Findthequestion

After I've read the posts, I totally realize I'm where I need to be. 4 years with a dual, we have a daughter together. I'm also an adult child of both parents being dual addicts. So, yep total fail with doing this like I should. My "husband" spends the time to tell me, it's all me, it's my fault, when I confront him about behavior that's wrong, you know the whole 101 reasons to run to the fellow addicts house to do the "it" as I call it. Last night I told him that I know he loves me, but I need for him to act like it sometimes. As I was crying, he was "it's your fault I drink and smoke. I don't care how you feel about me. I care about how you feel, but I am not going to change". It's always MY fault, because I'm crazy for even confronting his actions as wrong. His family has been told the truth once, they thought I was nuts. His car was impounded, ONE person believed me. He tells everyone it's my fault because I'm crazy, it's all in my head, something he said "triggered a behavior" is what his mother tells him. I know I cannot be angry, I have to do something though. I need to know how to deal in 5 days when he runs off to get smashed and leaves his daughter and I here alone on Thanksgiving without losing my mind

hopeful4

So, what are you actually getting out of this relationship? It sounds miserable. Maybe you and your daughter will actually have some peace if he leaves you alone. Research away. Of course he is going to blame you, he sure is not going to accept the responsibility for himself. He said the words, he is not going to change. That leaves only one person who can change, and that is you. You deserve more, and your daughter deserves more.

Do you have face to face support? If not, it's time to seek therapy to help you through this.

Hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone.

atalose

Why can’t you be angry? Anger can be a good motivator for change – change for YOU not him because the basic 101 of loving an alcoholic is that you cannot change them not with words, not with love not with understanding or anger. But you certainly can change yourself so that instead of making excuses like you can’t be angry you can learn that you do not have to accept unacceptable behavior.

Believe him when he says he’s not going to change!!!

Accept that this is who and how he is, that way you won’t be disappointed when the person you hope he could be doesn’t show up.

Ann

It doesn't matter what he thinks or says, he's an active addict. It doesn't matter if others believe you or not...you know what you "know" and that's valid and good enough.

It sounds like you have hit your "enough" point. You and your daughter deserve so much better than this.

One day soon you and your daughter could be living in peace somewhere else. It would hurt for a while but it hurts now where you are and the pain of leaving does not last forever.

Keeping you and your daughter in my prayers.