Has an affair every rehab or program
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 4
Has an affair every rehab or program
I’m trying to stay positive about inpatient rehabs and meetings, but it’s so hard. My husband 5 years, 5 inpatient rehabs across the country, 2 outpatient extended programs and sober houses. Every single time he has an affair. He tells me the meetings, groups, discussions and team building force their togetherness day in and day out for 28 days. The see each other all day, eat together and share their most intimate moments. I don’t understand this way of thinking from the people who run theses programs!! Can’t they see this is like dating camp? CoEd field trips??? Are you serious????? Seeing each other in all the weekly meetings???? I give up, I push to get him help, sacrifice and this is the outcome every single time.
Last edited by Suchafool; 11-25-2017 at 12:42 AM. Reason: Spell wrong
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR--glad you found us here.
I don't think it's the fault of the rehab programs that your A cheats on you. Nothing they do "forces" him to cheat. And perhaps if he was actually working on what he's supposed to be working on while he's there, he wouldn't be cheating, either...
He's not the victim here, at least not in my opinion.
Hope you can take some time to read around the forum. Things can be better for you, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. You can't control him, but you can certainly make decisions about your own life that will make you happier.
I don't think it's the fault of the rehab programs that your A cheats on you. Nothing they do "forces" him to cheat. And perhaps if he was actually working on what he's supposed to be working on while he's there, he wouldn't be cheating, either...
He's not the victim here, at least not in my opinion.
Hope you can take some time to read around the forum. Things can be better for you, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. You can't control him, but you can certainly make decisions about your own life that will make you happier.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i agree with HP in that hes not a victim. hes an adult and making the choices.
i dont understand the way of thinking from HIM.
plus, dont know why youd want to keep allowing that in your life or why youve been pushing and sacrificing with this outcome while its destroying you.
i dont understand the way of thinking from HIM.
plus, dont know why youd want to keep allowing that in your life or why youve been pushing and sacrificing with this outcome while its destroying you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Suchafool, Welcome to SR!
I am so sorry for all that you have been through with your husband. My first husband was unfaithful. So I know the pain of that most intimate of betrayals.
But my now ex-husband made a choice that he did not have to make. Some men would never, ever dream of being unfaithful to the woman they married. Some men seem to have no qualms at all using excuses like your husband is making that it is the environment that makes him do it.
Which is interesting in that many active alcoholics continue to relapse claiming that they were just surrounded by stress and opportunity and had no other choice. There is always a choice.
I am sorry for the pain and the anger that you are feeling. Please hang around the learn all you can from the experience, strength, and hope of the other members here. You also have choices open to you. Wishing you peace and clarity.
I am so sorry for all that you have been through with your husband. My first husband was unfaithful. So I know the pain of that most intimate of betrayals.
But my now ex-husband made a choice that he did not have to make. Some men would never, ever dream of being unfaithful to the woman they married. Some men seem to have no qualms at all using excuses like your husband is making that it is the environment that makes him do it.
Which is interesting in that many active alcoholics continue to relapse claiming that they were just surrounded by stress and opportunity and had no other choice. There is always a choice.
I am sorry for the pain and the anger that you are feeling. Please hang around the learn all you can from the experience, strength, and hope of the other members here. You also have choices open to you. Wishing you peace and clarity.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Seren 
Hello Suchafool, Welcome to SR!
I am so sorry for all that you have been through with your husband. My first husband was unfaithful. So I know the pain of that most intimate of betrayals.
But my now ex-husband made a choice that he did not have to make. Some men would never, ever dream of being unfaithful to the woman they married. Some men seem to have no qualms at all using excuses like your husband is making that it is the environment that makes him do it.
Which is interesting in that many active alcoholics continue to relapse claiming that they were just surrounded by stress and opportunity and had no other choice. There is always a choice.
I am sorry for the pain and the anger that you are feeling. Please hang around the learn all you can from the experience, strength, and hope of the other members here. You also have choices open to you. Wishing you peace and clarity.
I am so sorry for all that you have been through with your husband. My first husband was unfaithful. So I know the pain of that most intimate of betrayals.
But my now ex-husband made a choice that he did not have to make. Some men would never, ever dream of being unfaithful to the woman they married. Some men seem to have no qualms at all using excuses like your husband is making that it is the environment that makes him do it.
Which is interesting in that many active alcoholics continue to relapse claiming that they were just surrounded by stress and opportunity and had no other choice. There is always a choice.
I am sorry for the pain and the anger that you are feeling. Please hang around the learn all you can from the experience, strength, and hope of the other members here. You also have choices open to you. Wishing you peace and clarity.
My fiance simply would not cheat on me. His ex-wife? Much like Seren describes. Three affairs, and his choice at the final one was to leave her. Very difficult for the kind of man he is; one of the best decisions he ever made (his words) and something he has learned and grown from, separate from me.
My heart goes out to you. Learning to make choices and take responsibility for them - that's something I have had to do in recovery. I didn't cheat on anyone when I was drunk - per se- but I made very gray area decisions. I don't make those in sobriety.
Take care of...YOU.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
Drinking is a choice
Cheating is a choice
they are separate choices
The majority of alcoholics who go to rehab don't cheat on the spouses.
I used to drink, but I didn't go around cheating on my husband because of it.
Many non-drinkers do cheat on their spouses, however;
sometimes in ordinary life, sometimes on work-related trips, sometimes online.
It sounds like your husband has made the moral / ethical choice that
cheating is OK, and this is not related to his choice to drink.
He's presumably sober while in rehab, right?
He's looking for another "high" and escape from doing the real work
of recovery. That's another choice.
It is also quite possible that he has chosen to cheat in other contexts
given the number of times he's done it in rehab. Cheating is a
character thing--not just a response to environment.
You have made the choice (so far) to take him back after these episodes
and even though he obviously continues to relapse and drink.
Rather than blame the rehabs, it might be more fruitful for you
to examine your choice in doing this.
You certainly deserve better treatment and respect from your husband.
You have stood by him, loved him, and forgiven him, but perhaps
there needs to be a limit to this if he isn't going to make the choices
to stop drinking for good and stop cheating.
I'm so sorry for your suffering.
I can't imagine how hard this kind of double-whammy must be to
bear repeatedly.
Cheating is a choice
they are separate choices
The majority of alcoholics who go to rehab don't cheat on the spouses.
I used to drink, but I didn't go around cheating on my husband because of it.
Many non-drinkers do cheat on their spouses, however;
sometimes in ordinary life, sometimes on work-related trips, sometimes online.
It sounds like your husband has made the moral / ethical choice that
cheating is OK, and this is not related to his choice to drink.
He's presumably sober while in rehab, right?
He's looking for another "high" and escape from doing the real work
of recovery. That's another choice.
It is also quite possible that he has chosen to cheat in other contexts
given the number of times he's done it in rehab. Cheating is a
character thing--not just a response to environment.
You have made the choice (so far) to take him back after these episodes
and even though he obviously continues to relapse and drink.
Rather than blame the rehabs, it might be more fruitful for you
to examine your choice in doing this.
You certainly deserve better treatment and respect from your husband.
You have stood by him, loved him, and forgiven him, but perhaps
there needs to be a limit to this if he isn't going to make the choices
to stop drinking for good and stop cheating.
I'm so sorry for your suffering.
I can't imagine how hard this kind of double-whammy must be to
bear repeatedly.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Sorry you going through this
He made his choice to treat meetings/rehabs as a dating scene. There a many vulnerable disconnected people in the rooms of AA and rehabs, and this is, unfortunately, is not uncommon.
I agree that while alcohol does lower inhibitions, it does not make a person cheat. I felt like every relapse made by XAHs brain more lizard-like. And he did end up cheating - first said that he was in a blackout so he does not remember, then he switched his story that he cheated because I was nagging him to get a job and his addicted alcoholic unemployed "adult friend" understood him, and the last "explanation" that came after apology #100 was that subconsciously he wanted out of the marriage and knew I'd divorce him after that. Whatever, dude, it is all irrelevant now. He now whines about how lonely he is and how he has no one (he has been "faithful" to me 2 years post divorce - I assured him it is not necessary
), how his life is impossible.
IMO - if they work recovery, they would not engage in this nonsense.
Most importantly - there is no reason for you to put up with this. I'd set him free to pursue his dreams of finding love and connection. Otherwise he is just exposing you to STDs - ain't nobody got time for that!
He made his choice to treat meetings/rehabs as a dating scene. There a many vulnerable disconnected people in the rooms of AA and rehabs, and this is, unfortunately, is not uncommon.
I agree that while alcohol does lower inhibitions, it does not make a person cheat. I felt like every relapse made by XAHs brain more lizard-like. And he did end up cheating - first said that he was in a blackout so he does not remember, then he switched his story that he cheated because I was nagging him to get a job and his addicted alcoholic unemployed "adult friend" understood him, and the last "explanation" that came after apology #100 was that subconsciously he wanted out of the marriage and knew I'd divorce him after that. Whatever, dude, it is all irrelevant now. He now whines about how lonely he is and how he has no one (he has been "faithful" to me 2 years post divorce - I assured him it is not necessary
), how his life is impossible.IMO - if they work recovery, they would not engage in this nonsense.
Most importantly - there is no reason for you to put up with this. I'd set him free to pursue his dreams of finding love and connection. Otherwise he is just exposing you to STDs - ain't nobody got time for that!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
There are lots of emotionally vulnerable people at AA or even Alanon. If he goes and decides to pick up some sobbing fool, that's because he's a cheater, not an alcoholic. None of this was/is your fault. He's being very destructive and selfish. Imagine the people he hooks up with. It doesn't work out and they stop going to AA so that they can avoid him. People like him keep others in the drink.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hey there, SaF, I'm sorry but I have to chime in with the chorus on this one.
This is not the rehab's fault, or the outpatient program's fault, or the counsellors' fault. They can't control other people's behavior any more than you or I could.
The only person responsible for your husband's cheating is your husband.
I hope you know that you deserve far better than this from anyone, especially a life partner.
This is not the rehab's fault, or the outpatient program's fault, or the counsellors' fault. They can't control other people's behavior any more than you or I could.
The only person responsible for your husband's cheating is your husband.
I hope you know that you deserve far better than this from anyone, especially a life partner.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 4
Thank you for your posts
You all are right. I have left him. And I’m extremely angry. All the wasted years. All the support, waiting for a sober miracle putting my life on hold looking like a fool. I know Im better off without him. Just feel like I need answers as to WHY?? I’m trying desperately to do no contact... but when you’ve been “taking care” of someone for years, and investing your entire life it’s hard to just turn it off. I just wondered why all the rehabs are co Ed. But he’s gonna cheat somewhere if not there I assume, that just makes it easy access.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm glad you left. when people show us who they are, BELIEVE them. he has shown you repeatedly that he has multiple untreated issues and is unable OR unwilling to a) stay sober and b) remain faithful. thousands of people attend treatment and do not sleep with others. it's just that HE did.............
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 4
He has. Many online things. Texting and talking dirty which he seems to think isnt cheating because it’s not physical. I’m done with it all. Hate starting over but it’s killing me.
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Drinking is a choice
Cheating is a choice
they are separate choices
The majority of alcoholics who go to rehab don't cheat on the spouses.
I used to drink, but I didn't go around cheating on my husband because of it.
Many non-drinkers do cheat on their spouses, however;
sometimes in ordinary life, sometimes on work-related trips, sometimes online.
It sounds like your husband has made the moral / ethical choice that
cheating is OK, and this is not related to his choice to drink.
He's presumably sober while in rehab, right?
He's looking for another "high" and escape from doing the real work
of recovery. That's another choice.
It is also quite possible that he has chosen to cheat in other contexts
given the number of times he's done it in rehab. Cheating is a
character thing--not just a response to environment.
You have made the choice (so far) to take him back after these episodes
and even though he obviously continues to relapse and drink.
Rather than blame the rehabs, it might be more fruitful for you
to examine your choice in doing this.
You certainly deserve better treatment and respect from your husband.
You have stood by him, loved him, and forgiven him, but perhaps
there needs to be a limit to this if he isn't going to make the choices
to stop drinking for good and stop cheating.
I'm so sorry for your suffering.
I can't imagine how hard this kind of double-whammy must be to
bear repeatedly.
Cheating is a choice
they are separate choices
The majority of alcoholics who go to rehab don't cheat on the spouses.
I used to drink, but I didn't go around cheating on my husband because of it.
Many non-drinkers do cheat on their spouses, however;
sometimes in ordinary life, sometimes on work-related trips, sometimes online.
It sounds like your husband has made the moral / ethical choice that
cheating is OK, and this is not related to his choice to drink.
He's presumably sober while in rehab, right?
He's looking for another "high" and escape from doing the real work
of recovery. That's another choice.
It is also quite possible that he has chosen to cheat in other contexts
given the number of times he's done it in rehab. Cheating is a
character thing--not just a response to environment.
You have made the choice (so far) to take him back after these episodes
and even though he obviously continues to relapse and drink.
Rather than blame the rehabs, it might be more fruitful for you
to examine your choice in doing this.
You certainly deserve better treatment and respect from your husband.
You have stood by him, loved him, and forgiven him, but perhaps
there needs to be a limit to this if he isn't going to make the choices
to stop drinking for good and stop cheating.
I'm so sorry for your suffering.
I can't imagine how hard this kind of double-whammy must be to
bear repeatedly.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sucha, you aren't really starting OVER.....you are where you are know, wiser, with some real (painful) life lessons, and about to step forward on the next part of your journey.
i was watching some of the movie WILD last nite, where she treks the Pacific Coast Trail. she made "mistakes" along the way, but she didn't have to go back to the beginning of the trail, she just had to absorb the lessons, heal the painful parts, and then press on.
and so will you!
i was watching some of the movie WILD last nite, where she treks the Pacific Coast Trail. she made "mistakes" along the way, but she didn't have to go back to the beginning of the trail, she just had to absorb the lessons, heal the painful parts, and then press on.
and so will you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Originally Posted by Suchafool
I just wondered why all the rehabs are co Ed. But he’s gonna cheat somewhere if not there I assume, that just makes it easy access.
I think that it is interesting that even now that it is over, you still want to put responsibility for his actions somewhere else.
Most people in rehab do not have sex with other people there. This is not generally an issue.
Why are rehabs "coed"? Because they are trying to help people form healthy relationships with all the kinds of people they will encounter when they return home.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Suchafool
Just feel like I need answers as to WHY??
Addiction isn't logical, and I really kept myself stuck as long as I continued to try to apply Healthy Person logic to the Unhealthy Behaviors of Addiction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
try to apply Healthy Person logic to the Unhealthy Behaviors of Addiction.
ok first, that is simply brilliant.
it's like trying to apply soccer rules to badminton.
or football rules to baseball.
ok first, that is simply brilliant.
it's like trying to apply soccer rules to badminton.
or football rules to baseball.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,977
Originally Posted by Suchafool
You all are right. I have left him. And I’m extremely angry. All the wasted years. All the support, waiting for a sober miracle putting my life on hold looking like a fool. I know Im better off without him. Just feel like I need answers as to WHY?? I’m trying desperately to do no contact... but when you’ve been “taking care” of someone for years, and investing your entire life it’s hard to just turn it off. I just wondered why all the rehabs are co Ed. But he’s gonna cheat somewhere if not there I assume, that just makes it easy access.
I would think it is going to take awhile to turn off the the "caring". Please give yourself lots of time and self care this is a huge change. Gather all the support you can. Have you tried Alanon? It has been really helpful for many although I have to admit I didn't go that route.
Let us know how you are doing.
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