piotrAU

Hi all

I've posted here before a couple years back.. that was around year 5 mark of stumbling drunk every night.. 750ml whiskey weeknights then many weekends i would just start around brunch on sunday..

Plan was to taper down..

Managed to get to 2-3 strong beers a night.. for a month max..

So its 2 plus years later..

Oh dear i didnt think it could get worse but..

[just re perspective re intake- yes i know there are many factors but,?... 33 yr old, male, 190cm, 125kg]

On 6mg klonipin / day.. some days up to 12mg if im coming off bender..
15-30mg dexamphetamine on weekdays when i have to work, to push through the fog..
150mg Lyirca on really bad mornings, lyrica 150mg every night before bed
15 standards minimum on weeknights
Weekends? I dont know its hard to remember..

Then the odd stupid stupid night.. e.g. this past monday night i had 750 ml vodka, 1 bottle wine and 3 strong beers.. in maybe 4 hours..almost threw up in court next day ( i work as a lawyer)

Just lost my drivers lisence; car impounded by Police..

Im now becoming seriously, scared..

that after 8 yrs daily drinking from 15 - 50 standard drinks per day i dont know how to not drink.. i dont think i have the strength to not drink

That my liver or heart will fail soon..

That if i keep doing this i'll lose everything (e.g. have started drinking in my office for an hour or so before leaving ..) i'll lose my job and house..

And re health.. im sure many of you know the feeling.. completely drained, exhausted, negligible focus, depression-like symptoms..my mind and body must be completely washed out.. almost 100% alcoholic neuropathy.. gastritis.. "lower back pain"..

I've tried psych.. been with one for 9 months.. anti-D's make me sick(er)

Im at a loss.. im just gonna keep drinking..

Im starting Antabuse this Xmas break.. taper down fir only handful of days then a close family member will be coming to see me every morning to watch me take the antabuse.. if i have any withdrawal issues lyrica and clonazapam dose increases..

Psych is fine with the above..

I wish i could stop consciously, with discipline as opposed from "forcing" myself not to drink thanks to Antabuse.. but i cant..

I hope if i break this cycle by force so to speak a glimpse of sobriety and not feeling like death will be something a will latch onto to steer me right..

Thanks for caring, appreciate it

Forward12

Why?

piotrAU

I meant to write:-

"Im at loss ; im scared i'll just keep drinking"

Or you mean why do i drink?

Stronger2017

Hello Piotr. I’m really sorry to hear how things have gotten for you. There’s a lot of support on SR. I regularly post on a few different threads I like and it really helps me to stay sober. Why don’t you try something like that?

Meraviglioso

Hi to you piotrAU, I could really feel the pain and desperation in your post. I know all too well what it feels like to look around and see things going downhill and going downhill at alarming speeds. I was steady drinking for many years, at very high levels, but at some point things got suddenly worse- a combination of upping my intake while at the same time my tolerance going down, my body just couldn't take any more.

There is absolutely no shame in taking antabuse to stop drinking, none at all. It is a great tool that has helped many people. I will only warn you that it will not keep you sober forever. It is a crutch and you have to start putting a solid recovery plan in place in order to succeed- both off and ON the medicine.

I also know the feeling of being exhausted by and annoyed by the idea of making and carrying out a plan. You think "I am just going to stop, making this list of plan stuff is a waste of my time" I often felt so silly and as if I was just going through the motions of my plan to just check things off the list. But I work my plan every day annoyance or not, going through the motions or not, it is non-negotiable for me. If you told me to chop my own face off and I'd have better luck staying sober, I'd do it. So why not try something as simple as making and carrying out a solid plan that so many other successfully sober people bang on about? Again, antabuse alone is not going to be what keeps you happily and successfully sober.


That said, on the medication, why not also ask your doctor about something to help with cravings on top of the antabuse? Either Campral or Naltrexone can help minimise both the strength and frequency of cravings. Antabuse does nothing for your cravings- you still crave it as much as before, it is just you cannot act on it without getting very ill- or dying. I found Campral + Antabuse to be a very effective way to start on this path.

In any case, I really feel your pain, so much so, and I do hope that soon you will find a way out of this mess. There is a way out and I believe you can do it.

MindfulMan

That is a lot of alcohol on a daily basis and a pretty stiff dose of Klonopin on top of that.

Tapering in an outpatient situation rarely works, particularly from the amount of daily drinking you’ve been doing for quite some time.

If you go on Antabuse without being completely sober, you run a risk of having serious withdrawal and being unable to dose yourself out of a potentially life threatening situation.

Of course follow your doctors advice. Have you been completely honest about the duration and frequency of your drinking and drugging? Do they have experience in treating addiction? Do you realize that nearly all psych meds will not work properly, if at all, with your extremely heavy drinking? Are you going to self medicate with Klonopin after doing a self taper?

Why not investigate inpatient medical detox over Christmas break instead of trying all of this yourself?

Dee74

Welcome back Piotr

I think as long as you can string coherent thoughts together and access the internet you still have the power to do something about your drinking and the choices you make.

Your inner addict, AV, addiction monster - call it what you will - loves to convince you the situation is hopeless and you have no free will, but thats just not true.

The mere fact you posted here shows that.

It might take a lot of energy, effort and commitment, maybe even some short term discomfort...but you can absolutely get back to living a life in recovery.

It all starts with a day one.

Hows about it?

D

theVman31

Hi Piotr.
I hope you get some help and make this Day 1.
There is no magic wand or miracle solution.
It all starts with a day 1.

Berrybean

It's not so much about will-POWER as will-INGNESS. And acceptance that alcohol is not the answer or solution to anything that it promises to be. Acceptance that we don't drink because our lives are unmanageable, but that our lives are unmanageable because of the drinking.

I could not have sustained sobriety without recovery. Recovery is all about learning new and different ways to deal with life on lifes terrms; learning how to not drink despite that addictive voice in our heads. That AV is a liar and a cheat, and as you no doubt know well from your profession - it is pointless trying to have a rational conversation with someone who just persists in their lies, shamelessly declaring black to be white and vice versa. But those AVs of ours really are shameless. And we start to believe that BS that it plants in our head unless we really commit to recovery. IMHO taking Antabuse is no replacement for recovery. You may need to get willing to try some solutions that up til now you have refused to consider if you really want to change. Because nothing changes if nothing changes, and only we ourselves can be the catalyst for the change that is needed.

Do you think you could consider a recovery plan?

BB

hpdw

Hi there , your post made painful reading ,i'm sorry you are in this position but it CAN be resolved . There is sound advice above which I would read a few times .
I don't want to repeat what Mera says about antabuse but not to scare you I had a good friend who used it as his ONLY means of recovery and all he done was stopped taking it and drank 4 or 5 days later ,never stopped drinking for months until one night he was found dead hanging from a rope . In his mind he could not live with alcohol or without it .

You are on here reaching out as you know this level of abuse cant go on as it WILL only get worse .
There is support here ,in AA and in rehab and other places where you can work through making a plan to get your life back .
Please take time to think this over , you deserve it .

Best wishes and let us know how you get on by posting often .

Jek1126

Hi. I’m very new to recovery myself so I don’t have any great advice to give, but I read what others have said and they had some amazing advice and insight. All I can say is I wish you the best of luck and health and will say a prayer for your recovery. We can all be support for one another on here. I hope you will continue to post and provide updates. Wishing you all the best. We can do this. I know we can. And it seems like you really want it. So get it! 🙏🏼

SnazzyDresser

Yes, you have a choice. You better believe you have a choice! You're a human being, not a doomed robot or zombie. The trick is to see it clearly and take advantage of it now, then stick with it.

doggonecarl

The advice I would have given has already been given:

tnek97

Ditto to what Carl said above.

I tried so many times to quit. I was drinking very heavily at the end, and was hopeless. Made so many awful, terrible decisions that could have (should have) left me in jail, dead, or worse, someone else dead.

I thought the whole "do you have a plan?" comment was nonsense, and dippy. I made zero effort to try recovery. So what made it stick and give me 13 months of sobriety? Yep, a plan and recovery. Admitting "I am an alcoholic", and then confronting the fact with information, knowledge, wisdom from others. Read the recovery books, make the plan, understand what the AV is and when it shows up, acknowledge it, understand it, and then tell it no.

Over time a new life begins to bloom, and the days/nights are spent less on minute by minute holding on, and more on planning out a future..sober. Which is an encouraging thought.

Eaglelizard

Just to put things in perspective, it does not sound like you have lost everything (yet). Not by a long shot. There's this tendency we addicts have to be fatalistic and say f**k it, I'm so far gone, it doesn't even matter, so let's just put it all on black and see how it works out. In fact, as you yourself say, just a week or so of stepping away from your routine would probably bring you a glimmer of clarity, enough to keep you going, with a bit of enforced discipline, perhaps.

tomsteve

when so many dont make it back, im glad you are able to make it back.

I wish i could stop consciously, with discipline as opposed from "forcing" myself not to drink thanks to Antabuse.. but i cant..

i crossed the line into full blown alcoholism where no amount of will power or discipline would keep me from drinking. no matter how much i didnt want to drink, even during occasions that called for me to not drink, i couldnt not drink.i couldnt force myself into recovery.
and noone was able to force me into recovery either.
when i decided i wanted to stop drinking for good, i had to find a power outside of myself to help me.
then get into action. for me that was the program of AA.
getting sober wasnt easy. some serious days of fighting the mental obsession, where some days it was down to one second at a time.
staying sober had been easy and worth every second of fight AND footwork.

Anna

I'm sorry you're feeling hopeless but you can change things. Motivation is the key and it sounds like you might be ready to do the work and make the changes. I didn't believe I could manage without alcohol in my life either, but it's the insanity of alcoholism that makes us believe that. We can and do recover and live happy lives.

leviathan

Is there a possibility you could take three months off and admit to a decent rehab? The amounts of medication (self administered and otherwise) should be managed by a qualified detox team.

I know whenever someone suggests such a "radical" move, many people state that they cannot handle such an interruption to their life and income...

But, its not really so radical. You have a LIFE THREATENING disease. Please treat it accordingly (like someone with cancer would) and then come back to your profession in healthy remission.

Dee74

Hows it going Piotr?

D