Dear Newcomer; as you struggle - what are your greatest hurdles?
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Dear Newcomer; as you struggle - what are your greatest hurdles?
Hi.
I wanted to open up a specific dialogue.
I'm coming on 4 years sober now and sometimes it can be difficult to recall and put myself back in all of the objections, the hurdles, the challenges, the mind games, the 'logic' of my addicted mind that kept me going back, going back, going back.... digging deeper.
Here on this thread if you're struggling, I invite you to share what you feel your greatest barrier is, your big anchor, your most insidious logic trap.
And here on this thread I invite those of us who have experience overcoming those hurdles to share.
I know we already do a lot of this on the forum in general - but was hoping for a thread devoted to this 'hurdle-solution' dialogue.
Feel free to chime in.
I wanted to open up a specific dialogue.
I'm coming on 4 years sober now and sometimes it can be difficult to recall and put myself back in all of the objections, the hurdles, the challenges, the mind games, the 'logic' of my addicted mind that kept me going back, going back, going back.... digging deeper.
Here on this thread if you're struggling, I invite you to share what you feel your greatest barrier is, your big anchor, your most insidious logic trap.
And here on this thread I invite those of us who have experience overcoming those hurdles to share.
I know we already do a lot of this on the forum in general - but was hoping for a thread devoted to this 'hurdle-solution' dialogue.
Feel free to chime in.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
My greatest hurdle is fear of missing out, or fear of not being able to recreate the past, or fear of never figuring life out, or fear of not being able to relive the good old days. I can be sober and everything will be working fine, then I will see either an old photo of friends from 15 years ago, or a current photo of an old friend, and they are drinking and having a good time, then I will wonder what will happen if we meet up again? Will they all be happy and healthy and having a boisterous good time while I explain that I don't drink and slowly get left behind at the drunken train leaves the station. What will happen if I go for a visit and they want to go out for a drink, and I have to explain that I don't drink. What will happen if I somehow manage to pull my life back together and I am on vacation on a sunny beach and everyone is kicking back with their favorite drink? What will happen if they have a few drinks and decide to go off on some drunken adventure? It doesn't matter how low the probability of any of that actually happening is, but it becomes a huge pressure to drink today, to be "normal", and to be available for drinking at some undefined point in the future.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 328
Great thread! Thank you.
For me it is being aware of my alcoholism and learning to differentiate between normal feelings and the ones that are linked to my AV and my alcoholism.
I struggle sometimes to be able to tell when I am perhaps over reacting to simple situations that could be handled better because I am an alcoholic or is my reaction normal for anyone who might be in my position. It’s difficult to know or have anything to compare it to or use as a sounding board.
I suppose getting to know yourself sober and understanding and accepting that I cannot control anyone or anything else is a constant hurdle for me anyway.
For me it is being aware of my alcoholism and learning to differentiate between normal feelings and the ones that are linked to my AV and my alcoholism.
I struggle sometimes to be able to tell when I am perhaps over reacting to simple situations that could be handled better because I am an alcoholic or is my reaction normal for anyone who might be in my position. It’s difficult to know or have anything to compare it to or use as a sounding board.
I suppose getting to know yourself sober and understanding and accepting that I cannot control anyone or anything else is a constant hurdle for me anyway.
Changing
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: NJ
Posts: 120
fear of missing out on social opportunities --- is a big hurdle for me too.
and fear of missing out on pleasure (ease and comfort). i also am single and seems like most men i have met want to meet for a drink. it's awkward. so i'm not dating anymore for this first year of recovery. i have to work on myself and get over some these 'hurdles' before i put myself in those situations. social too, i'm avoiding bars, parties, and the like and just making my social life in AA. I've met some women there but I still get the feeling when I am at a meeting on a Friday or Saturday night that I'm somehow missing out on some good time that is happening somewhere.
and fear of missing out on pleasure (ease and comfort). i also am single and seems like most men i have met want to meet for a drink. it's awkward. so i'm not dating anymore for this first year of recovery. i have to work on myself and get over some these 'hurdles' before i put myself in those situations. social too, i'm avoiding bars, parties, and the like and just making my social life in AA. I've met some women there but I still get the feeling when I am at a meeting on a Friday or Saturday night that I'm somehow missing out on some good time that is happening somewhere.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by jazzfish 
My greatest hurdle is fear of missing out, or fear of not being able to recreate the past, or fear of never figuring life out, or fear of not being able to relive the good old days. I can be sober and everything will be working fine, then I will see either an old photo of friends from 15 years ago, or a current photo of an old friend, and they are drinking and having a good time, then I will wonder what will happen if we meet up again? Will they all be happy and healthy and having a boisterous good time while I explain that I don't drink and slowly get left behind at the drunken train leaves the station. What will happen if I go for a visit and they want to go out for a drink, and I have to explain that I don't drink. What will happen if I somehow manage to pull my life back together and I am on vacation on a sunny beach and everyone is kicking back with their favorite drink? What will happen if they have a few drinks and decide to go off on some drunken adventure? It doesn't matter how low the probability of any of that actually happening is, but it becomes a huge pressure to drink today, to be "normal", and to be available for drinking at some undefined point in the future.
This was a BIG one for me, as well. I'd associated alcohol with.... EVERYTHING for so long, that my mind had come to believe I couldn't really even have a LIFE without alcohol. FUN? Alcohol. SAD? Alcohol. CELEBRATE? Alcohol. TOGETHERNESS? Alcohol.
I had to work consciously and actively at creating a new vision. I looked for role models - in popular culture like rock stars and leaders, in my own life and community - that I could look up to who were sober. I began to journal and meditate and think about life without alcohol as being BETTER THAN. I began to actively construct a new story. A story wherein sobriety was the path to fun, goodness, abundance, presence, emotions, celebrations, reality! I began to look down on alcohol and to talk UP the value of a sober life. At first, and for quite some time, it felt fake. It felt like a burden. I had that fear of missing out and a sense of loss weighing on me. But over time, with repetition, with ACTION to support that vision, I began to see that vision become reality in my life.
I couldn't just "not drink" and wait for things to get better. I had to create that vision for myself and work on manifesting it into being in my life..... it took time, but it worked wonders.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Silverback4
Great thread! Thank you.
For me it is being aware of my alcoholism and learning to differentiate between normal feelings and the ones that are linked to my AV and my alcoholism.
I struggle sometimes to be able to tell when I am perhaps over reacting to simple situations that could be handled better because I am an alcoholic or is my reaction normal for anyone who might be in my position. It’s difficult to know or have anything to compare it to or use as a sounding board.
I suppose getting to know yourself sober and understanding and accepting that I cannot control anyone or anything else is a constant hurdle for me anyway.
For me it is being aware of my alcoholism and learning to differentiate between normal feelings and the ones that are linked to my AV and my alcoholism.
I struggle sometimes to be able to tell when I am perhaps over reacting to simple situations that could be handled better because I am an alcoholic or is my reaction normal for anyone who might be in my position. It’s difficult to know or have anything to compare it to or use as a sounding board.
I suppose getting to know yourself sober and understanding and accepting that I cannot control anyone or anything else is a constant hurdle for me anyway.
For me, this part of the journey was most impacted through counseling with a therapist - just focused on growing as a person. I never really worked with her on addiction. It was more about working with my emerging emotions, the stuff of life, my thoughts patterns and responses. I found that alongside "not drinking", a whole world of issues were coming into the light that I'd not acknowledged or dealt with - and that I'd long-neglected the simple human skills for coping with this stuff of life.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
I began to actively construct a new story. A story wherein sobriety was the path to fun, goodness, abundance, presence, emotions, celebrations, reality! I began to look down on alcohol and to talk UP the value of a sober life.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
That's what I love about you freeowl. Nearly 4 years down and starting threads so relevant and inclusive for newcomers! 
At almost 4 months in I feel relatively comfortable looking at the major struggle in the past tense. I spent so long believing the lies of the AV and failing to recognise them as separate from my true self. You know the ones:
Just this once
No-one will ever know
Try again next week
You've started now so have a good binge
Etc etc
But the overriding thing was I genuinely thought I was a lost case. That I was somehow different and that meant I'd never succeed. I'd read posts from good folk like yourself and it felt like a pipe dream. Totally unachievable.
But one day I'd had enough. I was physically and mentally beaten. I couldn't carry on any more. So I put everything I had into day 1. Then day 2. Each day felt like an eternity but getting my head on the pillow sober each night was the only thing that mattered (still is to some extent). Slowly we gain momentum. Slowly sobriety becomes the norm.
I owe so much to SR. My saviour in so many ways. Today I will not drink. Today I'll do my best to get closer to being the person I'd like to be. Today I will care for my children and put their needs before my own.
Thanks again great thread!
At almost 4 months in I feel relatively comfortable looking at the major struggle in the past tense. I spent so long believing the lies of the AV and failing to recognise them as separate from my true self. You know the ones:
Just this once
No-one will ever know
Try again next week
You've started now so have a good binge
Etc etc
But the overriding thing was I genuinely thought I was a lost case. That I was somehow different and that meant I'd never succeed. I'd read posts from good folk like yourself and it felt like a pipe dream. Totally unachievable.
But one day I'd had enough. I was physically and mentally beaten. I couldn't carry on any more. So I put everything I had into day 1. Then day 2. Each day felt like an eternity but getting my head on the pillow sober each night was the only thing that mattered (still is to some extent). Slowly we gain momentum. Slowly sobriety becomes the norm.
I owe so much to SR. My saviour in so many ways. Today I will not drink. Today I'll do my best to get closer to being the person I'd like to be. Today I will care for my children and put their needs before my own.
Thanks again great thread!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by jazzfish
Thanks for these insights, and I will try to do more of this in my life, but, honestly, sometimes all my best intentions are pushed aside by the thought that I should "stop being such a killjoy and relax and have some fun." Ironically, it is when drinking that I actually become the killjoy.
Example:
Noticing yourself thinking "stop being such a killjoy"
Planned response:
"I'm not a killjoy. I am having fun. I am grateful for being here sober and present and I'm going to smile now, while you fade away"
It may seem odd or corny, but I found that having these phrases close at hand, talking back to those thoughts, changing the narrative, really did work over time.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 60
Boredom. Things seem more fun with alcohol and/or it passes the time for me. Also, this is the first time in my life since I was a young child that I'm not partaking in destructive behaviors. I'm still trying to find that life hugh. Something that gives you a similar rush.
Sex. It's hard to be so emotionally close to someone and be "all there".
Overall, just dealing with human emotions for the first time....ever!
Sex. It's hard to be so emotionally close to someone and be "all there".
Overall, just dealing with human emotions for the first time....ever!
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by oldmate
My smart allick comment aside i think letting go
of my little blankey and seeing if i'm as confident
and fun when i'm sober.
of my little blankey and seeing if i'm as confident
and fun when i'm sober.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
Useful thread. Thanks.
For me: I always feel crap. I continue (according to non-me people) to thrive, grow, change, mature- whatever other positive words one can use. I am 21 months booze free now.
BUT I always feel crap. And yes- got a counselor (weekly 'cos in recovery program), GP, psychologist, do meetings (including running one), exercise, journal, paint (exhib'n next year), losing weight..blahBLAH BLAH.
I am aware, given my particular brand of hell in my penultimate rock-b that reconnecting with positive emotions takes time and very hard work (throw major dep into the mix, with PTSD BLAH)- but it sucks.
Progress is as dynamic as paint drying.
THAT is my hard work.
For me: I always feel crap. I continue (according to non-me people) to thrive, grow, change, mature- whatever other positive words one can use. I am 21 months booze free now.
BUT I always feel crap. And yes- got a counselor (weekly 'cos in recovery program), GP, psychologist, do meetings (including running one), exercise, journal, paint (exhib'n next year), losing weight..blahBLAH BLAH.
I am aware, given my particular brand of hell in my penultimate rock-b that reconnecting with positive emotions takes time and very hard work (throw major dep into the mix, with PTSD BLAH)- but it sucks.
Progress is as dynamic as paint drying.
THAT is my hard work.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
PhoenixJ - You are a superhero. Thank you for truth. Unicorn farts and sunshine, all the time...it is not.
For me... boredom and a weird angry anxiety that seems to come with boredom. I have to put out a completely different level of effort to keep my own major depression from capsizing me in small and large ways. And that is tiring, frankly. Loads more productive and sustainable, but pouring a drink is way easier in the shortest of terms.
For me... boredom and a weird angry anxiety that seems to come with boredom. I have to put out a completely different level of effort to keep my own major depression from capsizing me in small and large ways. And that is tiring, frankly. Loads more productive and sustainable, but pouring a drink is way easier in the shortest of terms.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,576
Before I quit, and in the early sober months, I was most afraid of having feelings that would be too painful for me to cope with (such as fear, sadness, stress, depression ... about various life events).
As the months went on, I found that this fear was unfounded. Yes, I felt things more sharply, more clearly, which was painful at first. But I found that these feelings moved through me much more quickly and easily without booze ... kind of like ripping off bandaids but getting quick and thorough healing. Versus my experience while drinking -- nursing wounds, dragging it out over months and months, and never really healing at all. Staying stuck in old hurts for things that were really over and done with ... worrying about things that had not happened yet and might never.
I feared I would be unable to cope with depression. Depression was a familiar feeling in the old days. Chronic, dark feelings with a vague list of "reasons" for it, but no progress or change. Since getting sober in 2014, I have felt only a couple of very brief passing episodes of depression (lasting maybe a week or two), appropriate to actual events happening in the present. Alcohol was causing my depression, not curing it.
As the months went on, I found that this fear was unfounded. Yes, I felt things more sharply, more clearly, which was painful at first. But I found that these feelings moved through me much more quickly and easily without booze ... kind of like ripping off bandaids but getting quick and thorough healing. Versus my experience while drinking -- nursing wounds, dragging it out over months and months, and never really healing at all. Staying stuck in old hurts for things that were really over and done with ... worrying about things that had not happened yet and might never.
I feared I would be unable to cope with depression. Depression was a familiar feeling in the old days. Chronic, dark feelings with a vague list of "reasons" for it, but no progress or change. Since getting sober in 2014, I have felt only a couple of very brief passing episodes of depression (lasting maybe a week or two), appropriate to actual events happening in the present. Alcohol was causing my depression, not curing it.
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