Nearly 4 months I felt deprived for first time
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Nearly 4 months I felt deprived for first time
I wanted to get this out as I didn't like how I felt last night .
For the first time since 1st Aug 2017 I felt a strong sense of poor me ,why me ,anger and resentment that I am an alcoholic .
The trigger was that my son started work at a whiskey bottling plant .
Its good money and he likes it and its only 3 miles away but I drive him there and pick him up as the hours are 2pm -12 midnight .
Anyway he was doing an overtime shift yesterday 1pm-7pm and I collected him and he showed me a list of various whiskies that staff get with a heavy discount and with that a fancy brochure with all these 10 ,18 year old premium whiskies .
Also he had that magic friday feeling I remember from my young days and I WAS JEALOUS .
Once home he was explaining to his mum about the discounts ( none of us were ever whisky drinkers ) .
I picked up the list and scrunched it up tossing it to the side and went in a sulky mood for a spell .
I knew and they knew what the mood was about then after about 15 minutes I took a deep breath and thought it through .
I thought this is something that might just happen now and then , its just a thought ,don't dwell on it .
The mood passed and my wife and I watched a movie munching a box of chocolates ( It was our 38th wedding anniversary ) .
I just wanted to say how we can be caught out so suddenly by resentful thoughts .
For the first time since 1st Aug 2017 I felt a strong sense of poor me ,why me ,anger and resentment that I am an alcoholic .
The trigger was that my son started work at a whiskey bottling plant .
Its good money and he likes it and its only 3 miles away but I drive him there and pick him up as the hours are 2pm -12 midnight .
Anyway he was doing an overtime shift yesterday 1pm-7pm and I collected him and he showed me a list of various whiskies that staff get with a heavy discount and with that a fancy brochure with all these 10 ,18 year old premium whiskies .
Also he had that magic friday feeling I remember from my young days and I WAS JEALOUS .
Once home he was explaining to his mum about the discounts ( none of us were ever whisky drinkers ) .
I picked up the list and scrunched it up tossing it to the side and went in a sulky mood for a spell .
I knew and they knew what the mood was about then after about 15 minutes I took a deep breath and thought it through .
I thought this is something that might just happen now and then , its just a thought ,don't dwell on it .
The mood passed and my wife and I watched a movie munching a box of chocolates ( It was our 38th wedding anniversary ) .
I just wanted to say how we can be caught out so suddenly by resentful thoughts .
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm glad you got past it.
I remember feeling deprived myself a time or two - not really the last time because I nearly did myself in, but certainly before that.
It took a long time for my brain to accept that my relationship with alcohol was toxic and it always would be.
I was like a guy who was allergic to nuts but who still loved cashews.
'My face is only a bit swollen'....
Ridiculous
Once I accepted the toxicity of the relationship tho, things got a lot easier and I really don't care what anyone else drinks now.
It's a good feeling
Happy Anniversary too btw
D
I remember feeling deprived myself a time or two - not really the last time because I nearly did myself in, but certainly before that.
It took a long time for my brain to accept that my relationship with alcohol was toxic and it always would be.
I was like a guy who was allergic to nuts but who still loved cashews.
'My face is only a bit swollen'....
Ridiculous
Once I accepted the toxicity of the relationship tho, things got a lot easier and I really don't care what anyone else drinks now.
It's a good feeling
Happy Anniversary too btw
D
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you shared! And, happy anniversary! Being sober and being long married are both great achievements 
I didn't really have the "poor mes" once I quit (but boy did I feel like a victim when I was drinking, for a million stupid reasons!) but I do relate to the feelings of sudden agitation and disturbance....and they suck, but they do pass. Having understanding people around us (my fiance has a great knack to responding to my moments of this with kindness and love) is so important.
Take care and enjoy today - I think it's super that you recognized what happened and your feelings for what they were, and righted yourself quickly.
I didn't really have the "poor mes" once I quit (but boy did I feel like a victim when I was drinking, for a million stupid reasons!) but I do relate to the feelings of sudden agitation and disturbance....and they suck, but they do pass. Having understanding people around us (my fiance has a great knack to responding to my moments of this with kindness and love) is so important.
Take care and enjoy today - I think it's super that you recognized what happened and your feelings for what they were, and righted yourself quickly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
I think to be fair to myself I am at the back end of a stubborn chest infection .
After a course of oral steroids then antibiotics and a change to my inhaled steroid Iv'e felt pretty weird for a week or two and down in the dumps so it didn't take much to trigger a poor me . I have to say at no point did I want or crave a drink it was just a feeling of being left out but it passed .
Today I made 2 different soups ,Scotch chicken broth and minestrone .
I know when anyone comes in over the weekend a tasty warm bowl of soup and a crispy roll is awaiting them .
After a course of oral steroids then antibiotics and a change to my inhaled steroid Iv'e felt pretty weird for a week or two and down in the dumps so it didn't take much to trigger a poor me . I have to say at no point did I want or crave a drink it was just a feeling of being left out but it passed .
Today I made 2 different soups ,Scotch chicken broth and minestrone .
I know when anyone comes in over the weekend a tasty warm bowl of soup and a crispy roll is awaiting them .
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Nice, hpdw. You rode it out and turned it around beautifully, I would say.
I can’t yet get away with the slightest outward show of resentment or poor-me. My partner is still too fragile and wounded and angry and distrustful of me. BUT...on the INSIDE...I have had this kind of moment, and SR is where I can voice it freely in all its pettiness and ridiculous-ness. Thank goodness for this place and these people.
And thank YOU for sharing, hpdw, my friend!
I can’t yet get away with the slightest outward show of resentment or poor-me. My partner is still too fragile and wounded and angry and distrustful of me. BUT...on the INSIDE...I have had this kind of moment, and SR is where I can voice it freely in all its pettiness and ridiculous-ness. Thank goodness for this place and these people.
And thank YOU for sharing, hpdw, my friend!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I'm glad you got past it.
I remember feeling deprived myself a time or two - not really the last time because I nearly did myself in, but certainly before that.
It took a long time for my brain to accept that my relationship with alcohol was toxic and it always would be.
I was like a guy who was allergic to nuts but who still loved cashews.
'My face is only a bit swollen'....
Ridiculous
Once I accepted the toxicity of the relationship tho, things got a lot easier and I really don't care what anyone else drinks now.
It's a good feeling
Happy Anniversary too btw
D
I remember feeling deprived myself a time or two - not really the last time because I nearly did myself in, but certainly before that.
It took a long time for my brain to accept that my relationship with alcohol was toxic and it always would be.
I was like a guy who was allergic to nuts but who still loved cashews.
'My face is only a bit swollen'....
Ridiculous
Once I accepted the toxicity of the relationship tho, things got a lot easier and I really don't care what anyone else drinks now.
It's a good feeling
Happy Anniversary too btw
D
Thank you for this!
After reading the book This Naked Mind by Annie Grace, I think it's FINALLY sunk in for me. I'm allergic. Drinking simply cannot be on my menu. Period.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Hpdw, this may sound weird at first but I don't think you were jealous about alcohol at all. Forgive me, but I'm putting myself in the situation and times when I've felt jealous and I used to think it was connected to alcohol too.
I think we (in early recovery) are actually jealous of the happiness we haven't relearned how to access. We THINK alcohol accesses it, but for many of us we don't even truly enjoy drinking except for the first 20 minutes or so, if that. I think we are truly longing for the happiness we think alcohol will bring us, because we haven't put enough good substitutes in its place.
For example, im 5 months sober and still struggle with Anhedonia sometimes. I've not created enough healthy substitutes to "light up my brain" pleasure centers - closeness with people, camaraderie, pleasure, physical release. I've basicly not built a fulfilling life yet - all the things that normal people do while I was getting wasted.
You may have built a fulfilling sober life and I don't mean to sound presumptuous. Your post helped me reflect on something in myself and I started rambling. Thank you for posting your experience with your son; it really helped me!
I think we (in early recovery) are actually jealous of the happiness we haven't relearned how to access. We THINK alcohol accesses it, but for many of us we don't even truly enjoy drinking except for the first 20 minutes or so, if that. I think we are truly longing for the happiness we think alcohol will bring us, because we haven't put enough good substitutes in its place.
For example, im 5 months sober and still struggle with Anhedonia sometimes. I've not created enough healthy substitutes to "light up my brain" pleasure centers - closeness with people, camaraderie, pleasure, physical release. I've basicly not built a fulfilling life yet - all the things that normal people do while I was getting wasted.
You may have built a fulfilling sober life and I don't mean to sound presumptuous. Your post helped me reflect on something in myself and I started rambling. Thank you for posting your experience with your son; it really helped me!
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