Do I even say anything?

Old 11-13-2017, 02:09 PM
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Do I even say anything?

My AXH showed up to my daughters 9th birthday party drunk (and likely having also taken some benzodiazepine). He dropped her off at the end of his parenting time (2:30) and her party was at 3:30. He was supposed to show up with the cake at 3:30. He arrived at 4:15 and was clearly drunk. He seemed even more out of it than usual. Talking too loud, but also unable to focus clearly on anything. He sat in the corner with a glazed look, slurring every now and then. He left 5:00 - 30 minutes before the end of the party...and drove home. There is no question about his lack of sobriety. Another mom noticed and stayed to help me since he clearly couldn't.

Here's my dilemma (or one of many dilemmas). I know that nothing I say can change his behavior and according to the courts, there is nothing big enough to affect his parenting time (and there has been A LOT). Yesterday at the party, I just ignored him and carried on with the running the party. Do I say anything to him today? Is there any point in calling him on his behavior? I feel like nothing I say has any affect and often only complicates our relationship as parents. I'm kicking myself for not thinking to call the police when he left the party to drive. He only lives half a mile from where we were, so that might not have even been enough, but it would have been something.
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Old 11-13-2017, 02:32 PM
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I feel so badly for your DD. My issue would be w/him driving her drunk, does that happen? Yes, you should call the police although they likely would not have made it in time if it's that short a distance.

Does he have to be invited to these events? I found that my children would rather not have their father at events I am hosting, it is uncomfortable and not worth it.

Big hugs.
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Old 11-13-2017, 03:14 PM
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if he dropped her off at 2:30 and then returned an hour and a half later pretty f'd up, then there is a good probability that he HAD been drinking when he had her and when he drove with her in the car. i think IT IS a big deal.

how simply terrible for your girl. yes that's my father over in the corner, mumbling to himself and drooling.

i agree that non-invitations are to be considered. also NOT relying on HIM for anything......not.one.thing. no cake, candles, matches, nothing. your daughter is old enough to have discussions with her on why this is.

it might be time to re-address the parenting plan.
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Old 11-13-2017, 03:59 PM
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Love your name Slowlyevolving. I remember realizing with my Qualifier that if there he didn't see what was so plain to me then there was no point in saying anything.

Maybe just ready yourself to call cops if it looks like he is driving drunk?
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Old 11-13-2017, 04:17 PM
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I would never let a child in the presence of someone intoxicated. Next time call the police to report him for drunk driving with your child.
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Old 11-13-2017, 04:22 PM
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I know.
My sib’s drinking is so out of control it’s not uncommon for him to be drunk early in the day.
He gets really yakky and talks about jobs he had on the docks—now 10 years in the rear view.
He repeats himself,etc. you know, drunkspeak.
I have confronted him about it several times.
I just want him to go back upstairs and leave me and my mom in peace.
Doesn’t work.
He is so freakin contrary.
He just parks himself deeper into the chair and yaks on.
Agree, though, that drinking and driving is a really bad idea, and you should consider that your ex may have been drinking when your daughter was with him.
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Old 11-14-2017, 06:23 AM
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You are all right...the driving is a huge issue. I didn't even think to call the police because he just left while I was in the middle of running a game for the party. But yes, it will be at the forefront of my mind now.

I would love to revisit the parenting plan. Unfortunately my lawyer says we have nothing at this point to change the custody agreement in spite of many occurrences - alcohol withdrawal seizure while with the kids on a trip last March (nothing like trying to figure out what to do with your kids while they are at the ER in Anaheim with their dad and you are across the country), drunk at parent-teacher conference, etc.

At this point my nine-year-old doesn't see it and doesn't get it. She knows her dad is an alcoholic, but doesn't seem to understand when he is drinking (probably because it's always and just how she knows him). My 13 year old son gets it a little better but is still trying to figure it out. It's hard - their dad is a skilled lier and knows how to make a person doubt themselves.

Thanks for listening. There are no easy or good solutions to these problems, but having you all out there to listen and understand helps.
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Old 11-14-2017, 06:25 AM
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Originally Posted by slowlyevolving View Post
I would love to revisit the parenting plan. Unfortunately my lawyer says we have nothing at this point to change the custody agreement in spite of many occurrences - alcohol withdrawal seizure while with the kids on a trip last March (nothing like trying to figure out what to do with your kids while they are at the ER in Anaheim with their dad and you are across the country), drunk at parent-teacher conference, etc.
What the **** does it take to change a parenting agreement?? Good grief, any of those occurrences should be enough.

COD
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Old 11-14-2017, 06:46 AM
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I would love to revisit the parenting plan. Unfortunately my lawyer says we have nothing at this point to change the custody agreement
I would look for a new attorney!
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Old 11-14-2017, 07:11 AM
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Do you live in a smallish town? If so, it may be worth letting the local police know he is chronic drunk driver. I regret that I never did this. If you are in a city situation I'm sure that wouldn't help.

It isn't just your daughter that needs to be kept safe, it's also everyone else on the road he is endangering.

My AXH was and continues to be a drunk driver despite having had a DUI. It is infuriating!


P.S. I think you'd be wasting your breath by telling him you know he was messed up. You know it, he knows it. Why bother? what outcome could possibly come from that confrontation?

*hugs*

Last edited by SmallButMighty; 11-14-2017 at 07:15 AM. Reason: adding P.S.
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Old 11-14-2017, 07:24 AM
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Ugh, I feel for you. My kid also has had to deal with her father showing up drunk to events. Fortunately he tends to be a pretty quiet drunk (but embarrassing in a quiet way, like trying to chat up one of the other moms who's clearly not interested). I can see my kid keeping one eye on her father whenever he's around and only giving half her attention to whatever she's supposed to be doing, which is pretty sad.

I share your frustration with "what does it take ...!?". My experience has been that unless the alcoholic repeatedly put the child in direct physical danger, a full custody change is difficult. I'm dealing with this with an ex who has two drunk driving criminal charges, repeated hospitalizations and police calls, and at least one instance of trying to drive drunk with his kid in the car (fortunately, bystanders prevented his car from moving). My lawyer said that judges see so many instances of kids whose parents starve them, beat them, etc., that having a parent who is "just" an addict doesn't seem like that big a deal, especially if there's a second parent in the picture who can pick up the pieces/act as the safety net/deal with the addicted parent. So the better a job we do as parents, the less likely it is that the other addicted parent will be regarded as a major problem. It sucks.
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Old 11-14-2017, 07:27 AM
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Sasha....you are so right. It sure does suck. It leaves you and your children policing the very person you are trying to get away from. Ugh.

Big hugs to all.
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Old 11-14-2017, 08:10 AM
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This has been my experience too. And it all depends on which of two local judges you get assigned...one is more lenient and the other is strict. I'm sorry you are in the same situation. It's a tough one.
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Old 11-14-2017, 09:13 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Sasha....you are so right. It sure does suck. It leaves you and your children policing the very person you are trying to get away from.
“Policing” is how my therapist phrased it too. While I’m in the house, AW has to keep her drinking limited to a good buzz. And of course she does like to point out that her drinking isn’t as bad as it used to be.

The therapist and my lawyer both think that once My son and I are out of the house, that she will really go off the deep end.
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