Challenger2013

I finally broke down and filed for divorce, but she hasn’t been served yet. I dread that.
After 14 years sober my wife started drinking again about 4 years ago. I know that I was one of the things that triggered her relapse, and I still feel guilty about it. In February 2015 she was arrested for DUI, Child Endangerment, and Leaving The Scene of an Accident. Her BAC was .297%!
She spent 30 days inpatient at a leading Rehab Facility and three weekends in jail. Since then another round of outpatient rehab, some half hearted attempts in AA, and four sponsors. We’ve been through two marriage counselors, both of whom “picked on her”.

I’m scared for my son’s emotional health in the coming months. She’s trying to make it all about me. She claims I want a new woman, I want her money (she makes way more than me), and that I “owe it to her to stay” because she supported me while I paid crippling child support for my now grown daughters.

We still live in the same house, just in different rooms. It’s been that way for 10 months. I just can’t afford to move out with my son and can’t afford the house on my own. I know my son needs to be with his mom some, but I just can’t trust her. The breathalyzer on her car was removed so the transmission could be fixed. But now it only tests when she starts it, no retests. As long as she doesn’t turn off the car, she can drink and drive. And I found her at it two week ago, that was the straw that broke me.

Mango blast

I used to think my son needs time with his dad. When his dad relapsed this time, I went No Contact. I can't afford to continue letting my son and myself to be traumatized by this disease.

It hurts to be accused of things by someone I have loved ...and that a part of me still loves. Some of these things have no basis, others have a glimmer of something... like me walking away. Yet the alcoholic leaves first, time and time again... Emotionally unavailable and mentally checked out. It feels personal. It's not personal. These are symptoms of the disease that we can't control, didn't cause and can't cure.

My husband has threatened to call the police. I'm okay with that. We can take a custody dispute to court. So far... nothing. His disease is back in charge and blaming others is at the forefront.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm glad you're here... keep posting.

Challenger2013

My therapist, family and my friends all tell me that I’ve done everything I could and given her more chances than she deserves.
Yet I still (sometimes) feel that I should give her another chance. And she certainly tells me that I haven’t done enough!

dandylion

Challenger...if you wait for a using alcoholic to be grateful for your sacrifices and to assume responsibility for their own actions....you will be a very old m an.....

I am sending you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles...I hope you will take the time to read through them.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Sasha1972

Well, of course she does. She wants to maintain a situation in which she can drink at will with very few consequences. She's going to be angry at you because your decision to put yourself and your son first is threatening her ability to "have it all". I expect she would be fine with maintaining the status quo indefinitely, and she's angry with you because you are not fine with it.

It's really tough to be accused of things you didn't do or don't even want to do (my ex once told me he thought my problem was that I "wanted to be a lesbian like all your friends", which comes out of complete left field). However it's the reaction of someone who sees their equilibrium under threat.

Challenger2013

I’ve done lots and lots of reading about the manipulation techniques that addicts use to get what they want, both intentionally and unintentionally. I’ve learned to recognize and deflect them without letting her push my buttons to get me angry. What she sees as unemotional is really just awareness.

CentralOhioDad

Good Morning, Challenger! Sorry for what brought you here, but glad you found this place. It sounds like you are a smart, aware guy.

Of course she will blame you - heaven forbid that SHE would take accountability for ANYTHING! No, they don't do that.

Marriage counseling with an addict is fruitless - I tried that with my AW several years ago, and she also felt she was "picked on", and wanted to tell the counselor how sh*tty of a person I was/am. Finally he told us that until she can take some responsibility for herself and her actions, we weren't getting anywhere, so I stopped.

I just made a post last month where I said I was done. Good for you. Keep reading here, there is a ton of excellent advice and suppost.

COD

atalose

Not sure how old your son is but I’m sure he is well aware of mom’s drinking and the havoc it causes in the home. Most mom’s don’t have a breathalyzer in their cars and most mom’s and dad’s don’t have separate bedrooms.

I hope you are taking him to a therapist so that he has the opportunity to voice his emotions and fears without feeling like he has to take sides.

hopeful4

Push for sober link and every single protection you can to protect your son.

Big hugs.

Hangnbyathread

If you are worried about how your son will deal with the divorce emotionally, think about he will deal with you trying to keep life seemingly good while his mom is a raging alcoholic as it will end up there.

Pick the best of the 2 emotional tracks and do whats best for the son.

Having a mom who is a drunk and a dad who took steps to make his life better, I think will win out over being in a house with a drunk parent and no other place to go.

Challenger2013

I had not heard of Soberlink! Wow, that’s a game changer.

hopeful4

Yes, it is. And...make sure there are consequences built in to your plan. For example, if you fail soberlink you do not have any rights to see kid until you do X (whatever you deem to be appropriate).

I did not push for Soberlink but wish I had. I also wish I had put ways to monitor my XAH so it did not leave my daughter feeling like the alcohol police.

I would encourage you to read all you can, push for all the protections you can, and anticipate things and situations that may come up in the future years and address those now before it's all final.

Hugs to you!

honeypig

Challenger, what the heck is THIS? I am surprised no one else has asked about it yet...how do you figure you were powerful enough to make her drink again after 14 years sober? And if you're powerful enough to make her START drinking, how come you aren't powerful enough to make her STOP?

Her drinking is on HER, regardless of what you or anyone else did. There are many responses possible to any given situation or problem, and she could have chosen a different method of coping w/whatever happened besides to pick up a drink....

Hawkeye13

You didn't make her drink. She chose to.
I agree with others--sober link and consequences

NYCDoglvr

You did not cause her to drink, it was a decision on her part. The only way you could cause a relapse is if you point a gun to her head. Please, let this go. It's typical alcoholic behavior to blame others, but you're not at fault.

Challenger2013

I now understand the difference between triggering a relapse (and there were other circumstances as well) and actually “making her drink”.
And there are many other reasons why I’ve stayed this long besides any guilt I felt.

Now it’s just a matter of time before the deputy comes knocking on the door. My biggest worry now is keeping my son from hearing her when she reads the temp parenting plan of her supervised visitation every other weekend.

firebolt

Deep breaths - no matter what happens when she gets the news, you got this.

I hope you have some peace and comfort with your decision, we do not come to this point lightly, and without all of our other efforts failing. You and your son deserve the best life and you're making it happen! (((HUGS))) to you.

Challenger2013

I have been strangely calm and joking around with folks at work. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m hoping it’s not a very long tunnel.

CentralOhioDad

You know, I've been kinda that same way in my life too - I'm a couple of months behind you (plan to file after 1/1/18), but I too feel a bit calmer and a sense of moving forward. (Could be some new meds I'm on too!!).

I will be following your exploits carefully!!! Keep us updated. Best of luck to you.

COD

Challenger2013

This morning she mentioned that we have an appointment with one of the former marriage counselors. She wants to civilly discuss things for our son’s sake. We’ll see how civil she can stay.