funal1

My adult son lives with me now due to his alcoholism. I don't want him to be homeless. Still, I know he is secretly drinking. He attends AA meetings every night and socializes with AA members. He lies to one and all. They want him to speak at meetings and counsel young people as he has a good relationship with young people. Yet, he is still drinking. Should I call him out on it?

Hawkeye13

Do you want to keep living with an alcoholic?

What if he says he isn't stopping? Would you be willing to
throw him out, or will things just stay the way they are?

Be sure if you speak to him, you are clear about what you want
to happen.

Letting him know you are aware he is drinking will do very little
to stop him unless you are prepared to enforce some consequences
if he continues to drink.

My thoughts--your roof, your rules, especially for an adult who should
be working to become independent instead of drinking.

Sasha1972

What would happen if you did call him out on it? Do you think he would change and stop drinking for real? I suspect probably not.

If you feel for your own mental health that you need to acknowledge what he's doing, perhaps you could try saying that "I know that you've been asked to speak to youth groups about sobriety. I also know that you're still drinking. I am really disturbed by what I see as hypocrisy [if that's the way you see it]". That way the focus is on you and your response to what he's doing, not on trying to get him to change and live more honestly (which he probably won't do just in response to your concerns. No need to get into a discussion of whether he is or isn't drinking, or justifying his outreach activities while he's not sober himself.

If this is not acceptable to you, you do have the option to tell him he has to live somewhere else if he wants to drink.

AnvilheadII

it seems the real problem is untreated alcoholism alive and well IN your home. while i understand your desire that he "not be homeless" what has really happened is now gets to drink indoors, play at being Mr AA, and not have to address any issues.

did you have any rule about drinking before you let him move in?
or that he find gainful employment?

funal1

Thanks for the advice. My son left tonight since I would not stay and argue with him He likes to argue and be mean when he drinks. I choose not to listen to it so I left. He was gone when I came back. He is not supposed to be drinking while staying with me. He does have a job, but it is commission based and a brand new place with few customers, so he hasn't made much more than a few dollars here and there. I have been to Al Anon but while I like the reading material, I am not convinced that I need 12 steps. No real answers for mothers. Much better to join Al Anon when spouse is drinking I wish I had when I was married to my husband.