Bluefield

I've been dating a very beautiful person for 10 months now. He told me straight away he was sober and attends AA meetings regularly. We attend many functions where alcohol is served and he never shows a hint of temptation. He generously buys me and friends his old favourite pours. So what's the problem? All those AA meetings! Are they really necessary still? He believes he is powerless over the drink, but he's got over 20 years without a sip or slip. I thought that the point of recovery is to recover a life of purpose and meaningful growth. Yet with him feeling the need to run off to meetings 3 times a week (used to be every day), he's really unable to try new things. He believes alcoholism is a disease. I think the jury is still out on that, but it just seems he's transferred his dependency to meetings. Is that the way it's supposed to be? Thank you for letting me vent. I know that AA has helped many people, but I've attended a couple of meetings with him and know it wouldn't be right for me.

Berrybean

Well, he's still sober and he's happy in his sobriety. Chances are that's because he works his program. If you don't want to be with someone who feels the need to spend that time working on himself then perhaps you're best to quit this relationship while you're ahead. YES. Alcoholics do need to keep working on their recovery that long, and that's much easier with people who understand. I am the way I am now because on my recovery work. I've had weeks where I've let things slip and I don't make it to meetings or keep on top of my daily personal recovery stuff and it really did negatively impact the quality of my sobriety. If I was single and looking for a long term partner then I would be honest and try to help the person understand the importance of AA to my recovery, but if it came to a place where they were encouraging me to stop going then I'm afraid I would have to choose my recovery over them. Because you know what, without recovery and a healthy sobriety I'd be unbearable and lose them anyway. Perhaps he's the same.

Would you feel so miffed if he went to the gym 3 times a week? Or church? What, out of interest would YOU define as a life of purpose and meaningful growth? Chances are that he is focussing on living a life of integrity based on the principles of his recovery program. Principles like honesty, hope, faith, courage, willingness, and fellowship. These, in case you're unaware, don't come too easily to an alcoholic or anyone with an addictive personality. And chances are he has also been instrumental in others recovery over the years, which is very purposeful and rewarding. Helping others sure beats sitting around watching other people drink anyways!!

Presumably you're with him because you like him, so why try change him and his ways already?

It's probably worth you reading and posting in the friends and family of alcoholics area as well. https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

BB

PS Did you push for the every day to go to 3 days?

Dee74

Hi bluefield

I'd talk to him about it if its getting you annoyed.

D

MythOfSisyphus

He has to walk his own to sobriety, Bluefield. Addiction is horrible so if it's working for him then try to understand how important sobriety is and that not everyone makes it back like he has.

Chuck39

Please go back and reread your post. You've just met someone who has struggled and dedicated 2 decades of his life to his sobriety. So clearly he has demonstrated that that is his number one priority, as we all learn along this path. If you are not comfortable in the number two slot, or can make a concession that his sobriety has nothing to do with you, then let him be. You might find the meeting schedule cumbersome, but again, this is not your problem.

MindfulMan

Have you asked him what he thinks about his meetings and why he feels the need to attend three meetings a week after 20 years?

Nobody else can answer that but him.

AA might not be for you in your brief experience, but you might feel differently if you had gone through addiction and sobriety yourself. It’s not for everyone, I’m not sure it’s for me. But that’s not the point. What’s important is what he thinks and feels about it.

Ask him. None of us here can presume what works for someone to maintain sobriety. We can give what works for us, but if you ask 100 people you’ll get 100 different answers.

FLCamper

Bluefield, I applaud you for taking the time to find this website, register and ask this question.
Becky makes a good point: if had he lost a lot of weight and went to the gym to maintain it, would that bother you?
Since you didn't know this guy when he was drinking, you may not understand how far he has come and what it took for him to get here. No doubt, it was an ordeal for him.
The "oldtimers" who continue to attend AA meetings are essential for those who've just started going. They provide support, experience and guidance for the newly sober members. It also helps them to give back to others who are suffering the way they did. I've been to AA and there are a lot of others who still attend even after many, many years of sobriety.
Perhaps a candid conversation with your boyfriend might give you some insight. You might not like his absenses but if you understand his reason for going, you might not resent it.

entropy1964

All those AA meetings! Are they really necessary still?

Yes. If I want to stay in physical shape I need to work out at the gym at least 3 times a week....I work out daily. Church? For many that's at least once a week. I eat right daily, I sleep daily, I clean my house and keep up on my finances daily.....why wouldn't I recover daily?

Its a discipline. 3 hours a week is nothing when compared to the alternative. A life of insanity and/or death that you most definitely would not want to part of. I would ask yourself why this is a concern. Is it really the meetings or is the fact that he's an (holds nose and makes scrunchy face) 'alcoholic'?

Behappy1

I know his AA commitments may be frustrating. I’d ask you to read around here @ the devastation that alcohol causes in the lives of not only the alcoholic, but also the loved ones of the alcoholic. Visit the friends and family forum and read. Three nights a week, although may seem a lot is nothing compared to the alternative. I commend him for putting his sobriety #1. Believe me, you wouldn’t like the alternative.

That’s great that you’re reaching out and trying to understand. I hope that you won’t be offended or offput by some of the comments in this thread, but alcohol is and can be deadly.

SaturatedSeize

When I drank, I thought about alcohol every day. Now that I'm sober, I think about my sobriety and staying sober every day. Regardless of what side of the table you are on, it becomes YOUR LIFE. I was just having a conversation with a co-worker before I came here and I told them my sobriety is my number one priority right now even before my daughter, because I KNOW if I don't stay sober, I'll probably lose her, or be a terrible parent and role model.

This is his life, this is his happiness. Don't take that from him.

DreamCatcher17

He sounds amazing! He is working his program for himself, and you are upset about that? I know you are not the only one dealing with someone getting/being sober. Could you imagine your life if he relapsed and went to his old ways, probably not? This is the best for him so he can be the best to you.

talk to him about it.

ljc267

He has to do what he has to do.

I assume you're not an alcoholic, so it would be impossible for you to understand where he's been. I would try talking to him about it and ask him why he needs to go to AA 3 times a week.

If he feels it is keeping him sober then it is. Trust me you don't want to jeopardize that.

tekink

I have a business associate who had been sober 19 years.

A couple months ago my wife saw him barefoot, in tears, getting arrested for DUI.

andyh

think of the meetings as his beauty regime. he mightn't be so pretty without them.

Anna

It sounds to me like your boyfriend believes he has a life of purpose and meaningful growth. I am not an AA person, but recovery has given me a sense of purpose and a meaningful life. It sounds like this may not be the right person for you.

asixstringnut

Bluefield
I don't know the history of your boyfriends drinking but if he is like most of us on here three hours a week is nothing compared to how many hours a week you would be suffering if he was drinking actively.

Bluefield

Thank you all so very much for your replies. I appreciate each of them. It's true, I'm not an alcoholic and it's the first time I've ever known anyone in AA. My father used to drink and smoke for years and then he just decided to quit--and that was that. I'm reading more material on addictions and paying attention to good folks, like you, who know much more than I on this subject. And hey, listen... I certainly don't want to be the gal who would have caused him to lose his way. I will talk to him, perhaps when I'm better able to really listen. I just have this feeling that the dependency has shifted to other things and maybe there is some hidden pain that he's running from. Yes, I'd much rather see him in a basement AA meeting than barefoot, on the street and receiving a DUI. Ultimately, I'd like him to be able to feel confident in his sobriety. I didn't ask him to go to fewer meetings. He made that decision before I met him. I'll continue to do my homework and be as supportive as I can. Again, thank you all for taking the time to share from your heart. Your words have not fallen on on deaf ears.

HTown

[QUOTE=Bluefield;6676623 ......Ultimately, I'd like him to be able to feel confident in his sobriety. [/QUOTE]

You asked him to go somewhere with you and he refused because he had the commitment to AA, he has meetings he feels a part of, and it bothers you he chose those meetings over you.

You think he chose one addiction, alcohol, for another, AA meetings.

You equate his going to AA as a crutch and that he is not confident
in his sobriety.

You do him a great disservice. I am glad you did try a meeting with him, but you do not have to share every hobby, every activity. Likewise, he should be a little flexible if you want to travel or leave town and he misses a meetng. Maybe he could do an out of town meeting.

Think of it as he plays golf 3 times a week, don’t analyze it to death because it is AA.

I am not in AA, but it is give and take in any relationship. It is not all about you and your needs.

Berrybean

I too have switched from depending on alcohol (and other unhealthy and counterproductive habits) to depending on my recovery plan. And just like my non-alcoholic pal who's ikely to be on prescribed meds for the rest of her life, I'm willing to accept that I will need to continue to work on my recovery / take MY meds for the rest of my life as well, if I am not to get sick again.

Let me be clear - when I say 'sick' it doesn't even necessarily mean active alcoholism / drinking to me. It could mean that alcoholic way of thinking that takes over when I'm not working on my recovery. I remain IN recovery. In the lifeboat. The option is not there to say, 'yep - all better - my alcoholic brain has changed for good and I can stay sane and serene all alone'. I have accepted this with good grace - and sometimes nowadays I get to help steer that lifeboat and help others clambour in. AA is a fellowship. He is not 'going to' AA, he is 'part of' AA. It is run by alcoholics for alcoholics. It is his thing. Honestly, can't ya just work on finding some acceptance round this?

Have you read the Big Book yet?

BB

MythOfSisyphus

One more thing, Bluefield- it may well be that by now he does the meetings as much for other people as he does for himself. I have been sober for five years now, and to be honest I probably don't "need" SR to stay sober. But SR was here for me when I was at my lowest point so I want to 'pay it forward' and be the kind of influence for sobriety to others that they were for me.