Pressmetilihurt

I wrote my therapist today that I wanted to get off this Antabuse. I want a chance at relief and I only get it from drinking. I felt so low today. Like giving up on life. What’s the point of trudging thru this slog of meaninglessness and depression. I hate all the stories and thoughts in my head. I hate myself. I finally understand my friend Chris who drank himself to death. We all pleaded with him but he said he didn’t care. I’m watching the movie Flight right now. I wish I believed in God. I said “God, help me.” like Denzel did in the movie. He admitted he had a problem. I know I have a problem. I wish I could just go away somewhere.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear you are having a bad night pressme. Have you ever considered going to a church if you want to believe in god? Or perhaps tell your therapist? Knowing you have a problem and admitting it is a step in the right direction, but you know that if you drink the relief will only be very fleeting and then things will actually be worse than they are now. Have you ever gone to meetings by chance?

MindfulMan

Antabuse is for moments like what you're experiencing.

Do you really want to get sober?

How was your life better with alcohol? Did drinking offer any benefits that weren't very short term?

What negative consequences did you experience from alcohol? What are the long-term benefits of not drinking?

Belief in God is not a requirement for getting and staying sober. If that's not an option for you, what else in your life gives meaning that isn't found at the bottom of a bottle?

Stronger2017

Sorry to hear you’re struggling, Press.

FLCamper

This will sound very trite, but hang in there. That may be all you can do today. Remember the ultimate end result. These feelings will not last forever and you've gotten through the worst so don't give up.
That you posted here is a good sign, I think.

Hawkeye13

I copied this from the thread you started yesterday:

Hi press;

I notice you are starting new threads instead of responding to posts and ideas on the threads you've already started.
If you would engage more in some interactive discussion, I think we could support you better.

What about what Dee and others just said about making a new recovery plan?

Have you done this yet, are you planning to, and do you see how this would
help you to move forward into recovery instead of twisting in the wind of
painful white-knuckled abstinence?

I really get how hard early recovery is, so what are doing besides not drinking
and taking the meds to make you sick if you do?
I see an AV trying to resist, resist, resist until you give up and drink again.
That will not help anything long term. You'll be back and worse in no time.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but to encourage you to move forward
into taking some actions to feel better.

I'm adding that I'm sorry you are hurting and I truly hope you can stick it out
and get through the tough beginning

PinnacleOR

When I was in the throes of heavy drinking, life seemed meaningless and pointless. Drinking narrowed my point of view where nothing seemed possible or worth it. I am on Day 19 now and my mental point of view is completely changed. There is hope, optimism. I have goals for myself and want to help other people. Remind yourself and remember that alcohol itself will make you feel this way. And when you get sober, your frame of mind will completely shift. Even if you don't believe in a god, believe in yourself. If you sober up your outlook on life will completely change. Give it a try. Have faith is this at least and good luck...

DangerZone

I know how you feel but the worst thing you can do is give up. You have to keep fighting. No matter how many times you fail if you keep fighting eventually you will get sober and ultimately live a better life.

You're are going to have bad days sober. It happens but if you drink it is not going to change anything. You'll numb the pain but when the effects of alcohol go away it'll come right back and you'll go back to drinking again. Long-term it is only going to make things worse.

I'd definitely find someone to talk to to get things off your chest. Whatever it is that is making you feel the way you do it is going to help to talk to someone. Don't hate yourself. Instead focus on making some changes so you can turn into the person you want to be. The past is over and done with but the future can be bright..

Keep fighting... It's a battle worth fighting for.

tomsteve

the day after my last drunk i wanted to die. i absolutely,100% hated me and life.
the only other choice i gave myself was get help,whoch i chose.
the miracle didnt happen over night- there were no unicorns,daisies, sunshine, and rainbows for quite some time. i still wanted to die for quite a while.
but i had hope- i had hope that what the people that were helping me, that I would get better so long as i put in the footwork, were right.
so i trudged. i had some seriously horrible days.
one day after meeting with those people, they were crackin jokes. i was thinking,"that was hilarious, but im not laughing. i want to laugh!"
i kept workin on me. kept trudging, then one day after meeting with them folks, i was able to laugh at a joke- although a small accomplishment, it was progress!
it took T.I.M.E= Things I Must Earn.
and "it" got better the more i worked on me.
"it" being me and my attitudes towards everything.
one thing i realized was i didnt hate life- just my life, which was only an existence when i was drinking.
that changed- i like my life today and love myself. i can actually laugh at myself today,too.
it was well worth the footwork- well worth earning it.
hope ya decide to do some trudgin,press.