Knowthetriggers checking in :)
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Knowthetriggers checking in :)
Hi everyone! I have missed you all very much. My last log in looks like it was in August. So much has happened I don't even know where to start.
I guess I can start with the family. My RAH has recently celebrated 9 months of sobriety. It's hard to believe that November 1st made a year that he had lost his job and we began living a real nightmare. This year we are past that but struggling with his cancer. We did find out that the cancer was isolated in the esophagus. The original procedure was supposed to be a scrape of the esophagus to remove the tumor. They actually didn't have to scrape instead they froze the tumor because it was actually smaller than first expected, great news there. Yesterday was his follow up where they performed another freeze and a biopsy. Not quite the news we were wanting; however the tumor had not grown so that was a good thing! We go back in 5 weeks for round three.
The girls, wow, the girls! They are flourishing this school year. My oldest is taking a college course in high school for computer networking. She has dove in headfirst and loves it. In fact she is making a B+ in both of these networking / cyber security classes. She has all A's and B's this nine weeks with the exception of her math class; however, it is a high C. She volunteers for everything her college class has to offer and here recently she has approached two strangers and introduced herself and asked the companies about internships. She has received a positive response from both companies. We are so proud of her.
My youngest is doing quite well for her first year in middle school. She has all A's and one B+. She is also a cheer leader for our County and absolutely LOVES it! The coach approached us early in the season and requested her to be on both the Junior and Senior team.
So she had to learn two dance routines and had to perform for both in all competitions as well as cheer for both teams at all games. She has blossomed into quite the athlete.
So me, well I run around like crazy between all the activities with the girls. My RAH helps when he can but he has a crazy work schedule. I am tired but mostly a "good" tired, a "happy" tired, if that makes any sense.
I have come to realize that I am struggling with my RAH's new found self. I had seen it before but it has been hidden so much I am not sure how to act at times. For instance, when we first started dating and were first married we did everything together and there was never any hesitation on his part. He always wanted to be part of whatever we were doing. Well as the alcoholism progresses the more distant he became (as we all know to well). It became the new "normal" and was that way for a very long time. Now with his sobriety he is more alert, having conversations with the kids, spending time with us as a family (not as in individual). The selfishness is slowly disappearing; his laugh is not fake it is real! It makes me so happy to see him interact with us but I am still fearful.
Unfortunately the fear drives me at times. For instance, I am the one triggered by the anniversary dates. I start to feel anxious and nervous. Just recently I lost it with my girls because they had become very "relaxed" at home and with me doing all this running around I would appreciate some help from them around the house. I mean they are 16 and 11, they can be responsible to wash a dish and vacuum ya know. Well my teenager ran and "told" on me to my RAH (seriously!) Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that she is finally comfortable enough to go to him but a part of me was like "really, you are running to tell your dad - ON ME!" If I really think about it I was jealous of the fact that she even went to him for something and offended at the fact that it was me!
I worked thru it but it just reminds me that I am still a work in progress and always will be. Meetings for me have been few and far between with all the girls and their "stuff" but I keep myself grounded with my daily readings, prayer and meditation.
Well......I think that about sums it all up. I could probably type forever - LOL.
Hope you are all well and I want you to know that I think of all of you often.
Take care and all the best until next time....
~Triggers
I guess I can start with the family. My RAH has recently celebrated 9 months of sobriety. It's hard to believe that November 1st made a year that he had lost his job and we began living a real nightmare. This year we are past that but struggling with his cancer. We did find out that the cancer was isolated in the esophagus. The original procedure was supposed to be a scrape of the esophagus to remove the tumor. They actually didn't have to scrape instead they froze the tumor because it was actually smaller than first expected, great news there. Yesterday was his follow up where they performed another freeze and a biopsy. Not quite the news we were wanting; however the tumor had not grown so that was a good thing! We go back in 5 weeks for round three.
The girls, wow, the girls! They are flourishing this school year. My oldest is taking a college course in high school for computer networking. She has dove in headfirst and loves it. In fact she is making a B+ in both of these networking / cyber security classes. She has all A's and B's this nine weeks with the exception of her math class; however, it is a high C. She volunteers for everything her college class has to offer and here recently she has approached two strangers and introduced herself and asked the companies about internships. She has received a positive response from both companies. We are so proud of her.
My youngest is doing quite well for her first year in middle school. She has all A's and one B+. She is also a cheer leader for our County and absolutely LOVES it! The coach approached us early in the season and requested her to be on both the Junior and Senior team.
So she had to learn two dance routines and had to perform for both in all competitions as well as cheer for both teams at all games. She has blossomed into quite the athlete.
So me, well I run around like crazy between all the activities with the girls. My RAH helps when he can but he has a crazy work schedule. I am tired but mostly a "good" tired, a "happy" tired, if that makes any sense.
I have come to realize that I am struggling with my RAH's new found self. I had seen it before but it has been hidden so much I am not sure how to act at times. For instance, when we first started dating and were first married we did everything together and there was never any hesitation on his part. He always wanted to be part of whatever we were doing. Well as the alcoholism progresses the more distant he became (as we all know to well). It became the new "normal" and was that way for a very long time. Now with his sobriety he is more alert, having conversations with the kids, spending time with us as a family (not as in individual). The selfishness is slowly disappearing; his laugh is not fake it is real! It makes me so happy to see him interact with us but I am still fearful.
Unfortunately the fear drives me at times. For instance, I am the one triggered by the anniversary dates. I start to feel anxious and nervous. Just recently I lost it with my girls because they had become very "relaxed" at home and with me doing all this running around I would appreciate some help from them around the house. I mean they are 16 and 11, they can be responsible to wash a dish and vacuum ya know. Well my teenager ran and "told" on me to my RAH (seriously!) Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that she is finally comfortable enough to go to him but a part of me was like "really, you are running to tell your dad - ON ME!" If I really think about it I was jealous of the fact that she even went to him for something and offended at the fact that it was me!
I worked thru it but it just reminds me that I am still a work in progress and always will be. Meetings for me have been few and far between with all the girls and their "stuff" but I keep myself grounded with my daily readings, prayer and meditation.
Well......I think that about sums it all up. I could probably type forever - LOL.
Hope you are all well and I want you to know that I think of all of you often.
Take care and all the best until next time....
~Triggers
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Knowthetriggers...I hope you will not mind a "Helpful Hint" from me...lol....
After my divorce from my first husband, I had several years before marrying again...and I had 3 small children and a full time demanding job, and went nt to a postgraduate program, at one point.
One consequence of that was that, by necessity, the whole family had to pull together for our survival. Thus, the children HAD to take o n as much responsibility that they could handle...for their age, of course. Household responsibility was a fact of life. It was the norm.
Even the youngest child can be helpful...and, they enjoy feeling helpful....
Now, my guess is that you are the type of person who had run around all, the time, doing for your husband and the kids...things, that in reality , that they could do for themselves....and taking great pride in being the ultimate housekeeper and mother.....if you are like lots of us....
You can't totally blame any of them, if that is what they came to expect....taking you for granted that you do the majority of household work and responsibility...
LOL....I think that they have to be "programed" in a way, to take on a different role in the family.
Some examples....I had everyone's regular chores posted on the fridge (mine, too)....and allowance day was on Friday....No allowance unless weekly chores were done (without complaining or nagging from me). Now, if all were done, ahead of time...could ask for allowance on Thursday night.....
Everyone did their own laundry, as soon as they could operate a washing machine.
Certain "group activities".....everyone helped get th e dinner table ready....set the table, carry the food, help clear the table, etc.
Everyone helps carry the groceries into the house (we ha three flights of stairs in the building!)....And, children got the fun of helping with the grocery shopping....they loved that...and they got to pick one favorite treat, at checkout....
I think it is good that you are finally calling on them for help. But, you may have to talk to them about it and explain how and WHY things have to change......
good luck!!!......lol.....
After my divorce from my first husband, I had several years before marrying again...and I had 3 small children and a full time demanding job, and went nt to a postgraduate program, at one point.
One consequence of that was that, by necessity, the whole family had to pull together for our survival. Thus, the children HAD to take o n as much responsibility that they could handle...for their age, of course. Household responsibility was a fact of life. It was the norm.
Even the youngest child can be helpful...and, they enjoy feeling helpful....
Now, my guess is that you are the type of person who had run around all, the time, doing for your husband and the kids...things, that in reality , that they could do for themselves....and taking great pride in being the ultimate housekeeper and mother.....if you are like lots of us....
You can't totally blame any of them, if that is what they came to expect....taking you for granted that you do the majority of household work and responsibility...
LOL....I think that they have to be "programed" in a way, to take on a different role in the family.
Some examples....I had everyone's regular chores posted on the fridge (mine, too)....and allowance day was on Friday....No allowance unless weekly chores were done (without complaining or nagging from me). Now, if all were done, ahead of time...could ask for allowance on Thursday night.....
Everyone did their own laundry, as soon as they could operate a washing machine.
Certain "group activities".....everyone helped get th e dinner table ready....set the table, carry the food, help clear the table, etc.
Everyone helps carry the groceries into the house (we ha three flights of stairs in the building!)....And, children got the fun of helping with the grocery shopping....they loved that...and they got to pick one favorite treat, at checkout....
I think it is good that you are finally calling on them for help. But, you may have to talk to them about it and explain how and WHY things have to change......
good luck!!!......lol.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Oh Dandylion - they have been asked for years; however, my husband who was drinking at the time always "gave in" and never "wanted to hear it" from the girls (insert eye roll). They know EXACTLY what they need to do, list and all. They are just being down right lazy.
Now, I will admit that at one time I wanted to do it on my own to get them out of my feet so it could be "perfect" and "mommy clean". Now, pffffft, they need to pitch in because this chick is TIRED. LOL
Now, I will admit that at one time I wanted to do it on my own to get them out of my feet so it could be "perfect" and "mommy clean". Now, pffffft, they need to pitch in because this chick is TIRED. LOL
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Knowthetriggers.....then, I think that the MAJOR talking that you will need to do is with the father. It is shocking how young a child can learn the art of "splitting" the parents....and, they will carry it into adulthood, unless the parents get on the same page.
First rule of raising young'uns....Parents must present a united front. (also, called "boundaries").....
First rule of raising young'uns....Parents must present a united front. (also, called "boundaries").....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Knowthetriggers.....then, I think that the MAJOR talking that you will need to do is with the father. It is shocking how young a child can learn the art of "splitting" the parents....and, they will carry it into adulthood, unless the parents get on the same page.
First rule of raising young'uns....Parents must present a united front. (also, called "boundaries").....
First rule of raising young'uns....Parents must present a united front. (also, called "boundaries").....
It's all good and I know it will all work itself out
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