BrokenCrayons

So I have read around here a bit in my feverish attempts at making sense of this all. I recently was smacked in the face with evidence that my husband is probably an alcoholic, though I have had concerns about his alcohol use for a while.

Background: Sorry, this is long. TLDR at the end. It seemed for months that my husband's drinking had been increasing. He would have at least 5 beers a night, and often chug 3 in the hour after coming home from work. We could never have an open bottle of anything in the house. I had asked him a few times where such and such liquor had gone and at least 3 times he had told me that he "accidentally spilled some" when making a drink. Or "I'm sorry, I know I need to be better about that."
He became more and more isolated, spending hours alone in his office staring at his computer screen, or in the basement working on projects, only being in the same room as me for dinner. He'd also stay up for hours after I went to bed.
We have a 17 month old daughter, and she knows that his bottles are beer.
I worked up the courage to tell him that I was concerned a month or 2 ago. I asked him not to drink more than 14 drinks a week, and not to drink alone with the baby. He downplayed it a bit and said "you're right, I should do better." But he seemed like he was annoyed and holding back what he really wanted to say. We both aren't great communicators.
He seemed to be making an effort. He still drank more than I would like though when he had beer, but didn't buy as often. I found myself drinking more beer than I wanted to so that he wouldn't be able to drink them all (and I realize how bad that is and will no longer do that.)
He is usually the one to take out the trash, but last week he forgot to do it and it was being collected that day, so he asked me to bring the cans to the curb since he goes to work earlier than I do. When I was pulling the trash can to the curb, the lid flapped open, and I noticed a box from a 6 pack that I don't remember having in the house near the top of the can. My instinct told me "He is hiding alcohol from you. Check the basement trash can. You will find vodka."
I thought to myself "this is just my anxiety talking. It's ridiculous. I have no reason to suspect that he is hiding anything from me. I need to trust my husband. I won't snoop." I went and did some dishes instead, but my intuition kept bugging me. I thought "OK, i'lol check the basement trash just to get my anxiety to shut up, even though I shouldn't give in to it." Sure enough, vodka bottle hidden in the trash can under paper towels. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. That's when I started reading everything I could online. I feel like I am still in shock, or somewhat denial about the situation, but I started realizing that there has been a pattern of lying, sneaking, and gaslighting throughout our relationship.
Yesterday, he asked if I wanted him to grab beer (he hadn't bought beer in about a week, always seems like a Tuesday thing for some reason.) I said that I didn't care, and he could get some if he wanted. He said "OK, i'like get light beer." And came back with a 6 pack of light beer. I had a play group for our daughter that night and he had shown interest in coming with us. I was getting ready, and I asked if he was coming, and he said "sorry, no, I wanted to get some things done around the house." (Getting things "done around the house" usually involves "organizing things in the basement" I usually never go down there so I don't know.) I said OK, see you later, and took our daughter and had fun. I don't want her to pick up on my stress and anxiety. I grew up around family members with anxiety and I feel like that has contributed greatly to my own anxiety.
When I came home, he greeted me, and I made dinner. He took a beer and gave me one to have with dinner, I noticed they were the first 2 in the 6 pack. I thought to myself "he's probably just making a show about drinking less but he probably had something else while I was out." He was acting extra lovey, and of course, I felt like he was just feeing guilty. He only had 2 of the light beers that night.
He went to bed early and stupid stupid me checked the basement trash. Hidden 40oz.
He also smokes pot several times a day, and now I am realizing this is also probably part of the problem.

TLDR: Found hidden empty bottle of vodka in trash. Later, hidden empty 40oz. Had been concerned about husband drinking for a while. We have a toddler.

I have not said anything to him yet. Trying to figure out how to let him know without being emotional, judgemental, etc. I know I can't fix him, but I want him to know that I am still concerned.

I found an al-anon meeting for me. I can't go until the week after thanksgiving though because of my work schedule and also I am hosting Thanksgiving.

I am just trying to act normal for now. I know that nothing I'm doing is making him any worse, but I feel like I am suppressing worry and it's going to make me sick, so I just wanted someone to talk to. That's why I posted here.

My husband never really "acts drunk". Although he is sometimes a little silly. He is kind, has a job as a professional that he goes to on time every day, pays his bills (although he has been stressed about money lately, we had both attributes this to daycare costs), he isn't abusive, he loves our daughter and seems to be a good dad. I just feel like I have been lying to myself and refusing to see signs. I have no idea how long this has been going on.

Sorry for the rambling. Just trying to keep myself sane until I can start getting help for myself, but desperately wishing he would get help as well.

ChloeRose63

Glad you are going for help at Al-anon. You will find support that you need and strategies that will make you stronger and wise. The more educated you are about alcoholism the better. You will find out that your primary concern is your child and yourself. This is important. You cannot change him unless he is willing to admit he has a problem and needs help. Confronting him with his dishonesty at this time will only make your home a war zone. Your child does not need to see or hear a fight with an addict. Those are messy and distructive. If you find hidden alcohol you might want to put it in full )sight and see if he feels any shame or embarrassment. That might be what makes him seek help.

BrokenCrayons

Thank you.
My biggest concern is definitely for my daughter.
I am also worried about being away from her for his parenting time if I do decide to leave him in the future. Both for my concern about whether he could be responsible and also my selfishly not wanting to give up a single moment with her. She is the light of my life.

honeypig

BC, my XAH never really "acted drunk" either--he successfully hid his drinking from me for YEARS. I'm glad you found us here at SR, and I hope you can spend some time reading around the forum, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There is a wealth of information and inspiration here and a great diversity of voices, experiences and situations.

If you find that a certain member's posts are particularly helpful to you or their story especially resonates with you, you can easily find more posts or threads by that member by doing the following: Click on the member's name on the left side of your screen. From the drop-down list that appears, you can select "Find more posts by Member X" or "Find all threads started by Member X."

Welcome to SR.

dandylion

I respectfully disagree with the idea of putting the bottles out for him to see....for the following reason.....the alcoholic/addict always feels shame (down deep where others don't see it). It just adds insult to injury when they are shamed. Shaming another person never helps a relationship with anyone...but, it can cause resentments.
I do not recommend it. I do, however agree that there is no point in making an issue of the hidden bottles...YOU know that he is hiding it...HE knows that he is hiding it...so, what would be the point...except to force him into lying and adding to your stress...and, maybe a big fight...and, more resentments....

What I do agree with, also, is to learn everything you can about alcoholism...just so that you will know the reality of what you are up against....
alanon is a good move, also....

I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....there are dozens of them...lol...

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

BrokenCrayons

Thank you, I don't think I will do anything with the bottles. I saw them. I know they are there. I left them there. I won't say anything about drinking again until Inumderstand more. I feel so stupid for missing signs over the years. I just want what's best for my daughter and I don't want her to have problems down the road because of the choices I make now.

atalose

Hi BrokenCrayons welcome,

Sorry for what has brought you here but most of us certainly understand. I think you have gotten some great suggestions especially the one about NOT confronting him about things you have found or are witnessing. Shame and guilt to me are emotional weapons used to manipulate someone else into doing what we want them to do. It is not a healthy conflict resolution and usually only exacerbates any situation. Obtaining healthy conflict resolution with an active A is near impossible. Al-anon will help if you have the right mindset and are open to understanding the program.

You don’t have to make any decision today or even tomorrow about your future or whether or not he could be a responsible parent should you chose to separate. Those are issues with a number of solutions when and if that time comes along.

For now, read as much as you can here, check out the stickies, ask questions, vent do what it is you need to do for you.

Hummer

Welcome BC,
Really sorry you are in this situation - I can totally remember the gut wrenching feeling when you make that first discovery of hidden alcohol, it’s such a shock to the system.
In the early days I would read on this forum every single day, it’s a form of therapy! There’s a wealth of experience, support and advice shared on here - I’m still benefiting from it today and I’m sure you will too.

Take care

hopeful4

Hello and welcome to SR. This is a place of great support. Keep posting, you are not alone!

BrokenCrayons

Thanks all.
I have been reading more here. It is comforting to know that I am not alone, but still feeling lost in my emotions.