Soulful

So tomorrow I am not returning to my home for two weeks. I have been debating whether or not he should see his son before he goes back to Toronto.
In one way, I don't want to keep him away from his dad, and restrict his access.

In another way, my son has been constantly asking for his father's whereabouts and it's very exhausting to keep explaining to him that daddy is walking again, daddy is not home, I don't know where daddy is. I have noticed my son's behaviour changing and becoming a little anxious and confused and I feel that maybe once we are out, I can calmly make my son comfortable and used to the "new life". Plus, I am nervous that my AH will tell him nonsense that my son doesn't deserve to hear.

He has constantly been verbally abusive in front of him, calling me names and also telling him things like "your mom is always mad at me, your mom is bipolar, etc etc". I am not sure how he will react once we are out, since he is very reactive and abusive when things don't go his way.

I really need your feedback and help with this. I don't plan to keep them apart, I am willing to cooperate and make sure he has access to his son, but right now, things are volatile and raw.

I appreciate your help.

Challenger2013

Not knowing how old your son is, I’m guessing under 10.
I would look into a child therapist that could see you both. He/she could possibly help explain it appropriate to your son’s age. Then your son could speak to the therapist alone.

My soon to be XAW and I plan on telling our son after the holidays, then taking him to a therapist who can help him sort things out. I don’t plan on moving out until after that, but AW has been very cooperative once she accepted the fact I was divorcing her. And she’s gone a whole 4 days without a drink! >insert sarcastic voice<

Soulful

He is 5. My AH doesn't want a divorce and he is definitely not going to be the one telling my son anything constructive.
I am definitely going to find a therapist for him once this madness is over, I just need to figure out for the next two weeks.

Mango blast

Prayer and honesty. There are several kids books available from Amazon that help with explaining alcoholism/addiction to young children.

One that might be helpful for you:

Understanding Addiction and Recovery Through a Child's Eyes: Hope, Help, and Healing for Families

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B001B0AZOO/

Soulful

Thank you, this is a fantastic book, I just bought it now.

AnvilheadII

what is the best and safest choice for your child?

BAW81

Soulful - Given what you've written in this post and others, I do not think it is the right time for you to be coordinating visits between your son and his dad. If it's gotten so bad you need to leave the house, that means it's gotten so bad that you need to protect your son. ESPECIALLY if he is verbally abusive towards you which is emotional abuse for your son to witness/experience.

What if you tell him that his dad is sick (which is actually true) and everyone needs some space for a bit?

I imagine your AH will lash out at you leaving, perhaps even be extremely volatile. No child should experience or witness that because it can't be unseen or unlived.

Protect your son. Your son might be confused, angry, sad, upset but you know why you're doing what you're doing.

Sending you support!

PS I would definitely contact a lawyer. Just to make sure your AH can't turn this around on you....If it is volatile, you should consider a restraining order.

Soulful

To move out and avoid ALL contact with my AH until he goes Toronto. I really strongly believe this, from the bottom of my heart.

When he is in Toronto and he is served the divorce papers, I am sure he will contact a lawyer and we can sit down and work on the details and logistics of the divorce, but right now, I need to remove myself and my son from a toxic situation ASAP.

Soulful

I am not sure why he would do that, he doesn't want to raise his son, definitely doesn't want custody.

CentralOhioDad

He could say you kidnapped your son without his knowledge.. Just to make it h*ll on you.

BAW81

He would do it just to get back at you...

Soulful

He does not want to involve the authorities, he has drugs in the home. He will not do that.
For the safety and peace of my son, it is in his best interest that we remove ourselves from the home until he leaves. He will be notified via email of my intentions.

Soulful

I am doing things with the right intention and I know God's grace will help me no matter what.

Carol Star

Boundaries are for us; for our serenity,safety,and security....... What boundaries do you need to set ? If you(ah) put me down, drink in front of our child, raise your voice 1.2.3. will happen. Only pick boundaries you know you can stick with.

Soulful

I have expressed that if he does cocaine and cheats on me, the marriage is over. Reason why he is denying these two. I have set this boundary for ME, not him. I know these two will hurt me, which they have.

I have expressed that if he verbally abuses me especially in front of our child, the marriage is over. This was also a boundary for myself and for my son.

I have also expressed that if he puts our son in danger in any way, I will have to remove access from seeing his son. Driving his son drunk, traumatizing him with being passed out cold, yelling at me and being absent is unacceptable to me. Being a part-time father and only seeing him whenever he has sober moment is also unacceptable to me to continue being married to him. My son deserves better.

I am not trying to punish him, I am trying to stand by my boundaries that I have clearly expressed when I decided to take him back. I have to stand by my boundaries.

hopeful4

Good for you. I hope to goodness you are correct, that he does not want custody. That would make your life much easier.

Sending you and your son many hugs!

OpheliaKatz

I don't really have any advice but I will chime in and say my ex used to call people "bi-polar" if they didn't like his drug habit. I really hope he won't ask for custody. I don't know much about raising children, but I think they should know the truth, because if they don't find out sooner or later, someone might lie to them. Also, consider that your husband might turn out to be vindictive. You might see a side to him that you've not seen before. You're breaking up his family, which he has held on to for reasons that he thinks are important to him -- perhaps this is his "front" (the face he wants the world to see). My ex was incredibly vindictive when we broke up. He went to great lengths to make my life miserable. He put so much effort into it, I was surprised, because I didn't think he was capable of putting effort into anything.

Soulful

That was his favourite "compliment" to give me in front of our son. Between bi-polar and *****. And he always said: "no, I want to tell our son, so his mom can hear it and she can think about finally seeing a doctor and take her meds".

atalose

If it were me I’d take pictures of those drugs. Keep them filed away some place safe to possible be used some where down the road.

OpheliaKatz

So... apart from the fact that I don't have kids with my ex (thankfully), this tone he took with you, and the way he spoke about you to others, is exactly the way my ex sounded. Really disrespectful. Really hateful. No one says things like this to people they love. I'm glad you're getting out of there with your son, he doesn't need this kind of role model lest he turn out to have problems himself!

Advice about taking photos of the drugs is really useful. I forgot to do this. So I didn't. I regret it.