Plink

Hi, haven't posted in awhile but just needing to vent a bit......

Son, who is supposedly in recovery is coming home for Thanksgiving.....first time in about 4 years. We normally celebrate his daughters birthday that day since he no longer has custody......he's moved 2 hours away and hasn't seen her since June.

He hasn't been here for her birthday like I said for about 4 years. I text him to let him know that we will be celebrating her birthday. He texts me back....he doesn't have time to get her a gift....could I pickk one up for her?!

Really??!! First time in 4 years that you need to buy her a gift and you do not have time to get it??!!

I texted back that I did not think that it should be up to me to buy her a gift from him, that maybe he should go to the jewelry store and buy her a nice neclkace or bracelet from her daddy...

He texted back that "OK, prolly won't have anything from me" but, "don't worry it's not your problem"

I'm astounded!!! Did not get back to him but, just keep thinking......what kind of little pri%&......did we raise?? Tries to make me feel guilty that right now, at this time he does not have the time to get her anything!!

I'm at a loss for words.....so sad.....don't want my GD not to have a gift from her Dad but, so tired of bailing him out!

hopeful4

I think I would have to re-think him being at my home.

Big hugs.

Maudcat

Well, haven’t heard anything like that in a while.
Good for you for pushing back.

Soulful

How old is your daughter and how much does she understand out of this situation?

Ann

I'm not sure of her age but children of active addicts are disappointed far too often. If he can't be bothered to get her a gift will he actually show up...and will she be disappointed if he doesn't?

Hmmm, I have changed my reply here 3 times because once I see what I type, I don't like my answer or suggestion.

The short version is that if this celebration is at your home, you get to call the shots. I wouldn't get a gift from him or enable his thoughtlessness in any way.

Please don't let him spoil her birthday, whatever you decide.

My heart hurts for you, I watched my son disappoint his son over and over until the boy's mother finally denied any visitation at all. I commend her for that.

Maudcat

Hi, plink.
I reread your post and here’s another take: he hasnt seen his daughter in a while. He doesn’t know what she likes, despite your jewelry suggestion.
Maybe it was his backhanded way of asking for your help, as you know what she would like?
Not excusing him, just saying maybe there was some of that going on.

Plink

Thank you all for your replies. It means a lot to me.
My granddaughter will be 12. Yes, she's been disappointed many, many times so, nothing new there.

He and his daughter were very close until he started his downward spiral. Such a sad thing to see their relationship be this way.

She's so excited for him to come home tomorrow she even requested me to make his favorite cake.

And I don't really think it was his way of asking for help to pick out a gift for her.

Hopefully, he will show tomorrow and not disappoint her once again....

Maudcat

No, probably not.
I’m basing my thoughts on my own interactions with the alcohol addict in my life: my sib.
After talking to him, I will often rush to a conclusion, usually negative, about what he needs or wants.
This is based on many, many years of disappointment, sadness, and anger toward him.
Sometimes my conclusion is accurate, and his behavior is the same selfish passive aggressive crap that he has been dishing out for years.
Occasionally, I get the whole thing terribly wrong and then, of course, I feel like a witch.
Never easy.

ladyscribbler

So sorry your granddaughter is experiencing this. Is she in any kind of counseling, or a group like Alateen (not sure if Naranon has an equivalent or how widely available meetings would be)? I grew up with an alcoholic dad (mom had primary custody, but he had visitation) and it impacted my life tremendously. I didn't realize how much until a few years ago.

I had just left (another) alcoholic/abusive relationship and knew I needed help. I was 34 and had been getting into relationships with guys like my dad since I was a teenager, so it was a deeply ingrained pattern.

I wish that someone in my life had understood the impact of growing up the daughter of an alcoholic, and had an open and honest discussion with me about alcoholism/addiction without being resentful and angry.

Yes, your son is being an entitled turd. He wants you to pick her out a nice gift, pay for it, slap his name on it and lap up your granddaughter's gratitude. That is totally unfair to her, and it gives her unrealistic expectations for a relationship with her father, which does not truly exist.

I had to give up being the facilitator (enabler) that allowed my ex to pretend that he has a relationship with our son. It's not my responsibility, sad as it is to realize that his alcoholism does not allow him to be a true parent.

Many hugs to your family. Please don't let your granddaughter's special day hinge on how her father chooses to behave.