emmab219

Another long post is coming, but this is the only place where I'm really able to talk about what is going on with my AH. I appreciate all of you who have reached out to me already so much. I think I've hit my newest rock bottom yesterday.

I decided to take a step and come right out and tell him that I'm no longer happy and haven't been for awhile. Since he apparently can't see that. His reaction was not at all what I expected, and I'm assuming this is all related to his alcoholism. I know if he had come to me and said he was unhappy, I would've felt devastated and right away been asking how to fix it.

I explained to him that I just feel emotionally disconnected from him anymore-- like we exist in two completely different worlds. He spends so much time drinking and playing video games and I don't think he realizes the toll it's taking on us. I really did try to explain this to him, how I think he's wasting a lot of his potential (very smart man, very talented) and I don't get how he is so content to just be stagnant in life. That's the best way to describe it...he's content to just coast by. So I told him all this and that most days I feel more like I have a twenty-two year old roommate instead of a thirty-six year old husband.

His first reaction was to come back at me with "you neglect me too". When asked to explain why, he said it's hard to talk to me anymore, that I behave very cold towards him and am quick to lose my temper....I admit I do act this way, but it's me being resentful and bitter about his drinking that has led me to be that person. I try explaining that to him (I also apologized a lot and recognized I was wrong) but he still was not getting it. He thinks he's doing much better because he's not drinking as much during the week, but instead he just binges twice as hard on the weekends to make up for it. Apparently he doesn't see any problems there. And when I said this, and how his drinking has made him very unhealthy physically, he got very upset with me and that I don't think anything he does is "good enough". Like making me feel totally villainized. I think that's the alcoholism talking, right?

Then it just turned into him cracking jokes about everything, and making it seem like it wasn't a big deal. Like instead of a serious talk, we were just chit chatting and messing around. I felt like what I was saying and my feelings were being totally disregarded so again tried to turn the conversation back to serious but all he did was tell me the same thing he does every week-- "I'll try harder this week. I'll start working out, won't drink either." He's not drinking tonight, but did not follow through with working out. Didn't expect him to. I don't expect him to follow through with much anymore. The entire conversation ended with me asking him if he wanted me to be happy and him saying "yeah, as long as you're not mean to me."

I don't feel I am a mean person at all, but I'm so fed up and tired of living this cycle. And I was so hurt that he just didn't seem to really care that I was telling him I was unhappy. I really expected him to show more concern and ask how we could fix things, but nothing. Today it's like that conversation never even happened. Then, just to make everything that much worse, I come home to my landlord mowing the lawn...AH has been putting it off for weeks so the landlord opted to do it himself and was pretty upset it'd been put off for so long. Granted, I could've done it but I don't know how to use the mower we have and AH has always handled that. Just felt embarrassed and upset. Our lease is up in January so who knows if we will be staying.

Anyways, this got much longer than I intended but I'm just so depressed right now. I just feel completely miserable...why doesn't he care that I'm unhappy? Why isn't he doing everything he can to fix our marriage or at least attempt to make a change? It was like like talking to a brick wall. I really don't know what to do anymore but things shouldn't be like this after two years of marriage. I know no one can tell me what to do next but I'm so lost and hopeless right now.

SparkleKitty

Honey I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. My XABF and I had this same conversation a million times.

At the end of the day, I had to let go of asking Why. Why wouldn't he fight for us, why wasn't I important. Instead I had to work towards acceptance. He wouldn't fight for us. I was not important to him. The whys don't matter. Ultimately, for me, accepting the truth of what was right in front of me was very painful, but extremely freeing.

I didn't have to be with someone who was not as invested in the relationship as I was. The why's didn't matter.

Maudcat

I’m sorry, emma.
It’s a miserable thing.
I would say that your husband is exhibiting classic addict behavior.
He isn’t hearing you when you tell him about your unhappiness.
He blames you.
He promises to change but doesn’t.
He isn’t ready to stop. He may never be.
As Sparkle so eloquently said, acceptance that this is who he is, is key.

Bekindalways

Heya Emma, yep your description of his response is pretty classic alcoholic. They tend to deflect, minimize, and blame. Your conversation with him was almost like a test to see if he has the alcoholic mindset and . . . . .absolutely yes . . . he does.

You might look into the stickies for information on Gaslighting or Quacking. This is what we here call his response to you.

Irk, I know it hurts beyond anything to be where you are. Please keep posting. We will support you as much as we can.

dandylion

emma.....I can see how desperate you are to hang on to the marriage...which is understandable for someone who is only 2yrs. married.
But, there are two things that are dealbreakers for any relationship...and, that is addiction and abuse. Those two make it an uneven playing field and they both get worse...not better....

I wish that you understood alcoholism better...and, you would see that these are very typical behaviors with alcoholism. It feels like you are talking to a brick wall...because you ARE. Denial is very, very powerful...and, much more powerful than you are....

I fervently hope that you are reading the dozens and dozens of articles in that link that I sent you in one of my posts.....you will see yourself and him, over and over, in those articles....
Knowledge is power....

I think you can save your breath, with him....I really like that you put effort into letting him know how you feel. I am all for putting all the cards on the table!
But, now you know that he is not hearing you...because he is protecting his ability to drink the way he wants and he wants you to be "cool" about it. In other words, leave him alone....
It doesn't sound like he is even close to thinking about genuine recovery....and never taking a drink of alcohol, ever again.....

I am sorry that you are this disillusioned, 2yrs. into the m arriage....but, I urge you to not bury your head in the sand...
The o nly thing worse that being disillusioned at 2yrs....is to be disillusioned at 3 or 4yrs........
Please do n't let that happen to you...as it has for so many others, here, on this forum.....

honeypig

I think kodi has some things to say that you might find helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...18042-why.html (Why)

Mango blast

In what I'm seeing in my own life...

1. My husband has a solution that works for him.
2. I do judge that... I try not to, I try to work on myself, yet I REALLY want to tell him he "should" be doing something differently than what he is.
3. I hate it when he does that same "helpfulness" to me. Both when it's a symptom of the disease (deflection) and also when he's done this at other times.

Alcoholism is a family disease. It effects me just as much as it does him.

The only thing I've found to help is No Contact. Maybe I'll have other tools someday if I was dealing with my husband finding long time recovery... but that's not what I'm dealing with or have ever had the opportunity to have a relationship with... and without longterm recovery, there is no "relationship" to work on.

Seren

I'm so sorry for the situation you have found yourself in...and for the pain.

I think the answer to your question 'why?' is 'alcoholism'. My experience has been that when in active addiction, the addicts in my life do not care about me or my concerns...they can't. Alcohol comes first. Asking one of my addicted family members to consider how unhappy they are making someone else would have been met with the same response you received from your husband...

"Well, you're a big dodo-head, too!"

Not...

"What can we do to fix this!"

I hope you will work on obtaining some real-life support for yourself!! As it turns out, we can be happy even if the alcoholics in our lives are drinking. We just may not be able to be around them when they do.

Please take good care!

emmab219

Thanks so much for the supportive words, everyone. I have been trying to read as much as I can, when I can. I got a great pamphlet and book from an Al-Anon session I attended. And someone sent me a ton of links that I've been working my way through. I'm trying so hard to understand alcoholism and I'm starting to really see what as been mentioned to me before...it's like suddenly a lightbulb has turned on and I really don't know how I was so blind to his symptoms before. Unless I was just disillusioned or too in love to notice.

I am tired, though. I am lonely and I can't help but feel that I am better than this and deserve more. I'm still young enough that I find myself more and more entertaining the fantasy of leaving him and starting over with someone else. I just never wanted to be that person that gets a divorce-- I come from divorced parents. We don't have children, though, so at least it would only be hurting me. I adore him, I adore his family, at one point I liked the life we had together.

Yesterday when my landlord told me the lease is up in January, a part of me was immediately thinking that maybe that's a good time to suggest we separate. I just don't know how to tell him this, or if it's even at the point where I should just walk away. We share everything-- joint bank account, car in both our names, etc etc. I'm just so tired of being unhappy and it's at the point where that feeling is stronger than the love I have for him as a person.

dandylion

e mma....I think it would be a good idea to find out what both of your respective rights are. You need to know this information for your own self.....
I suggest that you get a consultation with an attorney, now...regardless of when you need to use it....it will, also, make you feel more confident.
I suggest the following website to help you organize your thoughts and know what important questions to even ask a lawyer.....
It is meant to be educational, in nature...and is arranged by state....

www.womansdivorce.com

dandylion

emma.....I don't think that any of us wanted to see ourselves divorced when we were getting married!.....I certainly did not.
However, for some. the alternative to that is to be the woman who is trapped in a miserable marriage where she loses herself and her youth in the process.....

It is no longer the 1950s and women have options, today, for their lives that women of our mother's or grandmother's generations did not have so available.....

Hawkeye13

Only you can decide what is best, but I would take dandy's advice and see the lawyer.

You are right about the lease--it seems a good time to make a move on your own if that's what you choose.

His actions are speaking pretty loudly here--and your inner feelings are too.
I suggest you listen to both of them.

Hugs--dealing with addiction is hell

Maudcat

Hi, emma.
Agree with the others that talking to an attorney is probably a good idea.
He/she wil outline your rights and maybe offer practical info, like separate your finances, etc.
Sorry for all of this. I know it’s difficult.
I would, for the moment, give up on finding answers re why he is the way he is, and why he isn’t fighting hard to keep the relationship.
He is alcohol addicted, and to him, that is the most important thing.
Nothing needs to happen this minute, but I would start preparing mentally and physically for a change.

emmab219

Thank you again, everyone!

I'm going to keep working on myself and getting my ducks in a row then. I'll start researching attorneys in my area tonight and see if I can get in for a consultation.

Dandylion-- thanks for the link! I know that is going to be so helpful for me! I really appreciate everyone's kind words and advice. It makes me feel like I'm not in this all alone.

tomsteve

Why isn't he doing everything he can to fix our marriage or at least attempt to make a change?
i can think of a few reasons from my perspective when i was the practicing alcoholic.
-selfish and self centered.the world revolved around me and the worlds #1 priority was MMMEEEEE!
- change was a great thing!! HOWEVER, it involved the world changing to meet MY needs and standards. because,ya know, i was that important.
- the mental obsession with alcohol- alcohol was my #1 priority.
-denial. there wasnt anything wrong on my side of the street.

thinkin about it a little, i think i could sum it up with one reason:
i was delusionally insane.

it can be hard for me to read people going through what i put people through, but also an extreme blessing to read those people,like you,emma, making a decision to work on themselves and to get away from the insanity.

Mango blast

Hi Emma,

Prayer is powerful. It doesn't require belief in it. It does help if emotions are flowing, so an honest FEELING is involved.

One prayer that has made a huge difference in my life:

"Please give me eyes to see,
Ears to hear,
And strength to embrace the illogical."

Prayer can be as simple as:

"Help!"

"Thank you!"

Higher Power, Universe, God, Great Spirit, Mother Earth or even tree-outside-my-window... any kind of name doesn't really matter. The ASKING does. Again, and again, throughout the day.

With asking to see, asking to hear, asking for help... then start looking for those things and expecting them.

Life can and does get much, much better.

KTF

ladyscribbler

It was helpful for me to learn about the cycle of abuse. Those "nice" times were just another part of it, not evidence of his ability to be a good person. Of course he had to keep me hooked in, though he put in less and less effort into it as time went on. I had a child, stayed for 5 years.

Everything about his life worked. He got to drink pretty much without consequences, and me, his mom and a family network of enablers and fellow alcoholics allowed him to do that with all of our "helping" and "understanding."

I absolutely regret subjecting my children to that situation for so long. But I believed him when he said things were my fault, and so I stayed, trying to do better so that he would be "happy enough" to get sober. But he just kept getting worse and I finally realized what you're understanding now.

I'm so sorry. It's a horrible feeling and I was so angry for so long. At him, at myself, at his family, you name it. And I was heartbroken that the relationship I saw as an absolutely vital part of my life meant much less to him. I was a means to an end, and he used my love to continue drinking.

Sending lots of love your way. Pleas make sure to be extra kind to yourself during this time.

HoneyBeez

These are really very powerful words.

Say it again louder for the people in the back!