We found him dead yesterday
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
We found him dead yesterday
You know when you are angry at your A and you tell him that you have to leave because you don't want to wake up and find him dead or you warn him that he's going to end up alone and dead on the couch if he doesn't quit? Well, it happened. For the first time, I'm ashamed that I was right and that I said that to him. He died with an empty gallon bottle of tequila right next to him....with his first love.
I'm so heartbroken and sad and scared right now. This wasn't the ending I was hoping for. I had that small sliver of hope that my leaving would be his bottom....I was the last person to stick it out with him and I thought that he would wake up and decide that he didn't want to live without me. That he would get treatment and we could work it out somehow. Beneath all the anger and resentment I had for him, I still loved him. I've loved him since I was 13 years old.
I am angry because that bottle was what he loved most and it killed him. He let it kill him. Why weren't me and the kids worth changing for? It shattered me to see the kids crying over him yesterday. Why didn't our love get through?
I guess I'm not done crying over him.
I'm so heartbroken and sad and scared right now. This wasn't the ending I was hoping for. I had that small sliver of hope that my leaving would be his bottom....I was the last person to stick it out with him and I thought that he would wake up and decide that he didn't want to live without me. That he would get treatment and we could work it out somehow. Beneath all the anger and resentment I had for him, I still loved him. I've loved him since I was 13 years old.
I am angry because that bottle was what he loved most and it killed him. He let it kill him. Why weren't me and the kids worth changing for? It shattered me to see the kids crying over him yesterday. Why didn't our love get through?
I guess I'm not done crying over him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Becki I am so terribly sorry for your loss. If anything, this says everything about just how powerful addiction is, and not one thing about you and your children's worth.
Sending you lots of hugs, strength, and courage.
Sending you lots of hugs, strength, and courage.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Becki, I am so very very sorry and my heart hurts for you. 
It is not your fault, addiction to drugs/alcohol is just stronger than our love sometimes and most addicts don't face the fact that death awaits them if they don't stop. It is that denial that kills them, not your or my decisions to let go.
He was the real person beneath the alcohol, the loving person you used to know who just got lost and couldn't find his way back.
Remember the good person, let the sick person he became go and know that he suffers no more.
My prayers and condolences go out to you today.
It is not your fault, addiction to drugs/alcohol is just stronger than our love sometimes and most addicts don't face the fact that death awaits them if they don't stop. It is that denial that kills them, not your or my decisions to let go.
He was the real person beneath the alcohol, the loving person you used to know who just got lost and couldn't find his way back.
Remember the good person, let the sick person he became go and know that he suffers no more.
My prayers and condolences go out to you today.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm so sorry Becki for your loss and for your childrens' loss.
You were doing what you could to try to get through to him, but he was too far gone. He was on his own path. How tragic and senseless.
I think with any death there comes a small amount of, "What if..." It's just the way it goes, regardless of the situation.
I pray for strength and peace for all of you.
You were doing what you could to try to get through to him, but he was too far gone. He was on his own path. How tragic and senseless.
I think with any death there comes a small amount of, "What if..." It's just the way it goes, regardless of the situation.
I pray for strength and peace for all of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 88
So so sorry for your loss and your pain at this awful time. Your feelings are entirely normal and I hope you find peace soon. Heartbreaking that it ended this way for you and your children. It seems so hard to comprehend their choices that lead to this. Thinking of you
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Very sorry for your loss Becki. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, in fact you should be applauded for everything you did do. There is nothing you or anyone else could have done to change the eventual outcome.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
I'm so sorry Becki
When I was drinking, nothing my spouse said or did was going to stop me.
It was always up to me.
When my mother was drinking, I always thought that I could do something
to make her see, to want to change and go back to the wonderful person
she was before the addiction, but it never happened.
I think looking back I realize how much the addiction had taken over my life
and that those around me were not at all the cause or solution,
but the long-suffering casualties of a terrible internal war they could not help me fight.
Wishing you peace and healing
When I was drinking, nothing my spouse said or did was going to stop me.
It was always up to me.
When my mother was drinking, I always thought that I could do something
to make her see, to want to change and go back to the wonderful person
she was before the addiction, but it never happened.
I think looking back I realize how much the addiction had taken over my life
and that those around me were not at all the cause or solution,
but the long-suffering casualties of a terrible internal war they could not help me fight.
Wishing you peace and healing
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I am just so sorry, Becki
This disorder of addiction can be so unforgiving...so brutal. I'm so sorry this man that you love could not find a path out of his misery.
You, your children, and all who loved him will be in my prayers.
This disorder of addiction can be so unforgiving...so brutal. I'm so sorry this man that you love could not find a path out of his misery.
You, your children, and all who loved him will be in my prayers.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,717
I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying that you and your children will have strength to carry on after such a terrible experience. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by Becki67 
You know when you are angry at your A and you tell him that you have to leave because you don't want to wake up and find him dead or you warn him that he's going to end up alone and dead on the couch if he doesn't quit? Well, it happened. For the first time, I'm ashamed that I was right and that I said that to him. He died with an empty gallon bottle of tequila right next to him....with his first love.
I'm so heartbroken and sad and scared right now. This wasn't the ending I was hoping for. I had that small sliver of hope that my leaving would be his bottom....I was the last person to stick it out with him and I thought that he would wake up and decide that he didn't want to live without me. That he would get treatment and we could work it out somehow. Beneath all the anger and resentment I had for him, I still loved him. I've loved him since I was 13 years old.
I am angry because that bottle was what he loved most and it killed him. He let it kill him. Why weren't me and the kids worth changing for? It shattered me to see the kids crying over him yesterday. Why didn't our love get through?
I guess I'm not done crying over him.
I'm so heartbroken and sad and scared right now. This wasn't the ending I was hoping for. I had that small sliver of hope that my leaving would be his bottom....I was the last person to stick it out with him and I thought that he would wake up and decide that he didn't want to live without me. That he would get treatment and we could work it out somehow. Beneath all the anger and resentment I had for him, I still loved him. I've loved him since I was 13 years old.
I am angry because that bottle was what he loved most and it killed him. He let it kill him. Why weren't me and the kids worth changing for? It shattered me to see the kids crying over him yesterday. Why didn't our love get through?
I guess I'm not done crying over him.
You will be in my prayers.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Becki, I absolutely fear the day that this happens to my (stbx)AH. Fortunately he might hate me enough to keep going in life. I don't think that there is much more you could have done. By the time friends and families decide to establish boundaries, this sort of thing would have happened no matter if you stayed or left. I'm so sorry that this has happened, I pray that you find peace.
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