Feeling good
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Feeling good
Things are still new and raw, kids are doing well- still a bit tearful- but this week I am determined to get us into a schedule and follow the parenting plan. Stability will help them. the moving and back and forth and seeing dad almost every day probably hasn't helped...I can see H finagling loose boundaries on contact and maintaining "the family" but in two households...So I will have to be strict with myself to keep things separate and on schedule...but the transition is happening.
I can feel such a relief. It is hard to explain, but in retrospect I can see how exhausted I was becoming emotionally and mentally- the inner turmoil was taking over me. This I knew- but didn't realize the severity. I look rested and healthy, I feel at ease. I also realized that it has been so many days since marijuana use for me and I hadn't even thought about it! I was definitely coping day to day with that...I don't even feel the compulsion to self medicate. I do not feel rushed or frazzled. I feel strong and confident. I also have the urge to get back into healthy eating ..I've had my fill of eating for comfort (something I knew I was doing past month) This has even opened up dialogue between STBXH and we have hashed things out we probably couldn't have without this happening. I have realized more of my part of things and how I can become a better person. Not bottle things up and be more assertive and straightforward. My give a a damn getting busted was probably the best thing to happen to me/us. I do see us becoming better coparents with the space. Maybe repair our friendship. I know I need to watch him and his ways...and myself also so I don't accept bad habits or slip back into my own. It is liberating to have my own home, the kids love the new house (still are emotional but they do see the positives) I can see that my son is probably more worried about how dad is doing/feeling than actually missing him- need to watch that. I've kept an open dialogue with the little ones and I think helps. Still on a waiting list for counseling for them.
Anyways, this is just a random dump of thoughts. Appreciate you all!
I can feel such a relief. It is hard to explain, but in retrospect I can see how exhausted I was becoming emotionally and mentally- the inner turmoil was taking over me. This I knew- but didn't realize the severity. I look rested and healthy, I feel at ease. I also realized that it has been so many days since marijuana use for me and I hadn't even thought about it! I was definitely coping day to day with that...I don't even feel the compulsion to self medicate. I do not feel rushed or frazzled. I feel strong and confident. I also have the urge to get back into healthy eating ..I've had my fill of eating for comfort (something I knew I was doing past month) This has even opened up dialogue between STBXH and we have hashed things out we probably couldn't have without this happening. I have realized more of my part of things and how I can become a better person. Not bottle things up and be more assertive and straightforward. My give a a damn getting busted was probably the best thing to happen to me/us. I do see us becoming better coparents with the space. Maybe repair our friendship. I know I need to watch him and his ways...and myself also so I don't accept bad habits or slip back into my own. It is liberating to have my own home, the kids love the new house (still are emotional but they do see the positives) I can see that my son is probably more worried about how dad is doing/feeling than actually missing him- need to watch that. I've kept an open dialogue with the little ones and I think helps. Still on a waiting list for counseling for them.
Anyways, this is just a random dump of thoughts. Appreciate you all!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords.....so glad to hear that you are feeling less stressed and that you got through the move without major event!! I knew you could it.
I am wondering if it feels any different than the other time? I realize that it may be a l ittle soon for you to answer that...lol...
Yes, do keep those boundaries strong. Be aware...and, I th ink you are...that he m at be being on his best behavior...figuring that you will come scurrying back, in time.....
I am wondering if it feels any different than the other time? I realize that it may be a l ittle soon for you to answer that...lol...
Yes, do keep those boundaries strong. Be aware...and, I th ink you are...that he m at be being on his best behavior...figuring that you will come scurrying back, in time.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by dandylion 
thousandwords.....so glad to hear that you are feeling less stressed and that you got through the move without major event!! I knew you could it.
I am wondering if it feels any different than the other time? I realize that it may be a l ittle soon for you to answer that...lol...
Yes, do keep those boundaries strong. Be aware...and, I th ink you are...that he m at be being on his best behavior...figuring that you will come scurrying back, in time.....
I am wondering if it feels any different than the other time? I realize that it may be a l ittle soon for you to answer that...lol...
Yes, do keep those boundaries strong. Be aware...and, I th ink you are...that he m at be being on his best behavior...figuring that you will come scurrying back, in time.....
It feels much better than last time, even just a few days in. More planning, more confidence...I am a completely different person from 3 years ago (still have work to do!) So the entire situation is a little more...mature. lol
And yes- I am aware that we are totally enmeshed and he will do his best to win me back/over....we have already talked about a year from now- what if? And I say concretely that even if we do start to change our minds or see good changes and the heavens part and a miracle happens and it is Love love love in the air -ONE YEAR before we even entertain reconciliation. Then he can remarry me haha, but really though- time will tell and I am in this for the long haul. I filed for Divorce, he wants more of a separation...I am willing to continue divorce court hearings, but that is up to me not him..(and in my own head) I am going to live my life how I please and not worry about "us"...I am worrying about ME.
Hovering is happening, and I recognize it. I'll take the peace and cooperation but I am not a fool it could last. I realize this may sound wishy washy...just hang tight with me haha.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
It has been a week!
Nobody died from the shock of it all
I feel weightless and confident and my mind chatter is gone. GONE.
I have arranged my bedroom into my own temple, decorated and adorned the way I love.
All 4 of us in MY house have:
slept through the night, in their own beds, kids have been super respectful to me, have made leaps and bounds (already, yes) with household responsibilities , manners, attitudes, communication, time management. This is just one week in an environment under my wings solo. Do not let anyone tell you "you can't do this" ...because you sure as sh!t can. And again, this is one week out.
Nobody died from the shock of it all
I feel weightless and confident and my mind chatter is gone. GONE.
I have arranged my bedroom into my own temple, decorated and adorned the way I love.
All 4 of us in MY house have:
slept through the night, in their own beds, kids have been super respectful to me, have made leaps and bounds (already, yes) with household responsibilities , manners, attitudes, communication, time management. This is just one week in an environment under my wings solo. Do not let anyone tell you "you can't do this" ...because you sure as sh!t can. And again, this is one week out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Update thoughts a few weeks out:
Since leaving 11/9/17:
Positives:
I love our new home.
I can make do without
Help is all around
True friends will show themselves
It's ok to be "alone"
My mind chatter is still gone (thought maybe the first few days were just shock haha)
I went to church for the first time in almost 20 years...actually enjoyed it...and became a member.
I can say no, or yes, to whatever I want.
I was able to clear my mind and commit to future events- travel plans and a competition I'll participate in. I am able to make decisions based on my own wants and needs and not worry about his response.
I am also participating in a charity event the end of this week for Cancer and am shaving my hair. I secretly committed to it beginning of November worried how the news would be received...now I do not have to answer to anyone except my children who understand the cause.
Some negatives:
Moving but still being close to ex has blurred the lines a bit...also trying to be amicable...too much "family" time which has led to talks of reconciliation...him apologizing for things he never has before...some "break throughs" with his own counseling have made it really hard as I am fed words I have waited for while still in the marriage. ...I am embarrassed but will own the fact I allowed us to be intimate recently...which makes it harder on me to have to revisit the fact that divorce is going to happen. I can't string him along with the idea of a year apart and we shall see...NO. I want and deserve a cleaner break than that. His financial worries and legal questions have us in constant contact...he does not like the abusive/addiction verbiage in the legal forms...he finally gave me some child support money this Friday. He came over to help when I needed assistance with a household emergency...these are ties he has to me "needing him" ...he strikes up chit chat via text and send inspirational lovey quotes too much for my liking...but I can't quite say STOP yet and do allow it to happen, I try and steer convos to a close. I also found out he baited my parents into meeting him and talking this past weekend --then totally laid into my dad attacking my upbringing/their parenting- really hurting my mom. Found this out yesterday and was able to have real conversations with my parents; he does not know I know but this is helping me realize I need to reign in contact and stop being on the fence in a way just to keep his cooperation. He's keeping me close so I don't have a chance to miss him. He upsets the kids/oldest when they are over by, in my opinion, over sharing- such as mentioning he may need to move in with his mother for financial strains. These are just random thoughts.
I would say all is well and we are happy. The negatives I am identifying and working through. No contact would have been the best choice. Things will definitely be hitting the fan when additional paperwork rolls in subpoenaing his income info and when he sees what my attorney is asking for spousal maintenance/CS...I let my attorney take the reigns on that as I would have settled for less than half what I am entitled to in talking with Ex and working it out "together". Wow. We (kids and I) will be better off now vs when we were married!
Since leaving 11/9/17:
Positives:
I love our new home.
I can make do without
Help is all around
True friends will show themselves
It's ok to be "alone"
My mind chatter is still gone (thought maybe the first few days were just shock haha)
I went to church for the first time in almost 20 years...actually enjoyed it...and became a member.
I can say no, or yes, to whatever I want.
I was able to clear my mind and commit to future events- travel plans and a competition I'll participate in. I am able to make decisions based on my own wants and needs and not worry about his response.
I am also participating in a charity event the end of this week for Cancer and am shaving my hair. I secretly committed to it beginning of November worried how the news would be received...now I do not have to answer to anyone except my children who understand the cause.
Some negatives:
Moving but still being close to ex has blurred the lines a bit...also trying to be amicable...too much "family" time which has led to talks of reconciliation...him apologizing for things he never has before...some "break throughs" with his own counseling have made it really hard as I am fed words I have waited for while still in the marriage. ...I am embarrassed but will own the fact I allowed us to be intimate recently...which makes it harder on me to have to revisit the fact that divorce is going to happen. I can't string him along with the idea of a year apart and we shall see...NO. I want and deserve a cleaner break than that. His financial worries and legal questions have us in constant contact...he does not like the abusive/addiction verbiage in the legal forms...he finally gave me some child support money this Friday. He came over to help when I needed assistance with a household emergency...these are ties he has to me "needing him" ...he strikes up chit chat via text and send inspirational lovey quotes too much for my liking...but I can't quite say STOP yet and do allow it to happen, I try and steer convos to a close. I also found out he baited my parents into meeting him and talking this past weekend --then totally laid into my dad attacking my upbringing/their parenting- really hurting my mom. Found this out yesterday and was able to have real conversations with my parents; he does not know I know but this is helping me realize I need to reign in contact and stop being on the fence in a way just to keep his cooperation. He's keeping me close so I don't have a chance to miss him. He upsets the kids/oldest when they are over by, in my opinion, over sharing- such as mentioning he may need to move in with his mother for financial strains. These are just random thoughts.
I would say all is well and we are happy. The negatives I am identifying and working through. No contact would have been the best choice. Things will definitely be hitting the fan when additional paperwork rolls in subpoenaing his income info and when he sees what my attorney is asking for spousal maintenance/CS...I let my attorney take the reigns on that as I would have settled for less than half what I am entitled to in talking with Ex and working it out "together". Wow. We (kids and I) will be better off now vs when we were married!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Once the financial reality begins to hit him, I expect he'll do extreme
hoover / pity party anger stuff.
Sounds like you are aware and moving forward.
Maybe just tell him you want some distance right now to work
on your own recovery, and that he could spend that time working
on his own, and getting his life back in order.
Overall, sounds like great progress
hoover / pity party anger stuff.
Sounds like you are aware and moving forward.
Maybe just tell him you want some distance right now to work
on your own recovery, and that he could spend that time working
on his own, and getting his life back in order.
Overall, sounds like great progress
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Posts: 4,215
Be very, very careful about having sex with him. For 99.9% of the population, especially the male gender, sex = back to “normal.”
It will also mightily confuse your children...and yes, they’ll know.
Attacking your parents is a way to attack you by proxy and an attempt to drive a wedge between you and any outside support.
Be careful. There are lots of good things in your update, but there are a lot of red flags, too.
Wishing you well.
It will also mightily confuse your children...and yes, they’ll know.
Attacking your parents is a way to attack you by proxy and an attempt to drive a wedge between you and any outside support.
Be careful. There are lots of good things in your update, but there are a lot of red flags, too.
Wishing you well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Be very, very careful about having sex with him. For 99.9% of the population, especially the male gender, sex = back to “normal.”
It will also mightily confuse your children...and yes, they’ll know.
Attacking your parents is a way to attack you by proxy and an attempt to drive a wedge between you and any outside support.
Be careful. There are lots of good things in your update, but there are a lot of red flags, too.
Wishing you well.
It will also mightily confuse your children...and yes, they’ll know.
Attacking your parents is a way to attack you by proxy and an attempt to drive a wedge between you and any outside support.
Be careful. There are lots of good things in your update, but there are a lot of red flags, too.
Wishing you well.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Thousandwords.....I am glad that you are determined to go forward....into your own future....
I cannot echo ariesagain's words enough! I channel her thoughts...lol!
Especially, about the horizontal tango.....
As expected....he is doing the full court press. As I recall, this is always what he has done, in the past, when you showed an y signs of being your own person....
And, it always worked in pulling you right back in....
So, naturally, he is going to try what has worked for him, in the past....
Boundaries...boundaries..boundaries, for you!
I cannot echo ariesagain's words enough! I channel her thoughts...lol!
Especially, about the horizontal tango.....
As expected....he is doing the full court press. As I recall, this is always what he has done, in the past, when you showed an y signs of being your own person....
And, it always worked in pulling you right back in....
So, naturally, he is going to try what has worked for him, in the past....
Boundaries...boundaries..boundaries, for you!
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