Soulful

I mean really. I tend to think that I have a very good intuition, I am a good judge of character and I usually don't settle in life.

Yet I fell head over heels over my AH and I have definitely settled when it comes to my values. What was it? Did I think I could change him?
Did I enjoy the risky behaviour of trying to turn a "bad" guy into a good guy? Was it the "fun" we had at the beginning?

What in the world was it? The whole thing was messy from the beginning, but I stayed in it. Look at how messy it was: I was married to someone. I cheated on that person with my AH. I left my then ex-husband to be with AH.

We were dating at work, the excitement of hiding our relationship from coworkers, from family and friends? Holding hands under the table so noone knows?

When all of this "excitement" was gone and decided to settle down, get married, have a child... all of this wasn't good enough for him anymore. I grew up and the birth of my son changed me and changed everything.

I feel like this was all my fault. I should have known better. The whole thing was toxic from the beginning and it's 100% my fault I lowered any type of boundaries, self-respect and integrity.

How do I even begin to forgive myself?

hopeful4

I did the same thing. I have asked myself the same things over and over. I have learned that I was not at my own peak maturity then. I did not know about codependency. I did not have the knowledge I have now. I did not have children, who should change you, and for the better.

I think you have to look at the good and give yourself a break. It does not matter what has happened in the past ultimately. It is what you decide to do with your future that matters.

Huge hugs.

HardLessons

I asked myself this same question this morning as I was getting ready for work.

I was thinking about the fact that she is what she is. In my case she was that way from the start (and many years before) But what the heck was I thinking. For years & from the very start what was I thinking, doing, & why? Was it her fault or was it really mine? I'm not looking for a justification to blame her.

Thanks

Maudcat

I have been in a toxic relationship or two, and I have often asked myself why I stayed.
With many years away from it, I have to say that I stayed not because of the person, but of the dream of the life I envisioned with that person.
I think that is what keeps a lot of us stuck in bad relationships.
We are addicted to potential.

Soulful

The potential is what makes a lot of sense to me. My AH's potential was amazing and I truly was enamoured of the idea. When the idea never became reality, I slowly started to deflate elephants, one by one, but at the same time, I also deflated my self-esteem, slowly and slowly.

I think I have a lot of self-forgiving to do and I have no idea where to start.

Soulful

I didn't know about codependency either and it truly scared me to find out I was a classic case the first time I kicked my AH out. I still took him back, 2 more times... which makes it hard to forgive myself, because everytime I took him back, he disrespected me even more.

Girl1101

Fancy thinking on both sides.

I fell for the potential, but now I realize its not even close to potential.
I just kept imagining the person doing and living life the way I want it.

He also was into the fancy thinking, and said he would definitely live that way. I guess he also liked the thought of being with someone he didn't think he could be with realistically.

Realistically, the kind of girl he would be with would be a drug addict as well. I really cannot see it happening any other way. Just a very passive relationship, probably casual, and where both understand the drug comes first, and the person second. Probably wouldn't work realistically either.

All the feelingsy stuff happened in the talking part. Now I know, actions, actions, actions.

OpheliaKatz

This was exactly what happened to me too. I'm a bit of a dreamer, and I was in a vulnerable position when I met my addict. I fell for the potential, and he wanted someone that he thought was a "reach" (someone who didn't do drugs, who he thought was smart... etc.) He was also quite manipulative, because I wasn't sure about him to begin with... he kind of wore me down. It was fancy, unrealistic thinking. In the end, I feel like I grew up. I don't think he did. I think he found the solution to his life in drugs.

Soulful

Yep, this ^. I also felt like the only way I can get close to him is if we got drunk together, stoned or lure me into taking ecstasy together because "MDMA is shown to save marriages". Saying no to my AH became a psychological war, because he made me feel guilty for not wanting to have fun anymore, so I had to come up with health excuses to avoid doing them.

I am 100% responsible (and feeling guilty) for doing them when I did, because I didn't want to. I wanted to be close to him.

OpheliaKatz

Oh my gosh. My ex used to say this to me too "MDMA is shown to save marriages". We used to have arguments because I always said no to drugs. I lived with him for a decade and still have not taken any drugs and I'm actually proud of that, because he did pressure me, he even called me "ignorant". Looking back, I think we had different values. I also stayed because I had no deal breakers.

Soulful

We did it, but I was at a point in my life that my party days were over. I was interested in raw foods and juicing and cleaning myself and he just moved out of his parent's home (at 27!!!!) and had his own place, which was a party place. Heavy drugs. When we moved in together, he promised he would slow down, except he didn't, he would just not bring those people over our place. He would always tell me: you are always getting mad at me, I could never have friends over because of you.