Mamapajama

So I've been married to my alcoholic husband for 13 years. We have 6 year old triplets. The last 5/6 years I've had such a energy level problem. I was exhausted all the time. Like, lay on my bed and cannot get up exhausted. I tried every diet that was supposed to promote energy. I tried EVERY supplement (vitamins, minerals) that didnt help at all.

2weeks ago he was gone for 4 days and I made a decision to leave him. OMG the relief I felt was considerable. Ive had 3 nights since that i honestly couldn't sleep. Clearly this is the correct thing for me to do.

It sucks that my kids are going to have to deal with this but I think it's healthier than this toxic environment they've been in since birth. Im not even angry so much as I am indifferent. Im sure he's going to make my life hell for a while but he's been doing that for a long time.

I decided to wait until after Christmas but I dont know if I can wait. I just want to get things started and get this over. I have a feeling he's going to make excuses why he can't leave. I am not leaving our house and he will have to move.

I dont want to ruin the kids Xmas so im going to force myself but I feel like Im going to just blurt it out. Im excited and ready to get ion with it!

dandylion

Mama.....here is a link to a website that might help you to organize your thoughts.
It is educational in nature, and is not meant to replace your lawyer...which you are going to need.
It is arranged by state....

www.womansdivorce.com

dandylion

LOL...I once read that the holidays is when the decision to divorce or separate is a peak time.....
Maybe, it is not so ironic that I made the decision on Dec. 18th....many moons ago...
Maybe the holidays really brings it home how unhappy we really are....when we see the rest of the world looking so happy.....?

FeelingGreat

You sound impatient but I'm sure putting together a plan and working on finances and practicalities will keep you busy.

Glad you've left the land of doubt.

BeachPlease

I used this site several months ago and it was very helpful. Thanks for sharing Dandy.

Mamapajama

Yes Im impatient! Its the exact opposite of how I've been these last 5 years where I kept thinking "ok maybe by the end if the summer I will decide" I was uneasy of leaving the marriage without giving it my all. once I finally realized I was the only one giving I just snapped. All the things I've wanted to do but couldn't BC of him, I could actually get to do those things!!

My sister actually cried tears of happiness when I told her. I guess my parents kept wanting to have a divorce intervention for me but she would stop them. Which was the correct move imo. I mean, im 43!!! I get it tho. He put our family through so much.

I have seen a lawyer I love! She's awesome! Im seeing another today just to make sure i like her and pick the best one for me.

I think its the fact that I know I need to wait until after Christmas. Im assuming he's going to drag his feet about moving. Im done though! Almost free of this hell!!!

Mamapajama

Awesome! Thank you!!

BAW81

Good for you, Mom! Removing your children from a toxic environment is the best thing you can do as well as show them how to be strong and not tolerate unacceptable behavior. So proud of you!

I definitely would take this time to get everything in order. If you don’t have video, take it. If no picture, capture those. Anything you feel would help you set the proper safety guards for your children when they are with him. Protect yourself financially as much as possible.

Lastly, I went in when filing for divorce expecting it to take 3 months...divorce takes time. Just know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel eventually and stay the course.

Sending you support!

Mamapajama

My phone crashed while I was replying so I hope this isn't jumbled. I just finally gave myself permission to entertain the idea of divorce seriously in spite of my kids young age. I have already mourned the marriage and who I thought I married. That person doesn't exist and I am looking to move forward finally!!! All the reasons I gave for needing to stay were excuses. The kids were a massive reason I hesitated but reading about this, I think he will only teach them bad habits and verbally abuse them too. Who can't be a good father 2 days a week/ half the day? Im sure he wont like the breathalizer before and after seeing them that will most likely be in forced but not my problem anymore!!

Mamapajama

Thanks so much! This means a lot to hear!!

Challenger2013

When I finally signed the papers a couple of weeks ago, I felt a weight lift off of me as well. We are waiting until after the holidays to break it to our DS and will try to act as normal as possible.

CentralOhioDad

THAT is the part I'm dreading the most - telling DS7.

Mango blast

The anticipation and fear is often much worse before leaving than afterward. Use this momentum to your advantage and go with your gut. Trust your instincts on when to leave, rather than logic.

DS10 was upset and fearful of the unknown. Once things changed, he adapted quickly!

When we leave, there is going to be a "first" everything coming up. So if having a first Christmas without the haze and chaos of addiction/alcoholism in the midst of it, might as well jump in and have it now IF you're ready for it. The "when" moment of finding a safe, non-apologetic environment is very individual.

Mango blast

btw - the distraction of holiday activities can be a welcome buffer-zone for the newly changed up family structure.

Emotions will ebb and flow for all and it's great to have something good to keep putting the focus on. New traditions. New memories.

You're doing a fantastic job with listening to your body, with being a great mom, with dealing with a very crappy, difficult situation. One day at a time. Breathe deeply. Find something fun to specifically look forward to, even if it'll be months away.

LLLisa

Good for you!

My kids were older than yours when they learned I was separating from their addict father. The youngest was devastated. He was 11. However now, he and his brother are very well adjusted and happy. They have told me that if I were ever stupid enough to reconcile with their father (we are divorced) they would leave home. They categorically state that life is WAY WAY WAY better than it was with their father here. After all, we all get to sleep through the night, every night without his tantrums which used to last until 2, 3 and 4 in the morning. We would get up to go to work and school and he would lie to his work about the kids being sick HAHAHA and how he couldn't make it in 'cause "kids sick".

Being free from their tantrums, noise, gaslighting and abuse is fantastic.

Mamapajama

This is true. In my situation, I am not leaving the family home, he will. I can afford to stay here and the school is really nice. If my husband tries to Take the house, my lawyer said she's not worried about that. Since Im pretty sure he will not move out immediately, I was anxious to get started. I still am going to wait until after Christmas still as I wouldn't be surprised if he makes everyone walk on eggshells after I tell him until he leaves. I just want to try to have a peaceful holiday season just once.

We had a good friend die last year suddenly and very tragically. This friend was awesome and had a way of making you feel very special. Ah took it especially hard and every 3-4 months he becomes really easy to get along with, easy going and sweet. He will talk about Sean (friend) he gets inspired by him like "what would Sean do?" "Sean would be kind to her" Every time it happens I feel very hopeful and positive we will make it. It only lasts a week or two.

He's in one of those sweet modes right now as Seans kids are home for thanksgiving. I started thinking maybe im being hasty and was rethinking the divorce: I think OMG Im breaking up the family and my kids will suffer. Im being extremely selfish.

I know of course in a week or two he will be back to normal. Even if this is somehow permanent (its not) he still is a raging alcoholic. If I let my kids think that is normal, that is horrible parenting. He will still see them plenty. Maybe even more than now. Now he ignores everyone by staying downstairs all night.

So Im not going to stop my plans to leave him like I've done so many times before. Im just going to enjoy this while its lasts. It just makes me sad. This is how we were before kids. He has always been a alcoholic and neglectful but he was pleasant for the most part. Now he's extremely hard to be around.

I just know once I tell him, ill become public enemy no 1