Autanic

Hi Everyone,

I had my first AA meeting last night and although I did not have to speak, I did. Well I spoke, cried and told my sorry tale of battling everyday and losing.

I think its pretty accurate to say this. I am on my final chance to be a part of my Son's life. My Wife is letting me stay in the spare room for now.

I will be doing the 90 meetings in 90 days. Off to my second meeting tonight.

The fact is I cannot blow it this time, if I do then I doubt you will hear from me again, but feel free to leave flowers on my headstone.

Its that serious, this is a fight for life and death.

I have done it, I have screwed things up proper this time and only by committing fully and embracing AA and SR am I going to have the strength to go from day to day, one step at a time drink free.

If only I quit for good when I first joined this forum way back two years ago, my life would have been so much better.

We are, where we are and no point dwelling on that. I am back and for good.

I havent had a drink since 4am yesterday morning, so 36 hours in.

Next meeting in 4 hours. Best of luck everyone

Bunny211

Good for you! Keep going. Early on I went to 3 meetings a day when the urge to drink was strong. Get some phone numbers and some sober contacts. I'm proud of you!

FreeOwl

hi. I'm glad you shared at AA and here.

I came close to losing my children because of alcohol. I can relate.

As I began to shift from "I HAVE TO DO THIS"..... "I CAN'T DRINK"..... "I'VE GOT TO DO IT THIS TIME..." - into a space of positive intention, it made a huge difference.

"I WANT sobriety"

"I WANT to be present and reliable for my children"

"I WANT a joyful, rich life free of addiction"

"I WANT a community of healthy, sober connections"

"I WANT this life of goodness and gratitude"

The more I spent focusing my time and attention on what I DID want - the less time I had to fear or be overtaken by what I DIDN'T want.

You can do this.

Berrybean

Hi Autanic. Sorry to hear your rock bottom got so uncomfortable, but there you go. We're a stubborn bunch and sometimes that's just what it takes for us to do what we need to do rather than sticking with what we want to do.

I'm so pleased you got yourself to a meeting and are getting some support. Hopefully as you listen and observe what goes on you'll notice some people with the kind of sobriety you'd like for yourself one day. Stick with those people and take their suggestions and act on them. A lot of recovery in AA is monkey see, monkey do. But a lot of the doing happens outside meetings - hence the step work and sponsorship. Sometimes it can seem a bit mysterious re how to get a sponsor and what happens. There's a really good leaflet that you can read about it though, which I'd recommend getting hold of (available online and at meetings with literature). But it's worth getting one, and asking any question that fits through your head, like, "what do you mean by work it?" (Catchphrases and cliches are all very well, but we can often forget that the average newcomer has no idea what they really mean).

Oh, and if you need an AA hit between meeting, the recovery speaker recordings are really handy...https://www.recoveryaudio.org


BB

Autanic

Thank you for that. I am not in place yet, but I hope to be.
I feel like everyone is watching me and waiting for me to fail, I am so fortunate to be given this final chance. I know things with my Wife are over as far as marriage is concerned. Burnt way to many chances there, but she letting me be a Father and so I have that to hang on to.
I have a reason to get up, keep breathing, keep working and keeping sober.

FreeOwl

I wasn't in that place, either at first...... I had to keep on saying those things to myself, forcing it, faking it, taking the steps and the actions that were consistent with that... ignoring the nagging, burning desires for continued addiction...

eventually though, I woke up to find I was truly THERE.

It's not easy, doesn't happen all at once, but it starts with every RIGHT NOW and every choice and thought and action.

ChloeRose63

Glad you are serious about your sobriety. Just think of how much of an influence you have on your family and be a great role model for your son. You have to break the chain!

tomsteve

good on ya for making the decision to get into action!
what im reading is surrender- awesome! reads crazy,eh- surrender?? how to i stop drinking if i surrender???
thats just admitting alcohol has ya whipped and are ready to learn- ready to get into action.

i strongly suggest at your next meeting enquiring about getting a copy of the big book. also would be wise to get some phone numbers of other members- they come in extremely handy when the mental obsession to drink is very strong- a phone call to another alkie has kept many,many people from picking up that next drink.
amazing thing about that 2,543,983 lb phone,too:
its lighter than a bottle and much better solutions.

tomsteve

i can relate to that somewhat. i was a couple weeks sober and went to visit my sister and her family. they were well aware of my drinking history and drunken action history.
sittin at their kitchen table, i mentioned i had stopped drinking and was getting help. my brother in law got up and walked away while my sister just roller her eyes. i understood completely- they had heard it before and for quite some time were either waiting for a drunken phone call or me showin up and getting drunk. i dont think they were waiting for me to fail. i highly doubt they truly wanted that. i think it was more they didnt have faith i would remian sober, which would come from my past. completely understandable for me.
i kept up with the actions,though- kept going to meetings,working the program, and learning how to live life on lifes terms.
a few years later, my niece bought a new to her home. she called me and asked if i could come down and refinish the wood floors before moving in.
after a few days of work, we were having a family bar b que in her new backyard. somehow talk of my drunken antics came up. we were actually all laughing about them and i was sharing a couple they didnt know about. i was sharing and laughing about my past drunken antics!!
my neice asked me,"uncle tom, how long have you been sober now?"
"oh, ifs been a few years now."
"im really glad you got sober because i didnt like my uncle back then and now i like him and am glad hes around."

theres 2 things the program did for me: made it possible to look at my past without guilt and shame( because i learned about me from it AND because i can see how nutso bonkers insane i was) and gave me my family back; they trust me now and actually want me around.

asixstringnut

Autanic
Thanks for your share. Nothing has brought me so much pain and despair as alcohol. I quit 23 years ago for a year. Damn I wish I never started again but I did.
I have wasted those 23 years and never reaching a year sober again. I have 23 days and I feel like I am just hanging on with my finger nails.
I am glad you are here and I hope you can find some peace in being sober.

asixstringnut

Autanic

2 meetings under my belt. No booze now for 2 days nearly.
I think the thing I will take away from todays meeting is that just when you have quit and start getting back on track, you convince yourself that its for you to drink and set yourself back again.

Horn95

Yep. That has been my problem.

Jek1126

Welcome and congrats on taking the first steps toward recovery. I am also a parent and every time I doubt whether I can stay sober and not drink at all, I force myself to picture my childrens beautiful little faces and it kind of snaps me back into place. You CAN do this! And not just for your child, but you deserve to have a better life for YOU too. Prayers coming your way 🙏🏼

IsadoraBailey

Congratulations! You sound as if you can make it this time. Proud of you!

Hevyn

We're with you, Autanic. You're never alone. Getting free of it will be a wonderful feeling.

PinnacleOR

Going to my second meeting this go around in 30 minutes. I’m actually looking forward to it! That’s a big mental shift for me from past attempts at AA. Got a 30 day chip last night, Day 31 today and enjoying a healthy tofu salad for dinner...

SportsFan15

This is such a switch in thinking and a great help for anxiety. What we focus on GROWS.

Dee74

good for you autanic

D