Dealing with no contact from ex
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 27
Dealing with no contact from ex
ok...so newbie here...
met him at work and friendship developed into more.
perfect guy....in every way....I was made to feel loved and adored constantly....after six months in he started taking Fridays off then Mondays because he said he had migraines.
I researched migraines made sure he ate well and we exercised together and charted them - went with him to a headache clinic!
By month 7 he admitted he did cocaine - recreationally. I had no clue whatsoever what it looked like, what it did, it's effects, just what I barely saw on tv (so naïve). By month 8 he started disappearing for days and he said it was because he was embarrassed by it. His work started suffering.
Summer months came and with the clubs and drinking and associating more with other users he got worse and so did his treatment of me but always apologetic after and crying out for help to get better.
His closest friends ignored him but he always said I was there for him.
it would bother him when they cut him off and he would beg for their forgiveness. Whereas with me the one he said I was the only one he showed his true lovey dovey side with he was able to cut off a few times because he said not being able to have me stressed him out and triggered him to do drugs. so he had to cut me out. He lives with his mom and she pretty much said the same thing.
(I have two kids and wasn't moving in with a drug user!)
I still continued to be his cheerleader and be positive that he would beat this whenever he called. His treatment of me continued to get worse and his personality changed. He had alot of relationships...he would be with some girl and call me while they were getting busy and I still was there for him when he was himself again.
I started researching the drug and its effects going on chats like this.
Couple months ago he threatened to call our office to get me fired that I made it impossible to work here and then he said he would call my house and let my kids know their mother is a ****.
I read in one of these chats if its gets dangerous or threatening to go no contact so I tried it and we both ended up calling each other a week.
Once again he threatened me three weeks ago but this time he wants no contact and stuck by it - we are both completely blocked on all social media, phone etc. - he was so angry with me because he thought I was giving information to the office about him.
I guess I'm asking how others deal with no contact....it's hard not being reminded of him at the office (he's been off for 6 months now), and i miss the old him and when he's himself he's a super guy and I've read i can't wait for that and why would i want to for someone who treats me bad but is this the REAL him requesting no contact or addict him? And why was it so easy to cut me out when i was the one he said he loved the most and other than his mom the reason he didn't end it....
met him at work and friendship developed into more.
perfect guy....in every way....I was made to feel loved and adored constantly....after six months in he started taking Fridays off then Mondays because he said he had migraines.
I researched migraines made sure he ate well and we exercised together and charted them - went with him to a headache clinic!
By month 7 he admitted he did cocaine - recreationally. I had no clue whatsoever what it looked like, what it did, it's effects, just what I barely saw on tv (so naïve). By month 8 he started disappearing for days and he said it was because he was embarrassed by it. His work started suffering.
Summer months came and with the clubs and drinking and associating more with other users he got worse and so did his treatment of me but always apologetic after and crying out for help to get better.
His closest friends ignored him but he always said I was there for him.
it would bother him when they cut him off and he would beg for their forgiveness. Whereas with me the one he said I was the only one he showed his true lovey dovey side with he was able to cut off a few times because he said not being able to have me stressed him out and triggered him to do drugs. so he had to cut me out. He lives with his mom and she pretty much said the same thing.
(I have two kids and wasn't moving in with a drug user!)
I still continued to be his cheerleader and be positive that he would beat this whenever he called. His treatment of me continued to get worse and his personality changed. He had alot of relationships...he would be with some girl and call me while they were getting busy and I still was there for him when he was himself again.
I started researching the drug and its effects going on chats like this.
Couple months ago he threatened to call our office to get me fired that I made it impossible to work here and then he said he would call my house and let my kids know their mother is a ****.
I read in one of these chats if its gets dangerous or threatening to go no contact so I tried it and we both ended up calling each other a week.
Once again he threatened me three weeks ago but this time he wants no contact and stuck by it - we are both completely blocked on all social media, phone etc. - he was so angry with me because he thought I was giving information to the office about him.
I guess I'm asking how others deal with no contact....it's hard not being reminded of him at the office (he's been off for 6 months now), and i miss the old him and when he's himself he's a super guy and I've read i can't wait for that and why would i want to for someone who treats me bad but is this the REAL him requesting no contact or addict him? And why was it so easy to cut me out when i was the one he said he loved the most and other than his mom the reason he didn't end it....
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
First, my experience with addicts - when held up beside what you've shared - suggests you'd be best off remaining NO CONTACT and moving on with your life.
Next, it strikes me that within the narrative of what you've shared is some suggestion that you may benefit from looking into co-dependency and asking yourself whether anything you find there seems to align with your own experiences. There's a great book called "Co-Dependent No More" that might be worth a read.
Finally, whatever may or may not have been going on for him.... whatever he may or may not have valued you for.... whether or not it was easy for him to have no contact.... etc - none of that really matters. Nothing about HIM is a reflection of YOU. As I read through what you've shared what I'm compelled to say to you is this:
YOU ARE WORTHY
YOU ARE LOVABLE
YOU ARE VALUABLE
YOU ARE DESERVING
I encourage you to reflect a lot less on HIM and a lot more on what serves YOU in life. Explore your own interests. Explore friendship and learn to be OK with solitude - giving yourSELF love......
It sounds like this can be a time of great growth for you - but I doubt growth will come from dwelling on the actions or feelings of an addict ex.
Next, it strikes me that within the narrative of what you've shared is some suggestion that you may benefit from looking into co-dependency and asking yourself whether anything you find there seems to align with your own experiences. There's a great book called "Co-Dependent No More" that might be worth a read.
Finally, whatever may or may not have been going on for him.... whatever he may or may not have valued you for.... whether or not it was easy for him to have no contact.... etc - none of that really matters. Nothing about HIM is a reflection of YOU. As I read through what you've shared what I'm compelled to say to you is this:
YOU ARE WORTHY
YOU ARE LOVABLE
YOU ARE VALUABLE
YOU ARE DESERVING
I encourage you to reflect a lot less on HIM and a lot more on what serves YOU in life. Explore your own interests. Explore friendship and learn to be OK with solitude - giving yourSELF love......
It sounds like this can be a time of great growth for you - but I doubt growth will come from dwelling on the actions or feelings of an addict ex.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
I think it's probably best if you respect his request for no contact. His threats to call your office and call your children are completely unacceptable. No contact is the best thing.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
Sorry to say, you are seeing the real him. I know if hurts and it sucks, but that lovely dovey guy is an addict and you have dodged a bullet. Absolutely go no contact and stay that way. You were lucky to get away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
First, my experience with addicts - when held up beside what you've shared - suggests you'd be best off remaining NO CONTACT and moving on with your life.
Next, it strikes me that within the narrative of what you've shared is some suggestion that you may benefit from looking into co-dependency and asking yourself whether anything you find there seems to align with your own experiences. There's a great book called "Co-Dependent No More" that might be worth a read.
Finally, whatever may or may not have been going on for him.... whatever he may or may not have valued you for.... whether or not it was easy for him to have no contact.... etc - none of that really matters. Nothing about HIM is a reflection of YOU. As I read through what you've shared what I'm compelled to say to you is this:
YOU ARE WORTHY
YOU ARE LOVABLE
YOU ARE VALUABLE
YOU ARE DESERVING
I encourage you to reflect a lot less on HIM and a lot more on what serves YOU in life. Explore your own interests. Explore friendship and learn to be OK with solitude - giving yourSELF love......
It sounds like this can be a time of great growth for you - but I doubt growth will come from dwelling on the actions or feelings of an addict ex.
Next, it strikes me that within the narrative of what you've shared is some suggestion that you may benefit from looking into co-dependency and asking yourself whether anything you find there seems to align with your own experiences. There's a great book called "Co-Dependent No More" that might be worth a read.
Finally, whatever may or may not have been going on for him.... whatever he may or may not have valued you for.... whether or not it was easy for him to have no contact.... etc - none of that really matters. Nothing about HIM is a reflection of YOU. As I read through what you've shared what I'm compelled to say to you is this:
YOU ARE WORTHY
YOU ARE LOVABLE
YOU ARE VALUABLE
YOU ARE DESERVING
I encourage you to reflect a lot less on HIM and a lot more on what serves YOU in life. Explore your own interests. Explore friendship and learn to be OK with solitude - giving yourSELF love......
It sounds like this can be a time of great growth for you - but I doubt growth will come from dwelling on the actions or feelings of an addict ex.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
I've heard that's a good book. Also the description of codependency on Wikipedia seems pretty accurate. I think you should avoid this guy completely, even if he tries to resurface in your life later, talking about how he's changed. And be prepared for that. There are red flags EVERYWHERE in your post.
I think you should also read up on what an abusive relationship looks like. He sounds abusive to me.
Yes it hurts but you'll be happiest in the long run getting away from this guy.
I think you should also read up on what an abusive relationship looks like. He sounds abusive to me.
Yes it hurts but you'll be happiest in the long run getting away from this guy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by red3215
I've heard that's a good book. Also the description of codependency on Wikipedia seems pretty accurate. I think you should avoid this guy completely, even if he tries to resurface in your life later, talking about how he's changed. And be prepared for that. There are red flags EVERYWHERE in your post.
I think you should also read up on what an abusive relationship looks like. He sounds abusive to me.
Yes it hurts but you'll be happiest in the long run getting away from this guy.
I think you should also read up on what an abusive relationship looks like. He sounds abusive to me.
Yes it hurts but you'll be happiest in the long run getting away from this guy.
I fell for the guy that he was in the beginning and waited for him to come back as that guy.
From the sounds of what others say...they don't come back as their former self or it takes a long time and I've already invested far too much.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by CCMT
Thank you so much...you're right I probably should put the focus back on me and I will read that book...not sure what co-dependency is but hopefully it will give me more insight into figuring me out
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by CCMT
When I read my own post I sound like an idiot.
I fell for the guy that he was in the beginning and waited for him to come back as that guy.
From the sounds of what others say...they don't come back as their former self or it takes a long time and I've already invested far too much.
I fell for the guy that he was in the beginning and waited for him to come back as that guy.
From the sounds of what others say...they don't come back as their former self or it takes a long time and I've already invested far too much.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 27
Relapse right out of rehab
So in my last post I was no contact with ex.
He made contact with me to let me know he was going into rehab.
Obviously I was really happy for him and I allowed him to call me from there to tell how it was going.
The old him began to come out...positive and loving etc etc and couldn't WAIT to see me.
The day he was to be released his mom went to the hospital for some minor surgery and I went to see him that night.....he was agitated and worried and couldn't sit still...and I definitely didn't get any warmth or welcoming like he had said. I attributed it to his mother's condition. But within 24 hours...he was calling me a liar and wanting me to admit to things that weren't true and angry. When I asked if he slipped and if he did I was still his friend and there for him.. because he did not sound like the guy in rehab, he got angry and said it's people like me that make people slip because I'm not supportive.
I guess it's not unusual for individuals to slip right away....but do they go back to where or how they were just before rehab that soon?
I know I'm naïve....
We left it as we'll just take a break from talking to each other for a few days....
He made contact with me to let me know he was going into rehab.
Obviously I was really happy for him and I allowed him to call me from there to tell how it was going.
The old him began to come out...positive and loving etc etc and couldn't WAIT to see me.
The day he was to be released his mom went to the hospital for some minor surgery and I went to see him that night.....he was agitated and worried and couldn't sit still...and I definitely didn't get any warmth or welcoming like he had said. I attributed it to his mother's condition. But within 24 hours...he was calling me a liar and wanting me to admit to things that weren't true and angry. When I asked if he slipped and if he did I was still his friend and there for him.. because he did not sound like the guy in rehab, he got angry and said it's people like me that make people slip because I'm not supportive.
I guess it's not unusual for individuals to slip right away....but do they go back to where or how they were just before rehab that soon?
I know I'm naïve....
We left it as we'll just take a break from talking to each other for a few days....
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
The descent back into active addiction can be very swift yes.
I know you feel that this guy can obviously be very loving etc - but what if this guy continues to use - and continues to abuse threaten and intimidate you?
What if he never gives up using but gets worse and worse?
Is that the life you want for you and your kids?
That's an outcome you need to consider. I thought the no contact was a good outcome, myself.
D
I know you feel that this guy can obviously be very loving etc - but what if this guy continues to use - and continues to abuse threaten and intimidate you?
What if he never gives up using but gets worse and worse?
Is that the life you want for you and your kids?
That's an outcome you need to consider. I thought the no contact was a good outcome, myself.
D
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: United kingdom
Posts: 360
Sounds like he has used you enough and you need to ask yourself if you deserve better.
Reading your original post I cant imagine how you have out up with everything- I understand all too well how difficult it is to break from someone you wear rose tinted glasses for - i have been there - but no good will come of continuing him to use you and blame you for his own faults.
Please look after yourself and your children
Reading your original post I cant imagine how you have out up with everything- I understand all too well how difficult it is to break from someone you wear rose tinted glasses for - i have been there - but no good will come of continuing him to use you and blame you for his own faults.
Please look after yourself and your children
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hello,
You definitely deserve better, stick with the no contact. Focus on you, and making healthy decisions when it comes to relationships. Your children will look to you as a model for them when it comes to relationships. Show them that a loving relationship is built on love, trust, and respect.
You deserve more.
You definitely deserve better, stick with the no contact. Focus on you, and making healthy decisions when it comes to relationships. Your children will look to you as a model for them when it comes to relationships. Show them that a loving relationship is built on love, trust, and respect.
You deserve more.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by Dee74
The descent back into active addiction can be very swift yes.
I know you feel that this guy can obviously be very loving etc - but what if this guy continues to use - and continues to abuse threaten and intimidate you?
What if he never gives up using but gets worse and worse?
Is that the life you want for you and your kids?
That's an outcome you need to consider. I thought the no contact was a good outcome, myself.
D
I know you feel that this guy can obviously be very loving etc - but what if this guy continues to use - and continues to abuse threaten and intimidate you?
What if he never gives up using but gets worse and worse?
Is that the life you want for you and your kids?
That's an outcome you need to consider. I thought the no contact was a good outcome, myself.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by DontRemember
Don't bother telling him this; That's projection on his part. He's pushing you away to be able continue using more..Again..Think of your kids and yourself,dear. Why even bother,seriously?
I’m not contacting him but what if reaches out to me...how Can I say we can be friends one day only if he’s better without sounding mean? I do care and the last words given to him I want to be nice ones
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Chicago
Posts: 605
Originally Posted by CCMT
So just like that when they get home from rehab they “switch” back to the old ways? I’m talking within hours...?!
I defer to the female posters on what you should do, but from a male point of view I would stay away from him. At the very least he is unstable and unpredictable. It is impossible to predict what someone in this state will do.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by CCMT
You’re right
I’m not contacting him but what if reaches out to me...how Can I say we can be friends one day only if he’s better without sounding mean? I do care and the last words given to him I want to be nice ones
I’m not contacting him but what if reaches out to me...how Can I say we can be friends one day only if he’s better without sounding mean? I do care and the last words given to him I want to be nice ones
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 27
Can you ever get closure
I look back on these last two years and I wonder what if any of it was real.
I feel like I had two years of my life taken over what....so much crying worrying anger being wrapped up in this pwrson’s life and really I got nothing in return. I was so love deprived I was willing to take scraps from an Addict. I just don’t get why tell me how much you love me if you were lying about it the whole time. Did he just want to have me as the safety net? He said I was the most loving and affectionate person he’s ever met but why lie about your feelings when I was so real and sincere all along and so sensitive. I’m over with wanting the be with him, over being jealous of who he’s with, over being there and seeing how he’s doing but it’s the me part....I gave my all
Sorry I just had to do a quick vent
I feel like I had two years of my life taken over what....so much crying worrying anger being wrapped up in this pwrson’s life and really I got nothing in return. I was so love deprived I was willing to take scraps from an Addict. I just don’t get why tell me how much you love me if you were lying about it the whole time. Did he just want to have me as the safety net? He said I was the most loving and affectionate person he’s ever met but why lie about your feelings when I was so real and sincere all along and so sensitive. I’m over with wanting the be with him, over being jealous of who he’s with, over being there and seeing how he’s doing but it’s the me part....I gave my all
Sorry I just had to do a quick vent
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Never believe what people say, only what they DO!
Drop him and run!!! The last 2 years weren’t for nothing. They are the experiences that happened that made you the amazing wonderful person that you are today. Don’t put up with all this. He is not ready to get well. He blames you for relapsing or for triggering? That is a big lie. Do not be manipulated any longer and cut this person out of your life. He has brought you nothing positive and he will not bring anything positive to you Or your children.
Be excited about the rest of your life without the Suffering and the terrible baggage.
You and your kids deserve it!
Drop him and run!!! The last 2 years weren’t for nothing. They are the experiences that happened that made you the amazing wonderful person that you are today. Don’t put up with all this. He is not ready to get well. He blames you for relapsing or for triggering? That is a big lie. Do not be manipulated any longer and cut this person out of your life. He has brought you nothing positive and he will not bring anything positive to you Or your children.
Be excited about the rest of your life without the Suffering and the terrible baggage.
You and your kids deserve it!
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