Marie2551

This is my second thread here. I posted a month or so ago about my concerns about ab. We'd now been dating almost a year and the last three months of our relationship there were monthly weekends of him drinking until black out and not being able to remember what he did and subsequently cancelling plans the next day. Each time I would tell him I couldn't continue in a relationship like that, he said he would change and didn't. After The final episode I took advice from this forum and just said I am not judging you, there is nothing wrong with you deciding to live your life this way, but I can no longer be a part of it. He broke down and admitted he had a problem and wanted to get help. I said I would support him if he wanted but understood if he needed to do this on his own. He said he was already disappointing himself, he didn't want to keep disappointing me too. But that he did want us to try to work on it together. The next day I asked what his plan was about seeking help and he flipped out that I was being too hard on him. I also questioned whether during the recent blackouts he may have been unfaithful and not recalled. This lead to him getting very upset, we went on a break, he started therapy and continuously texted that he loved and missed me but wasn't sure if our relationship was healthy since my trust issues with him were getting worse by the things he did. He said he just wanted to be loved for who he was, and that he didn't have a problem because he declined a trip to New Orleans, among other silly statements he made about not having a problem. Finally he broke it off and said he is doing better with not getting drunk and he has less stress now and that I made him not want to change because of I didn't trust him and that I made him feel worse about himself and he resents me. That it got to be too repetitive and he emotionally checked out and That he is going to therapy and working on himself But that he still loves maybe and maybe in the future we could reoccur. I am having such a hard time accepting this is over. I was ok with ending the relationship if he didn't make any steps toward improving the drinking. But now that is finally going to therapy and finally admitted a problem, and he doesn't want to be with me, it's so hard to accept. I truly loved him and we had plans to move in together. I am trying to realize that if this is what Is best for him then I need to not be selfish and just accept it. I am also trying to remind myself that he is still not taking responsibility, he is saying that I was the reason he couldn't stop when we were together. How to come to terms with this ? I am initiating no contact and starting therapy but still finding it hard to cope with the loss.

SparkleKitty

Marie, I have to say that his repeated attempts to blame his problems and the problems in the relationship with YOUR inability to trust him does not bode well that he is ACTUALLY seeking recovery. And even if he is, and this is all real, it would still be a very long time before he would the kind of dependable, healthy partner you deserve.

Your lack of trust in him is a direct result of his own choices.

DontRemember

He could very well be 'playing you' and saying(manipulating you) exactly what you've been wanting from him for so long. Trust me;He would not be telling you how great he's doing now if he was 'done' with you. I see it as him trying to 'snake' some more time/resources from you.. Just my outside opinion as someone that's been on both sides of this crap.

Marie2551

Thank you. It's really nice to get perspective from those who have been there. I'm afraid I let the blame he placed on me get to my self esteem and sanity and needed to hear from you all that I am not crazy. Also I am trying not to go down the path of the codependent gf who things they are so great and able to "fix" people who don't need or want to be. I feel like a the end of a normal relationship would be easier to accept that it just wasn't meant to be. But the blame shifting and I guess I have my illusion that if it weren't for the alcohol things would be great forever. I need to get over that

tomsteve

welp, i hoope pointing something out may help a wee bit:
. But now that is finally going to therapy
AFTER saying
...... that he didn't have a problem because he declined a trip to New Orleans, among other silly statements he made about not having a problem
that there is what id call complete,100% BS ,denial, deflecting, blaming,manipulating, insanity, rationalization, quacking......prolly a few others,too.
in other words, he aint serious about getting help,imo.
acceptance will come with T.I.M.E.

tomsteve

another thing to think about:
did you pour the booze down his throat? did you tip his elbow and force him to drink?
i didnt think so- thats on him. hes accountable and responsible for his own crap.

Marie2551

I should clarify. He never blamed his drinking on me but said my mistrust made him not want to change and that my repetitive statements that I would leave if this continued made him emotionally check out.

Maudcat

Hi, Marie..
Welcome back.
It’s pretty classic addict behavior to blame why they are drinking on someone else.
“I’m drinking because you don’t trust me.”
Please.
Really?
It is not you.
It is him.
End of story.
Peace.

hopeful4

I think you will find the no contact will enable you to go through the grief of your relationship ending, and the therapy will help you get through that as well. It's a process, and it's not an easy one. However, digging through all that hurt is worth it in the end. You will come out a changed person, for the better, if you stick to your own boundaries and apply what you learn. Brain before heart, yes?

Big hugs.

Marie2551

Thank you all for the wise words

Nata1980

Resounding yes to this! I am pretty sure 99% of family and friends on this forum were assigned blame for alcoholics drinking. Also agree that he does not sound like "recovering" alcoholic to me.

My XAH claims that he drank because I was controlling and had trust issues.

"My truth", as he likes to call it is that I paid for his cell phone for years, and it never even occurred to me to check his records, snoop on his messages, or put a gps locator on it - even when I was pretty sure he was drinking again and had a fling with a fellow unemployed addict. Still did not snoop on him.

2 years after divorce he is still attempting to pull exactly the same as your ABF - I just ignore it mostly - we have a son together and I am trying to be civil. If we did not have a child together - I would have gone full no contact the moment he moved out.

Look for a quakers thread on here - it's amazing.

ladyscribbler

Definitely. My ex _still_ blames me for his drinking and craziness. He's been married to someone else for over two years. Isn't everything _her_ fault now? Lol.

Yeah, reading through the Quackers thread was really eye-opening for me, especially as I was lurking here and wavering on whether or not to leave for good.

HardLessons

My addict & I had numerous disagreements & fights. From the very start, she displayed all the classic addict behavior.

One thing she never did was blame me for her drug use.

I do blame myself though. I enabled her in a huge way. The last couple months with her, her addictions ran rampant. It got to the point where I didn't know her anymore.

Thanks

velma929

yes,because even if the drinking was out of the equation, what he drank to forget would still have to be dealt with.

maia1234

Blah, blah, blah.

He is an addict. He wants to be an addict and wants you to love him for who he is, an addict. You have choices, if it was me, I would walk away. He will choose alcohol over you any day of the week. Painful but true. Take care of you, that's all that matters.

FeelingGreat

Hi Marie don't forget the basic principle of ignore the words, look at the actions. I know how hard it is to give up drinking when you're dependent, and it's very easy to make promises to yourself and others that you will 'cut down' go to therapy or stop drinking. Problem is that the next day the cravings start again, and you're over the crisis, and it's very hard to keep to your resolution. I made lots of promises to myself long after I knew I had a problem, but only after something clicked was I able to stop, and it wasn't that much of a struggle. (now giving up sugar is another story).

Even though he's having therapy and admitted he has a problem he hasn't actually said he's not drinking has he? A long period of sobriety would be promising, but my guess it he's not there yet. Do you believe he's actually stopped drinking?

Bekindalways

Hi Marie. I'm so glad you came back and posted. Leaving (or being left ) by an alcoholic can be so painful no matter how much you know it is for the best.

His words of blame shifting and justifying AKA Quacking is so classic. I kinda wish someone with the ability would set this kind of thing to music . . . .maybe with a repeating chorus of "Quackedy, quack, quack".

I'd say your lack of trust shows perspicacity (how is that for a 25 cent word?!) and he has an issue with it which is not your problem.

One last point to think about. Alcoholics will often return looking for enabling often quacking apologies, promises and love. You might think about what you want to do when this happens. Most of us went back to our qualifiers several times when they came back. Sigh.

Hang tough Marie. This is truly tough stuff you are facing. Most of us were there at one point or another and know how not fun it is.

Marie2551

Thanks all. I don't believe he has stopped drinking but I do believe he has slowed down and is going to therapy. I don't know and I'm trying not to care, trying not to think of what he might be doing. It's been a month since I've seen him and two weeks since we've broken up and we've had no contact. Some days are getting easier but most are still rough and thanksgiving was hard, with not hearing from him and fighting every urge not to contact him. I am thinking of how I would respond if that does happen. I know i need to be firm in my boundaries and also maybe that no response would be best at the moment, even though I just want to see him. I still have thoughts about his high functioning, was I blowing things out of proportion, expecting too much? But I try to dismiss those thoughts and come on here instead.


What I'm really struggling With is understanding the resentment he has towards me. He says he resents me for not trusting him and making him feel worse, I suppose also for not being able to accept him. It hurts to hear that and I guess I don't truly understand resentment. I'd just like to think that one day in the future he won't hate me anymore, he will stop resenting me but I am thinking that can only come when he decides to change and can be in a place to look back at the blame his misplaced on me.

Clover71

IMO, he doesn't have resentment towards you but rather the necessary boundaries that you put in place for you.

I'm sorry. I know it's hurtful