The stupidest question ever =(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 53
The stupidest question ever =(
Umm, what do y'all do when your child is doing a deadly drug and you're told by the Crisis Hotline to NEVER let them in your home or ANY of his family's homes... If he doesn't help himself at 29 yrs of age, he's gonna be homeless! We will NOT let him in.
What do you do to control the stress? I'm having very, very heavy stress symptoms since I found out last Friday that my son is on Heroin. OMGosh, my neck is KILLING ME from being all hunched with stress, I'm having headaches, my chest is hurting (but it's probably imaginary), and I cannot stop crying!
How do you control it? I have to, or I'm going to drive my husband CRAZY! =( (been remarried for 'bout 9 years now) Lovely, fabulous man but I don't want to drive him away coz I'm always upset! Ya know?
Well, I'm sure ya do. Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me. I'm nervous all the time since I've learned of this. I just don't know what to do about "me." I don't wanna upset my hubby too much with my baggage. Actually, he has a son with issues too, but still, ya know?
I'm lost except talking to my Doctor and I ain't doin that. I've tried yoga in the past for *OTHER* issues that caused excessive stress and Doc 'll only give me drugs ... um no. I wish I had a "counselor" perhaps or something.
What do you do to control the stress? I'm having very, very heavy stress symptoms since I found out last Friday that my son is on Heroin. OMGosh, my neck is KILLING ME from being all hunched with stress, I'm having headaches, my chest is hurting (but it's probably imaginary), and I cannot stop crying!
How do you control it? I have to, or I'm going to drive my husband CRAZY! =( (been remarried for 'bout 9 years now) Lovely, fabulous man but I don't want to drive him away coz I'm always upset! Ya know?
Well, I'm sure ya do. Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me. I'm nervous all the time since I've learned of this. I just don't know what to do about "me." I don't wanna upset my hubby too much with my baggage. Actually, he has a son with issues too, but still, ya know?
I'm lost except talking to my Doctor and I ain't doin that. I've tried yoga in the past for *OTHER* issues that caused excessive stress and Doc 'll only give me drugs ... um no. I wish I had a "counselor" perhaps or something.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, sixth.
Welcome.
Not a stupid question at all.
Addiction is a heartbreaker.
I would think about getting some group support by going to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings.
There you will meet people just like you who are coping with addiction in their families.
Therapy can be helpful as well, if you find a good therapist who has experience with addiction.
You are not alone.
Welcome.
Not a stupid question at all.
Addiction is a heartbreaker.
I would think about getting some group support by going to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings.
There you will meet people just like you who are coping with addiction in their families.
Therapy can be helpful as well, if you find a good therapist who has experience with addiction.
You are not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 53
I've seen "Nar-Anon" a lot here but not sure what it was and I was so upset when I first posted and still am, ya know? ... Sorry I'm so ignorant. I suppose it means Narcotics. ???
I've never known as Heroin as a Narcotic, but I DO KNOW it is deadly with what they lace it with. I'm terrified to get the call!
Thank you Maud, I'm going to look it up. I mean, WOW.
Thank you for your help
I've never known as Heroin as a Narcotic, but I DO KNOW it is deadly with what they lace it with. I'm terrified to get the call!
Thank you Maud, I'm going to look it up. I mean, WOW.
Thank you for your help
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I second to go to NarAnon, there will be other people there in the same boat who can give you face to face support. I don't know your faith base but Celebrate Recovery is very similar with more of a faith base. It was key to my own recovery out of codependency.
I also get a lot of help from some of the meditation apps that are out there in helping me to calm down and refocus.
Keep posting, you are not alone. There is tons of support here at SR!
I also get a lot of help from some of the meditation apps that are out there in helping me to calm down and refocus.
Keep posting, you are not alone. There is tons of support here at SR!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Its a HUGE shock when you first learn of the drug Heroin. It terrified me for a long time, making my actions to "save" my son more extreme and emotional than logical. My son is 27, and currently sober. He has not lived at home for 3 years and through that, he has had good and bad runs with sobriety. It does get easier for YOU but support is essential. Going to meetings and reading here has been an amazing support for me these last 5 years. Please get that help as this addiction takes no prisoners.
Hugs,
TT
Hugs,
TT
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Nar-Anon and Al-Anon are 12 step programs for people who are troubled by a loved one’ s drug or alcohol abuse.
There are groups all over the country and the world.
In the Anon programs the focus is on the family of the addict.
They are terrific sources of support.
There are also online meetings about narcotics use, though I don’t know what they are called.
When a family member was struggling with heroin use, his mother found a lot of support and comfort through an online group.
There is, as I mentioned earlier, a lot of support here as well.
Good luck.
There are groups all over the country and the world.
In the Anon programs the focus is on the family of the addict.
They are terrific sources of support.
There are also online meetings about narcotics use, though I don’t know what they are called.
When a family member was struggling with heroin use, his mother found a lot of support and comfort through an online group.
There is, as I mentioned earlier, a lot of support here as well.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 53
Oh you guys are the greatest. Thank you all. I usually (being completely new to this nightmare ~ 6 days in) I usually do okay with housework and running errands and when I'm done, usually in the afternoon ish ~ I find myself wanting to cry.
I don't post much in others' threads because I'm still so ignorant, I can't help ANY BODY till I help myself. Y'all are helping me to realize that. And I am finding exactly what I need... Just sit back, read, realize and take command of my own feelings.
You're the best! <3
I don't post much in others' threads because I'm still so ignorant, I can't help ANY BODY till I help myself. Y'all are helping me to realize that. And I am finding exactly what I need... Just sit back, read, realize and take command of my own feelings.
You're the best! <3
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Originally Posted by sixth 
I'm lost except talking to my Doctor and I ain't doin that.
You need to take care of yourself first if you're going to help an addict to recover, to whatever extent is possible.
He will need to want to change for him before he will.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
This is a painful situation to be in. 29 is not a child. Your son made his choices. Keeping boundaries is going to protect you and possibly force your son to be responsible for his own healing. Please know that if he chooses not to get help, it is NOT your fault. You need to be safe first. Look into some Alanon or Naranon meetings. Keep posting here. Get support for yourself. Look after your health first. Talk to people. There are services that can help you. And please talk to your doctor because they might put you in touch with services (to help you, especially if you are getting depressed).
When your son decides he wants to change (if he does), he will reach out and you will be strong enough to help him (if he wants it). But get help for you (not him). All we can do is pray that every addict who isn't lost to their addiction is saved by the grace of God (or Allah, or Gaia, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or whomever if your higher power). Have faith. There is nothing worse than being a parent and seeing that they can do nothing for their child, but watch.
This is personal, but maybe you might use it. I don't have children, but when my AH was so deep in his addiction (alcohol, synthetic drugs), when he was in stage 4 and he literally was sick without his drugs, I used to go to where he was passed out and stroke his hair and think of how I could best help him die. I used to think, he's not going to stop drugging, he's going to kill himself on my watch, so I might as well make him comfortable. Then someone said to me, "are you crazy, you will have a body in the house, do you hear: a BODY!" I then realized that if I kept looking after AH, he would have no incentive to look after himself and he WOULD die. So I let him live the consequences of his choices and he hates me for it. His hatred of me, I hope, has kept him going. It means I will never see him again, but at least he's living the way he wants (or dying the way he wants to).
It's not fair for you to have to make these choices, but then fairness has nothing to do with addiction. Everything about it is really unfair. I'm sorry. You have to release his story to him.
When your son decides he wants to change (if he does), he will reach out and you will be strong enough to help him (if he wants it). But get help for you (not him). All we can do is pray that every addict who isn't lost to their addiction is saved by the grace of God (or Allah, or Gaia, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or whomever if your higher power). Have faith. There is nothing worse than being a parent and seeing that they can do nothing for their child, but watch.
This is personal, but maybe you might use it. I don't have children, but when my AH was so deep in his addiction (alcohol, synthetic drugs), when he was in stage 4 and he literally was sick without his drugs, I used to go to where he was passed out and stroke his hair and think of how I could best help him die. I used to think, he's not going to stop drugging, he's going to kill himself on my watch, so I might as well make him comfortable. Then someone said to me, "are you crazy, you will have a body in the house, do you hear: a BODY!" I then realized that if I kept looking after AH, he would have no incentive to look after himself and he WOULD die. So I let him live the consequences of his choices and he hates me for it. His hatred of me, I hope, has kept him going. It means I will never see him again, but at least he's living the way he wants (or dying the way he wants to).
It's not fair for you to have to make these choices, but then fairness has nothing to do with addiction. Everything about it is really unfair. I'm sorry. You have to release his story to him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 53
"the Flying Spaghetti Monster" LOL!
Oh my, it's afternoon (my crying time) Ophelia, I needed that! *wipes pc screen clean* Yeah, thanks a lot! (=
Ya know, Mindful and Ophelia you're so right. He's NOT a baby, but he's MY baby and I will have to process this. I will have to listen to y'all. I will have to listen to the Crisis Line Lady. She is saying the EXACT same thing guys... It's a tough love world and that's what will make or break!
Oh dear, if it weren't Cmas 'n Winter 'n all.
I know, I know... excuses from a broken hearted mom. =(
I'm trying. That's why I come here! You guys and your own stories ALWAYS build me up! *hugs* and Thank You.
Oh my, it's afternoon (my crying time) Ophelia, I needed that! *wipes pc screen clean* Yeah, thanks a lot! (=
Ya know, Mindful and Ophelia you're so right. He's NOT a baby, but he's MY baby and I will have to process this. I will have to listen to y'all. I will have to listen to the Crisis Line Lady. She is saying the EXACT same thing guys... It's a tough love world and that's what will make or break!
Oh dear, if it weren't Cmas 'n Winter 'n all.
I know, I know... excuses from a broken hearted mom. =(
I'm trying. That's why I come here! You guys and your own stories ALWAYS build me up! *hugs* and Thank You.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by sixth
Oh you guys are the greatest. Thank you all. I usually (being completely new to this nightmare ~ 6 days in) I usually do okay with housework and running errands and when I'm done, usually in the afternoon ish ~ I find myself wanting to cry.
I don't post much in others' threads because I'm still so ignorant, I can't help ANY BODY till I help myself. Y'all are helping me to realize that. And I am finding exactly what I need... Just sit back, read, realize and take command of my own feelings.
You're the best! <3
I don't post much in others' threads because I'm still so ignorant, I can't help ANY BODY till I help myself. Y'all are helping me to realize that. And I am finding exactly what I need... Just sit back, read, realize and take command of my own feelings.
You're the best! <3
It could be something as small as, 'wipe down kitchen worktop,' or something like, 'take out rubbish to the bin..' it doesn't matter. The fact you've set it as a task and done it will give you a sense of accomplishment and will spur you on to do more.
All the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 53
Sarah, it's so true. Actually I've had my own struggles as we ALL have... deaths of loved ones, other losses, divorce... it goes on and on for all of us. But Sarah, you are SO RIGHT! I heard this a while back and YOU JUST REMINDED ME OF IT! I completely forgot.
I write a list... Long, short, whatever it might be for me. For the day, for the week...
It sure does feel good to cross each one off ~ one at a time. (=
Thank you m'dear. You are very wise.
I write a list... Long, short, whatever it might be for me. For the day, for the week...
It sure does feel good to cross each one off ~ one at a time. (=
Thank you m'dear. You are very wise.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hugs to my Mommas out there and everywhere. Yes Sixth, he is YOUR baby and it is the hardest thing to do, but true love really does mean letting them go and giving them to God. It takes time and practice to detach so do NOT feel bad if you get emotional or worrisome. Just come back here and share how you are doing. We have all walked this path and many of us Mommas have been carried by stronger Mommas when we needed to be. Coming from someone who knows 
.
Hugs
TT
.Hugs
TT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 53
Well, I'm here again. =( I'm here because I just got an actual land-line phone call from my son. It was awkward. I asked how he was and if everything was going okay... I asked if he was working currently... etc...
Well, long pauses in between and he's not working, he needs a car since he crashed the one his uncle gave him to get back 'n forth to work, umm his UNCLE is the one who gives him a roof over his head too! But he's NOT an idiot and he WILL kick my son out AGAIN if anymore of this BS is going on. Anyway,
I was thinking he was trying to "hint" to me, like when he said, I guess I'll ask Dad if he has a car I can use... etc. NO WAY! I (me/ Mom) ain't getting you a car ~ this is almost retirement years for Hubby!!! I have to save every penny! I didn't SAY that, but that's what I'm thinking was going on in this awkward phone call. =(
I find myself wanting to txt him to see if all is well. I want to reassure him that he can contact me at anytime, etc...
THAT is my dilemna this afternoon. Now I truly wanna cry.
Well, long pauses in between and he's not working, he needs a car since he crashed the one his uncle gave him to get back 'n forth to work, umm his UNCLE is the one who gives him a roof over his head too! But he's NOT an idiot and he WILL kick my son out AGAIN if anymore of this BS is going on. Anyway,
I was thinking he was trying to "hint" to me, like when he said, I guess I'll ask Dad if he has a car I can use... etc. NO WAY! I (me/ Mom) ain't getting you a car ~ this is almost retirement years for Hubby!!! I have to save every penny! I didn't SAY that, but that's what I'm thinking was going on in this awkward phone call. =(
I find myself wanting to txt him to see if all is well. I want to reassure him that he can contact me at anytime, etc...
THAT is my dilemna this afternoon. Now I truly wanna cry.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Sixth, he is manipulating you and it is natural to want to "fix" things. I used to always jump in at the slightest hint of trouble, and the dance began with my son. It is pure codependency and I was blind to my part in my sons addictive ways. I allowed him to manipulate me. Just do NOTHING! That is an option and let your son feel some consequences. If he was going to go to work, then he most likely would continue to have ample funds to buy his drugs. Believe me, Heroin is not an easy one to shake. Keep posting and keep praying.
Hugs!
TT
Hugs!
TT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 53
let your son feel some consequences
I prolly AM a bad Mom, but I love them too much and I'm a sucker for kids ~ even though they're 29. Thank you TT ! I'm onto him and the only way t'go is Tough. I just wish I felt "better" ya know? Well, of course ya know! Oh man.
*hugs*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 53
Welcome to the Mutual Adoration Society!
ps... I love your signature. It's SO true.
I thank you all. I come here during "my crying time" and ya know what? I'm not crying so much anymore! I'm seeing the ones who are recovering, I'm seeing the ones struggling to even START to recover, I'm seeing those like me who have NO CLUE what to do.
I'm tellin ya you guys well,
ps... I love your signature. It's SO true.
I thank you all. I come here during "my crying time" and ya know what? I'm not crying so much anymore! I'm seeing the ones who are recovering, I'm seeing the ones struggling to even START to recover, I'm seeing those like me who have NO CLUE what to do.
I'm tellin ya you guys well,
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
