Stressed541

My husband of 2 years has a drinking problem. He usually has a 6 pack of beer every single day. More on his days off. I was a bit crazy about counting his beers and how fast he would drink them. He started sneaking beers. He'd tell me he had to call someone back and I'd find him outside with a new tall can. He is emotionally unavailable and our son and I come second to his drinking. He is only happy if he's drinking or knows he will be getting a drink shortly. When he drinks I can't stand him. He's combative and unkind. Has no drive and is fine being stagnant in life. He takes no active roll in parenting but at night when he's drinking decides to be the disciplinary.
I live for mornings when he's sweet and sober.
We've recently Had a bit of a break through. He told me right before my parents came out for a visit that alcohol and our marriage don't work together and he needs to stop drinking. He said he was going to stop after they left. Well they left and he came home with beer saying he would only drink on his days off. It's been 3 days of no beer and it's been more miserable then when he was drinking. He comes home sits on a chair in the kitchen and pouts like a child. Says he feels grounded in his own home. It's causing so much anxiety I'm starting to have physical symptoms. My sons afraid of him because it's so obvious he's unhappy.
I feel like he's being extra miserable as a way to manipulate me into thinking alcohol is better then this. But I refuse to cave.

I just don't know if I should stick it out and hope he sees the light (there have been so many broken promises) so that my son grows up in an intact home or do I cut my losses and not stick around for the downward spiral and abuse that I'm sure will come with it.
If you could do it all over what would you do ?

Soulful

If I could do it all over again, I would have never dated my AH, marry him, or have a child.

Southl

I am a functioning alcoholic and have stopped drinking 3 days ago too.
For me I had to come to a point where I wanted to stop drinking not for anything else but myself. I’d made promises to people (mainly my fiancé) for many different reasons all at the same time as thinking I never had a problem with drink but rather people had a problem with me drinking! I had to come to a point where I wanted to stop for me! If his been more miserable it could be a sign of withdrawal symptoms or cravings maybe or just that he didn’t want to stop. I couldn’t advise on whether to stick in there or not but if his actively trying to stop maybe support him in that, symptoms apparantley don’t last too long so maybe the miserableness will fade away with the withdrawal symptoms or maybe there was always or even just recently developed a problem with depression, for myself this is the case that I was depressed before I started drinking, I really hope for him and your family he sticks it out 👍🏽

Challenger2013

Until or unless he admits it’s a problem it is liable to get worse. I’m not telling you to leave or stay, only you can decide that. Unless he gets violent, then get out and call the cops.

I just filed divorce papers on Monday. I’ve agonized over it for two years, ever since my STBXAW was arrested for DUI with our 10yo DS in the car. Along with leaving the scene of an accident. She didn’t realize she had hit another vehicle. Luckily no one was injured. Looking back I should have ended it there because the last two years have been torture.

It is never going to be easy. You love this person, but the alcohol has warped them.
See a therapist for yourself and try to get him to a marriage counselor.

Stressed541

A

dandylion

Stressed....the parts of your post that hit me hard is about the fact that your son is scared of him, and he is disciplinary when he is drinking and that you are so stressed that you are having physical symptoms. I consider all of this seri ous...it is about human suffering of you and the child.
I agree that seeing a counselor for yourself to help you in the decision making...but, I respectfully do NOT suggest that you see a marriage counselor with him.....Why?...Because most therapists will not even see a couple until and unless the addiction (alcohol or drugs) is taken care of. Individual counseling is generally what is suggested in this situation.....
For the alcoholic...a rigorous program of sobriety is suggested...A Program.
From what you write,,,it seems that he is not ready for this....that he wants to do it himself....That is likely to make his recovery much, much less l ikely....

I am going to give you the following link to an article that may be helpful for you to gauge how likely he is to reach for recovery at this juncture....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

velma929

My high functioning alcoholic husband got worse and worse over the years. When he died, he had been fired from three jobs in six years. Not telling you what to do, just relating my experience with a [formerly] high functioning alcoholic.

Late AH wasn't abusive per se, but had a remarkable ability to pick fights over anything. If I agreed with him, he'd change sides. At the end, I didn't speak unless spoken to, and limited my response to "Mmmm-hmm."

Stressed541

According to your link he's full of crap. Which is what I already thought. I want to be hopeful he'll change this but I don't want to be delusional and waste years of my life. I have my first al anon meeting on Monday and an appointment with a counselor.

Maudcat

Hi, Stressed.
Welcome.
Please try to read the links that Dandy sent you.
Knowledge is power.
Couple of things: I grew up in an alcoholic household, and I believe that the experience shaped me and my decisions, not in a good way, for a long, long time.
Children deserve to be safe and comfortable in their homes, even if it is with one loving parent.
Your spouse sounds like a bully when the drink takes hold.
Not at all uncommon, but please, please protect your child.
I would suggest getting some support, in the form of Al-Anon or counseling with someone experienced in addiction in families.
Good luck.
P.S. General thinking round here is that “high functioning” is a stage, not a type.
Many people feel that because they work and don’t get fired they are high functioning.
Alcohol addiction is progressive.
It will get worse unless he stops drinking.
Good luck and good thoughts.

TropicalWinter

I always go back to a quote I heard a while back - it's better for a child to come FROM a broken home than live IN one. An "intact home" with an alcoholic is just a façade, and everyone suffers, especially children who have no choice in the matter.

Bekindalways

Good on you Stressed for getting to an alanon meeting and seeking counseling.

Most of us have found that we can change ourselves for the better no matter what the addict in our life is doing and in the long run our own self changes are what matter the most.

I left my qualifier although he was promising he would never use again. Somehow I knew that this was not how sobriety worked. He actually did achieve sobriety years after I left and was never involved in a program. However he did wind up spending 3 years in jail and probably should have gone to prison.

Let us know how the alanon meeting goes. I hope you find lots of support here.

Stressed541

He just called to tell me he's coming home with beer. I'm exhausted.

LostinLB

You asked "If you could do it all over what would you do ?"
my answer would be - leave.

It is simple and it is the truth.

ukiah77

I completely relate to everything you're going through. The 6 pack quickly turned into a 12 pack. We have been on this rollercoaster now for 14 years. The empty promises of cutting back and quitting were just that, empty. If I had to do it all over again, I would have never married him or had children with him.

Bekindalways

I'm sorry but not surprised that he has gone back to drinking. Without a program most do and even with a program sobriety is dicey.

It is usually advised to think hard about what you want out of life and come up with a plan for yourself in the likely event that he continues to drink and get worse.

Courage to you lady. This is not a situation for sissies . . . sigh.

atalose

________________________________________
There’s nothing delusional about him bringing the beer home, it’s reality and he’s telling you, showing you that isn’t going to be changing anytime soon.

Glad you are seeking out counseling and going to give al-anon a try.

maia1234

I hate to say it, it is not only his downward spiral, they take you and the kids with.

Imo, I would get out and soon. We wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. For what, till they hit rock bottom. They don't hit rock bottom with a wife and kids and a home that you take care of. We think they will, but thy just don't see the light until a catastrophic event. (And that is always hopefull) Education is power to make the right choices for you and your kids. Hugs..

thousandwords53

I found your post very relatable.
The sudden interest in discipline while drinking in contrast to the usual disinterest in general parenting duties...son being scared/uncomfortable around him...broken promises/chipping away at changes - stating that after parents visit he will stop, then it's only on days off...etc. Your intuition may be spot on, about him pouting in a passive aggressive way, to sway the status quo back in his favor...I welcome you to read back onto my threads. It was heavily suggested to me, both here on SR and by my therapist that this isn't /wasn't an alcoholic problem, necessarily, deep down, but more of a personality disorder/lack of recovery/abuse issue...just some thoughts to consider. Absorb all you can here!

honeypig

Regarding the "high-functioning alcoholic" thing, here is a thread you might find useful: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-re-post.html ("Functional Alcoholic" re-post)

XAH has always been what would be called "high functioning" too--he held a job (still does), didn't stagger, slur, puke in the sink or pee in the living room, and in fact it was almost impossible for me to tell if he'd been drinking in most cases. However, he did lie to me almost from day one of our 21-year relationship, 19 of which we were married. He spent money out of our savings w/o my knowledge or consent. He secretly drank as well as secretly smoking cigarettes after telling me he'd quit. He didn't remember things we talked about, most of the time was emotionally unavailable. And he lied, on and on, about being in recovery. He pretended to go to AA meetings for 4 years. FOUR YEARS!

Eventually we divorced. After the anger and pain subsided and I got further into my own recovery via SR and Alanon, I began to have contact w/him again. We are now 2 years post divorce, and while he still holds a job and (apparently) pays his bills and so on, whenever I see him, his hands shake. Very recently he broke down crying and told me he really needed to get sober, b/c the alcohol was affecting him so much physically--he hadn't been able to keep his breakfast down that day. I asked what actions he'd taken and what his plan was. Well, he'd dumped his bottle, and his plan--his WHOLE plan--was to "stop drinking." No meetings of any kind, no therapy, no means of support, no nothing, b/c "AA doesn't work" and he "doesn't want to deal with people." This has been the pattern for the past many years (8? 9? more? can't even recall...), and I expect it will work about as well as it has so far.

Does my heart hurt for him? Do I feel afraid that things are going to gain momentum and the next call will be from the hospital? Of course. I would chop off my right hand if it would save him--but the difference now is that I know that it won't. His life is his, and he gets to make his own decisions and live w/the consequences of them, just as I get to make and live w/the consequences of mine.

I hope you find something useful in my story, Stressed, and I hope even more that you take the time to read around the forum and especially to read the stickies that dandy linked you to. I'm glad you're looking into Alanon--for me, SR and Alanon were a really powerful combo to get me headed down the recovery trail.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

HTown

I made a lot of promises to quit drinking. I meant every one of them, but I could not quit. I would quit for my ex and be angry because it was not my idea. She lost all respect for me. I was a great provider, but she stayed and lived her own life without me in it really. Finally, I asked her to leave, I chose the drinking. I was lonely in my own home, but I did not realize it was because of my behaviour, not hers.
That took 7 years.
Fast forward, I have been sober over 1.5 years and life has never been better. I had to do that on my own. I had to be ready. Do not waste the 7 years with him it took me to get sober. Take care of yourself and child first.