Unexpected Clarity
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Unexpected Clarity
I was reading down the list of threads on this forum today and it struck me that perhaps 50% are questions or seeking information about why...why their addicts don't change....why they can't seem to let go...why this is happening at all....why is life so miserable right now...why?
I had a lot of questions when I first came here too, and at my meetings as well and it took me a very long time to let go of worrying about my son and his addiction and what HE was doing to my life...living in the questions. I lived in the questions until one day it was suggested to me by my sponsor that it was time to stop living in the questions and start living in the answers. She told me to stop living in the problem (my son's addiction) and start living in the solution (my own recovery)...or she would stop being my sponsor because there was no point.
That terrified me, she was my lifeline and my only hope for a better life....but it was only if I would listen to those who wisely shared what helped them, it was only (for me) when I began working the 12 steps as they applied to codependency and when I turned the focus onto my own recovery and away from my son's lack of recovery...that my life began to change.
I asked myself often "Am I part of the problem or part of the solution?" and was honest with myself when I answered (I learned that telling myself lies was never a good thing)
I am hoping others who have been where I have been will share here about how they themselves turned the corner and began living in their own solution and how it made their lives better.
Or maybe a newcomer will share how they plan to do this.
We often speak of our "Aha" moments when clarity brought us to a turning point in our lives. I think my sponsor's insistence that I get on with it was one of MY "aha" moments. I finally got that she couldn't lead me if I kept my heels dug in and continued to kick and scream.
What a relief it was to let go, to finally grasp that my recovery was about "ME" and not about manipulating my son into sobriety.
When I knew better, I did better.
This reading today made me think of this and I just wanted to share with each of you, what helped me may help you.
Something unexpected
Something unexpected will happen today. Decide right now that when it comes, you will treasure it.
Something will come along that you didn’t plan for, and at first you might feel anger, fear, annoyance, resentment. But look more closely, and see if there is some kind of new value you can gain from it.
You’re smart to anticipate and prepare for what is likely to occur. Yet you can also find great benefit in embracing what’s unlikely, unusual, unexpected.
Something unexpected can help you discover skills, preferences, ideas you never knew you could have. Something unexpected can nudge you to look at life from a new, more enlightened perspective.
It’s good to stay focused, but don’t be too quick to judge when something unexpected disrupts that focus. Every so often, disruption can be invigorating.
Be prepared for not being prepared, be expecting what you could never expect. And find a way that you can employ it to add new richness to your world.
— Ralph Marston
I had a lot of questions when I first came here too, and at my meetings as well and it took me a very long time to let go of worrying about my son and his addiction and what HE was doing to my life...living in the questions. I lived in the questions until one day it was suggested to me by my sponsor that it was time to stop living in the questions and start living in the answers. She told me to stop living in the problem (my son's addiction) and start living in the solution (my own recovery)...or she would stop being my sponsor because there was no point.
That terrified me, she was my lifeline and my only hope for a better life....but it was only if I would listen to those who wisely shared what helped them, it was only (for me) when I began working the 12 steps as they applied to codependency and when I turned the focus onto my own recovery and away from my son's lack of recovery...that my life began to change.
I asked myself often "Am I part of the problem or part of the solution?" and was honest with myself when I answered (I learned that telling myself lies was never a good thing)
I am hoping others who have been where I have been will share here about how they themselves turned the corner and began living in their own solution and how it made their lives better.
Or maybe a newcomer will share how they plan to do this.
We often speak of our "Aha" moments when clarity brought us to a turning point in our lives. I think my sponsor's insistence that I get on with it was one of MY "aha" moments. I finally got that she couldn't lead me if I kept my heels dug in and continued to kick and scream.
What a relief it was to let go, to finally grasp that my recovery was about "ME" and not about manipulating my son into sobriety.
When I knew better, I did better.
This reading today made me think of this and I just wanted to share with each of you, what helped me may help you.
Something unexpected
Something unexpected will happen today. Decide right now that when it comes, you will treasure it.
Something will come along that you didn’t plan for, and at first you might feel anger, fear, annoyance, resentment. But look more closely, and see if there is some kind of new value you can gain from it.
You’re smart to anticipate and prepare for what is likely to occur. Yet you can also find great benefit in embracing what’s unlikely, unusual, unexpected.
Something unexpected can help you discover skills, preferences, ideas you never knew you could have. Something unexpected can nudge you to look at life from a new, more enlightened perspective.
It’s good to stay focused, but don’t be too quick to judge when something unexpected disrupts that focus. Every so often, disruption can be invigorating.
Be prepared for not being prepared, be expecting what you could never expect. And find a way that you can employ it to add new richness to your world.
— Ralph Marston
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Thank you Ann. Your eloquence and experience help so many of us through the journey of releasing our guilt and codependence and embracing ourselves! I still find myself slipping into enabling with my other kids (non addicts) so that is my next goal. Let my adult children ALL be their own individuals.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Letting go of guilt was a tough one for me too, Ilovemysonjj. What kind of mother was I to stop trying to save my son... even though he didn't want saving? I finally got it that thinking I could save him was an illusion. Only HE could save himself if and when he was ready.
Finding my own recovery meant that I didn't have to go down with him. Let go or be dragged became my mantra.
Letting go of the problem and embracing the solution was a miracle in action in my life.
Finding my own recovery meant that I didn't have to go down with him. Let go or be dragged became my mantra.
Letting go of the problem and embracing the solution was a miracle in action in my life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 48
I think a rational way of looking at this is I know from experience that addicts are completely unpreditable. One of the addicts in my family stopped drinking and went to AA many years ago and continued to go to meetings. I thought recovery was the direction he was headed. Never did I think he would just turn to abusing pills instead and try to pretend he is sober but instead became an absolutely different person- worse than ever now!!
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I understand what you are saying, Needuall. My son lived in the revolving door of recovery/relapse/repeat for many year and may still be there today. He had over a year clean once and three years another time...that's the time I thought he was surely done. He went to meetings and maintained his recovery connections...and then he didn't think he needed that anymore and slipped down the slope of complacency to a bottom lower than he had ever known.
This was when I knew I had to let go. He was connected to all the wrong people, people who would harm me to get to him. I could not save him but I had to save myself and that's when I gave his care to God and renew my faith that God can do for my son what I cannot, each day.
God bless each addict who suffers. God bless each loved one who prays for them.
This was when I knew I had to let go. He was connected to all the wrong people, people who would harm me to get to him. I could not save him but I had to save myself and that's when I gave his care to God and renew my faith that God can do for my son what I cannot, each day.
God bless each addict who suffers. God bless each loved one who prays for them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
My addict did "seem" to want a better life. A more stable life. A normal type life.
But (you knew there was a but coming) she never embraced any real notion of recovery. She tried to sell the fact that she was "voluntarily" going to a methadone clinic & paying weekly out of pocket to mean she was in recovery.
Mixing in other drugs daily on top of the high daily dose of methadone - oh that was just to get a buzz (her words). She was in the MMT program for several years but had no take homes. I wonder why? Whenever she spoke of her counseling or group meetings it was always negative comments. She completely lies to the clinic concerning where she lives, who she lives with, & what she does for work. This is recovery?
Her daily lifestyle is clearly that of an active addict. In all the time I was with her she never came out & said I have a problem. The only direct mention of a problem was when she told me about the years of doing IV heroine & other hard core drugs. She is very damaged. She did talk about pain, guilt, sorrow, depression & suffering in her life.
It took me a long time to wake up. It took me a long time to muster up enough courage to face the music. I was providing the notion of a stable life. Things for her were not good in any sense of the word before I came along. Ive had a lot of guilt over withdrawing that support. Anymore I only have twinges of guilt.
I used to think about the question of why all the time. Thought about it for years. I don't think about it anymore. For me its sufficient to simply understand "she is what she is" She has been that way for many years. I know what she is.
Thanks
But (you knew there was a but coming) she never embraced any real notion of recovery. She tried to sell the fact that she was "voluntarily" going to a methadone clinic & paying weekly out of pocket to mean she was in recovery.
Mixing in other drugs daily on top of the high daily dose of methadone - oh that was just to get a buzz (her words). She was in the MMT program for several years but had no take homes. I wonder why? Whenever she spoke of her counseling or group meetings it was always negative comments. She completely lies to the clinic concerning where she lives, who she lives with, & what she does for work. This is recovery?
Her daily lifestyle is clearly that of an active addict. In all the time I was with her she never came out & said I have a problem. The only direct mention of a problem was when she told me about the years of doing IV heroine & other hard core drugs. She is very damaged. She did talk about pain, guilt, sorrow, depression & suffering in her life.
It took me a long time to wake up. It took me a long time to muster up enough courage to face the music. I was providing the notion of a stable life. Things for her were not good in any sense of the word before I came along. Ive had a lot of guilt over withdrawing that support. Anymore I only have twinges of guilt.
I used to think about the question of why all the time. Thought about it for years. I don't think about it anymore. For me its sufficient to simply understand "she is what she is" She has been that way for many years. I know what she is.
Thanks
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Awesome post Ann. 'Let go or be dragged' became my mantra too after I got that from you! It's so true...let go or be dragged. What a visual...and so useful. I'm the kind of person who likes a "routine"...but the unexpected does crop up frequently in my life. Sometimes I am just not in the MOOD to deal with the unexpected. I'm going hopefully have a different attitude about that now. Thanks!!
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
People think I am strange, but I really truly do not like "surprises" not even good ones. I think it's is because I spent much of my life surprised, blind sided, taken off guard and knocked over with one blow when I wasn't looking...nope, no surprises for me thank you.
Now THAT's clarity.
Now THAT's clarity.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by Ann 
God bless each addict who suffers. God bless each loved one who prays for them.
You have shared so much that is helpful and positive, giving to others here at this site over the years. I am grateful and imagine others would agree.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
HardLessons: Thank you for the insightful and meaningful share. I applaud your strength and am happy for you, that you reached a better place.
Where you wrote, "I used to think about the question of why all the time. Thought about it for years. I don't think about it anymore. For me its sufficient to simply understand "she is what she is" She has been that way for many years. I know what she is." Such a significant message.
Where you wrote, "I used to think about the question of why all the time. Thought about it for years. I don't think about it anymore. For me its sufficient to simply understand "she is what she is" She has been that way for many years. I know what she is." Such a significant message.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Anaya, thank YOU for all you contribute here and for the support you have offered for many years now. Your signature from the poem by Robert Frost are my favourite lines from any poem ever....and I love poetry.
My second favourite is from Rudyard Kipling...
"NOW this is the law of the jungle, as old and as true as the sky,
And the wolf that shall keep it may prosper, but the wolf that shall break it must die.
As the creeper that girdles the tree trunk, the law runneth forward and back;
For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack."
It reminds me of how much we in recovery need each other and how our meetings and groups like SR needs the individuals.
My second favourite is from Rudyard Kipling...
"NOW this is the law of the jungle, as old and as true as the sky,
And the wolf that shall keep it may prosper, but the wolf that shall break it must die.
As the creeper that girdles the tree trunk, the law runneth forward and back;
For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack."
It reminds me of how much we in recovery need each other and how our meetings and groups like SR needs the individuals.
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