Sparks720

My husband has been addicted to several things for most of his life.. it’s always been pain killers and eventually cocaine and he even got addicted to heroin for a while. We’ve been together for 7 years and he spent years sober—we had a wonderful life and have a two year old daughter as a result of that. He got a job last year where he was gone Monday-Friday and that’s when he relapsed. He started doing cocaine and pain pills and our life turned into a mess. He was spending hundreds of dollars each week and we were constantly fighting because i knew and he kept acting like i was crazy. A few months ago is when he turned to heroin. Last month he said he realized hay he was going down a deadly path and he didn’t want to lose us. So he got sober from heroin but was still doing cocaine and pain pills(hiding it from me). Well a few days ago i caught him in some lies and he came home and packed up all of his things and said he’s done with me and can’t handle it anymore. He’s done this to me about 10 times before and always comes home 2-4 days later promising change and sobriety. But this time is different, this time he started talking to another woman. He totally denied it all and i even spoke with the woman and my husband told her he was divorced. I’m physically sick over all of it. He’s refused to talk to me and acting completely unbothered by our entire life being destroyed. I’m terrified of my future but i know i can’t continue like this. For my daughter’s sake especially. So I’m going to divorce him or legally separate. It’s the hardest and scariest and painful thing I’ve ever gone through. I love him so much and I’ve devoted my life to him for 7 years. Devastation is an understatement.

Ann

I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through, addiction is a horrible thing and destroys families and finances and dreams of what might have been.

You are wise to walk away from this nastiness, your daughter must come first and you deserve so much better than all this.

I don't have much advice, you seem to have chosen a good path, but I wanted to stop by and offer hugs and support.

Sparks720

Thank you so much. It hasn’t been an easy decision at all. He’s saying he plans on supporting us still but I’m not getting my hopes up. And i fear he’s going to get really mean when he realizes that I’m going to ask for drug testing for visitations with our daughter.

Missmac35

I rreally feel your pain I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are in the right place for support and I hope you keep posting.
You sound like you have made your decision and it was a very heartbreaking one to make. You are being very very strong. We all understand how devastating this must be for you. I wish I was a strong as you. I kept taking my addict back every time he promised and everytime he would relapse. I wish I had your conviction.
You are right to demand drug tests for visitations and I think you should prepare yourself for the drama when he realises you are serious about divorcing him this time and finds out he can't just crawl back when he decides.
The other woman thing must feel absolutely awful and you must be thinking all sorts but don't let it get to you too much. It's no reflection of you in anyway at all. Addicts will find the easiest way they can be enabled to carry on their addictions. Sending you strength and hope for you and your child

Maudcat

Hi, Sparks.
Welcome.
Very sorry for your situation, but glad that you have made a decision.
I would contact an attorney to find out what your rights are and what to expect.
Someone who is experienced with addiction.
Protect your finances as best you can.
Coke is expensive.
Good luck.

Sparks720

Thank you all. I have no money at all. I’ve been a stay at home mother for 3 years. I’m going to file for divorce today or tomorrow and hopefully figure out the rest from there.

look4billw

The one suggestion that I might have is that you would like to be cautious in what you say or do.
The past is the past, and an emotional outburst won't change the past.
Thoughtful response may produce your desired result.
Good or bad, all our actions have rewards or consequences.



“Nothing pays off Iike restraint of tongue and pen,” says the book.
“We must avoid quick-tempered criticismand furious power-driven argument.
The same goes for sulking and silent scorn.
These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness.
For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of
self-restraint has become automatic.”

OpheliaKatz

Sparks. I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. Addiction is a selfish disease that affects everyone in contact with the addict. It's very sad. If you are thinking of separating, the first thing I would do is get my finances in order. Do you have a nest egg? If not, get one as soon as you can. Do you have friends or family to help or support you when you leave? Please talk to them. But only talk to people who can keep secrets for you, because I would caution against talking to your husband about anything before you have made all the preparations necessary for you and your daughter, because he might mess things up. I know you said that he was okay with separating, but he's not reliable right now. Addiction is very unpredictable. What if he changes his mind? Please get a lawyer. See what social services are available where you live. If you are planning on staying in the family home and having your husband leave, consider what might happen if he refuses to leave. You can't make him do anything, so you might be the one who has to leave. Finally, contact Alanon/Naranon and Alateen (there are counseling programs for kids... how old is your child, under 7? If she's under 7, then Alateen is not suitable, but there will be programs out there that can help). This is going to be difficult for you because your husband was the sole earner, but you can do it. Just don't depend on him being reliable about paying alimony because that will mean that there's less money for him to spend on drugs. I hope that things work out for you and that you have the strength to do what is necessary.

Soulful

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I understand the pain all too well, when I kicked my AH out the first time, I was in debt, no job and not able to get a job because I was living in a country on a tourist visa. It was very scary.
I managed to build an online business and I know make more money than I ever did, debt free and with savings. I took my AH back and decided to give him another chance because I fell in the trap of: "I am off the cocaine, I am going rehab, etc etc" but he fooled me and he is now nose-diving into his powder without any remorse or regret. At least he had regret before, now he just doesn't care. I am again kicking out my AH but this time, I am financially independent and I really can't wait to get my place and peace back.

I have to agree with what it has been said before, getting your finances in order and becoming financially independent is the absolute most important thing for you for your daughter, once you got that under control, it will give you the confidence to follow through and get out of the mess.