Acceptance
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Acceptance
Acceptance was one of the topics at alanon tonight.
Acceptance Is the Key to Serenity
By Buddy T
Updated January 30, 2017
It seems almost too simple to be true, but acceptance -- accepting things exactly as they are -- can be the key that unlocks the door to happiness.
It may be one of the most quoted passages in recovery literature. It's from Page 449 (first 3 editions, pg. 417 in the 4th edition) of Alcoholics Anonymous or The Big Book as it is widely known.
Following is the passage:
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
"Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
Acceptance of a Love One's Alcoholism
For me, a grateful member of Al-Anon, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me.
I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgment, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it, and I have to accept that fact.
Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior." Today, I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear change or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.
I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.
---
After the meeting I came across notes I wrote some time ago...
Unhealthy people create mass chaos, pain, destruction and take prisoners. Leave them to God. Step away from them, from the situations they present, from their words and actions.
Leave them to God.
How to leave the fallout zone:
1. Recognize it.
2. Leave.
Simple as that.
Glad for the meeting tonight. To let go of anger. To connect with others in person who GET this.
Acceptance Is the Key to Serenity
By Buddy T
Updated January 30, 2017
It seems almost too simple to be true, but acceptance -- accepting things exactly as they are -- can be the key that unlocks the door to happiness.
It may be one of the most quoted passages in recovery literature. It's from Page 449 (first 3 editions, pg. 417 in the 4th edition) of Alcoholics Anonymous or The Big Book as it is widely known.
Following is the passage:
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
"Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
Acceptance of a Love One's Alcoholism
For me, a grateful member of Al-Anon, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me.
I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgment, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it, and I have to accept that fact.
Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior." Today, I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear change or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.
I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.
---
After the meeting I came across notes I wrote some time ago...
Unhealthy people create mass chaos, pain, destruction and take prisoners. Leave them to God. Step away from them, from the situations they present, from their words and actions.
Leave them to God.
How to leave the fallout zone:
1. Recognize it.
2. Leave.
Simple as that.
Glad for the meeting tonight. To let go of anger. To connect with others in person who GET this.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,547
" I no longer have to fear change or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey."
This describes my fear about almost everything, like getting the tires swapped out for snow tires on my car. Unfortunately it's a little long to tattoo on my wrist.
This describes my fear about almost everything, like getting the tires swapped out for snow tires on my car. Unfortunately it's a little long to tattoo on my wrist.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Another thread on acceptance, from some time ago. 
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-mean-you.html (What does acceptance mean to you?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-mean-you.html (What does acceptance mean to you?)
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 18
The way they are now?
This may sound a little naive but how do u accept who they've turned into? It took five years before any alkie behavior showed up. They give u filet mignon first then expect you to trade it in for spam?
Untreated alcoholism and all it's insanity is a deal breaker for me and i took that chaos for three years. Mainly because he hid it well. I thought he might have a brain tumor or a mental illness of some kind. I just didn't know he was abusing alcohol.
He was a good man loving respectful caring, supportive, faithful, great lover. We talked about everything. And we had fun together. We have no kids together. I'm grateful for that. Nothing unique here. But he was sooo good.
A job loss began his descent into hell, dragging me with him. That's an excuse, i know. We drank together socially and i saw no red flags til 2014 job loss.
Ohhh the insanity and heart break to follow as i watched the spiral.
We did discuss his moving out in the past and he said he didn't want to. But when it did happen he was drunk angry and quacking after embarrassing us in front of some alkie friends which i gave up too the same night in july. I knew he had to go but the reasons why still hurt. Al anon does help some. But i miss my good husband especially this time of year. Thanks for listening.
Untreated alcoholism and all it's insanity is a deal breaker for me and i took that chaos for three years. Mainly because he hid it well. I thought he might have a brain tumor or a mental illness of some kind. I just didn't know he was abusing alcohol.
He was a good man loving respectful caring, supportive, faithful, great lover. We talked about everything. And we had fun together. We have no kids together. I'm grateful for that. Nothing unique here. But he was sooo good.
A job loss began his descent into hell, dragging me with him. That's an excuse, i know. We drank together socially and i saw no red flags til 2014 job loss.
Ohhh the insanity and heart break to follow as i watched the spiral.
We did discuss his moving out in the past and he said he didn't want to. But when it did happen he was drunk angry and quacking after embarrassing us in front of some alkie friends which i gave up too the same night in july. I knew he had to go but the reasons why still hurt. Al anon does help some. But i miss my good husband especially this time of year. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Accepting the reality of who someone has become and accepting their bad behavior without consequences are two separate things.
I'm sorry you are hurting, Ginalee. Accepting that your husband is no longer the filet mignon you married can be very empowering and freeing, but you have to be willing to let go of the fantasy that he will suddenly turn back into the man you fell in love with. Sending you hugs, strength, and courage to take care of yourself and move towards the life you deserve.
I'm sorry you are hurting, Ginalee. Accepting that your husband is no longer the filet mignon you married can be very empowering and freeing, but you have to be willing to let go of the fantasy that he will suddenly turn back into the man you fell in love with. Sending you hugs, strength, and courage to take care of yourself and move towards the life you deserve.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Recently reminded how critical this is to peace of mind. In April I slipped on the sidewalk and fell, giving myself a hairline pelvic fracture. Had to go to rehab where, during the first few days, I was freaking out. Very angry and upset. I asked myself: "what's my part in this (rage)" and realized I wasn't accepting what happened or where I was. I prayed for the ability to accept and thereafter felt calm, doing the physical therapy I need to do. Same thing when I felt a lot of anger at sponsee who is killing herself with anorexia. Did the research and advised her on what to do. She said no, it's more important that she fit into size 0 jeans. In this case it was about my will. She has the right to kill herself and I let go of it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I learned about the three A’s in al-anon – awareness – acceptance – actions
And they should come in that order otherwise we find ourselves stuck like a ping pong ball back and forth between awareness and action.
And we repeat that cycle over and over again driving ourselves insane.
We discover someone has a drinking problem (awareness) so we jump into (action) trying to fix them or get them to fix themselves. Acceptance does not enter the picture and we find ourselves miserable and confused when they will not do as we wish them to do.
But let’s say we follow the three A’s as suggested.
We discover someone has a drinking problem (awareness) and we accept that:
We do not cause them to drink
We cannot make them stop drinking
We cannot talk them into not drinking
We cannot threaten them into not drinking
We cannot love them into not drinking
They show no signs of wanting to quit and we have endured this for a long time so then comes action- action we take for ourselves with the help of al-anon, therapy, or both, talking with family and friends for support and forming a plan to extract ourselves from the toxic situation.
And they should come in that order otherwise we find ourselves stuck like a ping pong ball back and forth between awareness and action.
And we repeat that cycle over and over again driving ourselves insane.
We discover someone has a drinking problem (awareness) so we jump into (action) trying to fix them or get them to fix themselves. Acceptance does not enter the picture and we find ourselves miserable and confused when they will not do as we wish them to do.
But let’s say we follow the three A’s as suggested.
We discover someone has a drinking problem (awareness) and we accept that:
We do not cause them to drink
We cannot make them stop drinking
We cannot talk them into not drinking
We cannot threaten them into not drinking
We cannot love them into not drinking
They show no signs of wanting to quit and we have endured this for a long time so then comes action- action we take for ourselves with the help of al-anon, therapy, or both, talking with family and friends for support and forming a plan to extract ourselves from the toxic situation.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,547
Originally Posted by Ginalee 
This may sound a little naive but how do u accept who they've turned into? It took five years before any alkie behavior showed up. They give u filet mignon first then expect you to trade it in for spam?
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