My husband left me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 8
My husband left me
My husband has been addicted to opioids for over 15 years. And cocaine for about 10 years. He was sober for years and we had a wonderful life and a beautiful daughter as a result of it. Last year he got a job where he had to travel a lot and he started using again. Things just got worse from there. He’s packed up his things and left me about 10 times and usually after 2-4 days he’s contacting me promising me he’ll change and he doesn’t want to lose us. Well this time was different for me. I begged him not to go and to talk to me and he wanted nothing to do with it. He took my food money and said he wanted a divorce. And then two nights later he was talking to another woman. I am devastated and feeling pretty broken. I’ve not been able to eat and I’m so hurt. We’ve had this fight countless times and this time he cheated on me. He told the woman he was divorced. And then denied the entire thing to me. So that’s the final straw for me. I’m done. I went to our local resources yesterday and going to file for legal separation or divorce in the next few days. I also called NA last night and the volunteer i spoke with said my husband hasn’t hit rock bottom yet and he needs to before he can think about healing. He hasn’t even asked to talk to or see our daughter in 3 days.
So I’m letting him go. I need to work on my own healing now. I need to get a job and start supporting myself and my daughter. I can’t keep putting myself through this with him. And it hurts so much because i love himnwith all my heart. We’ve been together for 7 years and I’m so sad to see him not well. Please pray for me.
So I’m letting him go. I need to work on my own healing now. I need to get a job and start supporting myself and my daughter. I can’t keep putting myself through this with him. And it hurts so much because i love himnwith all my heart. We’ve been together for 7 years and I’m so sad to see him not well. Please pray for me.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR Sparks and very sorry to hear about what brings you here. Addiction is a tremendously selfish thing unfortunately. It's good to hear that you are letting go and seeking help for yourself and your daughter, you will find a lot of support here on SR. We also have forums for friends and family of substance abusers if you'd like to check them out, you will meet people who have been, or are in a similar situation to yours. And of course you are always welcome here in the newcomers forum too.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 421
Sparks - I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. It's hard enough emotionally to deal with an addict, but to add on everything else you are going through is tragic. I'm glad you are here and are sharing with us as encouragement is overwhelming here.
In regards to your husband, sadly he is choosing his addictions over everything else. I've done the same thing in my past. We addicts are really good at justifying our negative behaviors and at not taking responsibility. He isn't ready to change and you and your children are now collateral damage.
Through the history you have, and no doubt a lot of good times together, the future you two would hold would be riddled with mistrust and deceptive behaviors. Until your husband is ready to change, there is very little anybody can do to change that. You owe it to yourself and your children to protect yourself from destructive behaviors. Right now he isn't a good person for you to be around.
It's hard to think rationally when so many emotions are present, I know that first hand. I have ruined a lot of good/great relationships because of addiction. I see EVERYTHING different now, and I can accept what I've done in the past. Sobriety is a wonderful thing, it lifts that selfish fog we put ourselves in.
I really hope you find peace and you continue to post here with us. Some time apart, if not permanently, can do you well, and instill a new kind of confidence in you.
Always remember, you are worth being treated right, and you deserve to be safe.
In regards to your husband, sadly he is choosing his addictions over everything else. I've done the same thing in my past. We addicts are really good at justifying our negative behaviors and at not taking responsibility. He isn't ready to change and you and your children are now collateral damage.
Through the history you have, and no doubt a lot of good times together, the future you two would hold would be riddled with mistrust and deceptive behaviors. Until your husband is ready to change, there is very little anybody can do to change that. You owe it to yourself and your children to protect yourself from destructive behaviors. Right now he isn't a good person for you to be around.
It's hard to think rationally when so many emotions are present, I know that first hand. I have ruined a lot of good/great relationships because of addiction. I see EVERYTHING different now, and I can accept what I've done in the past. Sobriety is a wonderful thing, it lifts that selfish fog we put ourselves in.
I really hope you find peace and you continue to post here with us. Some time apart, if not permanently, can do you well, and instill a new kind of confidence in you.
Always remember, you are worth being treated right, and you deserve to be safe.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 8
Thank you everyone, your kind words are encouraging. I agree that my daughter deserves more and i don’t want her going through this anymore. He’s put her in dangerous positions and i refuse to enable him any longer. I’m nervous for our future but i hope that he gets help one day soon.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 19
I am so sorry about your unexpected change in life. I am going through the same thing with a broken heart. Time heals all wounds. The important thing is no contact except for arrangements with your daughter. Contact and trying to reconcile only makes the unevitable worse. You tried. Try to move on and focus on your sobriety and love yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 8
Thank you all. I’m really struggling. He finally contacted me and wants to spend time with our daughter on Sunday. He said he’s done with me and I’m just so hurt. And truth be told, i just want him to be well and to be the great father and husband i know he can be. I feel so heartbroken.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Sparks720 
Thank you all. I’m really struggling. He finally contacted me and wants to spend time with our daughter on Sunday. He said he’s done with me and I’m just so hurt. And truth be told, i just want him to be well and to be the great father and husband i know he can be. I feel so heartbroken.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello!
Be careful with that comment; "the dad he can be".
Watch what he IS and has been. Do not believe words, only actions.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this but you will come out ok and perhaps better off than staying with this man that waits 3 days and then wants to see your daughter. This person who ha spit you through all this: he is done with you? How about you are done with him. Put your daughter and yourself first. Life doesn't have to be like this...
Be careful with that comment; "the dad he can be".
Watch what he IS and has been. Do not believe words, only actions.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this but you will come out ok and perhaps better off than staying with this man that waits 3 days and then wants to see your daughter. This person who ha spit you through all this: he is done with you? How about you are done with him. Put your daughter and yourself first. Life doesn't have to be like this...
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
The thing is, love isn't gazing into each others eyes, as you seem to understand.
It is about you both having your sights on the same thing. And at the moment, really that isn't the case.
He’s done with you most likely precisely because you want him to be well and to be the great father and husband that he can be.
Addicts without recovery are an awfully immature and selfish lot I'm afraid.
Good luck as you branch out as an independent root. At least you have one less child to take responsibility for now.
BB
It is about you both having your sights on the same thing. And at the moment, really that isn't the case.
He’s done with you most likely precisely because you want him to be well and to be the great father and husband that he can be.
Addicts without recovery are an awfully immature and selfish lot I'm afraid.
Good luck as you branch out as an independent root. At least you have one less child to take responsibility for now.
BB
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Take care of yourself and your daughter first- if you can do anything for him that has to be a distance second place priority. Look for any resources that are available to you locally, too. There are usually many programs that can help emotionally and economically.
I would suggest you look into Al-Anon, Sparks. You've gone through a lot already and it has to be tough for you. At Al-Anon you'll meet people who've walked the road you're on and can help. Of course, SR is a great resource as well.
Don't feel guilty about this! You husband is an adult and responsible for his own actions. He will have to live with the consequences of his actions, you need to do what's best for you and your family.
I would suggest you look into Al-Anon, Sparks. You've gone through a lot already and it has to be tough for you. At Al-Anon you'll meet people who've walked the road you're on and can help. Of course, SR is a great resource as well.
Don't feel guilty about this! You husband is an adult and responsible for his own actions. He will have to live with the consequences of his actions, you need to do what's best for you and your family.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
Giant hugs to you.
Although it won't seem like it now, this is probably for the best. You deserve to be happy and with someone healthy! That won't happen immediately but every second away from him is a second closer to everything you deserve.
Take care of you and yours. Start with eating a little something. Lean on all of your support in life and certainly here.
Make a plan, write things down, pack up his crap. Cry. Take a walk. Just take care of you. The progress will help ease the pain.
Take gentle care of yourself!
Jules
Although it won't seem like it now, this is probably for the best. You deserve to be happy and with someone healthy! That won't happen immediately but every second away from him is a second closer to everything you deserve.
Take care of you and yours. Start with eating a little something. Lean on all of your support in life and certainly here.
Make a plan, write things down, pack up his crap. Cry. Take a walk. Just take care of you. The progress will help ease the pain.
Take gentle care of yourself!
Jules
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 8
Thank you so much. I’m hoping it gets a little easier everyday. I’m going to divorce him. I found out he’s telling people a bunch of outlandish lies about why we’re separating. So clearly he’s not in his right mind. He wants to take our daughter on Sunday for a couple hours, to his parents house. I don’t really have a choice until i file papers so I’m just hoping that he won’t do anything stupid that day.
I saw on his message logs that he sent the other woman a couple of pictures that night, and he’s still completely denying it. I’m trying my hardest to do what’s right and I’ve realized there is nothing left between us and i don’t ever want him back.
I saw on his message logs that he sent the other woman a couple of pictures that night, and he’s still completely denying it. I’m trying my hardest to do what’s right and I’ve realized there is nothing left between us and i don’t ever want him back.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
No...you really don't want him back.
You have YOU.
And a glorious child.
All that can be all hers now. What a lucky gal!
I went through this exactly. I was never a drinker, he was. He went to rehab, came home and promptly divorced me. I started to drink. Bad idea. I finally quit just about 5 months ago and I honestly feel amazing.
I really loved that moron, but I was no longer in love. Now I realize that I dodged a bullet! I'm better off! Takes time, but just go through it and it will get better each day. It is ill advised to drown your sorrows, FYI. Just saying....it took me 5 years to get healthy again. Not worth the loss bug so grateful!!
You'll get there and you will see this is for the best. Forget about him and focus on you and your baby!
Big hug,
Jules
You have YOU.
And a glorious child.
All that can be all hers now. What a lucky gal!
I went through this exactly. I was never a drinker, he was. He went to rehab, came home and promptly divorced me. I started to drink. Bad idea. I finally quit just about 5 months ago and I honestly feel amazing.
I really loved that moron, but I was no longer in love. Now I realize that I dodged a bullet! I'm better off! Takes time, but just go through it and it will get better each day. It is ill advised to drown your sorrows, FYI. Just saying....it took me 5 years to get healthy again. Not worth the loss bug so grateful!!
You'll get there and you will see this is for the best. Forget about him and focus on you and your baby!
Big hug,
Jules
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by Sparks720
Thank you so much. I’m hoping it gets a little easier everyday. I’m going to divorce him. I found out he’s telling people a bunch of outlandish lies about why we’re separating. So clearly he’s not in his right mind. He wants to take our daughter on Sunday for a couple hours, to his parents house. I don’t really have a choice until i file papers so I’m just hoping that he won’t do anything stupid that day.
I saw on his message logs that he sent the other woman a couple of pictures that night, and he’s still completely denying it. I’m trying my hardest to do what’s right and I’ve realized there is nothing left between us and i don’t ever want him back.
I saw on his message logs that he sent the other woman a couple of pictures that night, and he’s still completely denying it. I’m trying my hardest to do what’s right and I’ve realized there is nothing left between us and i don’t ever want him back.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17
I am not sure why you don't have a choice in NOT letting him take your daughter?! Can you tell me why that is... Even if you have not filed for divorce I would imagine he still could not take her, his mental and using state and all would be enough for me to say NO! I personally, would go as far as if he wanted to call the cops, let him... Have the cops search him while they are there. That is what I would do at least. I would never put a child in harm's way, an active addict brain is a scary brain. I say all this because you sound very comfortable with her being with him.
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