools for Christmas this year, if that tells you anything, lol!
While I would have never chosen things to go down the way that they did, it really did turn into an incredible growth experience for all of us. He has always had a very difficult time supporting me without criticizing or trying to control the way I'm handling situations that make him uncomfortable - and to say having "left" his family alone to face this disaster made him very uncomfortable would be a huge understatement. Usually he discharges that by turning it on me but this time I was able to See It so clearly, dump it back on him & tell him I didn't have time to hold his hand to make him feel better about all of this - there is a Cat 4/5 barreling toward our wood frame stilted house & I have a child & 5 cats to think about. You'll have to soothe yourself this time.... figure out a way to be helpful & supportive using WORDS & emotions, Dear. I think he also struggled with the idea the we don't NEED him - that we could & did survive AND came out stronger & more resilient than ever.
We also had a close-up look at the ugly side of Codependency during the time we stayed with my sister's family throughout this ordeal - DD called it out after about 48 hrs & we decided to take our chances camping out alone on our own property vs staying with them and their generator. I was surprised but she said the physical discomfort was less than the emotional dis-ease of watching sis's family interact. It's true that during these crisis moments people's masks start to slip if they've been falsely representing themselves.... you really get to see whether someone is ugly or not inside when they are in survival mode. It's safe to say that my sister is on track to turn into my professionally codependent mother, all the while complaining about the behavior she's emulating.
I wish I could report that RAH is doing well since then but the truth is that he's just total mess at this point - it's not about relapsing & drinking so much as it is about his collapsed mental state & his absolute lack of spirituality. We had some drama pop up over the summer that involved a bunch of "friends" jumping into our business & it got ugly... on both sides. I'll be the first to admit that I had a full-on Codie Relapse & said & did a lot of ugly things myself.
We ultimately decided to take some time apart because I knew that I needed time & space in order to be able to consider staying in this relationship - being on top of one another while we were in such dramatically different mental spaces was just too hard, I was no longer able to find my compassion for him/us or detach myself in a healthy way. I found myself finding ways to engage with him & be reactive as an outlet for my own frustration.
I literally had ONE night "off" from thinking about all of this - ONE night where I breathed an enormous sigh of relief & then the next morning it was Game On with the hurricane fast approaching..... and from that moment on it was 24/7 stress to prepare for, survive & recover from the storm...... which brought my husband back WEEKS ahead of schedule. I got absolutely no break at all & added a ton of additional stress to the load.
It's sad guys - he's a shell of a person who has never forgiven himself for a single thing he's done wrong. He's potentially ruining his future by refusing to let go of his past. It's incredible to me that his shame & inability to accept himself is so big - that *I* can forgive & move on, but he somehow can't. It has put us in very different places where he judges himself as less-than me in so many ways all the time.
I obviously don't sit around waiting for him to join me in Life - and to be fair, he's never asked me to even when he isn't a fan of *my* choices. My monthly nights out with my friends has turned into a regular Saturday Night Event..... some of this is due to DD's maturity too; her independence gives ME some freedoms too. And I like to believe that I am modeling self-love & self-care by showing her how my life doesn't stop when dad struggles. We talk about it - I'm not just hoping she'll pick it up via osmosis.
He doesn't join me/us often for social activities even though it's an open invitation. As expected, that distance between us has grown & become more noticeable to others. I've been warning him that we can only walk in different directions for so long before the chasm between us becomes too big to manage..... and/or someone else will come along & try to fill that space.... and that's pretty much what's been happening over this last year.
The most difficult part is that there is no lack of love - he struggles, he drives me bat$hit crazy at times with his circular thinking & regression (it's always a temporary loss of sanity, then I go back to my side of the street) but I do not doubt for a moment that the love he professes is real. I see the pain in his eyes, I see how lost he is inside of himself..... it's just not enough any longer. To his credit, he isn't trying to deny or pretend he's anything but a mess & THAT gets difficult too - watching someone tread water endlessly when you know ANY movement in ANY direction will be helpful.
I've looked into divorce just as a way of separating myself from the occasional storm that I find myself carried away in, but I'm really, really on the losing side of that equation. He has NO clue how difficult he could make things for me if we go down that road so I'm not rushing into something until I've got a solid Plan B in place - otherwise it's DD that will ultimately suffer the most. He can really make things hard for me if he chooses & right now, he's still motivated to contribute & fix everything so it seems stupid to bite my own nose off to spite my face.
One thing I've learned above all in this process is that I am the LAST person on this earth that he wants & will accept help from. The biggest tragedy here is that all of my years of healthy growth are obvious & he praises me for my evolution, but refuses to accept that the same methods & tools can work for him.
So that's my long, long-winded update for this last year...... to be continued!
I'm a bit off-schedule, usually updating around my "recovery anniversary" in the summer.... but the last few months have been so up & down & just plain BUSY that I keep putting it off.... and I stopped caring about officially tracking the time anyway.
Last year's update here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...covery-me.html (5 Years of Codependent Recovery for Me)
I'm around 6.5 yrs into this process at this point. A couple of years ago I stopped looking at it as something I am doing to Get Over Something, and started approaching it from the perspective of Getting Strong - a whole life recovery about getting healthier in every way vs. staying entrenched in all the reasons why I wasn't feeling that awesome already. I wanted to push my own boundaries, I wanted to start living beyond a limited belief system/mindset - no longer was I "not enough" for anything, no longer was I going to wait for permission to jump into life imperfectly & get comfortable making mistakes. I've managed to keep the weight off, continued refining my workouts & can say I feel 100% positive I will not be backsliding into emotional eating/binging any time soon. I'm in the absolute BEST shape of my life at almost 44-yrs old.
I'm still growing. I'm not hitting huge AHA moments so much any longer ~and that's OK~ but seeing things in a much more Big Picture Sense. I'm not measuring every baby step & continually stopping to reorient myself anymore; I'm walking my path trusting my internal guidance system instead. Heck I'm not even just walking - I'm dancing & running, strutting often & sometimes even sashaying a bit. This is MY life, I'll dance to the soundtrack playing in my head if & when I feel like it.
DD continues to impress & amaze me - she's crushing the 8th grade right now, headed on a fast track to college already. She's had a bunch of great opportunities appear for her & she's taking advantage of every single one. She hit a crazy growth spurt this last year & is now just slightly taller than me - which she finds comical, of course. I've always known she'd be taller than me, I just didn't expect it this early.
She's worked on getting more independent over this last year as well - staying home alone, babysitting younger relatives, doing light cooking & laundry, etc. I tell her - Don't be That Girl - the freshman in college that can't figure out how to clean her own underwear, make a simple meal or budget yourself for needs vs. wants.My husband left for a planned trip just days ahead of our area getting impacted by a hurricane. It was not at all intentional - the trip had been planned long before & by the time we realized the storm had turned, there was no way for him to get back in time & not get caught up in it.
DD & I learned A LOT about ourselves & our abilities & it's safe to say that we shattered the previous ceiling of what we thought our limits were. She has requested power tools for Christmas this year, if that tells you anything, lol!
While I would have never chosen things to go down the way that they did, it really did turn into an incredible growth experience for all of us. He has always had a very difficult time supporting me without criticizing or trying to control the way I'm handling situations that make him uncomfortable - and to say having "left" his family alone to face this disaster made him very uncomfortable would be a huge understatement. Usually he discharges that by turning it on me but this time I was able to See It so clearly, dump it back on him & tell him I didn't have time to hold his hand to make him feel better about all of this - there is a Cat 4/5 barreling toward our wood frame stilted house & I have a child & 5 cats to think about. You'll have to soothe yourself this time.... figure out a way to be helpful & supportive using WORDS & emotions, Dear. I think he also struggled with the idea the we don't NEED him - that we could & did survive AND came out stronger & more resilient than ever.
We also had a close-up look at the ugly side of Codependency during the time we stayed with my sister's family throughout this ordeal - DD called it out after about 48 hrs & we decided to take our chances camping out alone on our own property vs staying with them and their generator. I was surprised but she said the physical discomfort was less than the emotional dis-ease of watching sis's family interact. It's true that during these crisis moments people's masks start to slip if they've been falsely representing themselves.... you really get to see whether someone is ugly or not inside when they are in survival mode. It's safe to say that my sister is on track to turn into my professionally codependent mother, all the while complaining about the behavior she's emulating.
I wish I could report that RAH is doing well since then but the truth is that he's just total mess at this point - it's not about relapsing & drinking so much as it is about his collapsed mental state & his absolute lack of spirituality. We had some drama pop up over the summer that involved a bunch of "friends" jumping into our business & it got ugly... on both sides. I'll be the first to admit that I had a full-on Codie Relapse & said & did a lot of ugly things myself.
We ultimately decided to take some time apart because I knew that I needed time & space in order to be able to consider staying in this relationship - being on top of one another while we were in such dramatically different mental spaces was just too hard, I was no longer able to find my compassion for him/us or detach myself in a healthy way. I found myself finding ways to engage with him & be reactive as an outlet for my own frustration.
I literally had ONE night "off" from thinking about all of this - ONE night where I breathed an enormous sigh of relief & then the next morning it was Game On with the hurricane fast approaching..... and from that moment on it was 24/7 stress to prepare for, survive & recover from the storm...... which brought my husband back WEEKS ahead of schedule. I got absolutely no break at all & added a ton of additional stress to the load.
It's sad guys - he's a shell of a person who has never forgiven himself for a single thing he's done wrong. He's potentially ruining his future by refusing to let go of his past. It's incredible to me that his shame & inability to accept himself is so big - that *I* can forgive & move on, but he somehow can't. It has put us in very different places where he judges himself as less-than me in so many ways all the time.
I obviously don't sit around waiting for him to join me in Life - and to be fair, he's never asked me to even when he isn't a fan of *my* choices. My monthly nights out with my friends has turned into a regular Saturday Night Event..... some of this is due to DD's maturity too; her independence gives ME some freedoms too. And I like to believe that I am modeling self-love & self-care by showing her how my life doesn't stop when dad struggles. We talk about it - I'm not just hoping she'll pick it up via osmosis.
He doesn't join me/us often for social activities even though it's an open invitation. As expected, that distance between us has grown & become more noticeable to others. I've been warning him that we can only walk in different directions for so long before the chasm between us becomes too big to manage..... and/or someone else will come along & try to fill that space.... and that's pretty much what's been happening over this last year.
The most difficult part is that there is no lack of love - he struggles, he drives me bat$hit crazy at times with his circular thinking & regression (it's always a temporary loss of sanity, then I go back to my side of the street) but I do not doubt for a moment that the love he professes is real. I see the pain in his eyes, I see how lost he is inside of himself..... it's just not enough any longer. To his credit, he isn't trying to deny or pretend he's anything but a mess & THAT gets difficult too - watching someone tread water endlessly when you know ANY movement in ANY direction will be helpful.
I've looked into divorce just as a way of separating myself from the occasional storm that I find myself carried away in, but I'm really, really on the losing side of that equation. He has NO clue how difficult he could make things for me if we go down that road so I'm not rushing into something until I've got a solid Plan B in place - otherwise it's DD that will ultimately suffer the most. He can really make things hard for me if he chooses & right now, he's still motivated to contribute & fix everything so it seems stupid to bite my own nose off to spite my face.
One thing I've learned above all in this process is that I am the LAST person on this earth that he wants & will accept help from. The biggest tragedy here is that all of my years of healthy growth are obvious & he praises me for my evolution, but refuses to accept that the same methods & tools can work for him.
So that's my long, long-winded update for this last year...... to be continued!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Listen to your Higher Power, your Inner Wisdom, my friend. There's something very powerful going on in your life. Look for the unexpected gut intincts and follow them.
Walking a different path than your husband may look very different than anything you've thought of yet.
I see a very beautiful, strong woman who is embracing life. ALL of life.
KTF
Walking a different path than your husband may look very different than anything you've thought of yet.
I see a very beautiful, strong woman who is embracing life. ALL of life.
KTF
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow FS, you have had a lot going on! I am so happy you and DD got through the storms. For some reason I was thinking you are in a different part of the state, so I am sorry I did not inquire before!
I am so happy that you and your DD are doing so well. I look at your growth over the years and it's astounding, and admirable!
I am sad for your husband, sad that he cannot get past his past so to speak. It's a true shame.
I am always here to support you friend! Keep doing all the kind things you do for yourself and continue to show your DD how to take care of herself as well!
Huge Hugs!
I am so happy that you and your DD are doing so well. I look at your growth over the years and it's astounding, and admirable!
I am sad for your husband, sad that he cannot get past his past so to speak. It's a true shame.
I am always here to support you friend! Keep doing all the kind things you do for yourself and continue to show your DD how to take care of herself as well!
Huge Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Thanks so much for checking in. You sound absolutely amazing, clear headed, and your positivity and authenticity is so inspiring! You have (quite literally) weathered some storms with absolute grace - including picking out your part in them. No matter what happens in your relationship, I know you are making the most beautiful life for you and DD. (((HUGS))) to you, and thank you for the inspiration and sharing your success story!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 516
Hi Firesprite, thank you so much for your update. I don't post a lot in this group but I definitely read a lot and I love to see all of your comments and posts. I was so inspired by your previous post about what you'd achieved in a year. I was even telling my therapist yesterday about your idea of running at recovery rather than shying away from the pain. You've been incredibly helpful to me over the last year or so and you motivated me to go back into therapy and face some of my own stuff. So thank you and I hope I can achieve even a small percentage of what you have.
I'm sorry to read about what's going on with your relationship but I think it's wonderful that you're able to see it with such clarity and really stay with your feelings. It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation and I wish you lots of strength and support. x
I'm sorry to read about what's going on with your relationship but I think it's wonderful that you're able to see it with such clarity and really stay with your feelings. It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation and I wish you lots of strength and support. x
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TX
Posts: 103
WOW. Thank you for this! I love that your daughter is asking for tools. I have little snippets from my daughter that change is taking place from the inside and its wonderful. My AH is waiting around thinking we might com to our senses or fail and need him to pick us up. We pick ourselves up. I really really loved reading this thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Can DS and I come live with you for a while so we can learn so much from you and DD? Good for both of you!! What a smart kid you have - which isn't surprising based on all the wonderful guidance you have given her. I don;t know how to approach difficult/growth subjects with DS7.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
It is hard to let go of the shame of what you did in addiction.
I have to say ~again~ how thankful I am to have spent time reading all of Brene Brown's work. If not for that, I don't think I would be able to recognize what he's going through AS shame - it can evidence itself & trigger so differently in men vs. women.
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I am sorry I did not inquire before!
After all was said & done & we were tallying bruises & assessing psychological damage (you can almost see PTSD start to set in for some people) I told DD that after this, she should never EVER let any man or woman tell her what she's capable of, or what her limits are. I started calling us the Warrior Princess Brigade. I'm hoping to get T-shirts made for Christmas.
Originally Posted by elihoping
You've been incredibly helpful to me over the last year or so and you motivated me to go back into therapy and face some of my own stuff.
- I wholeheartedly believe we ALL can recover from EVERYTHING. 
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
I don;t know how to approach difficult/growth subjects with DS7.
Here's my guidepost, it hangs in my kitchen & DD has a copy in her bedroom:
http://brenebrown.com/wp-content/upl...gManifesto.pdf
And reality TV has provided us a lot of opportunity for discussion - your DS is a bit young yet, but around age 10, I had DD watch a couple of pre-screened episodes of Intervention, My 600# Life & other like-kind shows that helped me illustrate the commonalities among "addiction" & more importantly, the human condition of Numbing. A few months ago she led a conversation by saying, "You would not BELIEVE how easy it is to buy pot in middle school mom!" That might make other moms cringe or shy away, but my heart did a happy dance that she is talking to me about everything. YES!
Thank you guys so much - I've been working hard on me this whole time but these last few months have definitely been a firewalk. I have been working on my "shadow side" - and it really couldn't have happened without a lot of what has transpired over these months happening exactly as it has unfolded. I learned/am learning a lot about myself in ways I don't normally get to see because those limits don't often get tested.... more info on the psychology of that here, for those interested:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-is-the-shadow
(excerpt from that site below)
Authentic spirituality requires consciously accepting and relating properly to the shadow as opposed to repressing, projecting, acting out and remaining naively unconscious of its repudiated, denied, disavowed contents, a sort of precarious pseudospirituality. ‘‘Bringing the shadow to consciousness,’’ writes another of Jung’s followers, Liliane Frey-Rohn (1967), ‘‘is a psychological problem of the highest moral significance. It demands that the individual hold himself accountable not only for what happens to him, but also for what he projects. . . Without the conscious inclusion of the shadow in daily life there cannot be a positive relationship to other people, or to the creative sources in the soul; there cannot be an individual relationship to the Divine’’
It's no exaggeration to say that I have had tests coming at me left & right in new & old ways at a steady pace since the summer - which I think of as the official Kick-Off into this phase of my healing. (and it was right at/around my official recovery anniversary, hmmmm...) There is definitely a demarcation in my Self & my mindset ~again~ of before & after that series of events, it was pretty dramatic all around with a ripple effect that carried me right into the next event. It's not all centric to RAH - I'm talking about every part of my life; parenting, work, friends & family.
I continually come back to Me. No matter what RAH goes through, it's never about me, it's always a waste of time to get mired in it. (& I rarely think of things in such absolutes as always/never, so this is a bold statement for me.) So much of the "support" offered around me had to be filtered for Judgment & Projection - it's not just RAH that requires my skills in detachment & observing vs. reacting.
Tuning into Me, Loving Myself First, Honoring my Needs & Respecting Myself - that's what matters. That's the behavior DD emulates now. That's what keeps me connected to my Higher Self/Higher Power & has helped me reprogram my heart, head & gut instincts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk..... about EVERYTHING. You have to be willing to show vulnerability too Dad, that was the hardest part of it all for me really. Once I checked myself first, leading her through it was easier - even when sometimes the answer is "I don't know.... yet." Remember, for our kids especially, it's about building trust & honesty first & foremost.... the rest can flow imperfectly & there will always be ways to refine & correct it, so long as it is rooted in that trust.
Here's my guidepost, it hangs in my kitchen & DD has a copy in her bedroom:
http://brenebrown.com/wp-content/upl...gManifesto.pdf
And reality TV has provided us a lot of opportunity for discussion - your DS is a bit young yet, but around age 10, I had DD watch a couple of pre-screened episodes of Intervention, My 600# Life & other like-kind shows that helped me illustrate the commonalities among "addiction" & more importantly, the human condition of Numbing. A few months ago she led a conversation by saying, "You would not BELIEVE how easy it is to buy pot in middle school mom!" That might make other moms cringe or shy away, but my heart did a happy dance that she is talking to me about everything.
Here's my guidepost, it hangs in my kitchen & DD has a copy in her bedroom:
http://brenebrown.com/wp-content/upl...gManifesto.pdf
And reality TV has provided us a lot of opportunity for discussion - your DS is a bit young yet, but around age 10, I had DD watch a couple of pre-screened episodes of Intervention, My 600# Life & other like-kind shows that helped me illustrate the commonalities among "addiction" & more importantly, the human condition of Numbing. A few months ago she led a conversation by saying, "You would not BELIEVE how easy it is to buy pot in middle school mom!" That might make other moms cringe or shy away, but my heart did a happy dance that she is talking to me about everything.
"talk talk talk" - I'm an introvert!!! I'm measured in what I say and how I say it... Oy, this is gonna be tough!!
COD
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I second talk, talk, talk!
I found that when they got old enough my children were resenting me b/c I was not talking enough about the things going on in our household. They were concerned and confused, and I was not helping matters by trying to protect them. So yes, age appropriate discussions about everything in life!
I found that when they got old enough my children were resenting me b/c I was not talking enough about the things going on in our household. They were concerned and confused, and I was not helping matters by trying to protect them. So yes, age appropriate discussions about everything in life!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I don't know why, but something has shifted in RAH ... it's almost creepy, like if I was paranoid I'd think he'd been reading my posts here, because it started the same evening after I posted. (for the record, I'm not afraid of being found here & have zero reason to believe he's actually read anything I've written.)
Too early to predict anything obviously - but it's the longest stretch of changed behaviors & accountability that I've seen from him in a long time. I do know that he has started using meditation as a daily tool & I'm hearing a lot of positive talk that wasn't there before. (& he's been explaining that he's consciously working at seeing the positive over the negative by choice) He's been getting a lot of his household "to-do" list items started (it's extensive) and took the entire weekend off from work for the first time in longer than I can remember. It's the first year he's gone shopping to buy DD gifts specifically from him - usually he just defers to however I handle it & doesn't really get involved..... he's also usually one of those out trying to hustle to finish the little bit of shopping he has on Christmas Eve but this year claims to be almost completely finished already.
I do think he was pretty shocked when I still left him home Saturday night & went out with friends...... but hey! I made my plans a week earlier - no way I was changing it all at the last minute because he suddenly "woke up"..... at that point 2 decent days did not reverse months/years of ridiculousness.
In fact, a WEEK into it & I still find myself with one eyebrow raised higher than the other. I'm not being negative or expecting the worst - just continuing to observe whether actions are lining up with words & continuing to keep my needs in the forefront of my focus. This is typically a fairly rough time of year for him - all the holiday/family stuff reminds him about his messed up FOO & can trigger a lot of old damage. We also have a lot of events coming up - my sister's annual party this weekend & my birthday the week after - more potential triggers.
Definitely the best week we've had in a long, long time & I'm grateful for it no matter what happens!
Too early to predict anything obviously - but it's the longest stretch of changed behaviors & accountability that I've seen from him in a long time. I do know that he has started using meditation as a daily tool & I'm hearing a lot of positive talk that wasn't there before. (& he's been explaining that he's consciously working at seeing the positive over the negative by choice) He's been getting a lot of his household "to-do" list items started (it's extensive) and took the entire weekend off from work for the first time in longer than I can remember. It's the first year he's gone shopping to buy DD gifts specifically from him - usually he just defers to however I handle it & doesn't really get involved..... he's also usually one of those out trying to hustle to finish the little bit of shopping he has on Christmas Eve but this year claims to be almost completely finished already.
I do think he was pretty shocked when I still left him home Saturday night & went out with friends......
but hey! I made my plans a week earlier - no way I was changing it all at the last minute because he suddenly "woke up"..... at that point 2 decent days did not reverse months/years of ridiculousness. In fact, a WEEK into it & I still find myself with one eyebrow raised higher than the other. I'm not being negative or expecting the worst - just continuing to observe whether actions are lining up with words & continuing to keep my needs in the forefront of my focus. This is typically a fairly rough time of year for him - all the holiday/family stuff reminds him about his messed up FOO & can trigger a lot of old damage. We also have a lot of events coming up - my sister's annual party this weekend & my birthday the week after - more potential triggers.
Definitely the best week we've had in a long, long time & I'm grateful for it no matter what happens!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Well guys - I wish I had a Magic 8 Ball & could tell you what my future holds.... but in reality...
Getting things back on track in this relationship has brought lots more to the surface & everything is murky right now. This man is nothing short of a compulsive liar, and I am seriously in awe of how freaking good he is at it. So him outing himself on everything now, coming clean on big & little stuff - it's overwhelming & beyond impossible to believe he means a word of it. I mean, come on. How great for HIM that he's "ready" for "big changes" and "means it". (seriously heavy eyerolls here) Sure - HE feels unburdened, like "huge weights have been lifted off his chest".... nice for him, eh?
He moved into the garage a week ago for the time being - I'm NOT willing to stretch our finances any further at this point & as long as he is motivated to clean up the physical side of things - the finances, household repairs, etc - I want to squeeze every bit of help out of him while I can. He owes this family that much at the very least.
DD knows we are having huge problems but we haven't yet told her how he's moved into the garage. Unless she wrenches his closet open & sees the vast emptiness she may not find out on her own - but we all know that's not the way *I* do things, so we'll be having a conversation sometime soon.
At this point I'm in limbo folks - not trying to run ahead blindly or shoot myself in the foot but we've been living separate lives for a while now, just like I've been pointing out all this time. You all know I've looked into divorce & I am not on the winning side of that equation - hence my need to keep him motivated to pay down our debts, etc while I figure out my next steps. I've long-ago done what I could to protect myself with separate accounts, no new debts, etc.
Everything I've found out is stuff I've 100% flat-out accused him of, so there's a huge relief in knowing that I'm NOT crazy..... and in looking back over this time I have no regrets about the way I've handled stuff. Every decision I made to stay on my side of the street was made to stay sane & stay solid as a parent for DD. I knew that I could choose to spend my days tracking his phone, his location, etc - but in the end we'd still fight, and I'd have wasted all that time focusing on what I couldn't control or change. So I consciously decided to focus on what was important & worthwhile instead.... and it's paying off, she's amazing despite ALL of this.
But I'm so pissed at myself for being so freaking recovered. I can't even hold onto my anger for very long because it's such a waste & only hurts me. All of his BS is exactly that - self-hating, internally-driven BS. It has NOTHING to do with me even while I'm collateral damage to it. It sounds utterly ridiculous to say that even when I get to my darkest moments, they are fleeting because all I can see is how his brokenness has been his driving force for so, so long now. I've been out there living my life solo & while it's been sad at times (because I am not choosing to be alone) it's also been incredibly empowering.... I don't worry about whether I'll land on my feet no matter how this goes down, I know I will.
The ongoing lesson for me through this last year has been - Get More Comfortable in the In-Between. I have found that time & time again, this is one area where I do NOT function well. It's been a real surprise to discover something like that about myself.... I would not have guessed...... but it's obvious that I am far better at life when I know which direction it's moving in even if I know I can't control the conditions under which I travel or arrive. Just HAVING a direction is what I'm lacking right now & it's feels very, very icky at times.
And fwiw - to give you a better image of this new situation - we have a detached 3-bay, 2-story garage. He's able to set up a makeshift apartment in the upstairs portion & there is a separate room downstairs for his personal belongings to be stored while he sifts through all those pieces of his life. He has a full workshop in the garage & spends most of his at-home time there or out in the yard getting things cleaned & maintained anyway.... so it's not terribly out of our normal anyway. We're not as on-top of one another as most people would be in our situation & while it's not ideal, it's not intolerable just yet.... and legally, there's only so far I can push when he shares joint ownership.
Getting things back on track in this relationship has brought lots more to the surface & everything is murky right now. This man is nothing short of a compulsive liar, and I am seriously in awe of how freaking good he is at it. So him outing himself on everything now, coming clean on big & little stuff - it's overwhelming & beyond impossible to believe he means a word of it. I mean, come on. How great for HIM that he's "ready" for "big changes" and "means it". (seriously heavy eyerolls here) Sure - HE feels unburdened, like "huge weights have been lifted off his chest".... nice for him, eh?
He moved into the garage a week ago for the time being - I'm NOT willing to stretch our finances any further at this point & as long as he is motivated to clean up the physical side of things - the finances, household repairs, etc - I want to squeeze every bit of help out of him while I can. He owes this family that much at the very least.
DD knows we are having huge problems but we haven't yet told her how he's moved into the garage. Unless she wrenches his closet open & sees the vast emptiness she may not find out on her own - but we all know that's not the way *I* do things, so we'll be having a conversation sometime soon.
At this point I'm in limbo folks - not trying to run ahead blindly or shoot myself in the foot but we've been living separate lives for a while now, just like I've been pointing out all this time. You all know I've looked into divorce & I am not on the winning side of that equation - hence my need to keep him motivated to pay down our debts, etc while I figure out my next steps. I've long-ago done what I could to protect myself with separate accounts, no new debts, etc.
Everything I've found out is stuff I've 100% flat-out accused him of, so there's a huge relief in knowing that I'm NOT crazy..... and in looking back over this time I have no regrets about the way I've handled stuff. Every decision I made to stay on my side of the street was made to stay sane & stay solid as a parent for DD. I knew that I could choose to spend my days tracking his phone, his location, etc - but in the end we'd still fight, and I'd have wasted all that time focusing on what I couldn't control or change. So I consciously decided to focus on what was important & worthwhile instead.... and it's paying off, she's amazing despite ALL of this.
But I'm so pissed at myself for being so freaking recovered. I can't even hold onto my anger for very long because it's such a waste & only hurts me. All of his BS is exactly that - self-hating, internally-driven BS. It has NOTHING to do with me even while I'm collateral damage to it. It sounds utterly ridiculous to say that even when I get to my darkest moments, they are fleeting because all I can see is how his brokenness has been his driving force for so, so long now. I've been out there living my life solo & while it's been sad at times (because I am not choosing to be alone) it's also been incredibly empowering.... I don't worry about whether I'll land on my feet no matter how this goes down, I know I will.
The ongoing lesson for me through this last year has been - Get More Comfortable in the In-Between. I have found that time & time again, this is one area where I do NOT function well. It's been a real surprise to discover something like that about myself.... I would not have guessed...... but it's obvious that I am far better at life when I know which direction it's moving in even if I know I can't control the conditions under which I travel or arrive. Just HAVING a direction is what I'm lacking right now & it's feels very, very icky at times.
And fwiw - to give you a better image of this new situation - we have a detached 3-bay, 2-story garage. He's able to set up a makeshift apartment in the upstairs portion & there is a separate room downstairs for his personal belongings to be stored while he sifts through all those pieces of his life. He has a full workshop in the garage & spends most of his at-home time there or out in the yard getting things cleaned & maintained anyway.... so it's not terribly out of our normal anyway. We're not as on-top of one another as most people would be in our situation & while it's not ideal, it's not intolerable just yet.... and legally, there's only so far I can push when he shares joint ownership.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
FS...I think you are doing all you can, and that's a great thing. Collateral damage. It stinks.
I am a lot the same, as I think we share lots in common. I too have a hard time with the unknown. The moment by moment is OK, but not having a general idea is pretty terrible.
I can only say friend that I am here for you. It sounds like you have enough space to accomplish this for now, which is great.
Sending huge hugs to you and your DD! You are an amazing person and mom, you have this!
I am a lot the same, as I think we share lots in common. I too have a hard time with the unknown. The moment by moment is OK, but not having a general idea is pretty terrible.
I can only say friend that I am here for you. It sounds like you have enough space to accomplish this for now, which is great.
Sending huge hugs to you and your DD! You are an amazing person and mom, you have this!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm just in awe of how great you sound in a difficult situation!
And even though things that have come to light have been painful, there is a sense of relief in validation.
You a beaming light of recovery, and I always pull something profound from your posts and updates...and you are exactly correct.....no matter what comes you'll land on your feet!
And even though things that have come to light have been painful, there is a sense of relief in validation.
You a beaming light of recovery, and I always pull something profound from your posts and updates...and you are exactly correct.....no matter what comes you'll land on your feet!
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