Tiredofthepain

Just joined today. I have been shy and had anxiety all my life. I had a narcissistic overbearing mother and tried to please her all my life and married to a cheating husband. I started drinking to feel more social, then drank to feel numb when I found out my husband had hidden a child from me throughout most of our marriage. Then after I finally was able to divorce him, I drank to deal with being a single mother and my fear of failing and losing my home and everything, then I drank whenever I had to deal with something difficult. I had always done well at work and now having trouble because I feel anxiety about the stressors of work and the toxic environment at work. I know I need to just deal with the stress of work and being a single mom but it feels overwhelming. I have no social life and no friends, just work and then taking care of my home and an autistic son. Feels undoable. Need an outlet somewhere other than the bottom of a bottle.

nova84

Welcome to SR Tiredofthepain 💜

2muchpain

Welcome!! You'll find a lot of support here. John

DarklingSong

Welcome. I drank to escape emotional pain and avoid what seemed like unsolvable life problems. Drinking did work for me once, but slowly, over many years, it made everything much, much worse.

SR is a wonderful community to seek support and find a way to live your life without alcohol.

Your post really resonated with me......please believe it is possible to get sober, even when life has given you much pain and suffering. You are not alone.

Support to you.

decchemist

You've had some rough experiences there TOTP. Welcome to SR. We are here to help you.

Hevyn

I'm so glad you joined us, Tired. I hope it will help to talk things over with people who understand & care.

For years I thought I was doing myself a favor by drinking to cope with problems. In reality, getting numb just prevents us from dealing with things. Nothing changes or gets any better when we escape into our drinking world. It took me many years to finally realize this. I'm sorry for all you've been through - but very glad you've decided to make this big change in your life.

resolute50

Hello and welcome.
Glad you are here.

Dee74

Hi and welcoem Tiredofthepain

You know they say the journey of a thousand miles starts with a song;le step? I think recovery is a lot like that.

We make a different choice one day not to drink away our stress, boredom, fear, anger whatever...

we make a Day One..and we find that the reality is not as bad as we imagined it to be and that those feelings do pass on their own.

Each day we stay sober we find out a little more about how strong and capable we really are - with the everpresent support of communities like this

I have faith you'll find this out about yourself too Tiredofthepain

D

least

Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

Tiredofthepain

So now 1 day sober. Went to an AA meeting. The only thing I thought about was whether I would get home after the meeting without a bottle of vodka. I ended up going to Jack in the Box and bypassed the liquor store. When I got home both my boys were in their rooms as usual and I was alone all day. Although one actually did some cleaning in his room. I made a deal with him if I went to an AA meeting, he needed to do some work on keeping his room clean. One small step. The other one is not talking to me right now. Hopefully after a time he will see I am serious and he will start working on his depression, isolation and self esteem issues. Is this still doable? Not sure.

Dee74

It's more than doable for you.

Hopefully seeing you work on your own issues will inspire your son to do the same?

D

Tiredofthepain

I feel guilty that I am the cause of his issues because of my drinking. So I feel he is not working on his issues because I have not been serious about stopping my drinking.

Dee74

I realise that

Guilt is a bit of a wasted emotion because we can;t undo the past - but we can do a heck of a lot with our todays.

Not sure how old your boys are, but I think the priority right now needs to be you and your recovery.

I think you'll be better able to support and maybe even inspire him once you're established in your own recovery journey

D

BixBees505

^^^^^ wisdom

You are in our thoughts, Tired. Give sobriety a good try. You will be so glad you did.

Tiredofthepain

Ok, so I suppose this is a good thing? All of a sudden I can't stop crying. I don't remember the last time I cried. I suppose because the alcohol numbed me so much it was impossible to have that emotion. It is an incredible sadness but not a depression. Just feeling like happiness will never be in my life again. If I can stay sober and keep my job and house I will be successful. But it makes me so sad. I don't get on Facebook anymore because I can't stand to see other people happy, going places, doing things. I don't think I will ever have enough money to do anything, just keeping my head above water is a daily struggle financially. So I am finally crying.

BixBees505

I certainly experienced the opening of floodgates of sadness and tears. Not just once, but at a few junctures, as realities and losses finally dawned for what they are.

But stick around, for the quiet joy that will come, in spite of all.

Tiredofthepain

Crying jaunt is over and feel relieved, less anxious. It was a good thing.

PeacefulWater12

Welcome. Glad you are feeling some relief and less anxious.

Tiredofthepain

Feeling like I am running on fumes right now. Been a rollercoaster ride today. Anger, sadness, anxiety, another "confrontation" with my son. Now I have to go back to my hell job tomorrow with a boss that likes to make people feel stupid and coworkers kiss butt and back stab to get ahead. Got dangerously close to making a run to the liquor store - but didn't so no numbing of my feelings tonight. Would go to bed but I never sleep more than an hour at a time because of my hand and arm. Going to be a long night! What a ****** life!

least

The one thing that was suggested to me early on was starting to practice gratitude every day. At first it was hard cause I was still so depressed and felt like I'd never be happy.

But I made a list, even if only one thing, every day to remind me of the good things in my life. It changed my attitude for the better and has enriched my life and strengthened my sobriety. Give gratitude a try.


We even have a forum just for gratitude.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/gratitude-list/