I don’t know what to do anymore
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1
I don’t know what to do anymore
I just need to vent to people who understand because I feel as though no one really understands in my day to day life.
So to preface, my mom has been drinking on and off since I was in kindergarten (my earliest memories). She ruined a lot of things for me in my childhood, and my dad wasn’t really there for me emotionally, but we lived (and still do currently) with our grandparents (my brothers and I).
She got a DUI back in 2009 that almost put her in jail for a really long time and ever since then she has been sober... until this past March. My brothers helped pay for a plane ticket for her and myself to go see one of her old best friends from high school she hadn’t seen in years. Come to find out she’s also an alcoholic and, like the domino effect, my mom relapsed there and lied about it for a month or so.
Ever since then, she’s been on and off drinking. She’s depressed on top of that and constantly lies about it, and I’m really growing to hate my mom. I hate what kind of person she is, how manipulative she is, and how I cannot depend on her fully and never have felt like I could. I had to grow up quickly, and now I’m 21 years old and am trying to start my life out and I feel as though I’m constantly worried about her instead. She’s going to AA and her church group, but clearly her AA isn’t helping anymore and she’s been to recovery like 7+ times. I’m beginning to lose all hope in ever being able to trust and love my mom like I did for 8 years, I feel like I’ve lost her. I’ve even told her how her drinking makes me feel and how I used to feel when I was younger, and she still goes back to drinking. I’m just lost and I don’t know what or how to feel anymore, and help/advice/anything would be really nice.
So to preface, my mom has been drinking on and off since I was in kindergarten (my earliest memories). She ruined a lot of things for me in my childhood, and my dad wasn’t really there for me emotionally, but we lived (and still do currently) with our grandparents (my brothers and I).
She got a DUI back in 2009 that almost put her in jail for a really long time and ever since then she has been sober... until this past March. My brothers helped pay for a plane ticket for her and myself to go see one of her old best friends from high school she hadn’t seen in years. Come to find out she’s also an alcoholic and, like the domino effect, my mom relapsed there and lied about it for a month or so.
Ever since then, she’s been on and off drinking. She’s depressed on top of that and constantly lies about it, and I’m really growing to hate my mom. I hate what kind of person she is, how manipulative she is, and how I cannot depend on her fully and never have felt like I could. I had to grow up quickly, and now I’m 21 years old and am trying to start my life out and I feel as though I’m constantly worried about her instead. She’s going to AA and her church group, but clearly her AA isn’t helping anymore and she’s been to recovery like 7+ times. I’m beginning to lose all hope in ever being able to trust and love my mom like I did for 8 years, I feel like I’ve lost her. I’ve even told her how her drinking makes me feel and how I used to feel when I was younger, and she still goes back to drinking. I’m just lost and I don’t know what or how to feel anymore, and help/advice/anything would be really nice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 9
The pain can be overwhelming and i noticed everyone here goes through it whether it be your husband, wife, sibilings or parent.
It's never easy.
Yesterday I read a posting about a mother deciding to cut contact with her alcoholic son for her well being. Hardest thing is cutting contact with anyone you love due to the pain. But there comes a time when we need to put ourselves and our health first.
Know that this community is here for you. Thank God we found it and we are able to feel less lonely with our thoughts and pain.
Peace and love.
It's never easy.
Yesterday I read a posting about a mother deciding to cut contact with her alcoholic son for her well being. Hardest thing is cutting contact with anyone you love due to the pain. But there comes a time when we need to put ourselves and our health first.
Know that this community is here for you. Thank God we found it and we are able to feel less lonely with our thoughts and pain.
Peace and love.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
I ended up spending most of my adult life rescuing and taking care of my alcoholic mom.
It depressed and upset me so much, I ruined a good career and ended up choosing
to drink myself to stop the pain.
If I were able to talk to my 21 year old self now, from the perspective of 53,
I'd say cut contact, and let her know you love her and would welcome her back
in your life only if she chooses recovery for herself, and only after at least two years of real sobriety.
If she relapsed, I'd cut contact again.
That's what I'd do now instead of rescue, enabling, and not respecting her choices to live her life her way.
I feel for you. That's how I grew up too.
It depressed and upset me so much, I ruined a good career and ended up choosing
to drink myself to stop the pain.
If I were able to talk to my 21 year old self now, from the perspective of 53,
I'd say cut contact, and let her know you love her and would welcome her back
in your life only if she chooses recovery for herself, and only after at least two years of real sobriety.
If she relapsed, I'd cut contact again.
That's what I'd do now instead of rescue, enabling, and not respecting her choices to live her life her way.
I feel for you. That's how I grew up too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,984
Welcome Alcat, I'm so glad you found us. This site has provided support for lots of folks in your situation.
As Hawkeye said, we usually suggest cutting contact however this can be pretty tough if you are living with her.
You might try an Alanon group or a meeting for Adult Children of Alcoholics. They will teach you how to detach and take care of yourself even if you still live with her.
Hugs to you!
As Hawkeye said, we usually suggest cutting contact however this can be pretty tough if you are living with her.
You might try an Alanon group or a meeting for Adult Children of Alcoholics. They will teach you how to detach and take care of yourself even if you still live with her.
Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Addiction is awful.
I agree, detach if possible. How much longer do you plan to live there? I would say that may be a big positive for you, get out from under the same roof. Maybe set up attainable goals and boundaries for yourself through all of this.
Huge hugs, you are not alone!
I agree, detach if possible. How much longer do you plan to live there? I would say that may be a big positive for you, get out from under the same roof. Maybe set up attainable goals and boundaries for yourself through all of this.
Huge hugs, you are not alone!
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