Update

Old 11-11-2017, 08:41 AM
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Update

I posted a while back about being confused with the sudden change in how my ABF and I were communicating. He told me that he needed time to sort things out and focus on himself. The plan at the time was for us to talk in 3 weeks. It's been 6 weeks. My feelings are all over the place. At times, I feel relief and know that it's probably for the best that it's over. At times, I feel angry because he told me he would not disappear again without talking to me about it. That happened about a month into our relationship. He disappeared without a trace and then showed up about two weeks later. He knows how much that hurt me.

I guess I feel like I should get some sort of closure. If it's over, just be an adult and say so. I'm in the process of boxing up all of his belongings, but it is all I can do to not reach out to him to get some answers. I've read over and over again that no contact is the best way to go, but I'm wavering.
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Old 11-11-2017, 09:21 AM
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I'm sorry. It's very selfish of him to leave you "hanging." Not having the kind of closure we want or need sucks. Perhaps him disappearing again should be seen as a closure of sorts?
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Old 11-11-2017, 09:43 AM
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This is pretty classic. He won’t close the door completely because what if he needs another soft place to land? If you’re hanging on waiting for him and missing him, you might be an easy touch by then.

Closure comes from within. Block him.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 11-11-2017, 09:57 AM
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He knows how much that hurt me.

as do you. you have the power to no longer allow him to "hurt" you. why are you waiting for HIM to say it's over and therefore call the shots in YOUR life? take your power back.
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Old 11-11-2017, 10:01 AM
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fbb....you are expecting him to behave like an normal healthy person would. I think the main thing you have to do is to accept that he is not that.
He is not the one for you.
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Old 11-11-2017, 03:09 PM
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I think it’s rule number one in the Addiction Playbook: never close the door on someone who cares for you.
You might need them someday.
For money, for sex, for a place to live.
Not saying this to be snarky, fbb, as I admire your resolve: how about making your own closure?
Say it in your head and out loud if you want to.
“It’s over. He’s gone. I can do much, much better.”
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Old 11-11-2017, 03:14 PM
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Perhaps what you want are definite answers and most of all closure so you can indeed move on and get on with your life. If it's really over you need to know, in other words.

Well, even if say he gave you closure from his end of it and told you it was over, I'm thinking you would still have to come to your own closure about it. IMO closure doesn't just "happen" in most cases, but it's a process and it's usually not linear.
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Old 11-11-2017, 03:22 PM
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Thanks guys, I really appreciate the support. I just wish my heart would catch up to my mind. I need to keep reminding myself that I AM indeed doing much better than I was in June, when he left for rehab.
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Old 11-11-2017, 03:37 PM
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fiestybird.....it has only been six weeks since he made the last false promise.....
this probably feels like a lifetime to you, because you are the one sitting and waiting for him......
Like all other humans, you will have to mourn and grieve the loss of the dream... and, I would expect it to take several weeks to several months to really begin to get you sea legs back again......You ae likely to have a mixture of emotions...painful emotions....depending on what day it is. Of course, this will lessen and lessen as time goes on.....but, it won't be on a straight line.

to insure that this never happens again, this is the time to begin to work on your own self...to develop more self esteem and self insight....
We can help you to do that, if you are willing to let us......
You can come out of this much stronger than you ever were before....
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Old 11-14-2017, 04:24 PM
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Dandy, I will graciously accept any and all help I can get. I know I can't do this by myself.

Had a big boohoo at the therapist today. It's "just" grief and I know it's normal and to be expected. I have been waiting for the tears and wondering when they would arrive. I went to our storage unit on Saturday. My daughter was taking all of my old furniture. All of these things were in my apartment where some very ugly things happened. Some very lovely things happened there as well. It's a rollercoaster at this point.
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Old 11-14-2017, 04:35 PM
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fbb....I am glad that you got a good cry at the therapist, today......
I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles, again....It would help if you read some of them every day...there are dozens and dozens of them....
They were written with the tears of those that came before you...and, you will realize that you certainly are not alone. You can get a l ot of inspiration from them.
Another thing that you can do is to click on the name of any poster (beside their picture).....choose "past threads" from the drop down list. That way, you can read the posts of any person from the very first one!! You can see their progress, that way.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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