M0n3t

Hello all - just joined. I've been reading everything here for a long time and it has really helped me through some stuff.

I've been with my boyfriend (fiancé or ex fiancé ?). and living with him for about five years now. His addiction got really bad in the last month or so - 5-10 day binges. Long story short I called the cops on him one morning when he came home at 6 am because I didn't know what else to do he was withering away infront of me.

Now currently - he's got one month for sobering and he's living with his parents outside of the city. It is a two hour drive and We see each other on weekends about 2-3 weekends a month.

The first week into all of this we decided to get back together, within the second week he's wanting to find a place so we can all be together again ( we recently adopted a dog ) he's getting his life sorted etc so we can finally get Married etc. now comes the third week - we are arguing, I can't talk to him about he future, every time we talk it's stressful for him.

I saw him this past weekend and found out that he's been keeping me a secret from his sponsor because he can't be in a relationship within the first year. I tried to explain that it is hurtful but it's fine and this then turned into how I make him feel guilty about going to meetings and he doesn't get his readings and stuff done when i am there. He wants to now get a place for "himself" and doesn't know if he wants me to come.

He has thrown him self into aa and is now sober which I'm so thankful for. But I feel like I'm loosing him ? Feeling very excluded with a lot of things. I don't know where we stand from week to week and I'm finding it hard to communicate with him. He still seems very angry with me.

Does anyone have any advice for relationships in early stages of recovery ??

Bekindalways

Hiya M0 and welcome to Soberrecovery. I am so very glad you found us. I hope this community will be supportive for you.

My Qualifier (AKA addict with whom I had a relationship) did not seek sobriety while I was with him so I haven't been in your situation; however his sponsor stands with the majority of AA folks in recommending a year of sobriety before getting into a relationship. I've heard that the first year is hell for the recovering A as well as any one they live with.

You might give Alanon a try. Also the bible in these parts is Codependent No More.

Please let us know how you get on and big hug to you. This is so so not an easy thing to go through.

trailmix

Hi M0n3t,

Sorry you are going through such a hard time, i'm sure you're feeling pretty lost and hurt.

I have read that there is no "rule" in AA about not being in a relationship for the first year of recovery. It's not actually part of AA technically but seems to be commonly used as a guideline.

That said, i'm sure the intention never was that everyone should drop their partner/wife/husband. If so I guess there would be a bunch of single recovering addicts around.

I do know that part of recovery is honesty. The fact that he's lying to his sponsor is a bit odd.

He is in very early recovery and i'm sure you have read that this is a really tough time for them.

Anyway, I don't have experience with this but wanted to say hi and just let you know that there is support here and many people here with TONS of experience with both AA and AlAnon and recovery in general. Please keep posting and reading. Have you been to AlAnon at all?

PeacefulWater12

Hello and welcome, at this very early stage in him putting down the alcohol, his thoughts and emotions will be all over the place.

I encourage you to put your focus on you and what you want.

JK130

Welcome! It's time for you. Your loved one is taking needed time to focus on his health and wellness, and it's a perfect time for you to do the same. New routines, extra duties, additional socializing, renewed interest in school, work and family will build your confidence, and give you strength for whatever the future may bring with your once partner. You're worth it!

elihoping

Hi M0n3t, just to let you know, it’s recommended that newly sober people don’t get into a NEW relationship in their first year of sobriety. AA isn’t recommending that marriages and previous relationship get broken up for this first year. It’s really just to discourage someone from making any major decisions in their first year when their sobriety is still pretty shaky.

dandylion

Mon......I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....I hope you will read through them....there are dozens and dozens of them.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ic-reading.htm

Here are some suggestions for books on early recovery relationships.....you can get them on amazon.com

"Loving Someone in Recovery"
"Everything Changes"
"Living With Sobriety"

Remember that knowledge is power.

M0n3t

Thankyou for responding yeah he said to me when we were out one day that we can't be seen together other wise his sponcer will "get mad at him "

I have not yet been to alanon !

biminiblue

Different sponsors have different "takes" on that. Some people think it is "no new relationships."

I dunno, I certainly would back way off, regardless. If he wanted to be with you he would tell his sponsor that. Sponsors aren't parents and they aren't in charge of the alcoholic's life. They are supposed to be walking the sponsee through the steps as written in the Big Book of AA - and nowhere does it say in those steps that relationships that are already established ought to be abandoned.

So, this is him. He has to do some growing up and he has a lot of healing to do and it's going to take a long time - actually a lifetime. If he doesn't want to be with you that's one thing, but it sounds to me like he is just really confused right now and needs some time (like a few months) to get his feet under him. I'm a recovering alcoholic and the first few months are an emotional roller coaster. He's in no position to make any long-term decisions. Can you give him some space and get to Al Anon for yourself?

HTown

Everything you wrote tells me he does not want to be with you right now. I think everyone has given you great advice. I think it best though very hard that you emotionally detach from him and start re-building your life. This is not the guy for you. Sorry, But that’s what I see.

M0n3t

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am looking to go to a meeting for my self. I am trying my best to give space and look after my self.

It's a hard change for all parties involved !

LostinLB

From my understanding it is no new relationships so the focus is on sobriety/recovery. Like others said they don't expect everyone to leave their marriages, long term relationships, etc. With that being said, early recovery is very shaky and their emotions are usually all over the place, so you are best off focusing on you and giving space. It will hurt, but he needs to put all his focus into his recovery right now.

I strongly encourage you to go to Al-Anon and therapy if you can, this is a complicated disease and it does a lot of damage to relationships. It takes a lot of work to heal those wounds. I know the first time my ex-fiance relapsed I thought if he got sober everything would go back to how it was, but it didn't. My part of that was I was so thankful he was no longer using and being crazy that I didn't even realize how much anger and resentment I had built up and was not dealing with.

At this point - 3 relapses later - we split up after he finally got sober, he is 6 months sober now and I know that we both have a ton of work to do on ourselves before we could attempt to be together again. I honestly don't know if I could ever do it again. I know it would take a lot of sobriety and embracing recovery (AA, therapy, working, etc.). I don't know if we can rebuild the trust, it was so damaged, right now I don't see how we ever get there. I also don't want to do this again, active addiction is insane and scary. I don't want that in my life.

tomsteve

although the saying is "no NEW relationships," it seems someone lieing to their sponsor about a 5 year relationship isnt very wise. theres a good chapter in the big book of AA titled,"the family afterwards" which addresses some things the FAMILY may experience after a husband or wife gets sober.
i think it would be pretty.....ummm...i dont know the word..... for any form of recovery program to say no relationships in the first year, beings how not everyone that gets sober is single- lots of husbands and wives.

might be a bugger to read, but it would be wise to stay in your lane and let him stay in his. learn about boundaries FOR YOU and work on you.
and remember:
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant sure it.

M0n3t

Thank you so much- this is always the thing that's so difficult- looking after my self

M0n3t

I've been noticing this as well - the more time I spend away I am okay but when I do see him I get so angry !!! He's in no place to talk about anything right now which is beyond frustrating