Struggling with break up
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 9
Struggling with break up
Hello, I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years. We have had up and many lows, due to his alcoholism. He swears he doesn't want to live this life but does nothing to stop it. He tried AA for a while but has stopped due to "feeling bad over being surrounded by other alcoholics who are older." he has tried therapy, taking medication but still drinks.
We have gone through many accidents including him getting arrested for a DUI, 2 ER stays, multiple abuse verbal arguments and cheating.
His drinking has gotten worse over the last year. Last year my grandma passed away and I needed him to be there for me, instead he got wasted for days. I felt so devastated and heart broken that I cheated on him. Today I feel so much guilt over it and have apologized prefusely. After that it has only gone down hill. And I can't help but partly blame myself for his further down fall. I am also guilty of belittling him for the emotional abuse he has put me through. Something I regret.
An incident in October sent me flying home to my sister in another state. I believed we only needed time but as I am here, more things have kept occurring including cheating on his behalf.
Today that we talk, he claims he loves me but doesn't love himself enough to go to treatment. He claims he is not strong enough to fight
I feel lost and confused. I told myself that if he would agree to treatment, I would help him but if not, I would leave. I somehow believed that he would leave me because when he is drunk he tells me leave him alone but then the next days he is so sorry. This has happened more times then I can count. Now I am having a hard time making the final decision. What if I am making a mistake? Is there a chance that he can get better? What if I am not doing enough, like talking to his family? Some days I feel strong enough to leave and some days I am trapped by my guilt and love for him.
We have gone through many accidents including him getting arrested for a DUI, 2 ER stays, multiple abuse verbal arguments and cheating.
His drinking has gotten worse over the last year. Last year my grandma passed away and I needed him to be there for me, instead he got wasted for days. I felt so devastated and heart broken that I cheated on him. Today I feel so much guilt over it and have apologized prefusely. After that it has only gone down hill. And I can't help but partly blame myself for his further down fall. I am also guilty of belittling him for the emotional abuse he has put me through. Something I regret.
An incident in October sent me flying home to my sister in another state. I believed we only needed time but as I am here, more things have kept occurring including cheating on his behalf.
Today that we talk, he claims he loves me but doesn't love himself enough to go to treatment. He claims he is not strong enough to fight
I feel lost and confused. I told myself that if he would agree to treatment, I would help him but if not, I would leave. I somehow believed that he would leave me because when he is drunk he tells me leave him alone but then the next days he is so sorry. This has happened more times then I can count. Now I am having a hard time making the final decision. What if I am making a mistake? Is there a chance that he can get better? What if I am not doing enough, like talking to his family? Some days I feel strong enough to leave and some days I am trapped by my guilt and love for him.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 89
Welcome!
The booze is what’s controlling his life. That is his priority. Not you. It’s tough to hear, trust me, I know. Most of us do.
You are not at fault. If he never drank, would you have cheated? I’m guessing “no”. You’re looking for something he can’t/won’t provide.
If you don’t have a therapist already, find one.
Read everything you can on addiction and how addicts use manipulation to keep the status quo.
Don’t feel bad for stepping away. Don’t let him control your life.
The booze is what’s controlling his life. That is his priority. Not you. It’s tough to hear, trust me, I know. Most of us do.
You are not at fault. If he never drank, would you have cheated? I’m guessing “no”. You’re looking for something he can’t/won’t provide.
If you don’t have a therapist already, find one.
Read everything you can on addiction and how addicts use manipulation to keep the status quo.
Don’t feel bad for stepping away. Don’t let him control your life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Things will only progress with the drinking, unfortunately.
He continues to cheat, won't seek real help for the drinking.
He isn't emotionally reliable when you need him.
I think if you look inside yourself, you've already answered you own question.
You only get one life--do you want to spend it on someone doing the above?
He continues to cheat, won't seek real help for the drinking.
He isn't emotionally reliable when you need him.
I think if you look inside yourself, you've already answered you own question.
You only get one life--do you want to spend it on someone doing the above?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Challenger2013 
Welcome!
The booze is what’s controlling his life. That is his priority. Not you. It’s tough to hear, trust me, I know. Most of us do.
You are not at fault. If he never drank, would you have cheated? I’m guessing “no”. You’re looking for something he can’t/won’t provide.
If you don’t have a therapist already, find one.
Read everything you can on addiction and how addicts use manipulation to keep the status quo.
Don’t feel bad for stepping away. Don’t let him control your life.
The booze is what’s controlling his life. That is his priority. Not you. It’s tough to hear, trust me, I know. Most of us do.
You are not at fault. If he never drank, would you have cheated? I’m guessing “no”. You’re looking for something he can’t/won’t provide.
If you don’t have a therapist already, find one.
Read everything you can on addiction and how addicts use manipulation to keep the status quo.
Don’t feel bad for stepping away. Don’t let him control your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Things will only progress with the drinking, unfortunately.
He continues to cheat, won't seek real help for the drinking.
He isn't emotionally reliable when you need him.
I think if you look inside yourself, you've already answered you own question.
You only get one life--do you want to spend it on someone doing the above?
He continues to cheat, won't seek real help for the drinking.
He isn't emotionally reliable when you need him.
I think if you look inside yourself, you've already answered you own question.
You only get one life--do you want to spend it on someone doing the above?
I am still trying to find courage to make the final move and cut him off completly. Maybe it's cause we are still in contact and that doesn't help at all
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I told myself that if he would agree to treatment, I would help him but if not, I would leave.
doesn't love himself enough to go to treatment. He claims he is not strong enough to fight
I feel lost and confused.
confused = magical thinking.
No contact = no new hurts
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
MariJo - I am SO sorry about your situation. You are not alone, I find myself reminded of my own based on what you've written.
A couple sentences you wrote jumped out at me:
Finally accepting that my STBXAH didn't love himself and his continued self-sabotage was hurting me and going to hurt our son was extremely hard but also what I needed to accept to leave. It's excruciating to watch someone continue to fall deeper into their own self loathing drowning in alcohol, especially when you love them.
I tried so hard to "will" him to be better to himself, to love himself, I thought I could love him for the both of us but for me, it didn't work. And he started to pull me under too...
Talking to his family isn't going to make him love himself either. In my experience, my STBXAH's family didn't DO anything. In fact, in days before he left for 30 day in patient rehab, they showed up at my house WITH alcohol. Drank with him every day they were in town and said a cheers to him the night before they left.
What you will learn, as I am still learning too, is that YOU are powerless here. You can't DO anything to make him better, make him see the light, or make him love himself. It is the HARDEST lesson of my life, not to mention the most expensive and emotionally traumatic as I've been over 14 months trying to legally untangle myself from this person who continues to decline further and further.
He's telling you he doesn't love himself and that makes it really hard for him to EVER love you the way you want and deserve (ex. When your grandma passed).
He's telling you he won't stop drinking which means he will only continue to decline.
Please continue to read here and post here and BE GOOD TO YOU!
If there is a little voice in your belly telling you to leave, please listen. It is the co-dependence that is telling you to stay....or perhaps fear ? Maybe both?
Wishing you all the best! Sending support and compassion.
A couple sentences you wrote jumped out at me:
Originally Posted by MariJo
Today that we talk, he claims he loves me but doesn't love himself enough to go to treatment.
What if I am not doing enough, like talking to his family? Some days I feel strong enough to leave and some days I am trapped by my guilt and love for him.
What if I am not doing enough, like talking to his family? Some days I feel strong enough to leave and some days I am trapped by my guilt and love for him.
I tried so hard to "will" him to be better to himself, to love himself, I thought I could love him for the both of us but for me, it didn't work. And he started to pull me under too...
Talking to his family isn't going to make him love himself either. In my experience, my STBXAH's family didn't DO anything. In fact, in days before he left for 30 day in patient rehab, they showed up at my house WITH alcohol. Drank with him every day they were in town and said a cheers to him the night before they left.
What you will learn, as I am still learning too, is that YOU are powerless here. You can't DO anything to make him better, make him see the light, or make him love himself. It is the HARDEST lesson of my life, not to mention the most expensive and emotionally traumatic as I've been over 14 months trying to legally untangle myself from this person who continues to decline further and further.
He's telling you he doesn't love himself and that makes it really hard for him to EVER love you the way you want and deserve (ex. When your grandma passed).
He's telling you he won't stop drinking which means he will only continue to decline.
Please continue to read here and post here and BE GOOD TO YOU!
If there is a little voice in your belly telling you to leave, please listen. It is the co-dependence that is telling you to stay....or perhaps fear ? Maybe both?
Wishing you all the best! Sending support and compassion.
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