Carter5

Hi all- I have been reading through many posts on here for the past few months, but have never posted before. I have found such comfort in all of your great words of wisdom and stories that seem too similar to mine to be true!

I married my AH in August of last year after dating for almost 5 years. During that time we were both social drinkers, we were in our 20s and both enjoyed being out with our friends. The year leading up to our wedding, my now-AH was getting more intoxicated than usual and was very frustrating to be around, but I never really thought there was a "problem." Looking back, I could kick myself for not realizing because he would finish bottles of wine after I went to bed, drank to the point of being angry and falling out of my car after I drove us home after OUR engagement party, and many other things. I truly just thought he was drinking too much on those occasions- I had times I had a bit too much as well, so I felt I couldn't judge too harshly.

He got very intoxicated on the plane to our honeymoon and pretty much ruined the trip. The first 6 months of our marriage were not great at all- he was miserable to be around, to be honest.

In January of this year he told me that he was an alcoholic and that he had been to a weekend detox without telling me (I was visiting my sister that weekend). I was shocked and very upset, but he entered into an Intensive Outpatient Program and seemed very motivated. I was still upset that I didn't know and that my life was going to have to drastically change, but I cleared out all of the alcohol in our house and stopped drinking around him. I still struggle with the anger that he lied to me for so long about his problem- he did a home detox about 6 months before we got married, but he told me it was a health detox for his "liver problems." He knew he was an alcoholic but didn't want to admit it to me and I was too clueless to think my fiance would lie to my face about things like that.

For a few months, he was doing a great job. He didn't want me to tell many people because he was ashamed, but told me that he had told his family. His parents live close and so do two of his brothers and their families. However, none of them reached out to me at all to check in on how things were going or brought it up when we saw them. They are people who pretend like things are perfect and that anything that's wrong can be handled by "being strong," so I wasn't shocked at this, but hurt for my husband. He still views his disease as him being "weak."

A the end of this summer his psychiatrist told him he needed to back into an IOP program. I was confused, but supportive. He swore he hadn't been drinking and didn't know why she was saying this. Well, about 3 weeks into the program he relapsed 3-4 times in 10 days, each being worse than the last. I left for about a week and that made him wake up a bit. I also called his parents and brothers and make sure they couldn't ignore his need for our help. He's now been sober for almost 30 days and I'm very happy for him.

However, we have been seeing a couples counselor and it's coming out just how many times he lied and was drinking this summer. He would lie that he was going to an AA meeting and he would go drink at his parents' house when they were out of town or drink in his car and sit in our neighborhood. I'm still struggling with his lies and hiding this from me before we got married and now these extra lies are just adding to my list of things I am angry about. I am contemplating leaving, but feel so bad for him because I feel like he will be all alone with a non-supportive family. I don't think I am in love with him anymore, but I'm not sure if that will come back once he proves himself trustworthy?

I guess I'm just trying to talk out my feelings and also see if there are any real success stories? I had wanted to start a family and have a completely different life than the one I am living and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's all very hard to accept only a year and a few months into my marriage. Thank you for any thoughts!

FireSprite

Oh, not the "S" word!

Here is the most recent thread on that topic & it contains a lot of links to many more threads:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-stories.html (Success stories?)

Welcome to SR! You've definitely found the right place for support & empathy about what you're experiencing.

AnvilheadII

marriages can be annulled..............

Hummer

I’m sorry for the situation you find yourself in Carter.
Similarly, my AH and I were married approx 15 months when I discovered his alcohol problem - it really is not an easy thing to come to terms with.
That was around 4 years ago - I tried to make things work but lots more has come to light since then.
I took on board the great advice shared on this forum and turned my attention on me - found a counsellor, confided in trusted friends/family (eventually) and read on here as part of my recovery, it has all helped enormously and while we are separated and awaiting a divorce I believe I have been successful in reclaiming a healthier life for me.
I hope things turn out well for you and for your husband.

Bekindalways

Welcome Carter. I am so glad you are here and posting.

Your husband may well have been as honest as he could be at the time. However I don't blame you for feeling blind sided. Neither of you signed up to deal with alcoholism . . . .sigh . . . .but then absolutely no one does.

I will second what Hummer said; work on yourself the best you can. Try out an Alanon meeting. Also find a copy of Codependent No More. It is a bit of a bible around her.

Grace and courage to you lady. This is super tough stuff.

Let us know how it goes.

Carter5

Thank you all for the support- placed my Amazon Prime order for Codependent No More
Yesterday was tough- we spent Thanksgiving apart and my husband sounded drunk on the phone when I called and checked in. I let it ruin my day and worry me sick... his parents told me he didn’t appear drunk and he denied drinking. I need to focus on not letting myself worry or expect him to reassure me when I’m feeling anxious about the possibility of a relapse. So much easier said than done.

dandylion

It has been my experience, that, if they sound drunk on the phone,,,,they are drunk....every time.
You can't rely on what they say...or what anyone else may say about it....

Hawkeye13

I'm sorry Carter--so heartbreaking when they relapse, especially on a holiday.
I know that horrible sinking anxiety in your gut all too well

Carter5

Dandylion- thank you for saying what I felt in my gut. It helps to have someone else say it first. We have couples counseling on Tuesday, so I am going to wait to address my suspicions further until we have a third party present. It makes it easier to talk without saying things I regret when we are in a controlled environment.

The relapse-fear does induce some crazy emotions! It did make me not so hungry for Thanksgiving dinner and therefore not over-eat Hope everyone is having a great Sunday.

AnvilheadII

chances are good that even in a "controlled setting" he will DENY any drinking.

does that CHANGE what you thought/felt? no.

let's say he does concede that yes, he drank.

does that CHANGE what you thought/felt? no.

rely upon your gut, your instincts. even if you are wrong THIS time, odds are VERY good that he will drink again. it is not misplaced to suspect him of drinking/using.....he's given you plenty of history to draw from.

keep those expectations low!!!

Elctrcldylnd

Wow this sounds like me 7.5 years ago! Like you, I knew my husband had a problem but overlooked it bc everyone around me (including me) drank. He would get so drunk I would need to carry him home. I thought naiveley that he was just a light weight. It wasn’t until I got pregnant that I realized he has a problem and it’s not a matter of him not being able to handle his alcohol. After the birth of our firstborn he would disappear to go “rake the leaves” or “mow the lawn”. During that time he would drink a fifth or a six pack. One time he fell over and passed out raking the leaves with my dad. He even broke his ankle bc he was drunk! He never really sought help until my begging. He saw a therapist this year and that has helped some but refuses to do go to AA. He does these detoxes that gets worse every time bc of the kindling. Now he hides his drinking from me and it has gotten to the point he is putting our children in danger. I am now contemplating separation or divorce and the ones who really suffer are my children.
This process is painful and full of regret and anger.

You are me 6 years ago. If I did it again I probably would not have married him. At the time I thought I was in too deep. With kids it only gets worse. Don’t have children thinking it will fix your marriage. It won’t. I made that mistake (2x). I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do. The positive thing is that he is looking to get help. But it’s a long road.

NYCDoglvr

The sad truth is that alcoholics lie constantly about their drinking. I'm so sorry you found yourself in this situation. Alanon is a great suggestion.

Carter5

Thanks everyone for the support! Elctrcldylnd- I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. I am not considering children anywhere in the near future, even though I would love to have them. We have counseling this afternoon and I usually go to an AlAnon meeting for family members in his IOP program afterward.

I'm feeling uneasy about counseling tonight. I'm feeling angry and upset with my AH, but I know that when I'm upset and angry it makes him feel defeated, like there's no point in doing all of this if I'm going to be doubting him (he has said this). I've read enough on this forum to know in my head that I cannot control what he is doing/decisions he will make, but it's still hard to balance.
He makes such great strides and then something happens and he's back to being moody and upset with me over any small thing- it just gets to be exhausting. On Thanksgiving he was very upset and sad about us not being together, but we had spoken at length with his counselor about what coping strategies he would cope with his feelings of "abandonment." So, instead of actually using those coping skills he was either drinking or just being a jerk on the phone, which usually means he's drinking. I feel like I'm not able to say how much it bothers me to him. He gets paranoid that I'm going to leave him, gets upset, then gets remorseful and sad, which sucks me back in emotionally.

Sorry for the long post, just getting anxious about going today.

Mango blast

Hi Carter,

I've heard many people suggest not having counseling as a couple until there is strong recovery going on for quite some time... 1-2 years is a common timeframe.

Here is a link that may be helpful:
Signs That Recovery Is Working | LoveToKnow

Keep working on your own growth. Consider your needs first, before his. If you need time apart, that's okay, too. Healthy relationships can survive that.

FeelingGreat

There's a fair bit of manipulation going on right there. You're already feeling guilty in advance about how being honest with him makes him feel rather than how the fact that he was drinking contributes to the situation you're in now.
You owe it to him to be honest, and not buy into the remorseful act. Therapy will go nowhere without you being able to tell the truth as you see it.

Hawkeye13

Speaking as the former drinker in the relationship,
I think it is only fair that your husband understand / accept his past actions
have brought the anger, mistrust, and anxiety into the relationship dynamic.

I had to accept that my spouse was justifiably angry and upset with me
and had been stuffing many of those feelings for years.
You continuing to walk on eggs and put his feelings first
just continues the cycle of "King Baby" where the drunk
gets to act like an ass without accountability.

Yes, I concede you are right that he may use this as an excuse
to drink or quit working his program, at least for awhile.
But as is, he's holding you as an emotional hostage to your
fears of his relapse.

Do you really want to live the rest of your life together like that?
My spouse and I had some really tough and painful work to get through this,
and I had to "grow up" and accept my part.

Things have truly healed and grown between this and made our marriage
now stronger than ever.
He had a right to be angry and mistrustful, and I had to earn his trust back
over time and actions (not drinking) and by owning what I did.

If your husband isn't able or willing to do that, things may not be fixable.
By the way, I agree with trust your gut no matter what he says.

FireSprite

+1 for the idea that couples counseling is sort of a waste of time until he's got a period of sobriety AND recovery under his belt.

Couples counseling with an active addict is like brushing your teeth with oreos...... not going to achieve the desired end results.


This, right here ^^, this is the core of codependency to me - you are ALREADY putting his feelings ahead of your NEEDS. This is not helpful for you to heal or to get to a better place emotionally, but it's a great breeding ground for resentments.

YOU have to come first in YOUR recovery, not him.

Carter5

I had the same thought about the counseling while he's still so new in recovery, but the social worker at his IOP program suggested it. Another licensed counselor with their program does it and it's free, so that's always a plus. It's been helpful to have certain conversations with someone who is well versed in his recovery and background. I don't know that it's making us a better "couple" but it's helping us communicate without yelling or getting upset.

In our session last night I told her I thought he was drinking and he said he was just being rude and ignoring my calls because of how he was feeling. He was angry with me on Thanksgiving and the counselor prompted that he was trying to punish me for not wanting to spend the day with him and he agreed. I'm still not sold, but I don't need to be. That was very hard to hear and truthfully made it easier to come home and read a chapter on detaching in "the bible"

I'm going to take things slowly and not make any decisions, but I did make it clear that divorce was an option if the manipulation and lying didn't stop. I'm not sure what it will take to earn my trust back to be honest, besides hard work. I make a lot less money than he does (public school salary!), which isn't everything, but it does make me stop and think about if we did separate for a while, what might that look like and how to make it work. Much to consider, but hearing others' stories has been so helpful. Thank you!

dandylion

Carter.....it would be good to know your rights if you do decide to separate....
The following website might be helpful to help you organize your thoughts...before you see your lawyer...(always get legal advice before making any living change,,,like separation). You should know your rights and his rights, as well...
Knowledge is power.


www.womansdivorce.com

Carter5

Thank you so much! I will be looking through this very soon. Knowledge is power and it's also good for anxious nerves.