my parents hate my alcoholic partner
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2
my parents hate my alcoholic partner
Hello, I've never posted here before but I feel like I need to put my story out there for help.
I have been with my partner for a year and a half now and we are very much in love. We clicked very quickly and he moved in with me after only 6 weeks. We've built a strong partnership and have supported each other through a lot, including moving to a new city together 6 months ago.
The problem is...he's a high functioning alcoholic. I sort of knew this when we first started dating but I thought it was something he could control, that it was just because of the stresses in his life, that when things settled down he'd cut way back. Over time he has had times where he's cut back a lot or nearly stopped drinking all together. But there has also been times where his drinking has caused some problems, especially with my family.
Last year at thanksgiving and Christmas, he had a little too much and was obnoxious, offended my family with the way he was acting and speaking. My parents confronted me about this and we fought about it for a few months. In the end, my partner apologized to them and he was really working on drinking less.
We had several good months with him drinking a lot less and a few times not at all. But my partner also suffers from depression and anxiety. He has been working with our Dr to find the right medications but it has been tough. He's also changed jobs twice (one company closed, another downsized) and although he got a third job quickly, he was feeling defeated and insecure about it all.
Last week, my partner hit a low point; he was drinking too much, feeling very depressed and he took it out verbally on my best friend's husband and also my stepfather. It was very upsetting.
As a result, my parents have told me that they want nothing to do with him ever again and that I need to leave him.
I'm so torn. I love him, I want to support him and I believe that he wants to get sober (he saw his Dr yesterday, he's contacted a rehab program, he's cut back already). I'm seeking counselling for myself also, I start next week.
I'm just not sure that my family will ever come around to accepting him. I don't know how to essentially lose my family (they will see me but don't want anything to do with him so...) or even to cut contact with them for some time until they are satisfied with my partner's sobriety.
I don't know what to do. Please help.
I have been with my partner for a year and a half now and we are very much in love. We clicked very quickly and he moved in with me after only 6 weeks. We've built a strong partnership and have supported each other through a lot, including moving to a new city together 6 months ago.
The problem is...he's a high functioning alcoholic. I sort of knew this when we first started dating but I thought it was something he could control, that it was just because of the stresses in his life, that when things settled down he'd cut way back. Over time he has had times where he's cut back a lot or nearly stopped drinking all together. But there has also been times where his drinking has caused some problems, especially with my family.
Last year at thanksgiving and Christmas, he had a little too much and was obnoxious, offended my family with the way he was acting and speaking. My parents confronted me about this and we fought about it for a few months. In the end, my partner apologized to them and he was really working on drinking less.
We had several good months with him drinking a lot less and a few times not at all. But my partner also suffers from depression and anxiety. He has been working with our Dr to find the right medications but it has been tough. He's also changed jobs twice (one company closed, another downsized) and although he got a third job quickly, he was feeling defeated and insecure about it all.
Last week, my partner hit a low point; he was drinking too much, feeling very depressed and he took it out verbally on my best friend's husband and also my stepfather. It was very upsetting.
As a result, my parents have told me that they want nothing to do with him ever again and that I need to leave him.
I'm so torn. I love him, I want to support him and I believe that he wants to get sober (he saw his Dr yesterday, he's contacted a rehab program, he's cut back already). I'm seeking counselling for myself also, I start next week.
I'm just not sure that my family will ever come around to accepting him. I don't know how to essentially lose my family (they will see me but don't want anything to do with him so...) or even to cut contact with them for some time until they are satisfied with my partner's sobriety.
I don't know what to do. Please help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Welcome, you will find a lot of support here.
He has to want to be sober and work a program every day to be sober. If that is what he wants. No one can force someone else to become sober. It sounds like you love him and that your family wants nothing to do with him... I bet if he became sober and worked a program, they would start to see the change in him and I think your family would come around, it won't be easy or instant. If he doesn't take the steps to become sober, he doesn't want it and this will be your life until you leave him.
That is great you are so supportive of him. Not all partners are.
I suggest he go to AA and you attend Alanon if you want to continue the relationship.
Sometimes a "break" can whip them into shape.
Best of luck
He has to want to be sober and work a program every day to be sober. If that is what he wants. No one can force someone else to become sober. It sounds like you love him and that your family wants nothing to do with him... I bet if he became sober and worked a program, they would start to see the change in him and I think your family would come around, it won't be easy or instant. If he doesn't take the steps to become sober, he doesn't want it and this will be your life until you leave him.
That is great you are so supportive of him. Not all partners are.
I suggest he go to AA and you attend Alanon if you want to continue the relationship.
Sometimes a "break" can whip them into shape.
Best of luck
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Welcome, and I'm sorry for your situation.
It sounds like your partner is causing serious problems for you with your family and friends. I think your parents have stated their position and boundaries and so it's up to you to decide if you want to not see your parents, or to see them without your partner with you.
I'm glad that you are seeking counselling for yourself. It's important for you to focus on yourself. Hopefully your partner will seek the help that he needs.
It sounds like your partner is causing serious problems for you with your family and friends. I think your parents have stated their position and boundaries and so it's up to you to decide if you want to not see your parents, or to see them without your partner with you.
I'm glad that you are seeking counselling for yourself. It's important for you to focus on yourself. Hopefully your partner will seek the help that he needs.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
Alcoholism is progressive, you only go down-hill from here. Please encourage your partner to read and post here and seriously consider rehab or a formal treatment program. He has to want to stop though, it doesn’t work if it is forced. The answer is no more drinking at all, but most, myself included, really are scared of that fact. best thing I ever did was stop drink8ng, but it is not easy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,634
It doesn't sound like your parents hate your boyfriend. It sounds like they are saying something because they love you and they want him to face his issue and deal with it. Meaning, if he gets sober, the tension should resolve with time.
Only your boyfriend can decide to get sober or not, though. Ann is right that you have a choice with how to engage with your parents in the meantime.
Good luck!
Only your boyfriend can decide to get sober or not, though. Ann is right that you have a choice with how to engage with your parents in the meantime.
Good luck!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Your parent’s action will do more to help you boyfriend than if they just tolerated his bad behaviour. Folks that took a hard line with me really did prompt me into recovery in the end. Those that put up with me and covered for me just aided in my destruction. It is sort of counter intuitive, because the the enablers only did so with the best of intentions. It was just a fact that they lacked the power to fix me.
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