How do we get through this latest
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
How do we get through this latest
My exah phoned me 3 weeks ago to tell me he had to have some x rays as he had "terrible pain" in his hip for months. He had the x ray and was told to see his doctor the next day cos the radiographer was not happy with what she saw. I kind of blew this off as him probably needing a hip replacement and forgot about it until he texted yesterday.
He been back in hospital and he has bone cancer. It's secondary and he's been tested to see where the cancer started. It not looking good for him. He said he is sorry for all the s**t he started and caused me. I knew then he was drunk lol.
So it hit us all he's really on his way out after all the wack a mole times he been ill and got through it this time he has the big one. I feel sad that this addiction causes so much misery for him and for us and sad he is drinking more than ever as he now has nothing to lose cos he's lost it all.
Our son's are subdued one moment and then one is more agitated then normal and one a bit shouty. Their sisters got angry with me cos they thought I'd sat on the news but I hadn't. One phoned him but he didn't answer. She's really upset. I am bone weary. We just moved house which was the most stressful move I've ever done and every single frustrating thing that could go wrong did and now this. The weirdest thing is my hip is really hurting. Like I've come out in sympathy.
He been back in hospital and he has bone cancer. It's secondary and he's been tested to see where the cancer started. It not looking good for him. He said he is sorry for all the s**t he started and caused me. I knew then he was drunk lol.
So it hit us all he's really on his way out after all the wack a mole times he been ill and got through it this time he has the big one. I feel sad that this addiction causes so much misery for him and for us and sad he is drinking more than ever as he now has nothing to lose cos he's lost it all.
Our son's are subdued one moment and then one is more agitated then normal and one a bit shouty. Their sisters got angry with me cos they thought I'd sat on the news but I hadn't. One phoned him but he didn't answer. She's really upset. I am bone weary. We just moved house which was the most stressful move I've ever done and every single frustrating thing that could go wrong did and now this. The weirdest thing is my hip is really hurting. Like I've come out in sympathy.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Aw Ladybird, I'm so sorry to hear that.
My FIL got the diagnosis of prostate cancer years ago. It had already spread to his bones and was inoperable. He was given 18 months to live. He was treated though, with different regimens. He read up on it and drastically changed his diet. He ended up living another 10 years, to the age of 89. For most of the 10 years, up until the last few months of his life he was weakened by the treatments (not to mention being in his 80s) but felt generally okay.
I wish you all strength and peace.
My FIL got the diagnosis of prostate cancer years ago. It had already spread to his bones and was inoperable. He was given 18 months to live. He was treated though, with different regimens. He read up on it and drastically changed his diet. He ended up living another 10 years, to the age of 89. For most of the 10 years, up until the last few months of his life he was weakened by the treatments (not to mention being in his 80s) but felt generally okay.
I wish you all strength and peace.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
very sorry for the news and hoping for the best of outcomes. let the children work thru this as they will, don't try to influence their thoughts or feelings. everyone reacts differently to "bad" news.
more will be revealed and then your course will become more clear.
again, very sorry.
more will be revealed and then your course will become more clear.
again, very sorry.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I'm so sorry Ladybird.
What Anvilhead said is so true. When my mom got diagnosed, I spent way too much energy trying to manage my sister's grief and emotions and all it got me in the end was two cracked teeth.
People are going to feel what they feel, and it's up to them to decide how to act upon those feelings.
When my mom and dad got diagnosed, they had a social worker who helped me through some of the toughest periods, even though I was not a patient. In the UK, there is Macmillan Cancer Support. Those resources may be available for your children and perhaps even you. Ironically enough, it was that very same social worker who brought to my attention that there was a strong likelihood my sister was most likely continuing her drug habit, despite her protestations.
You have gone through a lot this year, and now this. Hugs to you!
What Anvilhead said is so true. When my mom got diagnosed, I spent way too much energy trying to manage my sister's grief and emotions and all it got me in the end was two cracked teeth.
People are going to feel what they feel, and it's up to them to decide how to act upon those feelings.
When my mom and dad got diagnosed, they had a social worker who helped me through some of the toughest periods, even though I was not a patient. In the UK, there is Macmillan Cancer Support. Those resources may be available for your children and perhaps even you. Ironically enough, it was that very same social worker who brought to my attention that there was a strong likelihood my sister was most likely continuing her drug habit, despite her protestations.
You have gone through a lot this year, and now this. Hugs to you!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Ugh Ladybird, you must be going through an amazing bunch of emotions on this one and you just moved. No wonder you are so tired.
Please please do everything you can to take care of yourself. . . . . hmmm . . . .I'm always saying this to people here and I know I don't take very good care of myself. I'm going to do some exercise, meditation and then toast you and your family with a big glass of water. Let me know if you feel any good juju coming your way from this?
Please please do everything you can to take care of yourself. . . . . hmmm . . . .I'm always saying this to people here and I know I don't take very good care of myself. I'm going to do some exercise, meditation and then toast you and your family with a big glass of water. Let me know if you feel any good juju coming your way from this?
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Thank you all for your kind replies and support. I guess it hit me hard cos the consequences of his addictions are now so glaring. He's gone from 6 beers a night to near death in 22 years. He's going to die and he has nearly achieved his aim of drinking himself to death. The cancer originated in his stomach and is fairly classic for alcoholics and especially 60 a day smokers. He's had the symptoms for years so the outlook is very bleak for him. He wants to die. He's never been happy...not as a child or adult...not ever. I pity him while I stand back and watch but not get involved. My focus is on his kids now and making our new house a home and concentrating on my uni degree. I feel hollow inside tho. I want to wipe out the last 25 years but of course I can't.
I know we will be OK. My son's will rage and scream and act out but eventually we will be OK again.
I know we will be OK. My son's will rage and scream and act out but eventually we will be OK again.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
let the children work thru this as they will, don't try to influence their thoughts or feelings. everyone reacts differently to "bad" news.
There is a great book called "Tear Soup - A Recipe for Healing After Loss". It's a beautifully illustrated book that talks about this exact thing - how we all heal & grieve differently & on separate timelines. I give a copy to ever client for every life-altering event.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Am struggling tbh. My son's are finding this so difficult and are getting aggressive and refusing to help in the house. On top of it all one son is the subject of a safeguarding protocol started at a church he attends due to inappropriate behaviour of an older woman towards him. I am beyond upset about this. I want to rip her limb from limb but have to play nice until all the evidence is in place 
I come home after a 12 hour day to a complete mess. Hungry cats, bin bags ripped open all over the kitchen floor as noone has taken them out to the garbage bin, parcel cards, cos noone has answered the door, a sink full of unwashed pots. Piled up laundry. I am having to drag shopping home on my way, usually in the pouring rain, and I still have had no time to get curtains up or someone to connect the gas cooker and when I ask for help from the boys I just get verbal abuse. I am considering deferring/dropping out of my uni course cos something has to give. I submitted my draft assignment instead of the completed one by accident and it feels like the final straw. The uni won't let me resubmit. I just feel spread too thin and noone is getting the best from me now.
I come home after a 12 hour day to a complete mess. Hungry cats, bin bags ripped open all over the kitchen floor as noone has taken them out to the garbage bin, parcel cards, cos noone has answered the door, a sink full of unwashed pots. Piled up laundry. I am having to drag shopping home on my way, usually in the pouring rain, and I still have had no time to get curtains up or someone to connect the gas cooker and when I ask for help from the boys I just get verbal abuse. I am considering deferring/dropping out of my uni course cos something has to give. I submitted my draft assignment instead of the completed one by accident and it feels like the final straw. The uni won't let me resubmit. I just feel spread too thin and noone is getting the best from me now.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
That all sounds very tough and draining ladybird - and mean of the uni not to allow you to resubmit
things will get better again - hang in there and don’t drop out just yet - maybe the Christmas break will give you a much needed breather (at least from the studies).
I’m also working on a uni assessment, last one this semester - feeling your pain!
Warmest wishes being sent your way
things will get better again - hang in there and don’t drop out just yet - maybe the Christmas break will give you a much needed breather (at least from the studies).
I’m also working on a uni assessment, last one this semester - feeling your pain!
Warmest wishes being sent your way
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 23
Ladybird, sending you lots of warmth and strength as you try to manage through. So sorry for all these turmoils all at once. You sound like a very strong person - taking so much on, move, caring for kids and uni degree. I believe you'll persevere. Don't drop out..even if you do badly, just getting through will remind you that you've got this! Hugs!!
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