searching4shay

Of all days, I am so sad today, which is not my normal holiday mood. I will be surrounded by family today, so I have much to be thankful for, but I'm so sad. Between AH doing an exceptional amount of quacking last night, me being very sleep deprived - which means I'm having a hard time ignoring the quacks, and the normal stress of getting everything ready - meal and house - for everyone to arrive this afternoon, I am really struggling putting one foot in front of the other today. I'm scared my family will see right through me, or worse that I'll just break down in tears. I'm also realizing that something is going to have to change very soon. AH very subtly went after one of the kids with his alcoholic passive aggressiveness last night, and that is a boundary I have set. It's been one thing for him to pull that stuff with me, I signed up for this. They did not. Too much going on today to figure out exactly how I'm going to address it. Thanks for letting me vent.

Xia

Searching, I'm very sorry you're struggling today. I completely empathize with having sorrow in your heart when it's supposed to be a day of cheer. You have some heavy decisions ahead. Wishing you much strength and clarity, and hugs as you try to get through today.

Soulful

What do you enjoy doing most? Do you like to walk? Do yoga? Read? Bubble bath... watch your favourite TV show? Ice cream?...

Do that... Our emotions are transitory and when we feel sad, just know that will pass and soon enough we will feel happy again. <3

teatreeoil007

I'm sorry you're struggling so much today of all days....I feel for you....please hang in there and you have our support. I'm working today and I will miss being with family....BUT...I will be around others who also have to work and/or spend the holiday alone....some will be alone and lonely....some will just be alone, but not really lonely.....some won't really notice today is any different than any other day...I hope I can cheer someone up.

Clover71

I'm sorry you are struggling today. Not to make it about me, but only so you know you are not alone. I'm struggling today too, and I'm usually festive. I might dig out the Christmas tree later to add light to the room

53500

searching, sorry you are struggling and very sorry you're sleep deprived. That is SO hard, I can't stand it when I don't sleep enough and then have to go to work or somewhere else. Being sleep deprived really short circuits me in every way. I hope your day goes well and tonight you get enough rest.

What a great sentiment! I'm going to carry that with me today. Thank you.

qtpi

teatree- love your sentiment. the holidays are always tough for me but maybe I can cheer someone up today.

Westexy

S4S - I hope that your day went well. Lack of sleep has such a negative effect on our dispositions. I hope that you're able to sleep well tonight and I hope that you had many bright moments with your family today. You know when you mentioned your concern about your family seeing through you, it made me think about last year when I stopped hiding my feelings from my family - not from my child - but from my parents and siblings. It made a world of difference for me. Maybe it's ok to be with friends and family on a day of celebration and let them know that you're not feeling very celebratory. Sleep well tonight!

Bekindalways

Hi Searching. It can be pretty tough to stay cheerful when you are going through a tough time.

I hope it went okay an you got a good nights sleep.

searching4shay

Thank you all for your support, stories and suggestions. It really did help knowing I'm not alone. AH and I have always tackled things as a team. Yesterday was very different. He got up less than two hours before everyone was to arrive and sat around. I had to tell him to go get dressed. He told me later that it was the most relaxing Thanksgiving he had in years. (Um, yeah I would hope it was. You didn't do anything!)

Everyone showed up at about the same time, and I was still running around getting things ready since I wound up doing most everything by myself (Although the kids thankfully chipped in when they realized AH wasn't getting out of bed.) So, no time for any deep conversation, which was a relief to me. I'm not ready to pull my family into it yet. AH was on his very best behavior and was quite charming. I'm pretty sure my family would think I'm nuts if I told them how bad it's actually gotten anyway. Overall, regardless of the stress leading up to it, it was a really nice evening.

After everyone left, AHs drinking continued, and eventually it started getting ugly again. Fortunately, he passed out shortly after. On a side note, I think he's doing the whole reverse sleep thing - up most of the night, sleep most of the day, when he sleeps. If anyone has any info or experience with this I would love to hear.

teatreeoil007

Well now we know he slept! Did you get a decent night's sleep last night? I hope so...Just so you know...you're not alone with the sleep issue either...I slept very little the two nights before Thanksgiving, but finally slept really good last night and what a different that makes!! Glad you got through the day somehow...that's hard when you don't get much face to face support. Hang in there friend. We're here for you....

searching4shay

Ha! Yes, teatree, he slept, or rather passed out, but I'll take it. I got some sleep. Although not enough to call it a full night, I feel much more rested today compared to yesterday. Hoping to get a full night tonight. I'm still hanging in there. I truly appreciate the support. (Typing that seems so inadequate, but I really do appreciate it.)

AnvilheadII

up most of the night, when everyone else is asleep and unaware of what he's doing.

sleep most of the day, when he sleeps when everyone is awake and therefore he doesn't have to face or deal with anyone.

since alcohol doesn't usually keep one awake for long periods, i'd have to wonder if there are other substances going on. not trying to pile it on for you, just based on drug experience.

Maudcat

We cooked Thanksgiving dinner for the first time in a long time.
I had forgotten how much work it is!
I think the holidays are tough for everyone, drinkers and families alike,.
Hang in there, shay.
You are among friends.
I forget, are you going to Al-Anon or have some form of support?

searching4shay

Anvil - Fairly certain there are no drugs involved. He rarely goes anywhere. He works from home, and only goes out to go to the liquor store and isn't gone for long. It would be difficult for him to be introduced to drugs based on his current habits. He doesn't stay awake, more like he passes out for awhile while sitting up, wakes up, wanders the house/watches TV/etc, drinks more, and repeats. Sometimes he tries to go to bed at a normal time, only to wake up 3 hours or so later and then is up for the night. Then he goes back to bed sometime in the early morning and sleeps until mid-day. It's like his sleep/wake pattern are reversed.

Maudcat - I've joined an online group but haven't gone to an in person meeting. The timing of the meetings near me don't work with my "single" parent status. Considering individual counseling, but have yet to do it. I know this is totally ridiculous, and would rather not admit it, but with AH working from home, if I were to go into counseling, it would hit the fan. I can't do without him knowing, so I have to be prepared to deal with the storm that will follow. That sounds like I'm controlled which makes me want to throw up, and in reality to a certain extent if I want to keep the peace, I am.

Maudcat

My addicted sib stays up late drinking, too.
It’s his pattern.

FeelingGreat

Hi Searching, you've had so many great responses here I won't add to them apart from to say I noticed the bit where you thought you might burst into tears in front of your family. I hope you're keeping an eye on your mental health and not slipping into depression. It might be running at a certain level and then be exacerbated by the stress of a big event.

It might be worth checking in with a health professional to raise your awareness of how you're travelling in the next few months.

Clover71

Your family might already know. Mine noticed things but didn't say anything to me

dandylion

searching4......if you can't get help for your own self...for fear of him and his reaction...you ARE being controlled by him.....by the fear of him....
I think that for this kind of situation...it is recommended to get your help from the local domestic abuse organization......You do not have to be physically hit to be abused...there is all kinds...and, psychological can leave scars that can't be seen on the outside.
You can call them in full co nfidence...your husband need never know. If you go to any kind of counseling sessions...you can say that you are going to a woman's self improvement group (that is not a lie)....that is,,,if you are questioned....but, I see n o reason to tell him. This is for you and y ou are entitled to it. You are not his property....

I caution you not to confront him until you have counseling from a professional (abuse counselor). They have many resources that you may not even know about and you can always talk to them on the phone without judgement and they are very compassionate and understanding people!

If you continue on this path of holding everything in...from the families and from him....don't you think that your head might explode, someday??...lol....

PuzzledHeart

If there's a will there's a way. His dealer could visit him at the house. Somebody I know figured out how to order drugs online. Actually when I think about it, her previous sleeping patterns sound very much like your AH. (She finally quit when she got sick and tired of lying to everyone.).