wildflower70

I am struggling with the fact that my family is a huge trigger to drink, and staying away from them hurts me emotionally.
My most recent path to hell on earth (drinking relapse for weeks) was after I felt forced to attend a family gathering with excessive drinking. I told my mom that I didn't want to go, that I shouldn't go, as I didn't feel that I was strong enough. I was told that If I cared about her, I would attend....I was able to stay sober at the party, but stopped on the way home for booze, and kept going for weeks.
When is it OK to step away and distance yourself from the ones you love, if you know that being around them has become toxic? If I even talk to my mom on the phone, I want to get plastered......advice? Anyone else experience this from family?

2 Days sober....

Cascabel

When you are in early sobriety your first priority is to protect that sobriety. If that means staying away from temptations such as family gatherings then that is what you need to do. You could send your close family a message explaining your temporary absence. If you get the "if you really loved me" song just realize that it is manipulation and also a bit selfish.

tnek97

When is it OK to step away?

Now. Right now. You will never receive an "ok" from your family, or friends, or whomever it is that you feel pressured to join. Therefore, you must decide for yourself, and you should do it now. They will eventually understand, especially when you begin to show your true self, unchained from alcohol.

Carpathia

Since you know they trigger a desire to drink, you can prepare. If it's a phone call draining your energy, politely end the call. It's okay to take care of yourself.

Go early to family events and be ready to leave early. Excuse yourself during the event for fresh air and a chance to clear your mind. Call another alcoholic. Take control. If being in their presence is more than you can bear at any time, leave. You owe yourself opportunities to make sober choices for you, even when nobody else but you understands or approves of them.

BixBees505

‘’...If I even talk to my mom on the phone, I want to get plastered......’’

Oh wildflower, I do relate. This says volumes about the toxic place your relationship with family has reached. I have been there. I lived in this condition too long. And I am here to assure you that if you do step away and heal yourself in sobriety, and re-establish long-neglected boundaries, your relationships can all be on your terms and healthier.

Note that I say the relationships can be healthy...the people on the other end may still be sick snd selfish...but if you preserve sobriety at all costs, you will regain the health to deal with them healthily.

BixBees505

Good, practical advice from Carpathia above, and others. Prevent that claustrophic feeling with a plan, and execute it before discomfort sets in.

nmd

This has come up for me in a few different ways. I think it is really important to be kind to yourself first, polite second.

You won't be there for you family anyways if you continue drinking, not in the long term. Get yourself into a good place before even considering being around other people drinking.

wildflower70

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful replies, and I know from past experiences that creating some distance is crucial to me now. Luckily I don't live around them, but this will mean no flying home for the holidays.
It's interesting that even my son and daughter in-law know I have a problem, and she (daughter in-law) continues to pour herself a glass of wine every night that I am there. My son actually poured a bottle down the drain in front of me, out of disgust of his wife's behavior. I think I will tell everyone that I will be working overtime this holiday season, and won't be traveling home. (this would be good anyway after taking 2 weeks off this fall because of poor decisions).

Thanks guys, and happy sober Sunday!!!!

Bob4x4

My family of origin is also a huge trigger to drink, but not because they drink at gatherings, it's because of the insanity of the parental Julius Ceaser complex. The issue is boundaries. Maybe right now they have the power to guilt you into family gatherings? have you ever heard of ACA? or gone to an ACA meeting? it's a 12 step group for children of alcoholic or abusive/narcissitic parents. I found it helpful to understand what was going on, and to hear stories from others.

There is a notion of love for the family of origin but to disengage for respect for yourself, your own well being. see the dysfunction and not try to change it or them but to step away. Sounds easy but i know it's not.

You have physical distance from them, you are financially independant, and you have your own family. You have to get on an aircraft to experience the insanity? you already have a way out.

Maybe give yourself a pass to take a year or two off from the get togethers, see how you feel 2 years down the road and THEN decide to do it again or not. a Delayed Decision tactic.

as you said, a polite and respecful 'no' with a reasonable explanation that doesn't hurt their feelings or cause some kind of angry confrontation is the reasonable thing to do for your own well being.

ByeByeWineByBy

[QUOTE=wildflower70;6669890]I am struggling with the fact that my family is a huge trigger to drink, and staying away from them hurts me emotionally.My most recent path to hell on earth (drinking relapse for weeks) was after I felt forced to attend a family gathering with excessive drinking. I told my mom that I didn't want to go, that I shouldn't go, as I didn't feel that I was strong enough. I was told that If I cared about her, I would attend....I was able to stay sober at the party, but stopped on the way home for booze, and kept going for weeks.

I feel like your words were taken exactly from the screenplay that is my life. I hope you are well and survived mother day.

August252015

Thank you for sharing.

One of the things I have had to think the hardest about, seek advice from my sponsor, pray about etc (I am in AA) is how to deal with all kinds of FOO situations. Saying no to things like spending (my second sober!) Christmas with them was a big one, for example. My sobriety and self-care - "even" now at 27 mo and change- simply has to come first. It sounds "wrong" for us to set boundaries with our family- but for me (and plenty of others I have heard) doing just that is the exact "right" thing.

Best to you for continued sobriety.

FreeOwl

What I eventually learned through the steps, therapy, recovery and sober time was that I was the trigger.

My family, the weather, other people, life around me.... all of those were simply what they were and always would be.

The trigger, in truth, was me.

Nowsthetime

How about:

“If you love me you will understand and support why I can’t come.” Just kidding, don’t say that! I hate that emotional blackmail... if you love me then...

It’s ok to say no if you are not ready. It’s not selfish to advocate for yourself!