SoSad2Bad

So what I’m reading and hearing is... it’s over. I’ve lost him to his addictions and me and my children are basically screwed. All I can really do is pack them up and leave before it gets worse Even if he were to quit he wouldn’t be the same man I married. He would just be sober but still broken. What do I tell our children when I pack them up and leave him ? Y’all I can’t deal with this. I can’t stay. I can’t leave. I’m beyond exhausted and I can’t take much more emotional abuse and now he’s starting in on our 8 year old son.

dandylion

SoSad2Bad....I don't know the details of your situation, outside of this post....but, from what you say, I can wager that your kids know much more than what you think they do. Parents almost always underestimate what kids are aware of. They may not know the reasons for things, but they know when something is wrong. And, especially, if he is "picking?" on t he kids.
Can I assume that the 8yr. old is the oldest child?
Make the explanation age appropriate and simple, is my suggestion. They will not ask you about complex dynamics of YOUR relationship.....
Kids take their security in short increments....like...where are we going to sleep? Can we take the dog? Can we order pizza for dinner?.....
They may feel grateful that you are m oving.....
It is typical for kids that they may take a while to voice any questions or concerns...later, a little bit at a time.
They will take their cues from you....if you don't project lots of anxiety and insecurity...they will feel much more secure...

It sounds like you and the kids are in a bad situation....it is always best to leave a bad situation than to stay in it...especially when children are involved.....

Berrybean

When I first got sober, I felt like it was the end of my life. I was so wrong. It was the beginning.

I know it is hard to see this at the moment, but walking away from your emotional abuser is actually turning a corner that leads to a new path. One that leads to a new and less painful existance. That emotional abuse is like (as another poster here noted) death by a thousand paper cuts. I suspect that once you are away from him and not having your emotional energy and confidence sapped by him you will feel much more able to deal with the challenge of rebuilding your life.

Are there any womens refuges that you could go to in the first instance? Where you will be safe, and can find out about things that might help you and your children, both practically and in emotional healing.

It might be worth checking out some AlAnon meetings as well. These aren't about changing the alcoholic, but about dealing with the stuff that entanglement with an alcoholic (partner or family member) entails.

I wish you and your children all the best. You'll be in my prayers.

BB

Seren

If your husband decided for himself to get sober, to seek recovery whether through groups or counseling, he *could* become the best version of himself--and it would take constant work over the rest of his life because addiction is a chronic condition and life-long recovery is its treatment.

Has he shown any signs of wanting to stop? If you talk to him about it does he get angry or does he bother to stop long enough to acknowledge your worries? Has he been to anyone to talk about this (doctor, counselor, etc.)?

Is he always verbally abusing you? Has this been going on your entire marriage? If so, how would "the same man you married" be an improvement or has the verbal abuse only begun as the alcoholism has progressed?

I will never tell you leave or stay. I will encourage you to protect your children (and yourself) who are now growing up in a home with active alcoholism in one parent and the verbal abuse of the other--and now of the oldest child.

You are the person who is living this situation (not the rest of us) and you are the only person who you can change your situation. You are not alone, however! There are many members here who can share their experience, strength, and hope with you!

I am sorry for all that brings you here...you are in the right place. Sending prayers of peace and clarity.

PuzzledHeart

SoSad, I lived in an incredibly unstable household. We were financially secure, but emotionally it was a completely different story. The abuse didn't happen every day, but what DID happen every day was the lurch in my stomach when I woke up, and the walking on eggshells as the day went on. Every day without incident was a sigh of relief, but every day was spent in a period of high alert.

You can try to justify that your AH's periods of sobriety are just enough to keep your son happy. I can tell you that even if he "only" goes on benders every three months it's too much. And your son is going to feel increasing pressure to "be good" in the effort to keep your AH on the straight and narrow. And that is unfair to inflict on an 8 year old kid. I remember trying to do that until I became a teenager. And then once I hit high school I made every effort to stay away from home. My sister, on the other hand, turned to drugs and alcohol, so here I am.

Others will chime in soon, but there are members here who stay in their marriages for the sake of the kids, only to find out years later that their children deeply resent them for NOT leaving.

Look, you don't have to leave right this instant. But what you CAN do is make it easy for yourself to actually make that choice. Talk to a lawyer, a Domestic Violence hotline, to see what you have to do. If you don't have a job, see what it will take to get one (and if your husband doesn't have life insurance - forget about the alcoholism for a moment - you need to do this anyway.) Even if you're doing Amazon Turk, hey, it's cash and small amounts add up! Just keep it discreet and funnel it into your own separate savings account so your husband doesn't burn through it.

More information is always better. I'm sorry that you're in this situation, but I'm glad you found SR.

Mango blast

It's over for me. The old viewpoints, the old doubts, the old fears.

I see my own inner light growing stronger, my emotional and physical muscles getting stronger, my 10 year old son absolutely coming into his own and both of us enjoying life.

It's a journey. One day at a time.

My husband is on his own path. It isn't one I want to be on with him. It's one that has stifled, hurt and traumatized us. It's HEALTHY for my son and I to be apart from him right now... and probably for quite some time in the future. I'm okay with that. If our marriage ever has a chance to come together, it's not by me staying inside the hurricane.

The process of change hurts. No lie. It also brings goodness beyond what I could have imagined... yet I kept hearing stories about this here and am now experiencing it myself.

As we each take our own path, we find what resonates with us personally. That is HUGE. Development of our instincts and learning to trust ourselves. (((Hugs)))

NYCDoglvr

What Alanon helped me do was to focus on just doing the next right thing, to stop seeing it globally. It's a huge trauma, I know, but you can minimize the impact a bit by making lists and trying to only see what's in front of you. My heart goes out to you.

maia1234

Just exhausting my friend.

Your head is spinning. Education is power. Hit some meeting, maybe a therapist and take some deep breaths. We all know we can't keep living like this so change has to come. The problem is that we don't have the knowledge or the strength to execute it. So good, then dont do something rash.

Do your homework, take your time and in time the decision will fall into place and you will have the strength to complete what you need to do. I use to say the serenity prayer a 1000 times a night, when I couldnt sleep. Sending prayers to you today that things will be ok. Hugs!!

OpheliaKatz

What Puzzheart said. You need to protect yourself and your children. I understand that leaving is difficult, but if you do leave, it will get better for you and your kids will be better off. I hope you can find some way to attend some meetings for friends and family of addicts.

I know someone who came from a family with violence and addiction. His father was a drinker. His father also was violent. This person grew up and developed debilitating depression, became an addict, and became abusive and eventually violent towards their spouse... and so the cycle continues. Yes, I'm talking about my AH(stbx).

You need a lot of strength. You need to save the kids. Save you, save the kids. Be strong. The temptation to stay, to hold on to hope, can be counter-intuitively tragic. The temptation to stay or go back to hope is hard to break. I struggle with it myself.