Soulful

The up and down rollercoaster of drama is particularly difficult when they are in their "good" stages. The stages where they say everything right and make all the right promises to be better. The stages where all of the sudden, they act like nothing happened and they act completely surprised when we are cold, distant and unavailable.

This is my AH right now. He is very good at manipulating the situation with hopes that I would change my mind. He knows that I expect him to leave on Dec 14th, so now he is the nicest person ever. What is particularly troubling me is not knowing how to act now.

I am avoiding him as much as possible, but I feel like I am mentally going crazy, I am definitely not second guessing myself, but I truly feel like I am losing my mind.

Last week he was bleeding out of his nose and acting like a maniac lunatic from the withdrawal symptoms and this week he is a completely different person.

I am seriously starting to question my sanity. How do I survive the next 24 days?

SparkleKitty

Start by remembering that words means nothing compared to actions. What is he DOING as opposed to what he is SAYING. Is he seeking help with recovery from addiction? Or just white-knuckling it until the cycle inevitably begins again?

Soulful

He isn't DOING anything. He has clearly stated that he does cocaine, drinks etc because I stress him out and as he put it to his friends (I need to get crazy sometimes so I can be happy). He loves to smoke weed daily and around our son because weed is just a plant and what's the big deal?

He doesn't think he has a problem and he is just waiting for me to stop being mad at him.

SparkleKitty

He DOES cocaine, DRINKS alcohol, SMOKES weed.

Those are his actions. Those are the things you can count on.

He SAYS he does those things because you stress him out (which isn't true, he does them because he is addiced). He SAYS he doesn't have a problem and that you should stop being mad at him.

Those are his words. They are just so much air and have no weight to them.

So he IS doing SOMETHING. Drugs. Drinking. Smoking weed in front of your son! Take his excuses out of the equation then that's what you're left with. Whether that is acceptable to you is up to you (but I'm guessing that it isn't).

It's not really a double personality. It's just one addiction with many facets trying to protect itself and maintain the status quo.

Soulful

I felt like running away today. I came back from a business trip with my son and he tried to hug me and pretend nothing happened. Then he wanted to have dinner together "as a family" and then he proceeded with: "what's the big deal, why are you still mad at me?"

The feeling of despair is unbearable at time, but I figured God has a plan for me and as long as I keep it together for another 24 days, I will eventually get my head above water.

SparkleKitty

I am sorry this is so difficult. Is there anyway to move up your separation? Can you and your son get away from the house until it is time for him to return to Canada?

Time and distance are the best things for the confusion you are feeling living in the middle of the chaos. Sending you strength and patience.

BeachPlease

This is so true but can also be hard to do. However, once you're able to do it, it really clears your thoughts. His actions tell all.

My ex would go through cycles like that. Sometimes he kept his word. More often, he did not. You trust, but you kinda know you can't. It's a horrible feeling, because you KNOW you're not crazy, but you feel like it.

Keep your and your son's future in mind. Think about restoring your and your son's well being and you can press on until separation is possible without feeling like you're losing it.

OpheliaKatz

Ignore what he says. Really tune it out. Look at what he does. My ex used to do this too. Every time we had a couple's counseling session, he would suddenly be super affectionate and considerate, particularly when we were on the way to the counseling office. He would be like this even if he had been ignoring me all week, even if he had been high all week. If we had to be somewhere and look like a couple, he would suddenly be nice... unless it was in front of people he wanted to impress, then he would strategically put me down in front of them. Once, on the way to a couple's counseling session, I wanted to bring up some examples of times he had gaslighted me, and how I felt unhappy about some of the ways he had treated me, and he saw that I was not smiling on the way there. He asked me what was wrong. I said that I was worried about our relationship and I wanted to discuss it in the session. This made him have a public melt-down and he ran off and then sent me abusive text messages saying that he refused to travel with someone who wasn't smiling because that just made him feel depressed and made him have to "self-medicate" because he was depressed. He ran off and got high. So basically... he would PICK fights with me JUST so he had an excuse to get high. I literally felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time. At the time I thought, damn, I am a real jerk, making this poor guy feel depressed (I mean, he had been diagnosed with depression), but the full story (that I've only recently realized) is that not only does he have depression, he is an addict and also frankly incredibly selfish and entitled.

Your husband is trying to be nice so that 1) you will feel guilty about breaking up, and this is a power trip for him, making you feel bad, 2) you change your mind, so that he can continue with the status quo and not have a life change interrupt his drugging/drinking, 3) he can blame you for his choice to drug/drink because you "stress him out", 4) he looks like the "good guy" in front of the kids. 5) Some part of him does love his family BUT he is too selfish to let you guys live the lives you deserve, so he is trying to hold on to you for his own benefit. 6) He's deluded and thinks he's a decent human being... except he forgot to act like one hundreds of times, so he's acting like he's cramming for a test and this is high school.

I got all those behaviors/ reasons from seeing my ex act like that.

This is very manipulative behavior. You are dealing with someone who never self-actualized and is emotionally a child (okay that was harsh, I don't know your husband, I'm just describing my ex). You are not crazy. You never were. He wants to turn the lights down slowly and when you ask about it, he'll say you're going blind. Trust yourself! You can do it. I know you can. Be strong. Be strong for your son and you. The two of you (mother and child) have a happier future ahead of you if you play this game right. No one on SR thinks you're crazy. I don't.

OpheliaKatz

This exactly. He's one guy, being manipulative. The intermittent cycle of reward (being nice) and punishment (being drugged) creates an addiction (you become a junkie for the reward phase) and is its own special category of domestic abuse. I learned this from a domestic violence counselor: 1) abuse is not just physical violence, it is also gaslighting and always having to walk on eggshells around someone, 2) abusers cycle through phases of being the victim, being abusive because they feel sorry for themselves and blame others for their self-destructive behavior, being contrite and this is when they might bring you flowers, try to hug you, try to do things to make you happy, then they have a clam period where things seem normal, but all the while they are just building up to the next outburst of externalized self-hate where they have another overdose, scream at you, punch you, whatever.

Look at his actions, not his words. Words are cheap. I can give you 1000 words right now about a bull and what it does after it's eaten.

Having said that, I loved someone who behaved like the description above for years and years. It is hard to leave and I will not judge you no matter what choice you make. I just want you to know, you are not crazy for wanting to leave him. He makes you feel that way because he lies. He's lying to himself too. Every time a bit of the truth about himself starts to emerge, he'll snuff it out with drugs/drink... or lies.

OpheliaKatz

One thing that helped me is to try to live ten seconds at a time. Also, if it's at all possible, can you separate sooner? Try to look after yourself while you organize your separation because I can see things getting very messy. If you husband is manipulative, he is likely to eventually become vindictive.

This is just self care. Try to: eat well, sleep well, get some light exercise, make sure you back up ALL your files, get your finances in order and reach out to people for help that you feel you can trust. Even if you've not spoken to someone for a long time, reach out to them for help. I was so isolated in my relationship that when things got really bad, I became desperate and finally talked about what was going on to people who were just acquaintances. Yet if not for their kindness, I would still be in the relationship, trying to juggle elephants. People were kind where I didn't expect them to be. You probably will also be surprised at the people who don't understand or are judgemental -- ignore them, they have lived a charmed life and don't "get" it or they "get it" and are scared.

Soulful

I think I read your responses over 20 times today. I actually create a document with responses I get from these forums, because never in my life have I finally felt "understood" like I am when receiving your advices.

I put my son in after school program until 5pm for two reasons:

1. He can avoid feeling the tension and ******** that is going on in the home, focus on his homework and be with his friends and he teachers he loves.
2. My AH didn't even realize why I did it, I just simply wanted to remove this kid out of a very abusive situation and a crappy home environment. I didn't want my son to hear my AH take shots or cause any issues. I am working very hard at being civil, but my AH is pushing as many buttons as possible, so the best thing I can do is ignore, avoid and not answer. This is very mentally and emotionally draining and I don't want to take this out on my son.

I think we can handle 24 more days. My AH said he will be out by Dec 1 or Dec 14th at the latest, but I know his game very well, he will NOT be out by Dec 1st and on Dec 14th, he will not pack all his crap, and he will do everything in his power to change my mind.

It's ok, I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow and see what options I have, but as far as I know, I got 24 days of this madness.

atalose

Those do not sound like the words of someone who is planning on moving out anytime soon. What is so magical about Dec 1 or Dec 14th? And what’s to say he will actually move out? Does he have a place to move to? Do you have a plan B in the event he does in fact NOT move out?

Soulful

He wanted to talk today about us today. I really didn't want to, but I figured I would give my 10 minutes out of my time. Big mistake. Same old ******* denying and pointing fingers...

He asked if I want to work on the marriage and I said, that I have been for the last 6 years. He also still denied that he did cocaine.
I asked him to at least respect me and that if he can't admit it to me, to at least stop denying it. It hurts to hear he is asking to work on the marriage, but he can't even be honest with me. He just struggles with being truthful and that has been his biggest downfall.
He then said that he gets mad and I stress him out and that's why he does what he does.
Then he said that I am abusing him when I told him that he manipulates me and he lies to me. Also said that I have a lot of defects too and I have no right to judge him.
I suggested he should consider rehab and he laughed.

It was the most painful conversation ever and I have no idea how I am going to last. He laughed and said he found a place and will be moving out, but I doubt he will.

Dec 14th is when he is actually going back home to Toronto (we live in Mexico now) and he knows I will be changing the locks.

OpheliaKatz

Soulful, your ex's behaviors sound like my ex's behaviors. There are differences in details, but you're dealing with a manipulator here. You are NOT wrong. It is NOT your fault. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't change it, no matter how much he wants to make it your responsibility. It isn't your job to make him happy. He wants to make it your job. You are NOT abusing him. I got the "you're being abusive" nonsense too when I said I wanted him to consider rehab, "you're being abusive and controlling." Fair enough, it's his right to do what he wants to his body, but it's my right not to have to live with it and see it happen.

The question is, if he decides not to leave so you can't change the locks, what do you do? If he decides not to move out, what do you do? He might have an "incident" before he has to go, so that you can't change the locks as he's still in the house. You might have to consider leaving and leaving the house to him, literally, you might just have to take your son and run. Please see if you can contact any of your friends or family. Talk to someone that you think might be sympathetic, see if you can stay with them for a while, while you get your situation sorted out. The fact that this guy laughs at you really makes me think he doesn't respect you, and I think that's dangerous. If you are financially secure, I would just secretly pack everything and go when he's away from the house, leave him a note explaining things so that you can't be charged with kidnapping. Get a lawyer. Don't discuss it with him, don't discuss anything with him unless legally he has to know. Maybe my advice is not suitable, I don't know.

Soulful

Oh, he is definitely leaving. He HAS to. He has plane ticket booked and everything. His parents are expecting to see us. Except there will not be "us", there will only be him. We were flying different airlines too, luckily. Surprise darling, I am NOT coming to Toronto!

Also, he has to go to his work function, because:

1. That's the only thing that gives him money
2. He usually parties hard at the work function because the work gives him a hotel room for two nights, he doesn't want to miss THAT

He will just want to come back afterwards, but he can't get in the home. Let's see what the lawyer says tomorrow. I was supposed to see her today, but I had a bunch of fires to put out at work, so we rescheduled first thing at 8am tomorrow.

Sasha1972

What a mess! I can just imagine that you're counting days if not hours - 23 days until he leaves, 22 days, 21 days, etc. Eventually it will be 1 day, and then 0, and then he will be gone.

I agree with the other posters that keeping yourself physically, as well as mentally and emotionally, distant from him will be important in the upcoming few weeks.

One mind trick I used when I was in a similar count-down situation was to tell myself "I'm living in the future - I'm just visiting the present moment". I know this is the opposite of what Al Anon says (stay in the present, don't be distracted by ruminating about things you can't control), but I found that the more I sort of mentally projected myself into an imagined future in which I no longer had to share space with a mean alcoholic, the easier it was to get through the days in between.

Soulful

I like this trick, I have been using it a little, I am kind of planning how to redo the room into an office for my business and thinking of fun things to do with my son in the upcoming months.

Thank you everyone, this forum has been my biggest support so far.

tomsteve

He just struggles with being truthful and that has been his biggest downfall.
someone that is in denial cant be truthful- its part of untreated alcoholism/addiction.

stay strong and keep him outta yer hulahoop,eh?

firebolt

It makes me so happy to know that you are planning what life is gonna be like, what your home is going to be like. One foot in front of the other - we're all cheering you on!