I sometimes feel crazy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 3
I sometimes feel crazy.
Hello all.
Please bear in mind that alcoholism is fairly "new" to me. I didn't grow up with it; I didn't drink much in HS or in college. I will probably sound naive. I feel naive. I'm still learning so much.
A little background: I met my (now ex) SO 5 years ago. We hit it off and developed a great relationship right away. I still marvel at how awesome I thought he was. I remember thinking, "this is it! This is the guy. He is SO different from my ex-husband and he's so much more like me." -- it blows my mind to compare what was then to what is now. For two reasons: 1. It scares me to think I can be THAT blind and/or easily misled. 2. What happened? Where did it go? We now have two children together and they are very young. He took my first pregnancy very hard, for whatever reason...fear, I guess. It caused him to spiral farther into alcoholism; that I was only starting to suspect (case in point, naivete). Fast forward through all the promises and the LIES and the fights and a second child...Here we are not together anymore.
I am continuing to pick up the pieces and I am doing a-OK in a lot of areas of my life. My kids are doing great, all things considered! I guess what I'm here for is this: The ONE thing that I struggled with, and will continue to struggle with, is how CRAZY he makes me feel! Obviously it was worse when we were together because I was exposed to more BS. But even now...I can't trust anything he says, or does, because of how hidden he kept/keeps his habit. Has anyone else ever developed paranoia about an alcoholic SO cheating because they would find reasons to be alone or disappear for hours and the reasons or explanation they gave didn't line up? He would swear that he would never cheat. Is it because he hides the drinking?? Do alcoholics make you feel this way? It has applied to so many things he's said. My gut would tell me he was lying about so many things (not just alcoholism AND I caught him in several lies) and so I was living with so much paranoia about everything that it made my chest hurt (i.e. Anxiety!). I was literally feeling crazy and that I couldn't distinguish between what was real and what was a lie. Gaslighting I think is the term for it...
A super loooooong story, just to ask, is that specific to him and a severe personality flaw? Or is it common to ALL addicts? Or am I just a paranoid individual?
Please bear in mind that alcoholism is fairly "new" to me. I didn't grow up with it; I didn't drink much in HS or in college. I will probably sound naive. I feel naive. I'm still learning so much.
A little background: I met my (now ex) SO 5 years ago. We hit it off and developed a great relationship right away. I still marvel at how awesome I thought he was. I remember thinking, "this is it! This is the guy. He is SO different from my ex-husband and he's so much more like me." -- it blows my mind to compare what was then to what is now. For two reasons: 1. It scares me to think I can be THAT blind and/or easily misled. 2. What happened? Where did it go? We now have two children together and they are very young. He took my first pregnancy very hard, for whatever reason...fear, I guess. It caused him to spiral farther into alcoholism; that I was only starting to suspect (case in point, naivete). Fast forward through all the promises and the LIES and the fights and a second child...Here we are not together anymore.
I am continuing to pick up the pieces and I am doing a-OK in a lot of areas of my life. My kids are doing great, all things considered! I guess what I'm here for is this: The ONE thing that I struggled with, and will continue to struggle with, is how CRAZY he makes me feel! Obviously it was worse when we were together because I was exposed to more BS. But even now...I can't trust anything he says, or does, because of how hidden he kept/keeps his habit. Has anyone else ever developed paranoia about an alcoholic SO cheating because they would find reasons to be alone or disappear for hours and the reasons or explanation they gave didn't line up? He would swear that he would never cheat. Is it because he hides the drinking?? Do alcoholics make you feel this way? It has applied to so many things he's said. My gut would tell me he was lying about so many things (not just alcoholism AND I caught him in several lies) and so I was living with so much paranoia about everything that it made my chest hurt (i.e. Anxiety!). I was literally feeling crazy and that I couldn't distinguish between what was real and what was a lie. Gaslighting I think is the term for it...
A super loooooong story, just to ask, is that specific to him and a severe personality flaw? Or is it common to ALL addicts? Or am I just a paranoid individual?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kittybeans....I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....I hope you will take the time to read through them. This would be like a virtual bootcamp on alcoholism....lol...
It should answer a lot of your questions.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
It should answer a lot of your questions.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
You're asking great questions and I'm glad you've found this place.
I'm sorry for what you've been going through. It's NOT okay to be mistreated. It is okay to take whatever time and whatever path we need in order to heal. The answers WILL come as you search for them.
One day at a time. ((((Hugs))))
This family disease of alcoholism is completely counter-intuitive... and recovery is, too.
I'm sorry for what you've been going through. It's NOT okay to be mistreated. It is okay to take whatever time and whatever path we need in order to heal. The answers WILL come as you search for them.
One day at a time. ((((Hugs))))
This family disease of alcoholism is completely counter-intuitive... and recovery is, too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi KB
There came a time in my relationship with my addict, where due to her lying about everything & anything, I could no longer distinguish truth from lies. Even when she told me small things like she was going to the store or gym. I honestly didn't know if it was the truth.
The result of that left me very confused constantly. I definitely felt crazy over it. Even today after being away from her for about 5 months I am still working through those feelings. So many important things I thought were true may have been lies.
She is a long term addict. As I think back early on in the relationship there were signs from her that she knew no one believed what she said.
Please take care of yourself.
There came a time in my relationship with my addict, where due to her lying about everything & anything, I could no longer distinguish truth from lies. Even when she told me small things like she was going to the store or gym. I honestly didn't know if it was the truth.
The result of that left me very confused constantly. I definitely felt crazy over it. Even today after being away from her for about 5 months I am still working through those feelings. So many important things I thought were true may have been lies.
She is a long term addict. As I think back early on in the relationship there were signs from her that she knew no one believed what she said.
Please take care of yourself.
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